All the apologies from him. Why so sorry now!

[hoping2heal]

Hi everyone

Not doin so well today. I have posted on other threads, but today I think I might need some help!

Five years on, numerous destructions of our relationship, last episode by him led him to slap me and choke me and spent a whole day telling me to get the f&%$ out of his house! He always uses this, it is in his name and he uses it as the power over me.

Anyway, he is texting me and saying how sorry he is, how he will go back to counselling. He is reading a book Anger Management/Controlling Anger. Says he knows where his anger is coming from and so sorry for taking it out on me.

Now he is accusing me of failing "us" by not continuing to ride through "our problems" and have an "everlasting life of happiness".

I just cannot do it again! I have loved this guy and there were good times, but twice in one month (Dec) I was told to get out mole etc. And then the last violent outburst from him.

I keep telling him that I am unable to cope and cannot return to the relationship. I have actually moved interstate (which he does not know) and am still waiting to find a place so I can move my things to. Hence, I have not changed phone number yet.

It just does my head in, why do they only have these "revelations" once you have left them? Its just bizarre.

Why do they do this?

Thanks M:confused:

 

In most cases they don't have revelations at all. Most of the time it is manipulation, plain&simple. It is pushing buttons until they find one that works. If a man was trully sorry for abusing you? He wouldn't even contact you. He would stay away from you and let you heal while he worked on himself. The thing is, when a woman has been beaten down by someone she attatched feelings of love too- she is so fragile and so very vulnerable. That all it takes many times - is hearing those words she is willing to accept because her mind is now a mess. Because her trust and sense of stability are ruined. She is off kilter and when she sees those tears, hears that begging, hears those promises - it is often what works and that's why abusers use it. Abusers are very manipulative and controlling people.

[Angel1111]

Well he is now seeing the psychologist and expressing great concerns for a better future etc. He is actually trying to see if I will also take part in this questionaire called "Life traps" that she has set. He will be seeing her fortnightly. More confirmations that he would move to Sydney to reconcile etc. Desperately wants to change. The only glitch is... he is trying to get me "on board", to say that I "will" reconcile. I have told him that he needs to do this counselling for himself. My question is, if he was to put in a massive effort and change, what then?

 

Just the sheer fact that he's pressuring you should tell you something. It doesn't matter how nice he's being about it, you're feeling pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with. Nothing has changed with him except that he doesn't have you to bully around and he's feeling really sad about that. Once you're back in his life, the same pattern will repeat itself. Please do not agree to anything about reconciling with this man. And don't let the psychologist fool you either - most of them are completely clueless when it comes to dealing with abusive personalities. Please listen to what the others have said to you - these men don't change.