"The First Time Someone Shows You Who They Are...Believe Them!"

[LovelyDaze]

That is a quote from the poet Maya Angelou. It refers to anyone you meet.

 

If your ex showed little signs that something wasn't 100%(obsessive, quick to anger, dismissive, depressing, clingy, volatile, etc.), that is who they are.

 

At the honeymoon stage of a relationship, we all try to put our best foot forward to impress the person we hope to couple up with. After the honeymoon dies; as it ALWAYS does, both relax in the relationship enough to be themselves...the good, bad and ugly.

 

A lot of people who go through a breakup tend to say, "She used to be so caring, but she changed!" or "He used to tell me he loved me and bring me flowers every Saturday night, now he doesn't do any of that!"

They didn't change, they were always THAT person to begin with.

 

The "change" is that they are letting their honest and true personalities emerge. When WE change as human beings throughout life, it is the same thing. Our experiences and ideas over time, make us transcend to a different level. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. But definitely 100% who we really are.

 

The next time you go out on a date and hear or see something your date does that makes you raise an eyebrow...trust it.Be careful who you let in to your heart the next time around.

 

I just had another co-worker ask me out on a date. He is known to be the office "Adonis." Great looking, smart, funny and all of those things. Why I turned him down is because not 3 days ago he had put pics on Facebook of his girlfriend and himself at a NYE 2010 party!

He says they "just now" broke it off and his Facebook status? Says "It's Complicated" Geez.

 

I have never been more proud of myself and feel like I can lift mountains for not jumping into another bad situation! Yes, I am lonely and miss having a boyfriend but I DO NOT want to keep gluing pieces of my broken heart over and over again. I am sure you all don't either! This sucks!!!

 

Whatever you do, please listen to that little voice that nags at you that something does not seem right.

 

It is your conscience, your gut, and that proverbial red flag.

Edited January 10, 2010 by LovelyDaze

[lovelifeforever]

Oh boy have I learnt that one!!!! I knew a year before we broke up but I ignored all of it, I even took time out to think about what I wanted and asked him to do the same but I let him talk me round.....my gut was telling me it was not right for me but I carried on anyway...

 

I did hear the things he said but when I questioned him on any of it, he just said he wasnt very good with words and that they just came out wrong and it was not what he meant!!! and |I bought it!

 

So I second you on this one, when they show you - believe it or live, like me to repent your decision to ignore it :rolleyes:

[LovelyDaze]

Oh boy have I learnt that one!!!! I knew a year before we broke up but I ignored all of it, I even took time out to think about what I wanted and asked him to do the same but I let him talk me round.....my gut was telling me it was not right for me but I carried on anyway...

 

I did hear the things he said but when I questioned him on any of it, he just said he wasnt very good with words and that they just came out wrong and it was not what he meant!!! and |I bought it!

 

So I second you on this one, when they show you - believe it or live, like me to repent your decision to ignore it :rolleyes:

 

Wow. I am so sorry that you went through that the hard way like we all have.

I can easily get into another bad relationship just out of sheer loneliness. That tells me right there that I am not ready to be in one at all. I will continue to work on having a great time with family and friends..hell, even with my own self just relaxing at home!

I know we all don't want to be lonely but being with a jerk is in no way shape or form better than that.

[Eisenhower]

Boy, that is sure true. My ex told me about her wild past on one of the first eveneings we spent together and I literally had a little internal meltdown. It really was not in keeping with who I thought she was and it tormented me. I even thought about ending it there and then. I should have never got involved but I tried to believe her when she said "that's the past, people change." Two years later, I'm trying to heal a broken heart.

 

Lesson learned - follow your instincts.

 

Eisenhower

[Vampire]

I wish I'd followed my gut instinct 10 and a half years ago, but human nature and a momentary lapse of reason, is sometimes inevitable.

 

I had good times during those 10 years, but looking back on it, there was way too much reflection and doubt.

By the time you realise they've 'changed', unfortunately, so have you.

In my case, I barely recognise the man in the mirror.

 

Someone who 'changes' or reverts back to who or what they really were/are, will do their best to change you to their liking along the way.

It's very subversive.

You don't actually know what's happening until it's too late.

 

Learn from your mistakes for sure, or you're destined to repeat them.

But if you do, hey, you're only human.

So am I.

So is she.

So is he.

Etc ad infinitum.

[HeavenOrHell]

But my gut tells me my ex is still the right one for me, so sometimes we can't follow our gut instincts if it's not reciprocated.

Sorry, I'm tired and confused and you were probably just talking about when you first meet someone.

[LovelyDaze]

But my gut tells me my ex is still the right one for me, so sometimes we can't follow our gut instincts if it's not reciprocated.

Sorry, I'm tired and confused and you were probably just talking about when you first meet someone.

 

Hey HOH, yes, I was referring to those first initial red flags that we all dismiss early on.

 

Hi Vampire, I agree that we get involved with someone like that and before you know it, we are sucked into the vortex.

 

The problem in relationships is that one or the other wants the partner to assimilate until "their world" That is to say, no one is accepting the person they are with at face value.

[Angel1111]

Two weeks after I started dating my now ex, we were in the car when another car darted in front of him and he ranted and raved and got really, really angry. It was at that very moment that I told myself that I would break up with him. But then I decided that I'd just casually date him. Then he showed his temper more and more, although it was always directed at others. I told him once, "Don't ever turn your anger on me." I ended up marrying him and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't ignore red flags anymore.

[carolinawanderer]

I don't agree with this fully.

 

Everyone has some sort of major flaw. Everyone. All relationships go through rough patches, everyone makes mistakes in them.

 

For those of you who remember me talk about it, my ex and I went through a two-month rough patch in our relationship after we had been dating for over a year, far past the time a "honeymoon period" should have ended. During this patch I acted a lot moodier than usual...I wasn't happy with where our relationship was, and I had a lot of other things going on in my life as well.

 

HOWEVER, looking back on things, I had NEVER acted like that with anyone else before. No one. It definitely was not a part of who I was.

 

My ex and I had a talk about this and I turned my attitude around. When she finally broke up with me for good, she told me that things were getting better, but the breakup was because was there was "something missing."

 

I know myself pretty well. I can be temperamental, but I'm not a needlessly moody or depressive person.

 

My point is, just because a person shows some negative characteristic for a while doesn't mean that that's truly who they are. If you talk to them about it several times and they keep doing something that's a real problem...THEN you might be able to say it's a part of who that person is.

 

What hurt the worst was hearing scathing insults about my character from her at the end of our relationship - it hurt me because she said she believed things about me that weren't true.

Edited January 11, 2010 by carolinawanderer

[carolinawanderer]

Hey HOH, yes, I was referring to those first initial red flags that we all dismiss early on.

 

Oops, sorry, did not see this! This I'm more inclined to agree with.

 

I don't want to sound like a conceited a-hole, but I know I was a very good boyfriend for the vast majority of our relationship. The issues we had were not due to anyone "letting down their guard."

[Angel1111]

Oops, sorry, did not see this! This I'm more inclined to agree with.

 

I don't want to sound like a conceited a-hole, but I know I was a very good boyfriend for the vast majority of our relationship. The issues we had were not due to anyone "letting down their guard."

 

Yeah, I think it has more to do with seeing things that are dealbreakers for you. These are things that aren't going to get fixed.

[sugarmomma]

Yeah, I think it has more to do with seeing things that are dealbreakers for you. These are things that aren't going to get fixed.

 

 

Right. No one is perfect but serious flaws are a cause for concern like extreme selfishness.

 

Oprah said this the other day on her show about men who have led secret lives.

 

She said 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And be sure to believe them the FIRST TIME!!

[Wicker_Parked]

wow thanks for the advice lovelydaze, a friend of mine told me once his father gave him a saying about meeting love, he said 'when you see a chip in the glass, you dont have to watch the crack to the end to know what happens'

My mate told me this after i missed about 10 red flags,

 

Its great to hear all these helpful articles like yours because the more i read them it does make me logically separate and change from thinking like before that 'you cant live without them' to 'how did i ever put myself through that'

Dont get me wrong i would never regret putting myself through the process of falling for someone my Ex but i suppose the quicker you can get through the breakup when and if things eventually go bad than the better you are for them.

I am still in the mindset of finding it hard to separate my life and come to grips with the possibility of never having that person in my life ever again. I think a breakup can bring the best out of you and after a while it may even help to increasing your ambition in life

Edited January 11, 2010 by Wicker_Parked

[CaliGuy]

Been saying this for years myself and totally agree.

 

Never believe what people say.

Believe what they DO because that tells you where thier heart is.

[LovelyDaze]

Two weeks after I started dating my now ex, we were in the car when another car darted in front of him and he ranted and raved and got really, really angry. It was at that very moment that I told myself that I would break up with him. But then I decided that I'd just casually date him. Then he showed his temper more and more, although it was always directed at others. I told him once, "Don't ever turn your anger on me." I ended up marrying him and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't ignore red flags anymore.

 

 

Your little voice spoke to you in whispers but of course we all have falling for not-so-good at one time or another. Be on your guard the next time you feel a little nudge. So glad you got out of that no-win situation.

[LovelyDaze]

Oops, sorry, did not see this! This I'm more inclined to agree with.

 

I don't want to sound like a conceited a-hole, but I know I was a very good boyfriend for the vast majority of our relationship. The issues we had were not due to anyone "letting down their guard."

 

Oh that's okay, carolinawanderer. You know we have had discussions on the LS boards so I do remember your story. You are absolutely right that we all have negative qualities or at least, negative to the other partner's taste.

 

When it is those alarming red flag alerts of the things I mentioned earlier, that's when it is a good idea to go ahead and move on. Especially if the person shows signs that will inevitably wreck the relationship such as infidelity, serious drug problem,etc.

[LovelyDaze]

wow thanks for the advice lovelydaze, a friend of mine told me once his father gave him a saying about meeting love, he said 'when you see a chip in the glass, you dont have to watch the crack to the end to know what happens'

My mate told me this after i missed about 10 red flags,

 

Its great to hear all these helpful articles like yours because the more i read them it does make me logically separate and change from thinking like before that 'you cant live without them' to 'how did i ever put myself through that'

Dont get me wrong i would never regret putting myself through the process of falling for someone my Ex but i suppose the quicker you can get through the breakup when and if things eventually go bad than the better you are for them.

I am still in the mindset of finding it hard to separate my life and come to grips with the possibility of never having that person in my life ever again. I think a breakup can bring the best out of you and after a while it may even help to increasing your ambition in life

 

 

Exactly right. It's difficult but that breakup can be the best thing that ever happened solely because it forces you to think of who you are in a relationship versus the people you have let into your heart everytime. MOst of us will notice patterns emerge and have to make the hard choice to sever it and try someone new.

 

*To CaliGuy*: You are on target as usual. I have seen what a few of my exes have done and they weren't pretty. I was just so "in love" that I hoped upon hope that they would just push a button and change. Wrong!