Why is there such a lack of understanding towards BSs?

[dazzle22]

I think Shakespeare summed it up best, as he (or whoever wrote the stuff) did on so many issues...

 

"oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we PRACTICE to deceive"....

 

Once you step over the line and knowingly try to deceive someone who trusts you and whom you have made a vow of faithfulness to, the valkyries of karma start circling and looking for the target on your butt. And everyone in your wake becomes a casualty. OM/OW/BS..the lot of them...

[jennie-jennie]

It IS SOUL DESTROYING, and I can't imagine many women with the strength to survive that type of relationship long-term. It would be similiar to the BS throwing them out, they return to the OW and over time, sees him pining away for the wife he threw away. Complete role-reversal.

 

Would we then say the OW sttled for the married man? I don't think so. And I do not think it would be fair to any of the parties involved.

 

Spark, are you not asking the wrong question here? Should it not be whether the MM is settling for the OW in this case? And I believe the answer might be yes, he is.

 

My MM is struggling with the two alternatives he sees for his future. With me (his OW) or with his family. He can not see that he can find happiness in any one of these alternatives. What is he to do? He has found himself in a position from where he knows not where to go.

[jennie-jennie]

Spark, from the stories I have read, not only here but on another board as well, there seems to be a lot of MM who DO want to work on the marriage. Only to find out that they are not able to as long as they still have feelings for the OW.

 

And Spark, thank you for acknowledging that there actually may exist something as a truthful MM. That is your strength. That you listen to the people you talk to, be they OW or BS.

Edited January 10, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[skylarblue]

Sorry, but I’ve always thought that the BW stays in a M, especially in a long-term A, because she has to. My immediate and honest thoughts are the BW stays because a) need the security b) pay check c) provider and parent for the children d) don't want to be alone. I always think “he must support her”, “she can’t make it on her own”, and “she can’t get anyone else”. That if a woman was financially independent and decent looking, she wouldn’t “settle” for a man who had betrayed her. Honestly, “love” never entered my mind because all I could think is how could you ever look at the WH in the same light again. How could you not always think about the A every time you see him? I just couldn’t imagine living in a situation where everything that I thought was real suddenly wasn’t. I guess I can’t imagine anyone else being able to unless they “had to”. It seems like the BW is “okaying” the A and the WH knows he has and can get away with it with little consequence. I think a lot of guys have A knowing that ultimately the BW will stay and “work” on the M. I guess that’s why I’ve held the position that if the BW isn’t going to leave the WH and vice versa, she shouldn’t be too concerned about an A. Why go through the pain of having your world destroyed if you’re going to “settle” anyway.

[silktricks]

Jennie, if you are getting the truth, than IMO, you may be in the rare situation of having a relationship with a truthful MM.

 

In the majority of occasions, I believe (and have read) that the MP about to embark on the affair, needs to CONVINCE themselves that their spouse does not care about them, is not in love with them, no longer desires them, blah, blah blah.

 

They first distance themselves from the marital relationship rather than work to improve it.

 

 

But to be a little more fair to the MP, usually they have some good valid grounds to begin with. A marriage that is in good shape is not going to have either member "about to embark on an affair". True, the prospective MP usually needs to put some effort into convincing themselves their partner no longer cares, but they've also usually got some evidence to begin with that they then build on.

 

Let's face it, the BS is just human. There are problems in the relationship and usually NEITHER partner is dealing with it well. The fact that the MP chooses to have an affair does not ipso facto mean the BS is lily-white pre-affair.

 

And for that matter - in regard to the truthfulness of the MM, most of the time there is this undercurrent of "they're all liars". I have a real hard time believing that every person on the face of the earth who has an affair is a liar. Are they telling the whole truth all the time? No, but does anyone? Mostly, I would bet that they are just confused. Confusion often leads to saying one thing at one moment and another thing at another. Neither is a LIE. The fact that the two things are diametrically opposed doesn't mean that one time he's telling the truth and other he's lying. It just means he's messed up.

Edited January 10, 2010 by silktricks

[Spark1111]

Silk, could NOT AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

 

His lying to all of us was not intentional; it was a symptom of his own underlying issues and his confusion regarding who or what would make him happy.

 

I now believe he lied and spun the greatest delusions to himself; justified those delusions; and than gave himself permission to act in the most self-destructive way possible towards all.

 

But if he "lied" or spun his tale about us and our marriage one way, and then "lied" and spun his tale to her after DDAy another way; then got caught in those perceptions and lies and then exhibited incredible confusion and cowardice toward both of us, BS and OW.

 

Now there are two women who love, or have loved him who have grown doubtful they even WANT him anymore.Or remain scared and untrusting to want him.

 

I would venture a guess that in this scenario, no one is settling. The relationship that endures, whether it be the BS or the OW, is the one that gets hammered out to be to be the more fulfilling of the two.

 

And I disagree that there has to be a reason to have an affair. Sometimes yes, but not always. Sometimes affairs can happen in very happy marriages.

 

It is more indicative of an unmet need in the WS, and that can be from childhood, the present day, and not necessarily a reflection of the spouse, though the spouse and the marriage are frequently used as the excuse to engage the AP.

[Spark1111]

Spark, from the stories I have read, not only here but on another board as well, there seems to be a lot of MM who DO want to work on the marriage. Only to find out that they are not able to as long as they still have feelings for the OW.

 

And Spark, thank you for acknowledging that there actually may exist something as a truthful MM. That is your strength. That you listen to the people you talk to, be they OW or BS.

 

Be careful here, Jennie. Do they still have feelings for the OW, or is the pain and devastation in BS's eyes, and in the eyes of their children, more than they can or want to handle? More than they could possibly do the work to overcome? In a marital relationship that they had to distance themselves from to have an affair in the first place?

 

That is why so many espouse NC after DDAY. I think many OW mistakenly believe it is to protect the BS and to ensure the MM can commit 100% of his attention to the marriage.

 

I believe, woman to woman, it also protects the OW/OM.

 

Let him make up his mind and let him ACT on that decision.

 

I cannot believe OW/OM want to be anyone's default choice either.

 

Who wants to be settled for?

 

If he misses me that much and I AM the one he truly loves and wants to be with, I agree with reboot: He will move mountains to do so, whether you are the BS or the OW.

[OWoman]

Listen, this is classis caking eating behaviour.

Of course he loves his wife. NO MAN would take any women back if he didn't love her.

What happened is their separation made them open up some communication they were lacking and he realized he didn't want to leave her.

Then they probably went back to their old way of life (no therapy) and he got bored again so he called you.

 

You have a long heartbreaking road ahead of you

 

I need to take issue with that - not because it might not apply in that particular case (on which I can't comment, not knowing enough), but because as it stands as a generalisation about ALL cases, it's incorrect.

 

My H had previously taken his xW back after a separation - she begged him to take her back, her life was falling apart, and the kids were really taking strain - against his better judgment. He didn't take her back because he loved her, he took her back because he felt sorry for her, and because he was worried about the kids. He was advised against doing so by everyone - but he thought he was doing his duty by doing so. Of course it all fell apart after that - because it wasn't based on love, but on pity.

[OWoman]

And I disagree that there has to be a reason to have an affair. Sometimes yes, but not always. Sometimes affairs can happen in very happy marriages.

 

It is more indicative of an unmet need in the WS, and that can be from childhood, the present day, and not necessarily a reflection of the spouse, though the spouse and the marriage are frequently used as the excuse to engage the AP.

 

I suspect in many cases it's an interplay of many things. I've seen many people with poor coping skills embarking on As when things get rough in Ms - sure, there were problems in the M, but there were problems in the WS too.

 

Sometimes, however, MMs get comfortable and ASSUME the M is fine and happy - and an A is the furthest thing from their mind. But yet, if one is offered to them on a plate, with the prospect of no strings attached, etc... they might well agree (at least IME) - and at that point they have something to compare the M to, and they start realising it isn't all as wonderful as they'd thought, and their unhappiness with it begins to build up as they realise how they've "settled" (not for the BS, necessarily, but for being M) and how different things might have been, or might be.

[Spoiled]

I don't disagree with that.

 

My point was mainly, in my opinion, men who say they won't leave because of the kids, the finances, the cat, or whatever, are mostly lying.

 

As a xMOW, I disagree!!!!! I stayed in my M for many reasons and my H and xMM both know why and my reasons are NOT lies.

 

1. I love my H, we are great friends and get along well, I owe my M a try.

2. Grew up in a very loving, two parent home and I would prefer we reconcile for our children.

3. My H and I have done very well financially, no debt, good investments, and in the process of great planning for retirement and our childrens' education. Interrupt this?

 

And there are other reasons. I do not understand why these reasons are most likely lies!

[Spoiled]

Sorry, but I’ve always thought that the BW stays in a M, especially in a long-term A, because she has to. My immediate and honest thoughts are the BW stays because a) need the security b) pay check c) provider and parent for the children d) don't want to be alone. I always think “he must support her”, “she can’t make it on her own”, and “she can’t get anyone else”. That if a woman was financially independent and decent looking, she wouldn’t “settle” for a man who had betrayed her. Honestly, “love” never entered my mind because all I could think is how could you ever look at the WH in the same light again. How could you not always think about the A every time you see him? I just couldn’t imagine living in a situation where everything that I thought was real suddenly wasn’t. I guess I can’t imagine anyone else being able to unless they “had to”. It seems like the BW is “okaying” the A and the WH knows he has and can get away with it with little consequence. I think a lot of guys have A knowing that ultimately the BW will stay and “work” on the M. I guess that’s why I’ve held the position that if the BW isn’t going to leave the WH and vice versa, she shouldn’t be too concerned about an A. Why go through the pain of having your world destroyed if you’re going to “settle” anyway.

 

Do not be sorry for your opinions. I believe much of this to be very true, especially for my xMM's W. I have known the W for 12years and was close to her. I have heard her say "I don't know what I would do without him," she has not worked for years, one reason due to her medical condition, medications that make her hair fall out and weight gain, she is not financially independent, history of depression, two small children, and has low self esteem. Please do not misunderstand me, she loves him and has many wonderful qualities, she is a great person. I just believe these are her primary reasons for NOT kicking him out.

 

On the other hand, I have an attractive, professional female friend who is a BS. She kicked him out, told him, "I don't need you here nor do I need you take care of me." He was out for a few months, yet like many other MM, he begged and pleaded to come back home. All situations are different.

 

I am being very hypocritical with this statement, especially as a WS. But, if the tables were turned and my H had been unfaithful prior to my A, not sure if I would have been as forgiving. Do not prefer to be a single parent but I am fully capable of caring for myself and my children. I am attractive and strongly believe I can be loved by another.

[moaningmyrtle]

As a xMOW, I disagree!!!!! I stayed in my M for many reasons and my H and xMM both know why and my reasons are NOT lies.

 

1. I love my H, we are great friends and get along well, I owe my M a try.

2. Grew up in a very loving, two parent home and I would prefer we reconcile for our children.

3. My H and I have done very well financially, no debt, good investments, and in the process of great planning for retirement and our childrens' education. Interrupt this?

 

And there are other reasons. I do not understand why these reasons are most likely lies!

 

I think there are many reasons that a MM (or MW) might choose to stay with the BS after a d-day or affair and that love is just one of them. But love/passion/romance/intimacy are very important in relationships and without it, relationships struggle.

 

The thing is I think that a MM makes a comparison of all these factors between his BW and the OW. In other words it's not just being "in love" that counts, and even if a MM truly loves his OW he is still going to consider and weigh all these other factors with his OW and compare with his BW. Whatever comes out "on top" is what he actually does.

 

Naturally MM sometimes makes mistakes and choose the wrong woman in which case he might try to resume with the one he left (either BW or OW) or he may move on to yet another woman.

 

I feel it is a real mistake to look as this as the MM taking into account all these "other" factors (eg friendship, compatibility, wellbeing of the kids, how shared finances will work etc) in the decision to stay with the BW while virtually ignoring love/passion/intimacy with the BW (ie minimising his own emotional wellbeing); and at the same time thinking that this same man would take into account only his emotional wellbeing if he actually decides to stay with the OW.

 

I haven't expressed this very well at all. I'm trying to say that exactly the same factors are considered by the WS and that maybe love is not enough on its own but it is unlikely that it is completely ignored by the WS.

[Spoiled]

I think there are many reasons that a MM (or MW) might choose to stay with the BS after a d-day or affair and that love is just one of them. But love/passion/romance/intimacy are very important in relationships and without it, relationships struggle.

The thing is I think that a MM makes a comparison of all these factors between his BW and the OW. In other words it's not just being "in love" that counts, and even if a MM truly loves his OW he is still going to consider and weigh all these other factors with his OW and compare with his BW. Whatever comes out "on top" is what he actually does.

 

Naturally MM sometimes makes mistakes and choose the wrong woman in which case he might try to resume with the one he left (either BW or OW) or he may move on to yet another woman.

 

I feel it is a real mistake to look as this as the MM taking into account all these "other" factors (eg friendship, compatibility, wellbeing of the kids, how shared finances will work etc) in the decision to stay with the BW while virtually ignoring love/passion/intimacy with the BW (ie minimising his own emotional wellbeing); and at the same time thinking that this same man would take into account only his emotional wellbeing if he actually decides to stay with the OW.

 

I haven't expressed this very well at all. I'm trying to say that exactly the same factors are considered by the WS and that maybe love is not enough on its own but it is unlikely that it is completely ignored by the WS.

 

I agree, those factors are extremely important in relationships. A major reason many have affairs, those factors are missing.

 

I'm sorry, but during the time of my A, there was no passion and intimacy in my M. And if I had put these factors at the top of my list when considering whether or not to stay with my H, I would have left. Therefore, all of the other factors(kids, finances, etc) were my primary considerations. I had to focus on the positives to want to stay.

 

I desire passion, excitement, and intimacy in my relationship and striving to achieve this with my H. Like many other WS, at home for many reasons but struggling to regain passion.

[moaningmyrtle]

I agree, those factors are extremely important in relationships. A major reason many have affairs, those factors are missing.

 

I'm sorry, but during the time of my A, there was no passion and intimacy in my M. And if I had put these factors at the top of my list when considering whether or not to stay with my H, I would have left. Therefore, all of the other factors(kids, finances, etc) were my primary considerations. I had to focus on the positives to want to stay.

 

I desire passion, excitement, and intimacy in my relationship and striving to achieve this with my H. Like many other WS, at home for many reasons but struggling to regain passion.

 

I think we are probably agreeing but from different perspectives.

 

It looks to me that you are saying that although there was no passion/intimacy at the time of your affair you have acknowledged that you need it, and are striving to achieve it. Presumably this means that you consider it is achievable. This is exactly what I was saying that you did not completely ignore passion/intimacy as a factor in your decision.

 

Just out of interest what will you do if you decide that it is simply not possible? You may well decide that you chose wrongly or become vulnerable to another affair.

 

I wonder if women are more prone to giving up passion/intimacy for the sake of keeping the family together for the kids. I have noticed that tendency in myself more than my H. We were both in the same marriage so if he was lacking in passion/intimacy then so was I.

 

We are also striving to regain that in our marriage - so far we are succeeding. I have to say that had I not been aware of his affair then recovering the passion/intimacy would have been just so much more difficult; even though I would have not experienced the hurt in the same way. It served as a "boot up the bottom" for both of us.

 

I wish you the same success.

[reboot]

As a xMOW, I disagree!!!!! I stayed in my M for many reasons and my H and xMM both know why and my reasons are NOT lies.

 

1. I love my H, we are great friends and get along well, I owe my M a try.

2. Grew up in a very loving, two parent home and I would prefer we reconcile for our children.

3. My H and I have done very well financially, no debt, good investments, and in the process of great planning for retirement and our childrens' education. Interrupt this?

 

And there are other reasons. I do not understand why these reasons are most likely lies!

 

I was, as I pointed out in my original post, speaking strictly about men. I would never dare delve into the mind of a woman and try to understand why they do anything.

[Spoiled]

I think we are probably agreeing but from different perspectives.

 

It looks to me that you are saying that although there was no passion/intimacy at the time of your affair you have acknowledged that you need it, and are striving to achieve it. Presumably this means that you consider it is achievable. This is exactly what I was saying that you did not completely ignore passion/intimacy as a factor in your decision.

 

Just out of interest what will you do if you decide that it is simply not possible? You may well decide that you chose wrongly or become vulnerable to another affair.

I wonder if women are more prone to giving up passion/intimacy for the sake of keeping the family together for the kids. I have noticed that tendency in myself more than my H. We were both in the same marriage so if he was lacking in passion/intimacy then so was I.

 

We are also striving to regain that in our marriage - so far we are succeeding. I have to say that had I not been aware of his affair then recovering the passion/intimacy would have been just so much more difficult; even though I would have not experienced the hurt in the same way. It served as a "boot up the bottom" for both of us.

 

I wish you the same success.

 

It could be possible that women are more prone to giving up passion.

 

For me, I did not factor passion and intimacy for staying. I was positive that the intimacy shared with my xMM was not going to be attainable with my H. And I did not feel the initial intimacy we once shared in our marriage was achievable. Probably one reason I continued my A for several months after d-day. So again, all of the other factors were my primary reasons for staying.

 

Congrats to you for gaining success. My H also says we are succeeding and in some ways we are but not quite in the ways I would like. Giving it some more time but leaving may be my only option. I do not want to be in another A nor do I want to live 20 years in an unhappy marriage.

[moaningmyrtle]

It could be possible that women are more prone to giving up passion.

 

For me, I did not factor passion and intimacy for staying. I was positive that the intimacy shared with my xMM was not going to be attainable with my H. And I did not feel the initial intimacy we once shared in our marriage was achievable. Probably one reason I continued my A for several months after d-day. So again, all of the other factors were my primary reasons for staying.

 

Congrats to you for gaining success. My H also says we are succeeding and in some ways we are but not quite in the ways I would like. Giving it some more time but leaving may be my only option. I do not want to be in another A nor do I want to live 20 years in an unhappy marriage.

 

Oh I'm sad that you may have already decided you can't get back the passion/intimacy. I don't recall your story - does your H know of your A and that it continued past d-day? Surely if he knows and you are still together there must be some hope for you both. I don't suppose anybody would choose in an ideal situation (is that a contradiction?) to live in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

 

Anyway it's not like I think we have now achieved success and can sit back and relax. I am aware that having a good marriage is more like a journey or a process. I never want to go back to what it was before and neither does my H. We are both trying hard and at the moment it is working. I hope we don't founder again. If we get back to a marriage seriously lacking in passion/intimacy again and if it can't be fixed then I too will probably end it too as I don't want to be forever in an unhappy marriage. It will be a hard decision for me to make.

[White Flower]

I need to take issue with that - not because it might not apply in that particular case (on which I can't comment, not knowing enough), but because as it stands as a generalisation about ALL cases, it's incorrect.

 

My H had previously taken his xW back after a separation - she begged him to take her back, her life was falling apart, and the kids were really taking strain - against his better judgment. He didn't take her back because he loved her, he took her back because he felt sorry for her, and because he was worried about the kids. He was advised against doing so by everyone - but he thought he was doing his duty by doing so. Of course it all fell apart after that - because it wasn't based on love, but on pity.

I wholeheartedly agree. There are many reasons to stay with or take back a spouse. Many times love has nothing to do with it.

[on1wheel]

Then if you don't agree with him as to the fact that he was better than ur H then why cheat? I am confused. My wife cheated on me when we had a baby @ home

I can tell you that the baby was THE ONLY reason I agreed to try & make it work. I love my child more than I do myself; that is what being a parent is all about in my opinion.

I will never know why she really did it, as she has lied to me so many times. I got married & agreed to forsake ALL others, so I will never understand cheaters. They are the epitomy of selfishness. I would leave my wife if I ever felt that I absolutely had to

have sex with another woman. I can only assume that my wife believed that he was better than me in whatever way, but then realized the truth...a sex only relationship is always going to seem better than one based in real life; with real problems.

The sad thing is that she destroyed what we had & it can never be repaired. She is not who I thought she was, so the entire foundation of our relationship is gone. I will never fully trust her, will never fully be happy & will always be angry @ myself for not being strong enough to put my needs ahead of my childs...even though it was the right thing to do btw.

I hope she found whatever she (& all you cheaters) was looking for, as I lost everything that was pure in the marriage.

[silktricks]

Sorry, but I’ve always thought that the BW stays in a M, especially in a long-term A, because she has to. My immediate and honest thoughts are the BW stays because a) need the security b) pay check c) provider and parent for the children d) don't want to be alone. I always think “he must support her”, “she can’t make it on her own”, and “she can’t get anyone else”. That if a woman was financially independent and decent looking, she wouldn’t “settle” for a man who had betrayed her. Honestly, “love” never entered my mind because all I could think is how could you ever look at the WH in the same light again. How could you not always think about the A every time you see him? I just couldn’t imagine living in a situation where everything that I thought was real suddenly wasn’t. I guess I can’t imagine anyone else being able to unless they “had to”. It seems like the BW is “okaying” the A and the WH knows he has and can get away with it with little consequence. I think a lot of guys have A knowing that ultimately the BW will stay and “work” on the M. I guess that’s why I’ve held the position that if the BW isn’t going to leave the WH and vice versa, she shouldn’t be too concerned about an A. Why go through the pain of having your world destroyed if you’re going to “settle” anyway.

 

So. I've attempted to bold the items that struck me the hardest, and address them below.

 

I always think “he must support her”, “she can’t make it on her own”, and “she can’t get anyone else”. That if a woman was financially independent and decent looking, she wouldn’t “settle” for a man who had betrayed her.

 

I'm going to speak only of my own case, because it's the one I know best . Love was the reason I chose to stay and work on my marriage. I love/loved him. However, if I didn't think we could rebuild what we had, no matter how much I loved him, I wouldn't have stayed. I had to be able to trust him again, and though I thought I would be able to eventually, I didn't know if he'd be ABLE to put the amount of work into it that it would require - fortunately, he was, I was, and we are fine now.

 

I didn't "find out" - D-Day for me was the day HE TOLD ME about it. So, I had the basis of him wanting to be forgiven. He wasn't confused, or wishy-washy about which way HE wanted to go. I could/can easily support myself and our children are/were long gone - neither was a factor. You'll need to take my word for it that I am decent looking, but frankly, that wouldn't enter into it anyway. IMO a reason for either staying or leaving is never the fear of being alone, as I am quite happy in my own skin and enjoy life pretty much anytime, anywhere and with (or without) anyone.

 

The fact is that I knew that I made mistakes, too. I'm human, and have a lot of my own faults.

 

How could you not always think about the A every time you see him? I just couldn’t imagine living in a situation where everything that I thought was real suddenly wasn’t.

 

For the first - oh - 2 years, I couldn't. I obsessed constantly. It was very very difficult. The ONLY reason I hung in was because he showed me every single day how much he regretted what he had done. Now, though, I rarely think of what happened, and when I do it's just a distant unhappy thing that happened to some very unhappy people. It doesn't really have a thing to do with the couple that exists now.

 

It seems like the BW is “okaying” the A and the WH knows he has and can get away with it with little consequence. I think a lot of guys have A knowing that ultimately the BW will stay and “work” on the M. I guess that’s why I’ve held the position that if the BW isn’t going to leave the WH and vice versa, she shouldn’t be too concerned about an A. Why go through the pain of having your world destroyed if you’re going to “settle” anyway.

 

:lmao: I think you are assuming the WS is much more manipulative than I believe they normally are. I'm not talking serial cheaters - maybe they think exactly as you say, but I know that my husband thought I was going to leave him. And... what do you call "little consequence"? My husband went through sheer hell after the affair. I wasn't easy on him - and he wasn't easy on himself.

 

Also, I think you are assuming that a woman knows beforehand that she's going to forgive her husband if he has an affair. I don't know of any woman - ever - who has that thought. Most figure they'll drop kick him to the curb. It's after it happens, and they find out, that the opinions change - when reality sets in. If someone truly doesn't care if their spouse has another romantic relationship, then they are in a different type of relationship altogether than one I (personally) could be comfortable in.

[reboot]

The only thing I would add to what silk just said is, you can't possibly understand until you've been there....

[Spark1111]

I wholeheartedly agree. There are many reasons to stay with or take back a spouse. Many times love has nothing to do with it.

 

And I wholeheartedly pray that those situations lead to an eventual exit from the marriage.

 

To be in a marriage without passion and heat rekindled is serving a prison term, IMHO.

[Spark1111]

So. I've attempted to bold the items that struck me the hardest, and address them below.

 

I always think “he must support her”, “she can’t make it on her own”, and “she can’t get anyone else”. That if a woman was financially independent and decent looking, she wouldn’t “settle” for a man who had betrayed her.

 

I'm going to speak only of my own case, because it's the one I know best . Love was the reason I chose to stay and work on my marriage. I love/loved him. However, if I didn't think we could rebuild what we had, no matter how much I loved him, I wouldn't have stayed. I had to be able to trust him again, and though I thought I would be able to eventually, I didn't know if he'd be ABLE to put the amount of work into it that it would require - fortunately, he was, I was, and we are fine now.

 

I didn't "find out" - D-Day for me was the day HE TOLD ME about it. So, I had the basis of him wanting to be forgiven. He wasn't confused, or wishy-washy about which way HE wanted to go. I could/can easily support myself and our children are/were long gone - neither was a factor. You'll need to take my word for it that I am decent looking, but frankly, that wouldn't enter into it anyway. IMO a reason for either staying or leaving is never the fear of being alone, as I am quite happy in my own skin and enjoy life pretty much anytime, anywhere and with (or without) anyone.

 

The fact is that I knew that I made mistakes, too. I'm human, and have a lot of my own faults.

 

How could you not always think about the A every time you see him? I just couldn’t imagine living in a situation where everything that I thought was real suddenly wasn’t.

 

For the first - oh - 2 years, I couldn't. I obsessed constantly. It was very very difficult. The ONLY reason I hung in was because he showed me every single day how much he regretted what he had done. Now, though, I rarely think of what happened, and when I do it's just a distant unhappy thing that happened to some very unhappy people. It doesn't really have a thing to do with the couple that exists now.

 

It seems like the BW is “okaying” the A and the WH knows he has and can get away with it with little consequence. I think a lot of guys have A knowing that ultimately the BW will stay and “work” on the M. I guess that’s why I’ve held the position that if the BW isn’t going to leave the WH and vice versa, she shouldn’t be too concerned about an A. Why go through the pain of having your world destroyed if you’re going to “settle” anyway.

 

:lmao: I think you are assuming the WS is much more manipulative than I believe they normally are. I'm not talking serial cheaters - maybe they think exactly as you say, but I know that my husband thought I was going to leave him. And... what do you call "little consequence"? My husband went through sheer hell after the affair. I wasn't easy on him - and he wasn't easy on himself.

 

Also, I think you are assuming that a woman knows beforehand that she's going to forgive her husband if he has an affair. I don't know of any woman - ever - who has that thought. Most figure they'll drop kick him to the curb. It's after it happens, and they find out, that the opinions change - when reality sets in. If someone truly doesn't care if their spouse has another romantic relationship, then they are in a different type of relationship altogether than one I (personally) could be comfortable in.

 

Or, simplified: "To err is human; to forgive, divine."

 

- William Shakespeare

 

 

And I love him, and no one makes my pulse race and palms sweaty like he does.

[silktricks]

And I love him, and no one makes my pulse race and palms sweaty like he does.

Me too!!

[herenow]

I didn't read all the posts, so sorry f I'm redundant here.

 

I think that relationships are very complex and there is no one reason they work or don't work.

 

To say that a MM is settling when he decides to stay married discounts the marriage for the person who says it. I can imagine that an OW who falls in love with a MM would find it hurtful to believe that the MM really loves his wife. It makes it easier to think that he would rather be with her (the OW), but he chooses his wife for reasons other than love.

 

IMO, he chooses his wife because that is what he wants to do for whatever reason. MM who have affairs do what they want to do. If they wanted to be with the OW, they would be. To say that a MM all of a sudden becomes selfless and stays married out of obligation or for the sake of others is ridiculous IMO. If a MM was so concerned about the well being of his kids or financial security, he wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

 

IMO, a MM needs to figure out his own issues and why he choose to have a affair before he can truly love anyone, including himself. I don't think a MM having an affair loves either woman. A MM will leave his wife if he loves an OW. I would imagine that is the cause for many divorces.