The Waiting Years

[silhouette]

Hi all! I'm glad i came across this site. I have been in a relationship with a "married significant other" for almost 10 years. How time flies!! I didn't know why i stayed so long. All these years of waiting and hoping is taking its toll on me. I tried to stay positive about it many times because i have no one else to blame but myself. I knew what i was getting myself into when i agreed to be with him. His marriage was already on the rocks before i went with him. His kids were then very young and he decided to wait till they are the right age to go ahead with the divorce.Although i never really understood why he needed to wait. Now they are all grown up and still......

I have met with his family and he has met with mine. his mom is very nice to me. But that doesn't change anything.I didn't know what else i should do except that i have been working hard and keeping myself occupied trying not to think about it. I feel sad at times realizing the things that would never happen for me. What should i do??

[Dora]

I am heartbroken after reading your story! 10 Years! how could you do this to youself? I know, you know we all know that you should leave this selfish man behind and move on with your own life. But...let these wiser people give you courage, I am speechless...

[Skittles]

Hi all! I'm glad i came across this site. I have been in a relationship with a "married significant other" for almost 10 years. How time flies!! I didn't know why i stayed so long. All these years of waiting and hoping is taking its toll on me.

 

Hi Silhouette...ten years! wow thats a long time.

 

You are truly a veteran of the triangulated relationship. I am guessing that you stayed because you and your mm love one another.

 

I can't tell you what to do, because after ten years time, I have a suspicion that you know what to do...and/or those friends and family members in your life aware of your situation have advised you as to what you ought to to do throughout the ten year run .

 

Now I have a question for you.

 

Did you ever consider that the reason you stayed so long in this relationship might have something to do with a fear or avoidance of intimacy?...That this kind of relationship really does work for you?...because if this isn't the case and you have spent ten years in abject misery with this fella, then you have issues that are much more serious as well..

 

If you are the Rip Van Winkle of affairs and just woke up to the dead end, then I say good morning and get help...you deserve to be happy.

 

....(Ok don't jump on my head folks...I am not supporting the behavior....just the person.

 

 

What to do silhouette?...The answer has been with you all along.

[Belleoftheball]

Silhoutte, wow...I'm there...been 10 years of turmoil, happiness, indecision, and countless other emotions. I've posted on other boards...been blasted for my "stupidity" as accused by others, "selfishness" etc. etc...It is incredibly hard to describe the emotional up's and down's that a long term affair has on an individual. I've been on top of the world, full of hope one minute, then ready to get a gun stick it in my mouth and blow myself to Hell the next. My situation changed this last spring. The wife (who has spent her time addicted to prescription drugs during and before the marriage) left after the truth about her addiction via loss of job, came to light. The divorce was just granted at the first of this month. Trust me, it's just as confusing when you start getting what you think you want. My advise is just to ask this man, where in the heck is this going? After ten long years, you KNOW whether he's being straight with you or if it's gonna happen or not. Set him down and dump it all out. I know, you're afraid. Afraid he'll say what you don't want to hear, especially after investing 10 years of your life in this man, but it HAS TO HAPPEN...TRUST ME ON THIS! Stop putting this off. The day his wife moved out I gathered up the guts to ask him what he really wanted. This meaning, are you going after her, beg her to come back, try to work it out, whatever. I felt like this was the time,so I went for broke. I realized that after all this time this had become comfortable, and it would continue on as it had until I got past my fear of rejection or whatever and said what was on my mind. After asking him what he planned to do, I told him I needed to know if I was just something on the side or just where I stood if I wasn't. The time had come to make some decisions. Needless to say there were some things we both weren't sure about, but we agreed to handle this. I was prepared to walk. He didn't want me to. I said I'd walk away if he wanted her even just in the slightest way and I meant it. I told him what I wanted from him and wanted to know whether or not we were on the same page. After 10 years, sometimes we assume an awful lot. My husband had moved out prior to his wife's moving, and I let him know that I would claim a life for myself in the near future. I told him I wasn't digging for a diamond, but wanted to know if I was in his future plans. You need to know...you need to ask...you need to for your own sanity. Then, you either do something or walk.

[Little me]

I read all thsi stories and I dont want to become any of you involved for so long with this attached people... no ofense and I feel so sick and acking.

[Beach Gurl]

Hmm, what can I say but "wow" as well. 10 years is a very very long time to play second fiddle. I have done it for 2 years and am already sick of it, have been for a year already.

Have just ended it in the last few days, know your pain.

 

Did you ever consider that the reason you stayed so long in this relationship might have something to do with a fear or avoidance of intimacy?...That this kind of relationship really does work for you?... SKITTLES

 

Yes!!!! Insightful indeed. I see myself in this. Since my divorce I have no faith in monogamy, marriage, relationships. I thought I had it all and it was for keeps, alas ...

I think this is the truth for more than care to admit it.

 

In addition to BelleofTheBall's comments - in my experience, I have found it extremely difficult to end it, to break through to my MM that I want out, I want more. He keeps on and on trying to woo me back. This has had to be the hardest of it for me. Having to say NO when all you want to do is say YES.

 

One coping mechanism for me is that I try not to view it as time wasted. Surely in your 10 years you have shared some beautiful experiences? I know I have. And I love the person. A love, a feeling, I would never ever want to erase from my memory.

 

 

Take Care.