bananaboat11 Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 (edited) Hey all - Kind of new to these forums... I've been posting over in the 'breakup section' and the users have been VERY helpful with the coping. Quick backstory - just got out of a very mentally abusive, verbally demeaning relationship. I was a 4.5 month rebound, I suspect... complimented for the sexual relationship and nothing more... despite her "almost loving me". The original story here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216034/ ... I was dumped after a 3 day break and getting back together with to a "I love you" (finally after 4.5 months) and then she went home.. the next morning. Dumped via FB. Now I'm not trying to sound arrogant, conceited, etc... as I've done a lot of self reflection, etc, etc... and I've gotten a few objective opinions from those cynical friends I have and from a professional psychologist (as this past relationship took a toll on me emotionally)... I feel I'm entering into the coping/healing phase and beginning not to care, but still experience ups & downs... however not as often as I once had. It's been 3 months since we split... and 3 solid months of no contact (although during month 1 I tried to send a platonic email to re-establish at least some minor form of communication... a friend of hers replied back saying I'm crazy.. delusional and making up the relationship and the ex NEVER cared for me... makes me wonder if this is true... but anyhow...) Since this breakup... I don't know... I see myself.. people tell me I'm this great catch... women are drawn to me apparently and I don't see it. I'm about 6'1", 190 lbs w/ a 8-9% body fat (I work out)... I am supposedly caring and sweet.. suffering a few Nice Guy Syndrome symptoms... (which is a bad thing IMO), not a womanizer/misogynist, I respect women and love a woman who is career oriented and independent, I give as much as I want to take in a relationship w/ a sense of companionship, I dress well, I have a good sense of hygiene, I know my face is symmetrical, I'm a graduate student (so I'm not exactly an idiot), I'm sensible, I have a sense of adventure... but I'm kind of limited by my academic status/lifestyle, I DJ as a hobbyist, but I'm trying to get a residency spot now... I'm a certified personal trainer... and I am definitely not lacking in the bedroom (my psycho, abusive sexual ex always complimented that part of our relationship.... makes me suspect I was a rebound even more..) I know I'm heartsick / not healthy now.. and healthy attracts... but to have these qualities... I have been told by women that they're glad they gave me a chance (but we're in the friend's zone now)... because if they didn't... they'd never have considered me a person. They called me a "poet in a jock's body"... great image I portray. ugh Thanks for reading.. listening... whatever. Man, I used to have such a sense of confidence w/ out this esteem of doubt in my voice and a non-arrogant confidence. I've been told the way I walk into a room with a smile on my face and my head held high gives others confidence.. and that felt good, but since my breakup.. I don't feel that anymore Edited January 10, 2010 by bananaboat11 Link to post Share on other sites
amagordos Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Hi you do sound like a great catch. You have qualities that lots of people would find appealing, so I don't see why should be afraid to try again. Just live your life and enjoy every moment and when you find someone that is worth it go for it again. I have never been in a relationship, so I don't know how hard and emotional they can be, but i have seen how my cousin has suffered a lot because of jerkish boyfriends and that has made me terrified of them.Still, like the jackson five say, One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 (edited) Why am I so terrified of rejection? cause every guy is. You're just normal. I've found that the way to get over that is to test your fears. St. Augustine said "do the thing you fear the most, and the death of fear is certain". For me it was skydiving. So DO what you're afraid of. You WILL succeed my friend! Rejections are just fear manifested. Time to conquer your fear my friend you only get one shot in this life. DONT WASTE IT Edited January 11, 2010 by skydiveaddict Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Give me your problems with women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Share Posted January 11, 2010 Give me your problems with women. They're yours. All yours. This emotional roller coaster is NOT worth the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 They're yours. All yours. This emotional roller coaster is NOT worth the sex. You really want to trade places? I don't care about sex, but at least women want you for something; they don't want me for anything. The qualities you posses make you 'highly eligible' as far as women are concerned, and it is only the trauma you have suffered as a result of your last relationship that has got you feeling low. Before you know it, you'll be back on your feet and faced with a great many options in terms of potential partners. I, on the other hand, will wake up tomorrow just as invisible, to all but the most desperate of women, as I am today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Share Posted January 11, 2010 You really want to trade places? I don't care about sex, but at least women want you for something; they don't want me for anything. The qualities you posses make you 'highly eligible' as far as women are concerned, and it is only the trauma you have suffered as a result of your last relationship that has got you feeling low. Before you know it, you'll be back on your feet and faced with a great many options in terms of potential partners. I, on the other hand, will wake up tomorrow just as invisible, to all but the most desperate of women, as I am today. How old are you? Women can sense these things... with an attitude like that... Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 How old are you? Women can sense these things... with an attitude like that... I am a 28 year old realist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted January 11, 2010 Author Share Posted January 11, 2010 I am a 28 year old realist. Be confident... show a little cockiness, but without the arrogance. Link to post Share on other sites
Leonard Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Be confident... show a little cockiness, but without the arrogance. Confidence is the poor man's way to get a woman's attention. Disinterest is the real thing that's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 Confidence is the poor man's way to get a woman's attention. Disinterest is the real thing that's going on. That's IF youre in a relationship already typically Link to post Share on other sites
Leonard Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 That's IF youre in a relationship already typically And it's been proven that women find men who are already taken 31% more attractive than compared to single men. Just so that you don't think that I am pulling numbers out of my ass, lookup the research done by the Oklahoma State University, google it if you have to. That's why you use your girlfriends or friends as leverage to get other women. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 And it's been proven that women find men who are already taken 31% more attractive than compared to single men. Just so that you don't think that I am pulling numbers out of my ass, lookup the research done by the Oklahoma State University, google it if you have to. That's why you use your girlfriends or friends as leverage to get other women. What a mercenary attitude. Regardless, I know that exuding a greater air of confidence would certainly improve my chances, but confidence alone is not sufficient to attract the sort of women I want. With me, it's someone as gorgeous as, say, Jessica Alba, or nobody, and I know that such women are waaay out of my league. I say that, not because I have low self-esteem, -- I like the way I am, and don't want to have the appearance of a 'jock' --, but because I do not possess a surplus of the qualities which women typically look for in a mate. My mate value is low, which means that, in economic terms, I simply cannot afford a woman whose own mate value is exeedingly high, or even only average. So, op, your self-esteem might have taken a hit, but it seems that until now you were pretty happy to be you, and you should take comfort in the knowledge that you don't have to change who you are in order to attract women. Link to post Share on other sites
Leonard Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 What a mercenary attitude. Regardless, I know that exuding a greater air of confidence would certainly improve my chances, but confidence alone is not sufficient to attract the sort of women I want. With me, it's someone as gorgeous as, say, Jessica Alba, or nobody, and I know that such women are waaay out of my league. I say that, not because I have low self-esteem, -- I like the way I am, and don't want to have the appearance of a 'jock' --, but because I do not possess a surplus of the qualities which women typically look for in a mate. My mate value is low, which means that, in economic terms, I simply cannot afford a woman whose own mate value is exeedingly high, or even only average. So, op, your self-esteem might have taken a hit, but it seems that until now you were pretty happy to be you, and you should take comfort in the knowledge that you don't have to change who you are in order to attract women. A mercenary attitude is not so bad compared to when women are being so shallow that you can walk in a puddle of them and not get your feet wet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bananaboat11 Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 What a mercenary attitude. Regardless, I know that exuding a greater air of confidence would certainly improve my chances, but confidence alone is not sufficient to attract the sort of women I want. With me, it's someone as gorgeous as, say, Jessica Alba, or nobody, and I know that such women are waaay out of my league. I say that, not because I have low self-esteem, -- I like the way I am, and don't want to have the appearance of a 'jock' --, but because I do not possess a surplus of the qualities which women typically look for in a mate. My mate value is low, which means that, in economic terms, I simply cannot afford a woman whose own mate value is exeedingly high, or even only average. So, op, your self-esteem might have taken a hit, but it seems that until now you were pretty happy to be you, and you should take comfort in the knowledge that you don't have to change who you are in order to attract women. Then try making a superficial change to boost your confidence. I did... dyed my hair black. More women are telling me I'm "hot" now as opposed to "cute" or "sexy boy" It's amazing what a new hairstyle.. or hair color or warddrobe could do to you. Exonerate your GOOD features! Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 What a mercenary attitude. Regardless, I know that exuding a greater air of confidence would certainly improve my chances, but confidence alone is not sufficient to attract the sort of women I want. With me, it's someone as gorgeous as, say, Jessica Alba, or nobody, and I know that such women are waaay out of my league. I say that, not because I have low self-esteem, -- I like the way I am, and don't want to have the appearance of a 'jock' --, but because I do not possess a surplus of the qualities which women typically look for in a mate. My mate value is low, which means that, in economic terms, I simply cannot afford a woman whose own mate value is exeedingly high, or even only average. Have you ever considered that your approach is some kind of deeply imbedded defense mechanism. 1. I want A 2. I know I'm never going to be good enough to get A 3. B will never be enough for me. It's A or nothing. 4. Giveup and become depressed because it's A or nothing. See the issue with this chain of reason? It basically sets you up for failure and gives you and excuse for doing so. "my mate value is low" doesn't speak to me of someone with great self-esteem. Sometimes, we have to be careful that "Its just how I am" doesn't simply become a cop out. You can say "woe as me" till the cows come home, but it won't change a damn thing. You weren't born beautiful. You weren't born with a "jocks" body or rich and famous. Most of us weren't. You can either spend your life being miserable about the fact, or take stock and work with what you have. I will never be a super model. I'll never life in a huge house and screw movie stars for fun. That's not my journey. I've dated amazing women. Smart, vibrant , FUN woman. None of them looked like Jessica Alba. But you know what.. it didn't matter. I loved them just the same and they loved me. You have a choice in all this. Yes, you *can* choose what to focus your attention and energy on. If I'm missing an arm, I can spend my life going on about it.. or I can suck it up, accept it and learn to make do. You want things to change? You sick of where you are? Then suck it up and *do* something different. Start by *thinking* differently. I wish you luck man. I know the road isn't easy. But it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 "my mate value is low" doesn't speak to me of someone with great self-esteem. When I say that "my mate value is low", this is not the same thing as saying that my self-worth is low, it simply means that as far as a particular group are concerned (in this case, women), I lack the qualities which they consider to be of value. By way of analogy, I could also say that my status among radical Islamists is quite low, given that I am an atheist, feminist, champion of secularism, and so on. They dislike me for things that I like in myself, and I certainly do not aspire to possess the qualities which would endear me to them (blind faith, anti-semitism, misogyny, etc.). Likewise, I am glad that I was born without a jock's physique, because despite what women might think, I find such a physique very unappealing -- I like my slim build and rather feminized features, even if women don't. In both cases, the reasons I am not favoured by either of these groups is not because I am not "good enough", it's just because I do not meet their definition of the ideal human being. The problem is that while I strongly dislike radical Islamists, I happen to like women a whole lot, and wish that they liked me enough that the ones I am attracted to would give me a chance to enjoy their company. If the price I had to pay, though, to become more attractive to women meant changing myself in ways that go against what I feel comfortable with, then the price would be too high. The other option would be to, as you say, 'think differently', -- i.e. lower my standards --, but I won't do that. Being true to myself has always been one of the highest priorities in life, even when doing so has meant enduring a lot of sacrifice and hardship. You're right in saying that I do have a choice in all of this, and I have chosen not to compromise, even knowing that I will always be alone as a consequence... it's just that this is one burden that I find too excrutiating to bear gracefully, and so I come on here and whine about it Link to post Share on other sites
bluestraps Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Man ...I hear the women are HOT down under. ! ............................I can't believe what Im reading in this thread. Think you feel bad about yourself. My girlfriend left me for my friend who has no car, lives with his mom, is not really smart, has a dead end part time job, and not particularly attractive . as far as I can tell has no future. She cheated on me with him.I am I think 80% handsome, I have a car. I am inteligent I am a college student planning on having a career in Business Managment or Computer systems management . Fun to be with, taking her out to dinner, buy her things when I can, and she trounces on me for a idiot. We all get stomped on. Hey Purgi !!! listen babe... You sound like a smart guy. This is not bull#$^& Look in the Mirror . You cant change the way you look. Your face you cant unless you want to spend crazy money . Atitude is what you need .God made you just like you are,... well your parents did. But that besides the point. You are equal to anyone else.Do you know why.You are a individual. God has given you talents no one else has . next please..... Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Man ...I hear the women are HOT down under. ! ............................I can't believe what Im reading in this thread. Think you feel bad about yourself. My girlfriend left me for my friend who has no car, lives with his mom, is not really smart, has a dead end part time job, and not particularly attractive . as far as I can tell has no future. She cheated on me with him.I am I think 80% handsome, I have a car. I am inteligent I am a college student planning on having a career in Business Managment or Computer systems management . Fun to be with, taking her out to dinner, buy her things when I can, and she trounces on me for a idiot. We all get stomped on. Hey Purgi !!! listen babe... You sound like a smart guy. This is not bull#$^& Look in the Mirror . You cant change the way you look. Your face you cant unless you want to spend crazy money . Atitude is what you need .God made you just like you are,... well your parents did. But that besides the point. You are equal to anyone else.Do you know why.You are a individual. God has given you talents no one else has . next please..... Sorry to hear of your misfortune, but read above: I don't feel bad about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
randall Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 Sorry to hear of your misfortune, but read above: I don't feel bad about myself. Your posts on this forum say a completely different story. You seem to be full of self-loathing, at least about being born male. You've even posted that you hate being in a male body. Your other posts hold men in low regard whilst putting women on a pedastal. Your posts on this forum do not indicate someone who feels good about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
DiscoChick Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 Rejection hurts when you are younger or just plain care. After I got over the idea that I would be humiliated (which I wasn't) I don't mind rejection so much. At least try. Can't remember that quote, but you can't gain anything from not doing anything. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 Your posts on this forum say a completely different story. You seem to be full of self-loathing, at least about being born male. You've even posted that you hate being in a male body. Your other posts hold men in low regard whilst putting women on a pedastal. Your posts on this forum do not indicate someone who feels good about himself. Previous posts are not necessarily indicative of my current state of mind. Someone on these very forums helped me to understand that I didn't hate being a man so much as the expectation that I should be a manly man; I am comfortable being a girly man, I just wish that it didn't lower my desirability among the female populace more than might otherwise be the case... but that is true of many aspects of my personality and lifestyle. It is true, though, that I still hold men in fairly low regard, while holding women in high regard. That is partly because I have an affinity for femininity and an aversion to masculinity, and partly because of the resentment I have toward the types of men that women typically do regard as being desirable. Link to post Share on other sites
randall Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 Previous posts are not necessarily indicative of my current state of mind. Someone on these very forums helped me to understand that I didn't hate being a man so much as the expectation that I should be a manly man; I am comfortable being a girly man, I just wish that it didn't lower my desirability among the female populace more than might otherwise be the case... but that is true of many aspects of my personality and lifestyle. It is true, though, that I still hold men in fairly low regard, while holding women in high regard. That is partly because I have an affinity for femininity and an aversion to masculinity, and partly because of the resentment I have toward the types of men that women typically do regard as being desirable. Fair enough., I'm happy that you're comfortable with yourself in this regard. However I think your appeal to women, and people in general, could be greatly improved by not having such unqualified regard for women simply because they are female. Likewise, having resentment to other men is also not helping your situation with women either. It may not be what you want to hear but the women I know like men who get along with other men and do 'guy' things. They dislike men who are loners or who only want to hang out with girls. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 Fair enough., I'm happy that you're comfortable with yourself in this regard. However I think your appeal to women, and people in general, could be greatly improved by not having such unqualified regard for women simply because they are female. Likewise, having resentment to other men is also not helping your situation with women either. It may not be what you want to hear but the women I know like men who get along with other men and do 'guy' things. They dislike men who are loners or who only want to hang out with girls. It's not 'unqualified', exactly, because there are certainly plenty of women that I don't like. Persons of a female persuasion start off with a greater amount of positive capital in my estimation, but said capital is subject to increase or decrease based on a multitude of considerations other than gender. Only those individauls who are women, though, can really stir the deepest and most delicate of my emotions -- that much is true. As for your second point: I think that the vast majority of women, not just the ones you know, would feel the same way, but too bad. There are many things about myself that I am not only open to working on, but I'm not going to do things that don't appeal to me just to enhance my appeal to others. I have no interest whatever in doing 'guy things' or even spending a great deal of time with other men, any more than I have an interest in 'pumping iron' at the gym. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 To Purgatori: I like that you have a different take on gender roles and masculinity than what is typically found - it kind of breaks up the monotony in what I see to be the truth in a lot of mens' minds. I can't tell you the amount of men that try to flaunt their muscles, their athleticism and their wallets toward me and it's starting to seem like a shallow flaunting of their feathers, you know? I love men deeply, but I find that a lot of them want to flaunt their feathers to see if they can get you, and as soon as they know they can, they're off to see if they can do "better." To the OP: You're just hurting right now. I think you'll be fine and back to your glorious old self in a few months at most. Link to post Share on other sites
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