-just got served papers

[Jeff1962]

Mikey, dude. Listen to yourself for a minute. You've contemplated giving up YOUR practise to save HER house. I'm sorry but that is just not clear thinking. Stop thinking with your heart and think with your head. All you have in this life is yourself, numero uno. That's it. Get it together.

 

I don't think you get it. She wants a divorce. She wants you completley out of her life. You have to face this. You have to let her go dude. As hard as this may be, this is reality. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can move on and it will get easier.

 

Dude, you need to grow a pair and grab them and say screw her. I deserve better than this s***. You mikey, you are your life, she is not your life. You have to be happy.

 

Have no contact with her other than thru your lawyer. This is going to actually make it easier on you in the long run.

 

Dude, you are a doctor. You are smart. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Look at it this way, you could be in a marriage for 20 years and be miserable. This is your second chance. Take it by the horns and live it. GET LAID, GET LAID, GET LAID. Sorry ladies if this sounds cold but for a guy it does help.

 

Get a Harley, you can meet alot of good people by riding a bike. I have a Road King and I love it. I ride all the time. It can set your mind at ease.

 

GET OUT AND MEET PEOPLE. Mikey, I know this sucks for you but you have to face this chapter in your life with balls. Learn from it, don't become a victim of it.

 

Good luck to you buddy.

[reboot]

The sad truth is, letting her go is probably the only chance of getting her back. The problem with that is, once you've let her go, and your head is clear, you probably won't want her back.

[mikeymad]

"booksmart" and "relationship smart" are two entirely different enchiladas. I mean here I am, sitting on the floor of the apartment i just signed for, with absolutely nothing in it...thank god I have an internet connection from the neighbor. but this just seems to be the epitome of my life right now; it just seems....well, empty. I could get through school and open a business just fine, but knowing how to make a relationship work apparently eluded me. Should have enrolled in that class as an elective . I know I can't take all the blame, but the spurned and burned tend to get a little on the overly introspective side.

 

And PS, jeff....I'm more of a rocket kind of a guy.

 

Skol Vikings.

[tnttim]

I understand the feelings your are having. Your good memories with her are now bad memories because she is gone. You think about this mess all day long, and all night long when you should be sleeping. You think if she was just here I could fix all this, I'd do all the things I should have done in the past. I'm scared of the divorce, and the implications of being alone. You think I'll never find another like her. You think all this time with her is wasted, and I have to now start over with another, if I ever find another. Your wishing this would be just a horrible dream and you'll wake up relieved.

I've been there man, I feel for you. It will get better, you just have to try to make it the best you can. I would start small, find a new hobby besides this place. I read a lot of books personally. I joined facebook and reconnected with a lot of old friends, god they helped me so much. I also picked one day a week where I went out with family or friends, they helped even more.

[mikeymad]

see i "grew up" in the technology age...i was one of the first people on facebook. hell, my wife is such a picture nut all of our wedding pictures are posted online. it makes things even more weird, because now everyone has to see that our relationship will go from "married" to "its complicated" or "single". The even worse part is within the past week i've had more people ask me about my marriage or being married than I can ever remember. They have no clue what's going on, and i have to lie because i can't stand talking about it to people.

 

and tnt, you hit the nail on the head with how i feel most of the time. but part of the time it's nice not living in fear someone will leave you, walking on eggshells for someone else, and never having them reciprocate. thinking you are a horrible person and there must be something wrong with you if you aren't making things work out

Edited January 16, 2010 by mikeymad

[tnttim]

The facebook thing is rough but you should be honest. A girl I went to school with on mine, said it says tim, but i see sad tim. I was honest with her, and she really helped me out. Talk to some friends about this, it helps to let it all out sometimes. You will get a little better everday, trust me. I'm glad to heat your getting better, good for you.

[JLoves]

and tnt, you hit the nail on the head with how i feel most of the time. but part of the time it's nice not living in fear someone will leave you, walking on eggshells for someone else, and never having them reciprocate. thinking you are a horrible person and there must be something wrong with you if you aren't making things work out

 

Amen to that.

 

I only started using facebook recently, since i was weary of it being a time suck.. Of course my ex was one of my first friends.. I had to delete her from my friends list as I couldn't stand knowing she was doing ok, and doing stuff out of my control. Better not to know, so I made the decision and deleted her. I have my facebook account 'back' now. No need to be scared of looking at it.

 

All her posts are now friends only since the privacy changes on FB, so I can't look even if I wanted to. (which I do occasionally).

 

I agree with tim, no need to hide.. Most people are receptive when you say your having problems. You have to decide what you'll post publically though.. I think facebook is still too public and it can come back to haunt/hurt you. Private msgs to friends is ok though.

Edited January 16, 2010 by JLoves

[curiou]

Mikeymad,

 

What's the situation?

 

You can still "process" the emotions of this situation while taking the logical steps to safeguard your financial and emotional well-being. When I was in the midst of my ex-wife's betrayal and was in the pleading, longing stage, my friend told me to proceed with divorce, and if we worked it out, we could always get back together and get remarried. I kind of brushed off that advice, but it makes more sense to me now. Not sure most people could implement that advice, but the message is, your head will protect you and your heart is hurting you. You need your heart to feel the highs, but it's responsible also for the lows.

 

You are obviously precocious--a practicing 27 year old physician either entered school early, did a combined BA/MD program or is a podiatrist or some other ancillary medical field. Whatever the reason, you're in a prime stage of your life and SO FREAKING lucky not to have joint debt and stuff to separate.

[mikeymad]

I just took my last load of stuff out of the house and am sitting in "my apartment", surrounded by boxes and having it be empty and quiet.....and it was by far the hardest box to pack, because it was all the pictures of us and the picture albums/scrapbooks of us over the years. I agonized over whether to take them all or leave them to spare myself the pain of going through them. In the end I took a few of each, leaving the other ones. I was starting to do better with keeping my mind off of things, but this brought me crashing right back down to earth....

[floridapad]

Mike

 

Dont be afraid to grieve and cry. When your done, pick your Azz off the floor and get angry. Don't be afraid to let it all out. The only thing that kept me going was my friends, family, LS and my role models.

 

You'll get through it. You are crazy young. Learn and grow my friend. Learn and grow. There are A LOT of women who will love you for you and you will be able to offer them so much more. Your W will be kicking herself down the road. No doubt!!

[seibert253]

Mike,

You've got alot going for you. You're young, probably not bad to look at, and a Doctor on top of that.

 

Yeah right now life sucks, but the old saying runs true, time heals all wounds.

 

Over time, you wont give a sh#t what she's doing or who she's with.

Being a young succesful doctor, you will have NO PROBLEM, attracting women. You will find the one who will treat you with the love, honor, and respect you deserve.

 

One day at a time, one small step at a time. Remember we are your friends, and we are always here to help.

 

Peace, good luck, and God Bless

[mikeymad]

That's the thing. Most people have commented somewhat on my profession. I'm not an MD, I'm a DC. Nonetheless, it doesn't matter what initials I have after my name. My W was with me before I had those...and took a lot of things pretty well considering the rigors of my schooling. I would rather she have her MRS....

I just feel like I'm on autopilot right now. Seeing that house empty of my stuff made me sick. I don't even want to unpack, because I feel transient. I'm on the brink of losing it at any second, yet I feel somewhere between sad and numb. I see her face in every woman I look at. Even trying to talk to a woman instantly makes me think of her, and how things got to the way they are. I still can't bring myself to take my ring off. I know to some extent I am putting this on myself, but just moving on feels wrong. I know I've got her on a pedastal, but she really was a wonderful woman, and one that I wanted to have a family and grow old with. Unfortunately those dreams are shattered now.

 

Side note: Thank you all who follow me and my story. Amongst so many lost souls, I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm wasn't one to ask for help before as a pride issue...would internalize everything, but I can't do it anymore, it hurts too much, I am also trying to let people that I appreciate know how I feel. So I guess this is a positive growth step for me.

Edited January 18, 2010 by mikeymad

[mikeymad]

and of course today after I let her know i took my stuff, she unloads on me about how it's going to be a wakeup for me to take care of myself since she spend all this money so i could survive over the years. HELLO i was in school full time and couldn't really do a job, and then i was in a pretty much unpaid internship then started my office, which takes time to get off the ground. Hard to defend myself against that.

 

And the worst part...even though we fought, I feel better, like there is still a connection there. Is that just completely messed up?

[Chrome Barracuda]

and of course today after I let her know i took my stuff, she unloads on me about how it's going to be a wakeup for me to take care of myself since she spend all this money so i could survive over the years. HELLO i was in school full time and couldn't really do a job, and then i was in a pretty much unpaid internship then started my office, which takes time to get off the ground. Hard to defend myself against that.

 

And the worst part...even though we fought, I feel better, like there is still a connection there. Is that just completely messed up?

 

WTF???

 

She's the one that doesnt want to be married. and yet she blames you for cheating her out of the spoils of your financial windfall??? HUH?

 

Doesnt she see how much you desire and wants her and yet she's leaving!!!

 

GOD WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO THIS WOMAN!

 

detach!!!! and go NC with her it isnt doing you any good, because emotionally your gonna remain stagnant. Just remember she's the one who left not you. You could rebuild this marriage and make it better she doesnt.

 

So what can she say, anything she says wont be worth crap!

[mikeymad]

ok, timeout

 

The responses i've gotten about leaving my practice has gotten me to think, in order of importance, where should we put our family? I would think God first, then family. Ask any parent if they would take out a second mortgage for their child if they got sick, even if they were in their "rebellious" years. That is my point. Everything in my business is tainted by the struggle I went through with my W. I feel like I wasn't focused on my internship because of our issues and we were separated so I wasn't properly prepared, and the struggle I have having now follows our marriage to suit. I really can't separate the two from each other. I know I can step down, take some heat and debt, get an easier but less income potential earning job to get back on my feet and save, and open up a private practice in 5 or so years. Like someone said, we sacrifice the momentary for the eternal.

[FreeNow]

Let me give you a solemn warning about that line of thinking. I sacrificed my career as a physician, in part, to appease a selfish wife and keep our family together. Don't do it!

 

If she doesn't have the integrity and fortitude to hold herself together during this moment in the marriage, it will be something else later down the line. When the going gets tough, these types of spouses get going away from the marriage.

 

Lick your wounds, move along. You don't want a spouse like that. She is bad news!

[mikeymad]

FreeNow

Can you explain your situation a little further? Was it by her request, or did you do it of your own accord? There is also the possibility by working too much and putting family further down the list that they would leave too, so who's to know how that will work out. Does that mean we always revert back to protecting #1? Isn't that the absolute opposite of loving someone?

[sumdude]

FreeNow

Can you explain your situation a little further? Was it by her request, or did you do it of your own accord? There is also the possibility by working too much and putting family further down the list that they would leave too, so who's to know how that will work out. Does that mean we always revert back to protecting #1? Isn't that the absolute opposite of loving someone?

 

No, you can't love someone if you've given all of yourself away. You'll have nothing to give.

[FreeNow]

As corny as it might seem; one must love one's self before one can love anyone else.

 

My short story is that I had to work a lot as she chose to be a SAHM. However, she was a SHAM for years about it. She cheated. I forgave and spent more time on her than I should have and less on my career. A few years later, she cheated a lot and then I fell ill due to injury and my career faltered. I tried everything within my then limited power to fix the marriage. The end result was that the children and I finally couldn't take her selfishness anymore so we told her to leave. I've raised them the rest of the way completely on my own and we are doing just fine.

 

Some of your posts describe her black and white thinking. That is one huge red flag. Please don't waste your life trying to stay with someone that is so selfish and engages is this all or nothing BS. If she really thinks that way then she probably needs help from a specialist. If she doesn't really think that way then she is manipulative. Either way, change would need to come from her by her choice.

 

Live your life for yourself a little while. A few years from now you'll be glad you did.

Edited January 19, 2010 by FreeNow
typo

[scorpmale009]

mike,

loving some one doesn't mean disdain yourself..

i will not loose my individuality,my career, my dreams for anybody...you can survive without love(whatever the love you feel for your wife) but not with out money or career

 

in fact money and career are the only things which will get you the recognition not your wife

 

bro,please do not waste your time anymore on this....every thing is replaceable in the world(including your w) except the time you last(spent & wasted) over this

Edited January 20, 2010 by scorpmale009

[mikeymad]

i understand where you are coming from, but I don't feel it's giving up on my dreams etc, I feel like it would be taking a small step back in order to amend some of the wrongs I did, which was putting myself and my career first, despite her objections. I can live with that. Which would be a huge step forward for us. I thought the key to changing your situation is to first change yourself.

[tnttim]

mike,

loving some one doesn't mean disdain yourself..

i will not loose my individuality,my career, my dreams for anybody...you can survive without love(whatever the love you feel for your wife) but not with out money or career

 

in fact money and career are the only things which will get you the recognition not your wife

 

bro,please do not waste your time anymore on this....every thing is replaceable in the world(including your w) except the time you last(spent & wasted) over this

WOW, your a genius, seriously. That's the best post Ive heard yet.

[FreeNow]

she has told me she is and has been miserable for years. wanted things to change but they didn't.

 

Yet she didn't do anything, including leaving you, to change this?!?

 

had cold feet before the wedding.

 

Yet she still stood up and took a vow?!?

 

Her position in arguements was always to reatreat.

 

... and rely on someone else to fix her problems! Get used to a lifetime of that until one day you can't fix it then she is so gone.

 

In her life she hasn't really had a problem cutting people out and never talking to them again.

 

Yes, that is so much easier for her than actually working on human relationships. That takes real work.

 

She did this with her best friend after the wedding over the fact that her friend was mad she wasn't the MOH instead of my wife's (still can't call her my stbxw) sister.

 

Boundary issues perhaps? She seems to want only relationships that work perfectly for her. Entitlement galore with this one.

 

Think about it man... this IS her... this will only get worse over time if she doesn't address it. This is a personality issue that requires many hours of IC and a commitment to overcome.

 

Think with your head and not your heart for a moment.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Exactly FN, she could have done many things to change it and yet she didnt.

[floridapad]

FN's post says it all Mike. You may not realize it now, but you are fortunate to be going through this and actually looking at yourself in this process. Don't stop. As for her, she won't look at her self and her part in the demise and God help the next person she is with. You on the other hand will have done all the mental work about yourself and be able to take that with you. Your future GF and W will be happy you did.