dsancious Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 I remarried last summer to a woman with a 3 year-old son. Her son's father is an alcoholic and has very little to do with his son (he never keeps him at his house because of his drinking). The marriage has been difficult for both of us as she has had to relocate 2 hours away from her family and I had been single for 14 years. My problem: My wife continues to keep in phone contact with her ex., especially when we are fighting. She admits to calling him whenever we fight and says she just needs someone to talk to. She even called him on the day of our wedding. We separated briefly 2 months after our marriage and cell phone records show that she was in frequent contact with him during that time. I confronted her on all this and she agreed that she should stop calling him so much. She did cease calling him for several weeks but is now back to calling him 2-3 times a week or more. We are getting along fine but I am still not comfortable with the situation. I also overheard a phone conversation with him 2 months ago in which she asked him if he still thinks about her and misses her (he replied yes to both). My question: Am I paranoid in my concerns over my wife's relationship with her ex? Should I demand that she scale back her contact with her ex? Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 I don't know if you should "demand" less contact but I would certainly be concerned as to why she needs to talk to him so much. Two months ago on the "still miss me" is too long to really deal with now, but I think you have a valid concern over her contact especially when the two of you are in disagreement with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Am I paranoid in my concerns over my wife's relationship with her ex? I agree with mjk: you're NOT being paranoid about your wife's continuing flirtation with her ex. As for what you should do, you're in a bind. Her ex is the father of the young boy, so those 3 will always be linked. I would ask her to reduce the non-kid based contact with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 QUICKLY, SWIM AWAYYYYY!!!!! before you have children with this woman It is difficult to understand what transpired during your courtship since one would guess that during this time she was also in constant contact with ex-alcoholic husband, but suppose love is blind. But now, amigo, you have a chance to swim for shore before you're in too deep. Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Alcoholics are not made nor unmade overnight, and a woman who marries one and has a child by him generally has many emotional issues prior to the marriage. She may have freed herself from the marriage legally, but her apparent dependency on him speaks volumes. Was her father (or even her mother....or both?) an alcoholic? Has she any addictions? As well, do you have any addicitions or personality disorders? Were either of your parents addicts to anything? Most people tend to "run home to mama" during times of stress: we go back to what is familiar to us. If the familiar is unhealthy, we are simply reinforcing those patterns. If both of you are open to change, I would suggest professional counseling. This can take some time...there are many "professionals" out there, from the MS all the way up to the psychologist. If the first one (or two or three or four) are not individuals you can both feel comfortable with, keep searching. Had I not finally found the "right" one, I'd have been dead many years since...and I'm a psych major with a masters in industrial. My mother is an alcoholic and my father a valium addict. Both had abusive parents with their own addicitons. She's passive-aggressive and he's a sociopath. I have had my own dealings with addictions and will spend the rest of my life fighting them. It took me 45 years to fight free, and painful as it was it was worth it. I hope you both will find peace. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Hello, I think you have major problems here. It really sounds like she has never really gotten over her ex-husband. The fact that you heard her asking if he still misses her and she misses him is very sad. Up to and during the wedding she was staying in contact is also another red flag. I am guessing based on the limited facts here is that she is still in love with the ex and was looking for someone to help her financially. Look do you really think this would be acceptable to her if the roles were reversed? Anytime you get into a fight she contacts her ex and is contacting him to find out if he misses her? This may sound harsh but I think you may have made a mistake. Please get your finances in order. She is disrespecting you. I also would be very suspicious. Are you sure she has not been in physical contact with him? I think you need to protect yourself. We all make mistakes in our lives. If you feel this was a mistake then cut it now and move on. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
figuringitout Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I agree with many of the postings here. Get your stuff together and go to the nearest exit. I feel sorry for her. Anyone who was married to an alcoholic has had a tough road. I feel worse for the child. However, they are NOT a reason for you to blow your life away. There is nothing that you can do. She needs to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up. There is a lot more here than you can "see." It can be a long, painful process sharing a life with a person while they try to understand their past, process it and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
DaddyLongLegs Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 It is one thing to meet and greet when it is time for the kid to be exchanged at weekends. Its another entirely for her to be in good social graces with him. One of two things is happening she wants him or he wants her. It is up to her to say no and she obviously isnt doing that, furthermore she is willing to risk your relationship on that. Make an ultimatum that she stop, then have a detective make sure that she did. If she didnt dump her and get on to a less deceitful woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Eegads! Ditto, Ditto, Ditto......But before you make your escape, if that is what you want to do, imo, you need to speak to her about her co-dependent behavior with her ex. If you love her, and wish to remain in the marriage, then you have a lot of work to do. What I hope for you is that she loves you enough to make your marriage work. Link to post Share on other sites
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