hurtinrealbad Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 Given the current situation I am in with my wife (moving out January 1st with my 4 y/o son) because of my own selfishness, stupidity and neglectfullness of her; I have been drowning in my own self pity, guilt, and depression. I have, however, learned a great deal about myself and about what I need to do to maintain a healthy relationship. Hope is not lost, she told me she "needs her own space" to figure out how she feels about me. Yeah, that expression can be interpreted both ways - "I'm interested in somebody else, I don't want to hurt you so I'm moving out so I can be with him without you knowing about it, then I can ask for a divorce later" OR it can simply mean she's confused, angry, hurt, and upset with and she needs to reevaluate her feelings for me since I have driven them away over the last three years. With that said, I have thought of something that may be of an interesting topic on this board. As parents, a mother and father would never turn their backs on a son or daughter, no matter what they have done. Why then are husband and wife so willing to separate from or divorce one another???? Afterall, it took husband and wife to create the child. Yes the love is different, but shouldn't it be the same and shouldn't the same dedication and committment be the same?????? **Of course, as with all things, there are always exceptions to the above. - hrb Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 It should be, but unfortunately as the love for a child is uncondional, its not with a spouse. Read some of the threads, men and and women in love with a married person. People hitting one another. You can only put up with so much. I think if she is moving out for space, I think she just needs to grow as a person. Some reason, you had said you neglected her, this has affected her!! She needs some time. Give it to her. It would be lovely if people stayed together, it doesnt always work that way. Why stay with the husband who hits you? Or the wife who has cheated? Some get couseling and grow from it, others can deal with it. And that is okay. Im sorry she is leaving, just be there for your son and for her as much as she allows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtinrealbad Posted December 26, 2003 Author Share Posted December 26, 2003 I know it, it's sad isn't it. When we as parents spank our children because they have done something wrong, yes they cry and may even get mad, but 10 minutes later they come back to us and show the same love and affection that they always have. I've asked my son before if he was mad at me because I spanked him and he looked at me and said "no." That's something that adults seem to lose as they grow up, therfore that's why adults hurt one another so much. Sometimes I wonder who the children really are, adults???? Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 As parents, a mother and father would never turn their backs on a son or daughter, no matter what they have done. Why then are husband and wife so willing to separate from or divorce one another???? Afterall, it took husband and wife to create the child. Yes the love is different, but shouldn't it be the same and shouldn't the same dedication and committment be the same?????? Sorry to hear about your situation HRB. I don't have kids of my own, but have lots of friends and family members who do...and I watch and pick their brains about the whole family thing. In a perfect world, it should be that way, but we obviously live on planet earth....Sounds like you hurt your wife and your marriage and she needs time away or may even want to end the union....You and your wife will always love your children, no matter what, but as lovers, who you both were to each other once, you are no more..... Some folks do stay together despite indiscretions for the sake of the children...I do not know if that is a good thing for the children or not.. Make no mistake, children are aware of their parents marriage, good, bad or indifferent..and anyone who thinks otherwise might be shortchanging their kids... Imo, very few kids grow up in an unhappy home and are unaffected by it... However, I am no authority on whether or not a split will ruin children for life, I am sure our LS scholars will bring info on studies done on this topic to light.... In answer to your question...shouldn't the dedication and commitment(to the children) be the same? Well imo, yes....and it should be...(i avoid the word should like the plague) and probably will be...but maybe NOT with you and your wife as parents living under the same roof.... Good luck with picking up the pieces.... Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 know it, it's sad isn't it. When we as parents spank our children because they have done something wrong, yes they cry and may even get mad, but 10 minutes later they come back to us and show the same love and affection that they always have. P.S. UNconditonal LOVE.......it's the best.....! I wish I had it!........hmm..... maybe I will get a puppy out of the pound today.... Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 I think its because our society is really messed up and doesnt place enough value on relationships. So, we think because we have a problem in a relationship that we "can do better" as in "Oh he/she does this, isnt that stupid, I'm leaving them" Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 As parents, a mother and father would never turn their backs on a son or daughter, no matter what they have done. Why then are husband and wife so willing to separate from or divorce one another???? Afterall, it took husband and wife to create the child. Yes the love is different, but shouldn't it be the same and shouldn't the same dedication and committment be the same?????? Because people understand that children have not developed the capacity to comprehend the effects of their actions sufficiently to be able to be fully held responsible for them. Because even when children grow up, parents still see them as younger and more lacking in experience so they can still forgive. Adults are expected to understand the consequences of their behaviour. If, time and again, they do things which cause pain to their spouses, eventually they kill off the feelings of love the spouse has developed for them. It tends to be the people who continually hurt others who wish they could have unconditonal love; essentially license to continue causing pain without having to deal with the consequences that creates. In your case, you mistreated your wife to the point that she cannot contemplate living with you any more. A lot of women take a LOT of garbage before they make that choice because they do believe in working on relationships. However, no human who wants to live a successful life can stand being mistreated for a very long time. Eventually, it crushes your spirit. People who want to have loving spouses need to educate themselves about being loving spouses rather than just hoping they can behave as horridly as they wish and demanding forgiveness and 'unconditional love'. That in itself is childish behaviour. Become a man worth loving and you will get the love you want. Make no mistake; you can earn the kind of unconditional love that means you'll still be loved if you put on some weight or lose your job or go bankrupt; but it NEVER means that you can hurt someone again and again and expect them to continue to love you. Link to post Share on other sites
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