Why am I so terrified of rejection?

[purgatori]

To Purgatori: I like that you have a different take on gender roles and masculinity than what is typically found - it kind of breaks up the monotony in what I see to be the truth in a lot of mens' minds. I can't tell you the amount of men that try to flaunt their muscles, their athleticism and their wallets toward me and it's starting to seem like a shallow flaunting of their feathers, you know? I love men deeply, but I find that a lot of them want to flaunt their feathers to see if they can get you, and as soon as they know they can, they're off to see if they can do "better."

 

The pattern you describe is fairly typical of species where one sex bears the lion's share of the burden in the rearing of offspring. At most, women can only have one child every eighteen months, and each child consumes a vast amount of resources in terms of time, energy, and material. Men, on the other hand, can impregnate dozens of women during the course of one day, and need not take an active role in subsequent child-rearing, as impregnating a large number of women means that there is a high probability that at least some of the offspring will reach a sufficient age to pass on the male's genetic material to the next generation, and so on.

 

According to this strategy, the most successful males will be those who can either a) forcefully engage in intercourse with the most women (which, evidence suggests, was common practice throughout much of the history of our species), or b) possess strong indicators of genetic fitness, intrasexual competition capability, and resource-gathering proficiency, (the 'feathers' that you spoke of) such that their visible 'mate value' is sufficiently impressive to convince a large number of women to bed them willingly.

 

Of course these behaviors/strategies have been mediated and modified by environmental influences and sexual selection (mostly directed by women), so that the 'mating dance' that our species engages in is, or has become, far more diverse and complicated than this rather simple template allows. All the same, these ancient evolutionary imperatives are deeply woven into our biology, and many men still pursue the strategy of mating with as many women as possible -- although they experience it subjectively as the pursuit of sexual gratification. The loss of interest that follows a successful attempt to woo a woman is another feature of the strategy outlined above, in that it promotes a 'disengaging' behavior that limits attachment to any one particular woman. This is one of the reasons that some men find it difficult to be monogamous in long-term relationships; there are reasons why some women find it difficult too, but that is a topic for another discussion.

 

As for my different take on gender/masculinity... well, yes, I guess so... but then, I am a 'different take' in my very makeup. All males are exposed to differering levels of androgenic hormones throughout development, with greater amounts leading to the development of more typically masculine features and traits, and the suppression of typically feminine traits and features. If an individual, regardless of their chromosomal configuration, receives little to no androgenic hormones, particularly during gestation, then they will develop exclusively female characteristics. As such, I can only surmise that I have been subjected to lesser amounts of these hormones during my development than most, and that is why I am not very masculine, either physically or psychologically. Socialization and psyche have huge roles to play as well, and my sometimes chose/sometimes imposed status as an 'outsider', coupled with an above-averge intellect lead me to question a lot of what is taken for granted in mainstream culture -- including gender roles. At the same time, however, I am not exempt from at least some of the less desirable traits of my sex.

[bluestraps]

There are two ends of the spectrum. Some women like more masculine men , some like more sensitive but a ballance between both is what you want. Most all women think a sense of humor is sexy, You sound like you have none.

[purgatori]

There are two ends of the spectrum. Some women like more masculine men , some like more sensitive but a ballance between both is what you want. Most all women think a sense of humor is sexy, You sound like you have none.

 

Au contraire, I have quite a good sense of humor, but these days, I find that there isn't much in my life to laugh about. The few compliments I did receive from when whom I found attractive always included 'funny' among them, but in the end, that didn't count for a whole lot. Not only that, but one soon tires of being the one that these women go to for laughs, meaningful conversation, advice, support, etc. when it is their beefcake boyfriends who have the privilege of a hand to hold.

 

If you didn't have a good sense of humour yourself, surely you wouldn't impugn mine, so why don't you show me the lighter side of the above?

 

Oh and a 'balance between both' is not what *I* want, so I assume when you said 'you' that you actually meant 'you', as in 'I.'

Edited January 16, 2010 by purgatori

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think everyone has a fear of rejection. I know I do. Its hard to put yourself out there. This fear usually stems from low self-esteem or negative experiences which you have to work on and make peace with. I think whilst people are feeling this way, they should forget about men/women/dating and focus on themselves first because adding everything else to the mix only makes it harder.

 

I have a lot to work on at the moment so men are off the list for the forseeable future.