Attn: Cheating Husbands

[HurtinginVA]

Though the headline may make it seem like Im about to bash you, Im not Just some questions.

 

Previous posts tell my story(hubby cheated, now is still here to work on marriage). My husband said something to me yesterday that has me a bit puzzled and wondering what I should do or what I CAN do. He asked me how I could forgive him for cheating, because he cant forgive himself. I didnt know what to say, or do.

 

I guess this question only applies to the guys who have cheated and are still married. He says that sometimes the thought crosses his mind of calling his "fling" because of the excitement, even though he hasnt (or so he says) He says that he's trying very hard to move past that and on with our life together but he feels horribly guilty for what he did to me, yadda yadda yadda.

 

Words of wisdom, advice, etc more than welcome

[Tony T]

Your husband is a jerk for putting this kind of line on you. He is the one who cheated and he alone should shoulder the resultant burdens he may place upon himself as a result. Frankly, I think he's full of crap. He freely participated in an act of betrayal with full knowledge of the consequences. If he knew he couldn't live with the guilt afterwards, he shouldn't have done it. That's the kind of thing guilt is meant to prevent.

 

I think your husband is spouting off this crap at you for dramatics. Tell him to drop it and go see a counsellor or a member of the clergy for professional guidance. He is the one who did this, you have forgiven him, and you no longer need to be the victim of his past betrayal. You don't need to be going out into the world seeking help for his sorry butt. If he's really got this problem, which I personally doubt, then seeing a professional is the best route to take. Another would be to be more discrete in taking his pecker out of his pocket.

[bark]

He asked me how I could forgive him for cheating, because he cant forgive himself. I didnt know what to say, or do.

 

That's an odd thing to say to you. Did he confess to you about his affair under cover of asking for absolution?

 

I would tell him that you're not in the business of providing absolution and he should speak to his priest, rabbi, etc.

 

Tell him hat you are very interested is getting your marriage upright, again. And that requires much greater effort than a mere confession.

 

Simply put, tell him he must earn your forgiveness through his changed behavior, and you don't want to hear any more confessions or pleas for absolution. That's too easy. There is hard work to be done.

 

Tell him to stop groveling and start acting like the good husband he once was.

[will_woman]

HurtinginVa, I think it's worth to ponder over the question asked by your husband.

My opinions are he may be on the verge on having another affair. He is not sure of what he wants to do. He is trying to get some re-assurances.

I am recalling from my experience. Before my husband disclose his affair, similar thing happened to me too. But the question asked was different. It was "What can you do if I have another woman?" I was also striked dumb by him too. I really cannot think of what to do....do not know how to answer him.

What made worse is we were in the restaurant at that time. There is another couple on the next table whom I suspected to be comitted adultery too. The man was smiling at me. Now, then I realised that he was actually laughing at me...he must have seen my husband with his mistress. I really felt like a fool then.

 

After the truth is out, my husband even said to me "I am unfaithful to you. what can you do?"

I really think you should spend some serious thoughts over your marriage.

[mjk]

So much has been said on this subject. Me, being the one who was cheated on, had to decide what to do.

 

We aren't together anymore.

 

Think of it this way. When you reach the point of being able to forgive him, and you do, it doesn't mean that you have to forget it.

 

I have given complete forgiveness. Why? Because it hurt my heart not to. Open your heart to the idea of forgiveness when you are able to and release the burden that is upon you.

 

You can never stop him from another affair, just know in your heart it could be possible.

[Skittles]

HurtinginVa, I think it's worth to ponder over the question asked by your husband.

My opinions are he may be on the verge on having another affair. He is not sure of what he wants to do. He is trying to get some re-assurances.

 

Hurting, I hate to say this but I think will-woman may be onto something....

 

"How could I( you) forgive him for cheating because he can't forgive himself."?...hmm

 

I agree with Tony that this isn't for him to dump on you...but wondering, if we take it one step further, that will-woman might be picking something else up on radar..

 

If he is sincere about moving forward then I am wondering why is he bringing the fact that he had an affair and the issue of forgiveness...or that question up for review? Some folks might say, well give the guy a chance, he is really feeling guilty about what he did....

 

But his statement to you begs the question ..Is your husband a feeling- guilty- kind- of-guy after the fact, because he wasn't feeling guilty when he made the conscious decision to step out on you....or as will-w. said he might be pondering what happened, true, but also calculating the risks involved in seeing the ow again....He is not sure of what he wants to do.

 

Just a thought...don't mean to be a buzz killer....just pay attention to what he does...

 

 

 

Take care of yourself!

[AllyKat]

Your husband and you need to go into couseling. People dont cheat for no reason. If it was the excitement..whats to stop him from doing it again?

[hurtinrealbad]

I can relate to what your husband said to you because I have done some things to my wife that I can't forgive myself for and I honestly don't know if I ever can. I had a one night stand with another woman and I was into drugs and alcohol at the same time. Definitely not an excuse for anything, however I was miserable then and I am miserable now. My wife says she forgives me and I find that extremely odd. I guess because if the situation were reversed, I don't think I could forgive her and I guess maybe that's why I can't forgive myself for doing those things.

 

You husband may truly be sorry and feel exactly the way I do. It is a helpless feeling when you do something wrong, admit it to your wife, she forgives you and the guilt you have is so immense that you can hardly go on with your day-to-day chores.

 

Tony, I can understand your thoughts on this subject, but let me assure you that not all cases are that cut and dry. Just because somebody has forgiven you for something wrong you have done does not mean that it can just be forgotten. Both sides get hurt in a situation like this. Obviously in this case and my case, it was the wives who were initially hurt by the act of cheating itself. Let me just assure you that I am hurting today just as much as yesterday and as much as I will be tomorrow. It is easy to just say forget it and move on, but it is not easy to do. The difference between a husband who cheats and truly doesn't care and one who does is the one who cares admits he was wrong, asks for forgiveness and grieves for his own wrong-doings. That process may take a very long time for some people, others it may not. A husband who doesn't care and who doesn't love his wife will not ask for forgiveness and has absolutely no guilt whatsoever because in his mind what he did was justified in some way.

 

I am certainly not condoning the act of cheating, but I do think that it is possible to say what your husband has told you and mean it. Sometimes, it takes such a traumatic event in both partners lives to realize what they have or in most cases what they've lost. Forgiving someone for things like I did is truly an act of selflessness. I told my wife how much I admired and respected her for even saying she forgave me because forgiveness in itself is a very difficult thing to do.

 

My advice to you would be to establish and determine whether or not he is serious. If he is, you should begin to see him try to "show" you how sorry he is. He may do things that he never did before, say things he never said before, etc. True some people may say that's crap, but look at it this way... If he really didn't care, then why didn't he continue seeing the other woman? Why didn't he just leave you? Why would he waste his time seeking your forgiveness and trying to show you how serious he is?? That is a lot of committment for a man and my opinion is that we wouldn't waste our time if we weren't serious. He's already proved that he can still go out in the world and meet other women, so if he wasn't truthful, why waste his time????? If he doesn't do anything, then that would tell me that he was full of crap in what he said, because he isn't showing it. When you have that much guilt to carry around, you begin to get rid of it by showing others how sorry you are and by changing as a person. If that doesn't happen, I would definitely be skeptical because he may have alterior motives, like wanting his cake and eating it too.

 

Not an easy situation for either of you, but all you and he can hope for is that if it does work out between both of you that you will both be stronger individuals who will in turn make a stronger couple. Good luck and let us know how you make out...

 

- hrb

[moimeme]

I guess because if the situation were reversed, I don't think I could forgive her and I guess maybe that's why I can't forgive myself for doing those things.

 

Precisely. We've had other posters on here who said the same things about not forgiving themselves - interestingly, mostly women. Also, interestingly, everyone leaped to assure these people that they should forgive themselves. There seems to be a lot of cynicism when it's a man in this situation.

 

At heart of someone's failure to understand another's actions is usually the fact that the person cannot imagine him or herself acting similarly in similar situations. If you are the sort to be completely unforgiving of adultery, you can't imagine how someone would forgive you. This guy would probably dump his wife in a flash if she cheated so he honestly does not understand why she hasn't.

 

If it were me, I'd take this remorse as a sign of hope that he's finally awakened to the amount of pain he can cause and that his own suffering about the issue will be sufficient to prevent him from ever doing it again. In the Catholic church, you are considered to have repented if you never, ever, commit that sin again. Sometimes only guilt will accomplish that.