Where Do I Go From Here?

[JustSayYes]

Hi,

 

Long time reader, first time poster.

 

Where do I start? My wife of 16 years (together 20) left me last April 18th, things were only really bad for about six weeks or so before she finally left and the only thing that delayed her leaving was sorting out her house and stuff like that, if she could have left sooner she would. She refused point blank to even contemplate counselling or trying to work things out and I got the usual ILYBINILWU speech.

 

We have three children, 21, 16 and 14. The eldest was under one when we met and he has never known anyone but me as his dad, I have never seen him as any different to the other two and even typing this feels a bit strange. I am just 40 and my wife is almost 43. She looks much younger and is a very attractive woman and had always turned heads.

 

I know for a fact that there was no third party at the time although she has been a little flighty and flirty in the past. We were under severe financial pressure and that was one of the main factors that brought the house of cards down and I should also add that my wife has had a codeine addiction that has gone through various levels of intensity for almost all of our marriage. She tells me that she is not taking anything at the moment and hasn't been for some time, but I am not so sure.

 

After going through the initial pleading stages and asking her to stay I did resolve to try and help her out as much as I could and I even helped her move in to her new house. I gave her as much as she needed from the family home and agreed to almost everything that she asked for. I wanted very much to share the parenting and did not want to be a one night a week dad and I pushed for 50/50 access. This was initially agreed to and was supposed to work on alternate weeks but was changed at my wife's insistence to her doing the weekdays and me the weekends.

 

I was a frequent visitor at her new home (the two houses are only about a five minute walk apart) although she was reluctant about coming back to the family home saying that it was too emotional for her. I was also helping out in any way that I could and I often ran errands and drove my wife to places that she wanted to go and generally tried to be as helpful as I could be, we saw each other every day albeit briefly and I also saw each of the kids every day.

 

Probably the most surprising thing about our separation was that we continued to be intimate and it became almost regular at times. She said that it meant nothing and was only doing it because it felt good and that she didn't want me getting the wrong ideas and that she was gone for good. Naturally it did mean something to me and I was telling myself and still am that it has to mean something. It happened very frequently at times and then there might be a couple of weeks where there was nothing happening at all.

 

I was probably living in a state of denial and just going with the flow but in October last the whole thing went pear shaped again. She was out socialising and I found out later that she had been with someone else, she initially told me it was none of my business but she did eventually confirm it and told me that she didn't sleep with him and that it was nothing, just an ego boost for her and that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet.

 

Things became strained and I pulled back and was no longer making myself available, we also had a huge argument about the access arrangements and she eventually agreed to change them to a split week arrangement so that I have some weekend time too. Naturally the intimacy that we had been sharing stopped once I heard their was a third party on the scene.

 

We did have one brief night of passion after a massive argument in November and again in December when she rang me at 3:00am after being out socialising again. We spent Christmas day together in the family home with the kids and the athmosphere was good but I did find it tough when she left to go back to her own house. Things were a bit strained coming in to the New Year, but last week she rang me late again as she heard a strange noise in her house and she wanted me to check it out and yet again we made love.

 

This past weekend I spent the night with her on Friday and we made love once more, I did probably lay it on too thick about her coming home but she refuses to even contemplate the idea. I did ask her about the relationship with the guy she met in October and while initially she was evasive and dismissive she eventually admitted that she had slept with him the night they met and has met him twice since, the last time in November but that they still exchange texts and talk from time to time.

 

What shocked me was the nature of their relationship, which was basically him calling to her house at her invitation late at night (when the kids were with me) having sex and then leaving. He told her straight up that he wasn't interested in a relationship and she thought she wasn't either but she says she stopped doing it because she needed something more emotional from it. I told her when she told me all this that I was surprised that she allowed herself to be used like this. I probably should add that the guy is nine years her junior and has a reputation as a bit of a ladies man.

 

I didn't get upset or annoyed at her revelation, she did say that she regrets it not because of its affect on me but just the nature of it. She feels that because we are separated she is free to see and sleep with whoever she likes and so am I for that matter. I havn't been with anyone else for twenty years and I don't even know how I would start to even try.

 

I keep wanting to give her the space she is asking for but it is hard as she has a way of reeling me back in everytime I pull away. The three words she keeps using when we do manage to talk are Anger, Trust and Respect but when she tries to explain what she means by all of those a lot of it does not make sense.

 

I am probably rambling a bit now but I really could do with some help here, I would love for her to come home and I don't know if that will ever happen, I fear my future without her but I know I need to think about that too. So as the thread title says "Where Do I Go From Here?"

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my novel! and I appreciate your help.

 

Cheers

 

JSY

[seibert253]

She's stringing you along my friend, and she will continue to do so for as long as you allow.

 

She cheated on you, plain and simple. The being seperated so I can f$ck who I want is a load of crap. You are still married. You've chosen to stick to those vows, she has not.

 

She will NEVER come home as long as the status quo continues. She has no reason to.

 

IMO you need to smack her with a bit of reality.

 

You need to limit your contact to kids and finances, nothing else. No more "being there", answering when she calls, unannounced visits to your home. Nothing. You need to run silent, run deep. As a matter of fact IMO you should retain and attorney, file and have her served. Seperate you finances, the whole nine yards.

 

Dude, you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting her walk all over you. She's needs a taste of what life will be like without you. If there is any chance of her waking up and coming home, this is the ONLY THING that will snap her back into reality.

 

IMO you need to prepare for life without her and show her what's instore for her without you. If she decides to come home, great. If not, well that's OK to.

[mimidarlin]

I will not judge you because I am certain that I would jump in bed with my husband if he even hinted at being interested. I know I would think it must mean something too though I might be content to have my itch scratched. We can't know what it means to them. We hope it means more so we project. Get counseling if you can afford it. You need to detox and have no contact.

 

You mentioned that she had a codeine addiction off and on well maybe she has addictive behavior in more than one area of her life.

[JustSayYes]

Hi again, and many thanks for your replies.

 

I know she is stringing me along and it is very hard to pull away. I know she needs to "miss me" and I was not doing anything to make that happen.

 

I have been going to counselling and my counsellor finds her behaviour strange to say the least, he thinks that she is not letting me go and that is the reason we end up sleeping with one another.

 

In terms of finances and the kids we have pretty much everything sorted although we are attending mediation next Thursday to formalise our separation agreement.

 

I keep wanting to try NC but with three kids and so much shared history it is pretty difficult.

 

Thanks Again

 

JSY

[overseas2004]

I have to first say I am sorry for your pain. Being on the recieving end of a relationship marriage where my husband did nothing. It is sad to hear about a man like you who married a woman with three kids and was a responsible father, getting zero in return. If and when you are ready, I will be looking for someone just like you

 

But all kidding aside, you do need to stop this because it must be torture for you. That is what brought you here. And dont worry that by doing what the others have suggested, that is, cutting her off that you will chase her away.

 

If she loves you, she wont run away. She will work it out in her head, whatever her little bugs are up there and she willl come back. There is no reason in the world why you have to be together for it to work out. You know that.

 

So be the strong man that you are and do what you need to do.