-just got served papers

[SRV]

So, quick update.

 

I came back, found out not only did she change the locks on the house (which I figured she would) they put sheets up in front of the windows even in the garage. Her P's are supporting this probably because she told them my behavior of looking for evidence of the EA/PA, yet she hasn't told them about it. I don't have any solid evidence other than her word to expose, not that it matters at this point.

 

I also found out she went into my office while i was gone this weekend, and took things that, although she purchased, were for the clinic and rearranged it to not look so obvious. I am tempted to file a police report on her, but know it won't do any good (it was about 100 bucks worth of stuff) on any front. I am choosing not to respond to keep her worried about what I will do. I guess I should speak to my lawyer about the legal aspect, but dang, this is messed up.

 

I do not see any need for a reconciliation with your wife. Step aside from your situation for a minute and picture this as a friend of your going through this, what would you advise them?

 

I guess if I am right that you do not have kids together? If not, count your lucky stars. Concentrate on detaching from her and building up your practice, more easier said than done, but doable. You will find a good woman that will love and respect you the way you deserve. She is a lost cause, let her go for your own sanity and well-being. Good luck to you!

[mikeymad]

You're right. There isn't a need to reconcile. I don't need her. I would prefer it worked out, and am trying to prove(maybe just to myself) that I truly tried everything, that I gave it my all before I gave up. I am a firm believer in working to make your marriage work, even at its worst. That is the commitment I made, and I must fulfill, even if it is only from my end.

 

That being said, things are looking dismal. And yes, this weekend in march may be more of a hail mary than an actual plan, but it's something to help me keep my eyes on the horizon.

 

sometimes in the process eliminating negatives is just as good as building positives, at least in the beginning of what fpad describes as a long, arduous journey

Edited February 1, 2010 by mikeymad

[curiou]

dude,

 

her actions portend a poor prognosis for this situation. I get what you're saying, and that you're in it to win it, heck who on these message boards hasn't felt that way, but you're treading dangerously in psycho ex-husband territory (at least you're going to appear that way). She freaking put sheets up to keep prying eyes out, right? You need to back off, don't call her for set up any emotional conversations, because from here on out any contact can be misconstrued. Who's to say she's not already documenting things?

 

If your practice isn't paying the bills, you need to do something to get some positive cash flow. Work on yourself, but really, back off.

[mikeymad]

Yes, I know that it doesn't look good. This is what my lawyer said, but she seems only concerned with the D and nothing else. The tit-for-tat puts a damper on it. The windows are NOT indeed covered. Nonetheless, she still isn't contacting me or responding in any way shape or form, and is basing her actions purely on her emotions. It's just that I'm in a whirlwind right now and I'm looking for some sort of control over my life, and it seems as if I have none right now. I feel like a burden to my friends and family because I don't want to overwhelm them, so I come on here when I'm having a hard time, which is a lot. I'm probably overwhelming some very good-intentioned people on here, which I apologize for. It just seems easier to get my emotions out to total strangers than having to face it head on with another person.

[mikeymad]

Just got word that her lawyer "suggested" she change her locks "for security reasons". I also got word I have my initial case management meeting in a month...any ideas what to expect/how to go about this?

 

Has anybody read a book called Rebuilding: When your relationship ends. I found it on a community bookshelf in my apartment, and it has some pretty good stuff about the stages someone goes through during this period, and makes us take a look at the dynamic of our relationship with our partner. I leafed through it, but it could turn out to be good. I'm just afraid it will invalidate my marriage as a bad choice and one I shouldn't have made, or someone I shouldn't be hopeful about.

Edited February 3, 2010 by mikeymad

[FreeNow]

I'm just afraid it will invalidate my marriage as a bad choice and one I shouldn't have made, or someone I shouldn't be hopeful about.

 

Wow mikeymad... I'm not trying to rub salt in the wound here, however, sometimes the way to healing is more painful than not treating the problem.

 

- You were married and are currently married, albeit in a divorce process. As such, no book or anything said or written could possibly invalidate that.

- Both of you made a choice to wed so there really aren't any 'shouldn't haves' in this situation. There is only what is. Based upon your feelings, thoughts, etc at the time, you made the best choice for you. Please don't tear yourself down further with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". No book is going to cause this second guessing if it isn't already happening in your own head.

- How hopeful might one reasonably be about a marriage in this situation?

 

A book isn't going to invalidate anything or force you down a path you don't want to take. Browse the book and if it is something you want to read then read it. Disregard parts that don't fit into your paradigm right now and that which you don't wish to utilize. There's no harm in reading it if you so choose. Likewise there's no harm in not reading it.

[BearMox]

Just got word that her lawyer "suggested" she change her locks "for security reasons". I also got word I have my initial case management meeting in a month...any ideas what to expect/how to go about this?

 

case management? as in a court mandated meeting to see how a dissolution case is proceeding? what state are we talking about?

[mikeymad]

Minnesota.

[tnttim]

My only advise for you right now is to scrap the marriage management weekend. It takes 2 to fix a broken marriage and I only see one trying to STILL fix it. You know when a wound heals, it still hurts like hell, but if you pick at it, it will take forever to heal.

[BearMox]

Minnesota.

I'll preface that my experience in family law is from hours of self study of family law in california through the process of my own divorce, I'm not a law professional.

 

MN is not a bad place to divorce in my estimation. They do a informal hearing in Hennepin county whenever a dissolution is filed. Her lawyer will come to it and yours should as well if you (or she) are being represented.

 

The hearing is informal and you don't have to agree to anything in it if you don't want to, however the goal of the meeting is to find out what you guys can agree on and if you guys can agree, probably put it in writing (writing being code for marking a box on a court form).

 

There really isnt a need for lawyers these days as most family courts have alot of knowledgeable free help available. That said get a good lawyer, even if you only use them for consulting. Use your professional experience in the medial field to quickly asses their capability. the martin hubble ratings are reliable for getting a feel for the best law firms in your area.

 

Getting screwed in divorce is usually a matter of getting someone to agree to something that isn't equitable, being able to manipulate what your gross income is on paper and getting someone to escalate or do something stupid (verbal threats, abuse) in order to get defects levied against them in order to better position a fault or custody dispute.

 

Good general advice (most lawyers give this) is to be honorable and a peacekeeper and set the bar high for what a "good faith" effort should be.

 

As far as alimony go, I don't think they generally award any in MN unless the marriage duration is over 4 years.

 

As far as property, although it isn't a community property state, equitable distribution pretty much makes sure that things are fair.

[mikeymad]

Why is it that this hurts so bad? Why can't I sleep, eat, or even seem to function? Why do we replay the tapes in our heads all the time? Why is it that I hold on for hope, despite the circumstances? How to I decide whether to fight like hell or just give up? I know what I want, but why won't she listen to a word I say? I have poured my heart out, drowned in a sea of tears, and wished morning would never come. I have never felt more alone. I find myself just reaching out for anyone to talk to, spend time with etc to fill that void. It's a struggle to get through each day, and I feel like I can never get ahead because of all these backslides.

 

I know that this isn't the person that she would want to be with. I am consciously aware of that. The worst part is, that even though I know this, I can't seem to change it. I don't know if I analyze myself too much, but is it possible i don't want to feel better, because if I do that's a step to getting over "us"? Because I know that the NC for "getting them back" isn't even really true to that extent...that it's to fool you so you get to a point where you don't care if they come back...

 

How else do people cope with these emotions? Any advice would be very helpful.

Edited February 6, 2010 by mikeymad

[carhill]

How else do people cope with these emotions? Any advice would be very helpful.

 

I reach into carhill's pharmacy and whip up a cocktail

 

I'd suggest, if this is interfering with everyday functioning, to see a doctor. For myself, cutting out caffeine and red meats and drinking less has helped me with anxiety. The behavioral modification tools I learned in MC help as well. If/when it hits hard, I'm not afraid of taking appropriate meds to get through the episodes. Having a positive attitude helps. Accept that there will be low points. Get a cat

[JLoves]

The worst part is, that even though I know this, I can't seem to change it. I don't know if I analyze myself too much, but is it possible i don't want to feel better, because if I do that's a step to getting over "us"? Because I know that the NC for "getting them back" isn't even really true to that extent...that it's to fool you so you get to a point where you don't care if they come back...

 

How else do people cope with these emotions? Any advice would be very helpful.

 

It's something you just have to do when you feel like it.

 

I picked up a book in the library just before Christmas called 'Recycled People'. (by a NZ author so it's NZ orientated).

 

The thing was, I didn't want to start reading it for the same reason. I felt that if I started reading about life after a split up, then I was giving up. I've read the Divorce Busting books and others which are the 'repair the relationship' books. Eventually after my Christmas holiday I started reading it. When I got it out of the library I wasn't ready, but eventually I was a few weeks later.

 

Starting to read that book was the first part of admitting that it's very likely unrecoverable and that I needed to start looking to the future without her.

 

Day by day the emotional stuff gets easier, just think back to the first days of all this and think of how you felt then vs how you are feeling when your being up. It only gets better.. Hell, the only way is up when you are feeling so low.

 

The thing about NC is you have to remember that regardless of if it's for you or trying to get back together is that it might work. The alternative behavior is guaranteed not too. Either way, it's helping your mental state.. Keep it up.

 

Every time life throws you a low ball, you have to pick it up and throw it back.

 

As always, keep posting.. Someone will post a reply for you to read and ponder. Keep your mind active. Try to think of other things.

[tnttim]

Have you tried to seek professional help for this. You need to learn some coping mechanisms. My only advice to you is to keep trying something new until you find something that works. Good old trial and error can solve any problem.

Trust me, we all have, or had these feelings. I can tell you doing the same thing over and over again will not solve your problem. Have you looked up anything on the coping forum? Maybe someone did something that will work for you as well.

[mikeymad]

thanks guys. just hit a panic mode there for a while.

Cahill-cat, a good idea. I used to have a rat actually. Pretty good pets. Sorry, no meds for this guy, it's something i'm against philisophically and professionally.

 

jloves-that is exactly where i'm at with that book. in one of the chapters it says. Your relationship has come to an end. please take some time to cry/process this before you move on. I haven't gotten past that chapter.

 

tnt-yeah, i'm trying to find some coping mech's that are actually positive. drinking is getting old. just makes you more emo and do dumb stuff, like break NC.

 

thanks for the support guys, i'll try not to be such a whiny bitch in the future

[carhill]

Just as a point of reference, alcohol is a medication, as it changes brain chemistry. Caring for a clinically mentally ill person changed my no-tolerance policy regarding psych meds. It was either that or die. The world isn't so black and white anymore. Hope you find the method which is healthiest for you. OK, the cat is hugging my arm and snoring

[tnttim]

You have been drinking through this, ouch. The thing I found out about drinking is that it is a mood enhancer. If you're in a bad mood, it will make it worse. If your depressed, you will be more depressed. I know stopping is very hard. I did it, and if I did it, I know you can too.

The thought I had when I stopped was this: I have 2 daughters, and what do girls look for in a man? Their father. Then I thought do I want my daughters marrying an alcholic as*shole that can't control their feelings. It gave me enough motivation to stop. Good luck man, I truly understand you a lot more now.

[mikeymad]

i wouldn't consider myself alcoholic, and yes, i know it's self medicating. I used to drink mainly a few on the weekends, but now it's like 2-3 drinks a night (beer). I don't get drunk, but it numbs me a little bit, which i need right now. it's great when i'm with friends, but when the lows hit, yikes.

[tnttim]

The more you lean on a rubber crutch, the more it bends. I'm just saying be careful with self medicating, it's not facing your problems, it's running from them and they always catch up.