Breaking my silence

[Don't_Think_Twice]

Well, after a month of lurking, it's time to tell my story...

 

Got married two years ago, dated for a few years before that. Several months ago, W told me that she was unhappy in the relationship and had been for the better part of a year. She never said a word prior to this. We went to marriage counseling a few times, but it didn't really get off the ground, as she was unwilling to commit even to working on things. When I would attempt to engage her and find out what was wrong, or what she was unhappy about or wanting, she would respond by saying that she didn't know. Meanwhile, she began to withdraw emotionally from the relationship.

 

Around this time, she began an emotional affair that steadily progressed to a physical one. Marriage counseling continued, though the only thing she said during sessions was that she was leaning more and more toward leaving the marriage. The answer to every other question continued to be "I don't know."

 

She told me she wanted time and space to decide what she wanted to do, so I all but moved out and have scarcely been at home since late November. Throughout all of this, she has remained passive, stating that she is pretty sure she wants to leave the relationship, but is afraid to make a decision. All the while, the affair has escalated, even though she insists that the OM is just a friend (a statement contradicted by her admissions of the things she's done with him).

 

It's hard to put my finger on my role in this. I know that I share responsibility for bringing the relationship to this point, but since she's gone off the reservation the last few months, I feel as though I've been cut out of the process altogether. I have, for the most part, been loving and supportive of her, even as she continued to abuse and discount me. I've waited for some sign from her that the woman I love is still in there...I thought she'd snap out of it. It didn't happen. In the interest of trying to save my marriage, I have put up with a lot of things I never thought I'd have to endure.

 

I've gotten to the point where I've had enough, and am 99% ready to move on with my life -- I'm in the process of moving out permanently and have filed for divorce. But it seems like such a waste; we had something really special, and now she's ready to throw it all out without a fight? She believes that if we got back together and tried to work it out, that there's no possible way things could be any different than they were when she was unhappy. I don't think this is the case at all, but I doubt it'd be possible to convince her of this.

 

Again and again, though I know it's not helpful, I keep coming back to the same questions. "What did I do wrong?" "Her leaving me this way...what does it say about me?" etc.

 

So I'm not sure what I can do, other than walk away. Is there even a question here? I don't know. LOL.

 

Edited to add: I am ready to move on, but there is part of me that still wants to work it out, or at least make an effort. She doesn't seem interested, though.

Edited January 10, 2010 by Don't_Think_Twice

[G-O]

Feeling your pain. Going through the same stuff with my wife. I personally would just walk away. If she doesn't want it all the space and time in the world won't change her mind. From what I've been reading on this site you shouldn't waste your time or energy on something that isn't going to happen. Don't question yourself about the person you are. You did nothing wrong. I wish my wife would just tell me it's over so I don't have to sit here and wonder if we are going to work it out. I also found that talking on this forum has helped me greatly. I'm only five days into my mess. Good luck.

[Gunny376]

What did you do to deserve this? Possibly and literally everything.

 

And then possibly nothing?

 

It could have been that its not what you did, but what you didn't do.

 

It could be that you DW simply isn't the monogamous type. I witness one MW hit on a guy who told her, "But your married!" To which she replied, "Yea! But its only temporary."

 

It could be that the DW has "buyers remorse" thought you were one way and that you fulfilled a need and now the OM fulfills another need that you don't or even can't. That she didn't know she had when she got with you?

 

It could be she that she needs variety?

 

It could be that she needed a new conquest to feel good and attractive about herself?

 

Who the Hell knows. What was? Was. What is? Is. Don't dwell on it, and if you keep trying to measure yourself up to the OM, you'll go nuts in doing so. Don't even go there, don't waste literally years trying to figure it out. You never will.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, adjust your perspective and attitude, accent the positive, identify your weaknesses and shortcomings ~ seek self improvement daily.

 

You didn't say how old you are. Nor give any hint as to what your social economic status is (I'm not asking).

 

But this really is a Golden Opportunity for you. Now is the time that you can set some goals and financial objectives.

 

Get out of debt, build up an 1 year emergency contingency fund, (I like to call mine ~ OMGWAIGTDN ~ Oh my God! What am I going to do now fund

 

That is to say you can go one year without anything coming in.

 

Don't stop there. Put money back for what you know you're going to pay out in the future. Auto repairs/replacement, furniture and appliance replacement, buying a new house, property taxes, auto registration, other taxes.

 

Meanwhile as your doing that don't be a fool! Get back into school and go to the library and learn about the two subjects they don't teach virtually anywhere at any school ~ not even college.

 

Personal Finance and personal relationships.

 

Read:

 

"The Five Languages of Love"

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes"

 

"How To Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald

 

"2001 Things To Do On A Date"

 

"Light Her Fire"

 

"How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

"The Art Of Living Single"

 

"Living Alone And Loving It"

 

"Romance 101"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman Every time and have her beg for more"

 

"Absolute Pleasure.

 

Get yourself to the gym, force yourself to go a minimum of five times a week and workout a minimum of five times a week. You'll look better, you'll feel better. If you've not been going then it may take as much as three to six months before you "feel" like going. After that you want feel right not going.

 

Have your teeth fixed / whitened (laser), get lasik if you wear glasses or contacts. Update your wardrobe, if your clueless ask a trusted female your age (friend / relative) with good taste to go with you. Don't skimp on quality. Go ahead and pay the extra bucks for the name brand clothes.

 

Take dance lessons, learn and study humor and comedy, learn some tricks, (I can make metal levitate through a upturned glass and watches stop Hint, it the heavily magnetic ring I'm wearing on my index finger ) Learn a couple of card and bar tricks (And get free drinks all night long)

 

My point is that its probably too late for you and the DW ~ that is until you've re-invent yourself. Once you've reinvented yourself, you've learned the social skill set you need to virtually go anywhere at anytime and attract women ~ because your the kind of man women are attracted to? My bet is that she'll come running back to you ~ but by then it will be to late.

 

You see its just like the song ~ "Girls just want to have fun!" If you can entertain them, keep them laughing, a 'shinnin and a grinnin" ~ having a good time? You can keep them engage.

 

The trouble with marriage is that there's this little thing I like to call Life. Making and earning a living, climbing up the food chain. Add in a couple of babies, taxes, deadlines, quotas, bills, unemployment, division of household chores, yada~ yada?

 

And most of us tend to forget why we got together in the first place?

 

And a lot of us men are like Paul on the show "Mad About You" In one episode Jamie said, "You use to wine and dine me, send me roses, cards and sweet nothings? But now that we married? You don't! Why?"

 

Paul responded with "That's the reason I married you, so I wouldn't have to do that anymore!"

 

You've got to date your mate ~ What it took to get her is what it takes to keep her.

 

BTW if you ever hear the words "I'm not happy!" from a woman your in a relationship with chances (there's always the chance that its not so ~ she could truly not be happy) she's usually either having an EA or PA with someone else. Ditto with the "ILYBIMNILWY" speech.

 

But here's the thing. If a woman isn't happy in one aspect of her life? She's not going to be happy in other aspects of her life. Its the whole, "If Mama ain't happy ~ ain't no one happy!

 

Women are much more intune with their emotional states of mind ~ which is why to us men (who are less in tuned to such) they're so irrational and sometimes illogical. And that varies literally from moment to moment. (I should say most women ~ not any and all women ~ they're all the same and they're ALL each and everyone different ~ unique)

 

Case in point a co-worked spoke to his mother about going deer hunting this weekend (with the family re-union coming up the same weekend.) On Thursday he gave his argument about going deer hunting because of XYZ, and she told him he should go!

 

On Friday she insisted that absolutely must go to the family reunion.

 

Women are just as rational and logical as men ~ but the breakdown is in men not comprehending that women aren't men and men aren't women.

 

Women are just as intelligent and rational and logical as men ~ in some case if not more so.

 

But women sometimes need to reconcile their intelligent, rational and logical minds with their emotional minds. Something men lack, or at least not totally in connection with.

 

All that to say? You did nothing wrong.

 

You simply like most of us did not have the prerequisite knowledge, experience, skill set, understanding, comprehension to pull it off to begin with.

 

If we did?

 

Tens upon thousands of marriage couselors would starving and homeless!

Edited January 10, 2010 by Gunny376

[2.50 a gallon]

"We had something special" That is why most of us got married. It sounds as if it is no longer special to her. Sorry to have to be so blunt.

 

I was once in your shoes, my marriage didn't even last a year, and yes she was special. From one who has been there and back, trust me when I say you will find that special feeling again, with somebody new.

 

Gunny said it all. Read it several times.

 

So you struck out with this one, move on in life, the world is full of beautiful women. Find one you can trust

 

Do not concern yourself with the could've and should'ves. Also do not concern yourself with "What did I do wrong?". She probably would not tell you the truth anyway.

 

If you have been lurking for awhile you should realize that the roller coaster ride is just beginning. One moment up and ready to move on, and the next unsure and wanting it to somehow work out. Ask yourself, if she did come back could you ever really trust her?

[Don't_Think_Twice]

Thanks for the responses, everybody. Looking back I was pretty brief and vague with my story...maybe that's because I've spent so much of the last few months talking about it. Plus I was paranoid that she was somehow going to stumble upon this place and get mad when she saw my thread.

 

We're pretty young...me 28, her 26. No kids. She's just establishing herself in her career, and I am working toward the same goal.

 

I guess I'm struggling with the same thing as so many others -- she never said a word (or maybe I just didn't pick up on it, who knows?), and then one day, BAM, it was over, just like that. And that would be one thing, but all the meanness and nastiness that has followed, it's just been hard to take. I never expected any of this from her, but who does?

 

Gunny, you're spot on with pretty much everything you said, right down to the "I'm not happy" and "ILYBINILWY" speeches. I got both. Like so many others have said, it's like these WAWs share a script...it's unreal.

[mikeymad]

and believe it or not, us men usually follow the same script as well. it's like a damn shakespearean tragedy sometimes. I read the women's posts and think...OMG that's my W, and I read posts like yours and think either, holy crap that's my twin, or my W logged on as a dude and typed up our story.

maybe even though all R's are different, they're kinda all the same when the crap hits the fan.