Im losing him ;(

[dazzle22]

Ok dazzle. I will be calm and nice when he calls. Yes he is a man of his word. He really is a good man. So if he asks to see me i should just go with it and not question him at all right? I know him he will probably just take me out and will not bring up this entire mess. BUT what kills me is he wont be the same ;( and thats when ill start questioning him and saying i miss you please go back to the old you. im sorry. I know i shouldnt though.

 

Don't start in on all the baggage right away. He is going to be WATCHING you remember, to see if you are still unstable and unpredicatable. Just have a nice time. Let things FLOW. Perhaps say, "this has given me time to think and I realize I was taking the very best thing I have ever had in life for granted, and I am sorry. I know I really damaged your ability to trust me, but I hope you will give me the chance to show you I am changing." Then he has to respond. Good luck!

[Woggle]

yes it is my fault Woggle but i cannot change the past. I am here to try to find a solution. Maybe i did lose him already like you are implying. But if i still have a chance i want to salvage this.

 

If you want him back you will have to earn him back and it won't happen overnight. If you really do care he is worth it right? Just be aware that if you do earn him back and pull this thing again it will be over for good.

[KATEYES]

ok Dazzle i will try this.

[KATEYES]

yes Woggle he is worth it. I will earn his trust back. Sucks how now i haVE to work for it when before it was just handed to me. WOMEN THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS... WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD MAN AND YOU TREAT HIM BAD...DONT TAKE A GOOD MAN FOR GRANTED!!!! LEARN FROM ME!!!

[Austen]

Kateyes, you need to stop and BREATHE. Slow down, girl. He is confused, and you need to give him time to sort things out on his own. BACK OFF. I say that nicely, but emphatically. I'm not saying you should stop contacting him completely. But try texting him once a day and let him know you're thinking about him. And then leave him alone. If he calls, which he will probably start doing more (once you've backed off), don't get into the drama of the past with him. Keep it lighter for a while.

Think about it. When was he pursuing you the hardest? It was when he though he couldn't have you. Well, now you're all over him and smothering him and he's pulling away. Let the past be the past. If you screwed up, forgive yourself and let it go. Tomorrow is a new day, so treat it like one. The sure way to lose him is to continue what you've been doing. If you want to have any chance with him, just step back a little. If he loves you as much as I think he might, based on your original post, he'll come around.

[hoping2heal]

Somebody help me. Should i give him space. Stop calling texting. What??? what do i do??? Bananaboat11...im sorry is all i can say.

 

Kat,

 

I'm not really all that convinced that if he were to come around and be "loving" to you, that you wouldn't just turn back to your old ways. It seems like when you noticed him pulling away, then you just suddenly had an interest in him. I personally think this was a stable fixture that you recognized as someone caring about you, when he began pulling away then you suddenly "want" it. That said, I think once it were "back" you would go back to the way you have been. I think he may have a fear of that also.

[Truthfulanswers]

Here's the thing...

 

If you truly want him back here's what you need to do...

 

STOP calling and texting him NOW.

 

You see, when you chase after a man you will show desperation and his subconscious will force him to not want to be with you.

 

Most men will feel this to be very needy and most men do not desire a needy woman.

 

I would start to act cheerful around him and start to go out and have fun with your friends.

 

You see this can make your man feel as he might loose you. A man is more attracted to a woman he feels he might loose or is hard to have.

 

If you decide to take advice make sure you take advice from someone who is an expert on a mans psychology and not from someone who gives advice for both men and women.

 

Best of luck

[dreamer6615]

This is a crazy situation. I had just broken up with my ex boyfriend and i was suffering a lot when this wonderful guy came into my life. I knew i was not ready for a relationship because i was not over my ex. He knew this and insisted. This man treated me like gold and was there for me at all times. He really helped me during the darkest moments in my life. However because of the pain i was going through i could not reciprocate my feelings. He said it didnt matter that he still wanted to be there. I was not very nice to him. I was just stressed and never noticed the nice gestures he made. Well i did but i couldnt fully appreciate them because i was hurting from my ex. After 8 months he asked me to be his girl but i kept being a jerk i wasnt fully over my ex. I know i shouldnt have said yes Eventually the pain healed I am better now....just as he is starting to let go. I know i hurt him but it was because i was angry from the ex and i know i would take my frustrations out on him when it was not his fault. I started falling in love with him. Now he is letting go. He doesnt call me like he used to nor is he excited to spend time with me. He says no his feelings have not changed but he said its just that he doesnt know what happened. He says he just needs to get rid of the "the bad feelings he has when i hurt him" I told him i am sorry that i am in love with him. He says he loves me to...but says he doesnt know what happened. He says he tried for so long and i never cared. I dont know what to do. I LOVE THIS MAN. he is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I have been acting crazy lately crying telling him i love him.. that im sorry i didnt appreciate all the good he did. He is nice and says dont cry its not your fault. I know you were not well. Still he is the same.... distant....i dont think he loves me anymore and i just am freaking out and i keep calling him and texting him. I know im making things worse. Guys please help me. I cant lose this man. I JUST CANT!!! Should i just back off and give him space. ...but what if i lose him????

 

Honestly, I really don't have an answer - Maybe he feels that you are falling for him and that he doesn't have to try as hard - I dunno, but I don't think you should abandon all hope -

 

I hope this works out for you...

[KATEYES]

Aaarrrgghhhh im going to try to back off slowly. I cant believe i had this man and i never saw it now im all worried he doesnt want me anymore. I saw him yesterday and i was loving towards him. He seemed to enjoy it but he doesnt say anything. He did say he loved me. We went to the park and spent the day laying on a blanket under the trees. It was nice. He said he felt relaxed and good. I kissed him and he would kiss me back and just looked really happy. Its like he is loving with his affection but not with words. He doesnt say much. Still though he texts me now but doesnt call me baby or angel, princess..lol...things he used to call me before!! I guess i just have to be patient and not smother him. Its sooo hard. Now i know how he felt when he was always screaming out for my attention and i was like whatever!!!

Edited January 11, 2010 by KATEYES

[KATEYES]

I also forgot to mention before we got to the park we talked about taking a break. He says we need to get rid of all these bad feelings so we can start over. I told him i didnt want that. Now i dont know...maybe we should. So he can miss me again. Arrgghhh guys what should i do? Should we take a break where we dont see each other???

[KATEYES]

I think im going to break up with him I think im going to either break up or tell him we need a break. I think he loves me but i need to go away so he can miss me. Aaaarggghhhh i hate this!!! We are going to see each other tonight i guess ill know tonight.

[bananaboat11]

I think im going to break up with him I think im going to either break up or tell him we need a break. I think he loves me but i need to go away so he can miss me. Aaaarggghhhh i hate this!!! We are going to see each other tonight i guess ill know tonight.

 

 

You need to clear your head and listen to your heart, hun... You NEED to give him space. That much is evident... but don't push him further away. If he's like me... he loves you still...

[thepulse27]

Kateyes, theres a hell of a lot of things going on in here, and i'll try and address all the ones i can see.

I'll start by repeating what a lot of people have said, 'calm down'. both of you have some thinking to do and you cant do that when your emotions are this high all the time.

First of all, no games. if you are in love, and you want a real, grown up relationship with someone who loves you, it has to be based on trust and respect, not on who has the upper hand. Making him miss you, or if he really is doing this to make you miss him, is just power games and this isnt worth fighting for because theyre not going to stop.

He may well be testing you in a way, but dont confuse that with playing games. He gave everything he had to you, and you didnt treat him well in return. In short you didnt deserve him. I'm not blaming you for this, as I understand that you were still a mess over someone else. But that is the truth. He may right now be holding back a little to see if you have changed, to see if you have grown. To be your perfect man again the second you decide to act right would make him feel worthless inside, and if he can't respect himself then there is no way you ever will. If you can show him now that you deserve his love then my guess is he will come back. I dont mean by showering him with affection. I mean by being every bit as in love with him as you have been, but more in tune with his needs and feelings. He has to see that the relationship will not be one sided and that you are not actually a selfish little girl. This may take some time, so if you are not prepared for that, or you are going to lose patience and make demands of him again before he's ready to trust again, then don't bother.

And you need to decide whether you actually want him. In the way everyone else has touched on, you need to think very carefully whether you really want a relationship with this man, or whether you are just upset because you didnt realise how much you liked his attention until he took it away.

You both need to think about whether after this you can be together, without this getting in the way. Both of you need to figure out whether you can trust the other to let go of those feelings. If he still loves you, then when he decides he does want to make things work then he needs to forget about the times when you werent good to him, and focus completely on who you are now. And you need to forgive him for backing away, to not bug him for explanations (they will come when he is ready), and to be completely sure you are over your ex.

 

I think you need to put down everything you feel for him in words. conversations dont work with this as we get sidetracked and we get emotional. so write him a letter or an email. tell him exactly how you feel, and that you are prepared to wait for him while he gets over his problems. dont be over emotional or clingy. Ask him to reply to it, as you want to know how he feels, and how he reacts to what you say. But dont rush him for a response. it will come.

 

as for a break, thats for you to decide. i dont like them personally. i think taking some time for yourselves to think is ok, but if you mean the kind of break when you are free to see other people and expect to both come back and be the same, then I dont think its going to work.

 

I hope it works out for you. And I hope you appreciate it when it does. And that he does too.

 

Good luck!

[XKatieX]

Yes, you just need to give him space right now. It's really all you can do. If you want to later tell him how you feel just write him an email, but for now I would back off.

 

The situation is understandable on both ends so most likely he will come back, especially if he cares about you the way you described.

 

Good luck

[KATEYES]

Thanks guys for all your advice and keep it coming because im gonna need it. I have decided to back off from him. I saw him the other night and we had a great evening. Just laying in his arms and feeling happy. But come the next day he is distant...no sweet messages and that sort of thing. I dont know...i feel he has consciously made the decision to cut me off in regards to being sweet and going the extra mile for me. He really did treat me like a queen before. I have stopped calling him and from now on i will wait until he calls or texts because lately it is always me. This sucks but there is nothing i can do. In the last week or so i have been all over him and it has gotten me nowhere. so now its like im gonna stop all of that. Its like im cutting him off now....but its not revenge its just i have to back off cause im just pushing him away. What do you guys think??

Edited January 13, 2010 by KATEYES

[bananaboat11]

Thanks guys ofr all your adviceand keep it coming because im gonna need it. I have decided to back off from him. I saw him the other nighta nd we had a great evening.Just laying in his arms and feeling happy. But come the next day he is distant...no sweet messages and that sort of thing. I dont know...i feel he has consciously made the decision to cut me off in regards to being sweet and going the extra mile for me. He really did treat me like a queen before. I have stopped calling him and from now on i will wait until he calls or texts because lately it is always me. This sucks but there is nothing i can do. In the last week or so i have been all over him and it has gotten me nowhere. so now its like im gonna stop all of that. Its like im cutting him off now....but its not revenge its just i have to back off cause im just pushing him away. What do you guys think??

 

 

I think right now... reverse psychology... the more you PUSH to be with him and want who he was when you weren't in the 'right' place mentally... you push him away...

 

GIVE HIM TIME TO MISS YOU.

 

Don't smother him... he was in love with you once.. good chance he still is... he is just sizing up how you'll be to him if he opens up to you again... he made the conscious decision to be there when you didn't want him... he understood the risk... now he's paying the price. And he wants to make sure that this is a 'good investment'... so to say.. not to objectify you, but putting into a relationship is HARD work... as well all know. If I'm going to get hurt b/c a girl isn't emotionally ready (haha,just happened to me FML) ... I'm not going to want to continue with it...

 

let him see you for who you truly are. Let him be the man HE wants to be... with you. He'll either find that place or not...

 

 

Be strong, regardless. good luck sweetie

[KATEYES]

Thanks bananaboat. Yes thats what im going to do Usually i was all deseperate calling him 24/7. I always called him on my lunch hour and today i didnt. He didnt call me either and just now my lunch is about to end and he sent a text saying "what are you doing sweetie?" so i guess thats good right??? He noticed i didnt call I replied "wrapping up my lunch hun" So im being sweet back but i dont innitiate. OMG.....i hope this brings him back. Thanks guys for your support...i really need it.

[KATEYES]

I have to erase these two images of myself that he has. 1. The evil me 2. The crazy desperate one. Geez he probably thinks im crazy. I gotta be COOL... like the Fonz...lol...just COOL!!

[KATEYES]

Anything to keep myself sane. Miss him so. He hasnt called i havent called ;( This is bull. Sucks because he was there for me when i was getting over the ex. So he knows how i get when im missing someone. Damn your best friend really can be your worst enemy. They know all your secrets. He even knows about LS. He could probably go in here and find this thread and recognize our story. Geez Louise!!!! I just finished working out!!! I feel ok i suppose.

[bananaboat11]

Anything to keep myself sane. Miss him so. He hasnt called i havent called ;( This is bull. Sucks because he was there for me when i was getting over the ex. So he knows how i get when im missing someone. Damn your best friend really can be your worst enemy. They know all your secrets. He even knows about LS. He could probably go in here and find this thread and recognize our story. Geez Louise!!!! I just finished working out!!! I feel ok i suppose.

 

 

 

I'm having a down moment too.. I just saw avatar and realized (if you've seen the movie...) love like that doesn't exist...

[KATEYES]

Awww Bananaboat....cheer up. Love does exist ....i dont know somewhere it does. someday you will have that. WE will have that. We are only human... We dont know any better. We make mistakes and dont know any better sometimes. That movie was a great movie. Cheer up. im here with you...i feel down too.

[bananaboat11]

Awww Bananaboat....cheer up. Love does exist ....i dont know somewhere it does. someday you will have that. WE will have that. We are only human... We dont know any better. We make mistakes and dont know any better sometimes. That movie was a great movie. Cheer up. im here with you...i feel down too.

 

 

...In all honesty.. I should hate you, but I don't. I forgive you for loving and missing your ex. And putting good guys like me through the ringer. I forgive you Kateyes... your heart had every right to hurt.... and mend... and you have. I know you are a good person... and you seem like a sweet girl. I hope things work out for you. He may hurt now, but he will come around...

 

Thank you for showing me that there is a chance my ex is humane... although I'm quite confident i'll never hear from her again.

[KATEYES]

Bananaboat i am guilty of being evil to somebody who only wanted to love me....but i was also a victim of someone else who was verbally abusive to me for 5 years. My ex and i were engaged and he got a part time job on the weekends in order to "save money for us" "a little extra cash he said" Well at that job he met a girl and in 2 wks of being at the new job he picked a fight with me. He was the most verbally abusive he had ever been. I broke up with him even though i loved him soo much. I just couldnt stay. He then hooked up with that girl and flaunted it all over myspace. He moved in with her within 4 months of being with her when he was with me for 5 years and we never did this. In between this nightmare....MY ANGEL walked in ;( I was so torn up inside i couldnt even see him. I told him no to leave me alone. I was destroyed he was gonna get hurt. But he chose to stay and look what happened. I dont know how i treated him bad when i had just experienced the pain of being abused myself. ;( I was just so f*cked up!!

[Austen]

Thanks bananaboat. Yes thats what im going to do Usually i was all deseperate calling him 24/7. I always called him on my lunch hour and today i didnt. He didnt call me either and just now my lunch is about to end and he sent a text saying "what are you doing sweetie?" so i guess thats good right??? He noticed i didnt call I replied "wrapping up my lunch hun" So im being sweet back but i dont innitiate. OMG.....i hope this brings him back. Thanks guys for your support...i really need it.

 

Keep up the good work! And don't initiate contact for a while. Have you ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by Dr. John Gray? I think it's a book that would help you immensely. He deals a lot with the whole contact and pushing to hard thing that we women are so often guilty of, and he explains why it drives men away.

[bananaboat11]

Bananaboat i am guilty of being evil to somebody who only wanted to love me....but i was also a victim of someone else who was verbally abusive to me for 5 years. My ex and i were engaged and he got a part time job on the weekends in order to "save money for us" "a little extra cash he said" Well at that job he met a girl and in 2 wks of being at the new job he picked a fight with me. He was the most verbally abusive he had ever been. I broke up with him even though i loved him soo much. I just couldnt stay. He then hooked up with that girl and flaunted it all over myspace. He moved in with her within 4 months of being with her when he was with me for 5 years and we never did this. In between this nightmare....MY ANGEL walked in ;( I was so torn up inside i couldnt even see him. I told him no to leave me alone. I was destroyed he was gonna get hurt. But he chose to stay and look what happened. I dont know how i treated him bad when i had just experienced the pain of being abused myself. ;( I was just so f*cked up!!

 

 

Thank you.... Talking to you (among others), but truly... your words are spoken no more truly than from the heart...

 

I truly believe... we each possess an aura... and illuminate the most radiant, vibrant colors... and it is only when we reach the points of our lives we are in now... where we truly learn to live our lives for who we are and what we are given... We are able to look beyond ourselves... see past our own reflections of light to which we emanate. It is in these very moments, the dullest of individuals light up and becoming those shining effigies... a solid iconic figure of hope to a new meaning. And I sit here and smile thinking how you've found that place... the place we all hope and long for.

 

I know that sounds sappy, pathetic, un-alpha male like... I could go on, but I feel more of a man now than I ever have... star high school athlete or intercollegiate running back for a DI-AA football team...

 

Thank you. If you ever want to talk... I don't know, this sounds weird.. I feel like you've connected to me.. I feel your heart's pain... you can e-mail your contact info (e-mail addy or Facebook) and i'll be happy to respond... ([email protected])

 

Be strong... be true to yourself.

Edited January 14, 2010 by bananaboat11