All the apologies from him. Why so sorry now!

[melindasian]

Hi everyone

Not doin so well today. I have posted on other threads, but today I think I might need some help!

Five years on, numerous destructions of our relationship, last episode by him led him to slap me and choke me and spent a whole day telling me to get the f&%$ out of his house! He always uses this, it is in his name and he uses it as the power over me.

Anyway, he is texting me and saying how sorry he is, how he will go back to counselling. He is reading a book Anger Management/Controlling Anger. Says he knows where his anger is coming from and so sorry for taking it out on me.

Now he is accusing me of failing "us" by not continuing to ride through "our problems" and have an "everlasting life of happiness".

I just cannot do it again! I have loved this guy and there were good times, but twice in one month (Dec) I was told to get out mole etc. And then the last violent outburst from him.

I keep telling him that I am unable to cope and cannot return to the relationship. I have actually moved interstate (which he does not know) and am still waiting to find a place so I can move my things to. Hence, I have not changed phone number yet.

It just does my head in, why do they only have these "revelations" once you have left them? Its just bizarre.

Why do they do this?

Thanks M:confused:

[Jade 02]

Yep sounds like a type I would have,and had,I know its so hard to leave because you love him,but for your own sanity,I think you know what you should do,might even be good(more exspensive but you can get a roomie)

for you to just move out anyways,and try a relationship with him that way.

 

But I don't know that beating,and choking he will never stop that,he needs constant counceling for that in my opinion.

 

i'm sorry he throws ya around like a rag doll, and call you names you don't deserve. get out get you together,then get a good guy.

 

I am new at starting to have good in my marraige as we started church,and AA,as booze was destroying us too,now I NEVER EVER BEEN THIS HAPPY IN MY WHOLE LIFE,and I have a long way to go.

 

Talk to your mom or best friend decide whats best for you. YOU know the same ole $h*t will happen if you stay.

 

best wishes I know its hard especially after 5 years

[dazzle22]

This guy's abusive tendencies are deeply engrained in his personality like threads in a rug. Likely "woven" into him from an abusive childhood. This will be an ongoing pattern of abuse and apology, over and over.

 

It is like a tiger that has become a "man eater". Once they have crossed the line and "tasted" human blood, they can never be trusted again. Or another way, why would you want to take the chance for yourself? You already are sensing what to do. Just do it.

[tigereyes1428]

they do it because they never need to take control of their actions - the first time you allow someone to do this to you then accept it you set a precedence that you will accept that - you need to move on, please for your own sake

[melindasian]

Many thanks for all the replies - they all came at once! Yes I will certainly be getting my phone number changed. As soon as I get my possessions out of the house. I have moved interstate and for him that is a 9 hour drive away! He does not know this, so until I can retrieve my items, I am going to have to play the game. Then once thats done I can cut him off and heal. I just got another long winded text about how he will love me forever - just as much as his kids - and he will wait for me to see the error in my ways. Its damn hysterical. If he truly loved me - how come he has spent such a great deal of energy in getting me to leave over trivial things. He has said every time he "knows" he has a problem and is "willing" to work on it. Thing is, he says this every time and even after counselling (six weeks!) he returned to his true self.

I appreciate your time. If you have any other insights into this behaviour I would truly welcome them. Cheers, M.

[sugarmomma]

M, I'm so sorry you have gone through something like this. The focus of my response will be on you not him since he is clearly a troubled individual. You have to get some abuse counseling for yourself to find out why you have stayed with an abuser and how to avoid one in the future.

 

Because I didn't educate myself and get abuse counseling i met another abuser 14 years after leaving the first one. I thought I was done and would never find myself being assaulted. Well it was because I didn't learn how to spot an abusive man and create and enforce firm boundaries with them. Learn as much as you can about healing from abuse and how to identify these people a mile away.

 

I would suggest that you not continue a r with him since it will only get worse. If you go back he will say to himself "I must not be that bad, she came back" or "She must be okay with it since she is still around".

 

Give yourself to recover from this and also google 'traumatic bonding'. It helped to put a lot of my issues in perspective.

 

PM me anytime and know that you don't have to go through this alone.

[PinkToes]

Good for you for getting away. That's an extremely difficult thing to do, especially after 5 years and when he keeps promising to change. But the promises aren't real. He's just feeling especially threatened now because he knows he is losing you. He will tell you anything & everything he thinks will get you to come back.

 

That's why he is soooooo sorry now, and it will NEVER happen again, and would you PLEASE just give him another chance, and he is sooooooo sorry. It's all about control, and he's losing that.

 

And the thing about anger management is nonsense. Most abusers don't have an anger problem; they can be perfectly charming when it suits them. They can turn it on and off at will. So that's another empty promise.

 

I am so proud of you for getting out. Keep walking away and don't let anything he says get to you. Be prepared that he will likely pull out all the stops to keep you, so don't listen to a word of it. Stay strong!

[melindasian]

Okay... I have a removal van booked and a list given to both him and the removal van (coz I will not be there - that he does not know yet - as I live 9 hours away now). Van people know it is domestic violence situation and never to disclose to where the goods are going. But get this... he is now offering me his assistance in moving my things in to my new place. Coz he considers me a "best friend" a "friend who knows you more than anyone". I never replied. I just told him that the truck will be coming in a previous text. It seems he has been very compliant. It seems he has already moved my belongings around so that they can be easily accessed (as his email states). Oh how helpful!

What do you girls think please?

 

Ta M.

[PinkToes]

Absolutely not! You need to cut off all contact 100%. I'm not at all surprised at what he's doing, he will stop at nothing to keep you around. Please don't fall for any of it. Get your stuff, and DO NOT let him know where you are. I work with DV survivors, and this is very typical behavior when someone tries to make a break.

[jmjlove]

Hi everyone

Not doin so well today. I have posted on other threads, but today I think I might need some help!

Five years on, numerous destructions of our relationship, last episode by him led him to slap me and choke me and spent a whole day telling me to get the f&%$ out of his house! He always uses this, it is in his name and he uses it as the power over me.

Anyway, he is texting me and saying how sorry he is, how he will go back to counselling. He is reading a book Anger Management/Controlling Anger. Says he knows where his anger is coming from and so sorry for taking it out on me.

Now he is accusing me of failing "us" by not continuing to ride through "our problems" and have an "everlasting life of happiness".

I just cannot do it again! I have loved this guy and there were good times, but twice in one month (Dec) I was told to get out mole etc. And then the last violent outburst from him.

I keep telling him that I am unable to cope and cannot return to the relationship. I have actually moved interstate (which he does not know) and am still waiting to find a place so I can move my things to. Hence, I have not changed phone number yet.

It just does my head in, why do they only have these "revelations" once you have left them? Its just bizarre.

Why do they do this?

Thanks M:confused:

im sorry you are going through this but for your own sanity you need to stay away, i have not long been out of a destructive and abusive relationship which resulted in my ex being imprisoned for 2 yrs, its hard when you love someone and you feel your the person who can save them, but the only one who can do that is themselves

[jmjlove]

Absolutely not! You need to cut off all contact 100%. I'm not at all surprised at what he's doing, he will stop at nothing to keep you around. Please don't fall for any of it. Get your stuff, and DO NOT let him know where you are. I work with DV survivors, and this is very typical behavior when someone tries to make a break.

I agree with you pinktoes, He seems to know all the tricks in the book, if he knows where you live he will not leave you alone, and things could get far more serious.

[Angel1111]

It's not a revelation - it's a last-ditch attempt to get you back. I swear, these guys must work from the same script. They all do and say the same things. The only answer I'd give him is, "Great, I'm happy about your new-found awareness. Good luck with that. Have a nice life."

[bentnotbroken]

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT have your things delivered directly to you. He will follow that van or have someone do it for him. There has to be another way for you to get your things.

[melindasian]

Thanks everyone! My removal van is going interstate, so that would be one long drive for him to follow it (9 hours away) LOL!

I deleted him off Facebook and immediately had a friend request returned to me with a note saying "why do you hate me so much?"

 

I have been to three different counsellors with him. Every time he would suggest that we did not need to go anymore. The last destruction/separation I insisted he seek counselling for himself. Of course he went and six weeks later did not need to anymore! So I cannot imagine some book is going to change him. Its like the fog has been lifted and I do not understand why I did not see this about three years ago perhaps. He DOES know what to say and this always convinced me that it would happen ie. a loving relationship free of anger. The same old patterns... love you, you irritate me, I hate you, you must leave... I love you etc! I just knew my life would be yuck by staying. I have one good day and feel really positive, and like today, I feel weak and unsure about my future.

 

I must say though everything is falling into place. Home, job, just need to wait to get my daughter into a school and that will happen next week. I am surrounded by a lot of great girlfriends now, who have heard me on the phone crying over this guy. Now that I have left, I remember ALL the times that this happened. All the things thrown at me, the verbal abuse, the put downs and how living with him has made me feel like a very incompetent person. He even used to have a go at me for how I put the washing on the line! Its ridiculous to say the least!

 

I have read different information which also states the GOOD TIMES are a form of abuse. I just thought that meant he was not irritated at that time. Does it really mean that EVERYTHING was just a facade?

[Angel1111]

He even used to have a go at me for how I put the washing on the line! Its ridiculous to say the least!

 

I have read different information which also states the GOOD TIMES are a form of abuse. I just thought that meant he was not irritated at that time. Does it really mean that EVERYTHING was just a facade?

 

My ex used to get angry about how I sliced butter.

 

Abusive people are the most ridiculous people in the world. They should all be in cages.

 

The statement about even the good times being a part of the abuse means that everything they do is a part of the abuse cycle - good, bad, good, bad, bad, bad, etc. Even when things appear nice, you live a life of walking on eggshells because you know the good times are superficial and can come down around your ears in a heartbeat, blindsiding you yet again with his anger. You've done yourself and your daughter a huge favor by getting away from this guy. Don't ever look back.

[melindasian]

Thank you ladies! Thank god for a forum like this. I HAVE been on here in an observatory sense, since I thought something was not right. I believe, I am NOW doing right by my little daughter. To think I may have swayed her beliefs in what kind of relationship to seek! Oh god! She is only 8.

I have one real joy this last two weeks (since I have not been with him) and that is, he is not governing how I discipline my daughter. She is actually very polite, but likes to talk, especially at dinner time, since I don't see her all day due to work. But of course, he does not like her to speak coz he is watching TV. I have a new found relationship with her, and so does her biological father, now that we are in the same city. A lot of + so far. I think I may be over time on the road to recovery! But am sure you may see a few cries for help yet! Mx

[Angel1111]

Yeah, it's a process while you disentangle him from your life and disempower those hardwired chemicals in your brain. But you'll get there - probably sooner than you think.

 

By leaving this numbskull, you just took one huge leap in telling your daughter many positive things: do not stay with people who treat you badly, do not get involved with men like this, you have choices and you should exercise those choices, I love you and myself too much to stay with someone who doesn't appreciate us, I have too much respect for myself to stay here and you should always respect yourself too. The list goes on. And not a word was spoken.

[sugarmomma]

Yeah, it's a process while you disentangle him from your life and disempower those hardwired chemicals in your brain. But you'll get there - probably sooner than you think.

 

By leaving this numbskull, you just took one huge leap in telling your daughter many positive things: do not stay with people who treat you badly, do not get involved with men like this, you have choices and you should exercise those choices, I love you and myself too much to stay with someone who doesn't appreciate us, I have too much respect for myself to stay here and you should always respect yourself too. The list goes on. And not a word was spoken.

 

So true since children do what we do more than what we say. You are on the road to recovering from this abusive relationship. Work on yourself so that you don't experience repeat performances wit these sick azz men.

[sugarmomma]

Abusive people are the most ridiculous people in the world. They should all be in cages.

 

 

 

So true since they wreak havoc in the lives of everyone they meet.

[Jeff1962]

You deserve respect and you deserve to feel safe, secure and not be abused by your spouse. You need to get the hell out of there.

 

I don't care what has transpired in any relationship, you do not deserve to be abused. Understand this; you may have triggered emotions that caused this abuse but this is not your fault. This is your husbands problem. He needs counseling not a book. Intensive counseling. Ask yourself this question; can you trust him again with your life?

 

Placing yourself into the mind of an abusive person is very difficult. More so on the imposible side. Some cannot be reached, others can, some made a mistake and can change but very few change without help.

 

Distance yourself. Press charges. Be very careful.

[ssuzanness]

MELINDASIAN you are doing great!!! it's so so hard...but you are truely amazing and strong...indirectly you are helping me too!!....just about all of you have seen my posts.....i am hanging in there.....not totally nc..but getting better...reading these posts help SO much....i too would get yelled at for doing laundry "wrong".

[PinkToes]

MELINDASIAN you are doing great!!! it's so so hard...but you are truely amazing and strong...indirectly you are helping me too!!....just about all of you have seen my posts.....i am hanging in there.....not totally nc..but getting better...reading these posts help SO much....i too would get yelled at for doing laundry "wrong".

 

Hugs to you, too. You'll get there!

[melindasian]

Well it has been very busy! Job good, daughter is in school and has already been to two birthday parties. Our apartment is lovely and has great views of Sydney! I have never been this busy, to the point I only spent time at home this weekend. But of course my ex husband now knows I am interstate. Not my address. He says he is doing anything and everything to work on himself and rid himself of his anger. He said he would evenmove to Syd to live. BUT I have now met another man. I have known him through friends since I arrived. Have been on 4 dates all great. He has good family background. Has a son who will be coming to live with him permantly next year at 14 hrs. Funny thing I can say is that I HAVE been used to the previous type of personality wanting to move quickly. I know this guy likes me a lot. But coz of my history I wonder coz he is not the same as the past one. Current man even said he liked me coz I was strong and independant! Last one NEVER wanted me to be anything like that. Query is how to remain slow and not rush stuff coz that ishow it has been for so long???

[Angel1111]

Well it has been very busy! Job good, daughter is in school and has already been to two birthday parties. Our apartment is lovely and has great views of Sydney! I have never been this busy, to the point I only spent time at home this weekend. But of course my ex husband now knows I am interstate. Not my address. He says he is doing anything and everything to work on himself and rid himself of his anger. He said he would evenmove to Syd to live. BUT I have now met another man. I have known him through friends since I arrived. Have been on 4 dates all great. He has good family background. Has a son who will be coming to live with him permantly next year at 14 hrs. Funny thing I can say is that I HAVE been used to the previous type of personality wanting to move quickly. I know this guy likes me a lot. But coz of my history I wonder coz he is not the same as the past one. Current man even said he liked me coz I was strong and independant! Last one NEVER wanted me to be anything like that. Query is how to remain slow and not rush stuff coz that ishow it has been for so long???

 

Thanks for the update. That's really great that you're enjoying your new life. Just one thing - it shouldn't matter if you're with a new guy or not. You don't need to be with an abusive man. I don't care what he tells you about the changes he wants to make or is making; don't listen to it. He may sincerely want to change but he never will. Deep down, that monster is alive and well. Yes, just take it slow with the new guy. Learn about who he is, what his character is, before letting yourself get emotionally involved. Good luck!

[melindasian]

Well he is now seeing the psychologist and expressing great concerns for a better future etc. He is actually trying to see if I will also take part in this questionaire called "Life traps" that she has set. He will be seeing her fortnightly. More confirmations that he would move to Sydney to reconcile etc. Desperately wants to change. The only glitch is... he is trying to get me "on board", to say that I "will" reconcile. I have told him that he needs to do this counselling for himself. My question is, if he was to put in a massive effort and change, what then?