Give it time while I do my own thing? hoping to work things out

[rose45]

looks like no call tonight either

[XKatieX]

Rose, you really need to give him space like everyone else here is saying. Calling him, then texting him, then emailing him all at different times is too much.

 

He has said right now he wants to put things on hold with some time apart, you should respect that. When you do, I guarantee you he will come around. If you continue to smother him, it will push him away.

 

Please dont make that mistake.

 

In the mean time, get out with friends and keep doing your own thing

Edited March 10, 2010 by XKatieX

[Chi NZ]

Rose, you really need to give him space like everyone else here is saying. Calling him, then texting him, then emailing him all at different times is too much.

 

He has said right now he wants to put things on hold with some time apart, you should respect that. When you do, I guarantee you he will come around. If you continue to smother him, it will push him away.

 

Please dont make that mistake.

 

In the mean time, get out with friends and keep doing your own thing

 

This!.

 

Rose45, as I am in now way an expert, However I do know what he is asking.

 

Give him space, let him think/ponder, he will see the light.

 

Work on yourself in this time, have fun with friends, get out and learn to live by yourself, make yourself "stronger, better, faster" just like the Daft Punk lyrics say.

 

If you do both, no matter what happens, you will be okay, you will cope.

 

He is obviously thinking about the fact, let him do it how he does.

[rose45]

thank you for replying

 

i just hope he isn't blowing me off..i asked alot of questions two conversations ago such as so we aren't going to talk as much?..and he made it seem like we were still going to and he wasnt asking for us not to talk..thats why i guess i found it a little confusing that we haven't spoke in almost 2 months.

 

I do hope you are right and its time that he needs. Was it wrong to leave a nice voicemail to see how he was? I haven't done anything else and i don't think even in the months we spoke i was calling too much..he even said i don't think we spoke alot.

 

well hopefully i didn't make things worse although i don't really know how i did, its been some time without talking

 

hoping he calls thanks again..please respond with your thoughts if u have any more..greatly appreciated

[rose45]

i really miss him alot miss talking to him and being around him and its like i did something so wrong again...

[rose45]

i wish i knew if he was just blowing me off or not..i don't want to do the waiting thing to see if he is or not you know? i just miss him...i dont understand why tell me all of that if he didn't mean it...he said put it on hold, he doesn't want a relationship right now and has to square other things away first, he isn't ready to say no don't talk to me etc etc...i understand the things he is going through and don't mind that but now its been a few days and still no response..i called monday night..(unless he didn't get the vmail which is probably just a paranoid way of thinking)

 

i have been doing my best to keep busy, been trying to date different people..but i am really not that interested.

[rose45]

i feel really sad..i have been keeping busy, seeing friends, i have gone on a lot of dates with different guys and nothing has come of it and nothing compares to him(i have honestly tried..either there wasn't attraction or they really weren't my type to date, i wasn't interested)...just makes me feel sad on nights like these missing what him and i used to be doing

[XKatieX]

Hey Rose, I wanted to tell you..don't feel like you have to date, its good that you're hanging out with friends though.

 

The only way you're ever going to know what happens is if you give it time, but theres a possibilty you could make things worse by contacting more.

 

He knows how you feel, guys are drawn to women that are independent and dont "need" a man in their life. You may have come off being needy to him, but thats okay. You can change that by hanging out and just having fun. Pretend like you don't even want him, and odds are most likely he will be curious and come crawling back when you least expect him to.

 

Realize at the end of the day though, you don't NEED him..or anyone else, and you can live without him..no matter what happens.

[rose45]

thank you for responding

 

i hope i didn't come off needy by calling him and leaving that casual voicemail..i figured in some way i showed i wasn't needy b/c during those emotional holidays which sometimes people panic looking to have someone...he knows i didn't expect to be with him for xmas, new years or valentines day..so i figured well its been over a month since v-day..maybe just call to see how he is and that we don't have to disuss anything about us but whats going on in our lives

 

still no call back...some part of me wonders if maybe he is testing to see if i will send him sone panicky text message asking whats going on etc etc

[rose45]

just hurts because we were talking for montha and its like i stressed him out already or did something wrong..everyone i spoke to said i was as casual as i could be and that i didn't mention anything about us meeting until pretty much after 3 months of talking and bringing up a serious subject and how long could i have gone without bringing up the issue of where i stood a little bit in regards to meeting up.

 

but now i wish i wouldnt have said anything and let him do it although these serious things when it comes to emotions is hard for him and he avoids it...thats why i figured i would do it.

 

i'm really sad and alone tonight..just wish i could talk to him

[rose45]

i am really tempted to text him at some point asking how he is and that i called him last week

 

i really think that i atleast deserve some explanation...i am tempted to text him tonight or maybe give it another week to show i'm not panicking b/c he didn't get back to me this week and just say how are you and i tried calling you over a week ago and mention work and how the team i am on will be starting to play soon and then say i know you mentioned i had stressed you out; I just didn't know what you were thinking..now that i do the subject can be dropped. How is everything going?

Edited March 14, 2010 by rose45

[rose45]

any more thoughts? it hurts alot lately

[unsaved]

Rose,

 

The more I read your posts, the more my heart aches for you. When we break up with someone, we all think about giving an ex time and space for them to get their life in order so someday, we can come back and swoop them back into our lives and we will have both become better people and will finally be ready to be together forever. The thing is, most of us get over this dream after so much time has gone by. We tell ourselves that it is over and that person is gone. Most of us give up hope and move on.

 

You, on the other hand, have kept this dream alive. That does not make you a bad person. In fact, it's amazing that you were able to keep this person in your hopes for this long without going crazy in some way! But, you are demonstrating to most of us the EXACT reason why keeping hope alive for that long is useless.

 

Rose, he doesn't want you back right now, and if ever. I don't even know why this guy is still answering your phonecalls or texts. Probably because you are a nice person and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Also, he's probably surprised that you are back in his life and is truly unsure of how to handle this. But, he clearly told you to back off and leave him alone and that his life is difficult right now. You aren't respecting that.

 

I am so sorry. With my recent breakup, I have thought many times about what if I came back to him later and asked him again if he would want to be with me. (Similar story to yours. Broke up b/c of arguing. No cheating or anything like that.) But, I think my story would end up just like yours. He doesn't want it. He may say he "doesn't know and wants it on hold." But, in truth, he doesn't want it. As someone mentioned earlier, rarely do we want to go back down a road we've already been down when it didn't work the first time. He's had a year to think about it and it only makes it more clear that he doesn't want it.

 

You can keep doing what you are doing: contacting him, emailing him, texting, whatever. But, you are only prolonging this pain you are going through.

 

My advice to you is GO NC as if you had just broken up for the second time. Do your own thing, focus on you, dating others, having a better life. In that time, perhaps he will get things in order and come back. But, we have to remember that he may never contact you again too. You can't FORCE someone to be with you.

 

I know you are hurting and it may feel as if he realy has broken up with you again. That is the sense I am getting. Go hang out with your friends. Talk to parents or elders. Start a new hobby. Get into counselling and try to get some things straightened out in your life. These are all things I am doing currently. We have to know when to accept that something is over. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE, ROSE! I PROMISE YOU. He just hasn't come along yet. We ALL will find someone else and get over this. Keep strong. Keep posting here.

 

It's funny, I feel as if I'm in the same spot as you, just my ex broke up wtih me 5 weeks ago, not 1 year. I'm only now realizing that he doesn't want me back either even though he wanted "space and time" and didn't want it "right now." (Although, my ex eventually told me straight up to move on. So, I have a little more push than you. ) So, i am right here with you, Rose.

[rose45]

thank you very much for your thought out response. I haven't cried in awhile over this..maybe 2 months ago i was really really crying. Tonight I was crying as well.

 

I actually decided to text him earlier today following my gut especially since its already been a week and its not like i called him every night. I basically said how are you? said something about my job and also the team i am on will be starting soon and im a little nervous. I hope you still wanna talk

 

and he responded saying he is ok, asking why am i nervous etc. In my next text i did mention that i called him last week and i asked i guess you weren't up for talking? He responded by saying he went to bed early that night and the next day didn't get a chance and after that it just didn't happen and he's sorry. I wrote directly saying we were talking every few days and now its hardly anything. I know you mentioned at one point i had stressed u out but it was only b/c i didn't know what u were thinking and now i do so the subject can be droppped and how i dont wanna make him feel that way.

 

He said he knows that i don't and we can talk later. Close to 10pm i text him are u able to talk? no response..so either he fell asleep or he is avoiding talking to me..i texted him an hour later saying goodnight

 

I really want some answers...the silence i think is what made me feel completely miserable last year. Just him disappearing without something said which is what i need.

[D-Lish]

You're acting panicky again!

Stop justifying all this uninitiated contact and stick to NC with this guy.

 

He didn't just shuffle off to bed, he isn't interested in talking. If this was at all important to him, he'd make the effort to talk to you about it- but he's totally avoiding it!

 

You have to let this go!

[XKatieX]

Ok Im gonna be very blunt this time-

 

Do not contact him anymore.

 

No hi, how are you? Did you get my message? Nothing at all.

 

The more contact you give, the less he talks to you and the more you push him away, thus the more hurt you are giving yourself.

[rose45]

He called we had a long talk. And he basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me.

 

I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did. One thing i mentioned was wishing i had met him when i was older(he's about 9 years older than me) and he said is it that big of a difference? and i said no not that in that way..just the fact i was very inexperienced with everything when i met you. He is the first and only guy i have been with sexually, my first love etc. He said he thinks i regretted that because i brought it up a few times how he could look back and i couldnt. I said i never once regretted it; i think i was just insecure at times over it but in reality i did like it about you being the only one.

 

I hope the way i said things doesn't make him think i have done it with all these new guys? but probably from my emotions still being with him i would hope he thinks otherwise....

 

I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer? I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.

 

I tried getting as much direct info as i could and i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting specifically me he would have been seeing someone already and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk.

Edited March 16, 2010 by rose45

[rose45]

i feel a little better once we spoke and i am glad i said to him sometimes i think maybe you just don't want to be the bad guy and you are trying to spare my feelings. And also how i asked do you think you could still have feelings for me and want to see me and he says that he thinks so and never said he didn't have feelings for me. And he isn't going anywhere.

 

A good friend of mine keeps in contact with his ex now that she is in school somewhere else..both mid twenties..and he said he still talks to her often to keep the door open to them being together again but he isn't going to stop living or dating or hanging out with friends. He suggested awhile ago that i do the same and not put my life on hold completely. He said If i want to keep the door open i probably would need to keep in contact with him because sometimes when you are out of the person's life for a long time, things can possibly drop away alot faster. I do agree with him on this and my ex's words seem to be true with what he is saying but i also don't want things to take longer because he knows he can talk to me. But we seem to be in a different and more possible place of one day reconciling compared to when there was no talking at all.

 

I have been dating and hanging out with friends but maybe now i can feel like the door isn't totally shut with him while i do these things and keep in contact with him?

[rose45]

i'm glad i have been getting responses, definitely love the feedback because sometimes my friends and i have different schedules and we can't talk about this stuff.

 

hope to hear from someone soon.

[hater13]

hun, i honestly think the best way to go about a break up is to just NOT expect reconciliation!

if it does happen, then that's great deal with it THEN but right now move on, don't contact him, be happy with your life and most some fantastic facebook pictures of yourself if he's still on your friends list lol

if he really loves you, he'll come back. if not, you deserve better. in every case of "getting back together" i've seen the dumper has to initiate contact in order for it to really work

hope i helped

[rose45]

hey

 

thank you for replying!

 

i have been trying to keep busy but feel a little sad today. Two close friends say don't bring up meeting anymore or asking questions about it or placing extra pressure about it which i agree with. And that if i call just make the conversations light and nice.

 

I just feel a little down b/c i am hoping he will keep his word and is a true enough person where he isn't just saying those cliche things "let me get my head together". I addressed that at one point and said maybe its me you don't want and he said if that were true he would be seeing someone already or looking.

 

Just miss him alot today...

[rose45]

bump.....

[EthanH]

thing is, you are automatically thinking that by him 'getting his head together' he is going to come up with some positive response, there is just as much chance it will be negative as it is positive...i think you need to accept that atm, the most likely scenario is the one you are dreading... try to accept it, and if things change and he comes back, then great... but you are stopping yourself from being happy by constantly cutting away at any progress you have made by constantly re-analysing and thinking about things sooooo deeply...

[EthanH]

also, you are so desperate for people to reply to your thread, which is understandable, but realise that people are going to say the same thing to you, that you need to move on and stop contacting him... the things that you are doing and his reaction that you are documenting on here just solidifies the view for most on here that you need to change the way you are acting/thinking...