unexpected pregnancy....

[eml87]

Hi everyone, this is my first post...

 

I am extremely lost, and pretty young (22) and I dont know how I got here.

 

I decided to start going to school about a year and a half ago for graphic communications, I had just got out of a 2 year relationship and I was just starting to really live my life the way I wanted to. and then this happened.

 

I met a guy who was extremely nice and caring, he wasn't the kind of guy I would normally date but to me at the time, that was a good thing. the guys I used to date were pretty full of themselves, and this guy wasnt exactly the best looking guy, but he seemed to be what I needed at the time. After a couple of months of dating I got pregnant. I always thought that if I got pregnant before I was really ready that I would make the hard decision to "do something about it" but I couldnt. I felt that our relationship had been going really well, and he promised me up and down that he would do anything to make it work, he would provide for our baby no matter what. He said he loved me and everything would work out. I believed him. Two months into the pregnancy I kind of freaked out and thought its not too late, I can get out of this, but I didn't. I felt that ok, this is my fault now, and I shouldnt make this unborn baby suffer. This man and I lets call him my S.O. did pretty well through out my pregnancy. We ended up living with his parents which obviously was something I would have liked to have avoided but financially we had to, my SO graduated with his bachelors but couldnt find a job.

 

I know this is long but there is a lot to consider in my story...

 

So after living with his parents during my pregnancy I discovered a lot about the way he grew up and how his family operates. His father is extremely racist, treats his wife like a maid and is extremely rude to her, and is lazy. His mother treats this situation like its all fine and treats her husband like a king and practically wipes my SO a** and I cant stand it. The worst part about this is that so many anger issues came out in my SO after out relationship progressed, he has a very short temper and cant really take care of himself very well, he expects his mother, and me, to do it all. On top of this I dont feel attracted to him at all anymore, sexually or any other way. I feel like when we met he acted completely different and then I "saw the light" so to speak.

 

Our baby is 7 months old now. I dont know what to do. I am not attracted to him anymore and I dont want my son to have anything to do with his father or his grandparents (my SO's parents). But this is the problem...

I have no where to go and I am not done with school. I have been going ever since I got pregnant and I am currently attending school. I just want the best for my son. I want to keep him away from any external influences that might make him a bad person, I dont want him to be racist like my SO's family. I want him to love other people and be accepting. I dont want him to be a short tempered person who cant do anything for himself.

 

So here are my questions-

1. do you think i'm being shallow because I don't find my SO attractive as he used to be and is there a way to fix it? (he has gained weight and doesnt really try to take care of himself)

2. Does anyone have any experience with being a single mother or leaving their SO and making it on your own? how did you do it? where did you find the strength? etc.

3. Since my SO and I are not married (were engaged) do I have the right to move out of the state with my son without my SO's consent? Do I have the right to keep my son away from his family if I choose to by law?

 

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. If it were just me in this situation I feel like I know I would have gotten out of this relationship a year ago, but I need to do what is best for my son. I need to have a plan. Please help me come up with a good plan to get out of this situation.

 

thanks again.

[Chrome Barracuda]

WTF are you doing, this man no matter how much you hate him has every right to his son!!! wtf is wrong with you!

 

I get that you arent in love with him anymore, I can see why, he is not taking care of you or your son, his father is rasisct and his moms a doormat. I wouldnt want my kid being raised in that situation either.

 

So what you can do is start to take care of yourself. Your S.O. is the way he is to his upbringing. and maybe he can grow up and become a good man, sometimes not but you just cant damn near kidnap his son...

 

It is his son right, then do the right thing, protec your kid, yourself, but foster a good relationship

[overseas2004]

Yes, I am a single mom and I am going through it now with a 20 month old. The only difference between you and me is probably a financial one. Until recently I had a pretty high paying job and was making a load of money. So I was able to take care of my daughter that way. Now that I lost my job the situation is a bit tough. But I will make it through. This whole experience made me tough.

 

My husband and I broke up in August. He was a total good for nothing and didnt work or take care of us. He was also a huge leach. I didnt want my daughter around him, but in my case it was a lot easier since my husband didnt have his citizenship yet in this country and he decided to leave.

 

 

The short answer is this. He can stop you from moving to another state. You do not have the right to keep him from his dad or his grandparents. But remember alot of this stuff is only enforceable once he takes you to court. And that takes time and money, none of which it sounds like this loser has.

 

I would be happy to help you more if you would like. Send me your email in my inbox if you want to chat. I would like to help you in any way that I can.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yes, I am a single mom and I am going through it now with a 20 month old. The only difference between you and me is probably a financial one. Until recently I had a pretty high paying job and was making a load of money. So I was able to take care of my daughter that way. Now that I lost my job the situation is a bit tough. But I will make it through. This whole experience made me tough.

 

My husband and I broke up in August. He was a total good for nothing and didnt work or take care of us. He was also a huge leach. I didnt want my daughter around him, but in my case it was a lot easier since my husband didnt have his citizenship yet in this country and he decided to leave.

 

 

The short answer is this. He can stop you from moving to another state. You do not have the right to keep him from his dad or his grandparents. But remember alot of this stuff is only enforceable once he takes you to court. And that takes time and money, none of which it sounds like this loser has.

 

I would be happy to help you more if you would like. Send me your email in my inbox if you want to chat. I would like to help you in any way that I can.

 

Nothing of what i said was insensitive. it was the truth. Some people cant handle it. She cant just outright kidnap the kid.that aint right.

[tigereyes1428]

i have been a single parent three times and you cannot take your son away from his father.. it worries me that you even think that - you do that and your child will hate you when older as you will never be able to give him back the years with his father - how you feel about your SO is irrelevant your child is not yours he belongs to both of you YOU CREATED HIM TOGETHER. i understand that you dont want to expose your child to negative influences but that is where your confidence in being his mother has to step up. you cant shelter him from anyone whose opinions do not match your own but you can raise him with great morals and to know the difference between right and wrong.

I think that if you were mature enough to make a baby with this man then surely your mature enough to communicate your needs with him regarding his appearance and making some sort of effort to try re kindle what you had together instead of plotting to take someones child from them which is wrong on every level unless you suspect abuse

[Chrome Barracuda]

i have been a single parent three times and you cannot take your son away from his father.. it worries me that you even think that - you do that and your child will hate you when older as you will never be able to give him back the years with his father - how you feel about your SO is irrelevant your child is not yours he belongs to both of you YOU CREATED HIM TOGETHER. i understand that you dont want to expose your child to negative influences but that is where your confidence in being his mother has to step up. you cant shelter him from anyone whose opinions do not match your own but you can raise him with great morals and to know the difference between right and wrong.

I think that if you were mature enough to make a baby with this man then surely your mature enough to communicate your needs with him regarding his appearance and making some sort of effort to try re kindle what you had together instead of plotting to take someones child from them which is wrong on every level unless you suspect abuse

 

And that is the message ive been trying to convey here.

 

Thank you...

[nobmagnet]

being a single parent is tough but if you are strong enough its ok. Please dont take your child away from his dad it would be a big mistake however useless he is. By almeans move out and start alone but to take your son away would be a big mistke and unfair for your son.

 

You need to have an adult chat with your SO. Tell him you are unhappy and why. Work out between you what will be the best solution. Give him a chance to make good the problems.

 

take care

 

nob x

[Gunny376]

In 1995 when I retired from the United States Marine Corps? I could honestly say that I didn't have a "racist" cell in my body.

 

I had to filter that over the course of the years? And I still don't!

 

I do have a problem with "@zzholes" be they black, so called African American, Hispanics, White, Rednecks, and all around "Idiots"

 

@zzhole know no creed, nationality, nor color of skin!

 

But dammit!

 

I just Hate @zzholes! And I don't care where your grandparents where were born! The color of your skin, your religion, zilch!

 

You come by my house with your "system" blasting "Boom! Boom! Boom!

at four o'clock in the morning? Your an @zzhole!

 

You come by with your Z71 Pickup with your loud moutlers at five in the morning?

 

Your an @zzhole!

[Gunny376]

To answer to your specific questions

 

No you cannot deny (with expection) his parential rights

 

No (in some States) you cannot deny his grandparents thier "grand" parents parential rights

 

The divorce rate for couples that got married because the woman was "pregno" is ninety percent.

 

The divorce rate for couples in which the man was younger than 25?

 

Ninety percent.

 

Yes you can move to another state, and yes he can in most cases contest it ~ though its doubtful he's the financial resources to do so.

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

You started out by saying you are pretty young and I think a lot of the way you are seeing this situation right now stems from that fact. (Not to be patronizing). Having a child is hard work no matter what age you are, but when you are young and facing all sorts of other difficulties (financial, living with extended family etc) the stress on both of you is ten fold. Maybe your SO is short tempered b/c of the situation and stress that both of you are experiencing? It would be understandable wouldn't it? He wants to look after you and suuprot you and his son, yet he has to live back at home with his dysfunctional family, how do you think that makes a man feel? It must cut him deep. His unhappiness would explain the weight gain as well.

 

Just b/c his parents are dysfunctional does not mean he is or that he thinks it's OK to be a racist or his mother a doormat. Sure, people learn things from their upbringing, but sometimes they learn how they DON'T want to be, rather than just mirroring their parents behaviour. At the end of the day you are with HIM not his parents.

 

I'm shocked to hear that you want to keep your son from his father and grandparents, unless there is abuse going on, that just isn't right. Your child has a right to his family and they a right to love and cherish him, no matter if they are racist or a doormat,.

 

To be honest and I'm going to dish out a bit of tough love here, b/c I think you can handle it and I think you kind of need to hear it now rather than later (which would be too late when you are full of regrets), I think you need to grow up. Step up to the plate. You're in a situation which is difficult, sure, but now you are you have to be a mother to that child and sometimes that will mean facing hard things. This is one of those things. You need to talk in a calm adult way to your SO, out of the house, not just about how you are feeling, but about how how he is feeling to. I think you will be surprised as to what he has to say about how he feels at the moment. Communication is always the only way through.

[eml87]

I want to clear up what I said in the original post. I was asking because it is a hypothetical situation and I really dont intend on doing so unless I absolutely have to. I just want what is best for my son. Bottom line. I was pretty upset at the time when I wrote that post. I want to work everything out which is why I wrote the post in the first place. I dont want to give up. I want my son to be happy but i'm torn because I want to be happy also. In the beginning, my parents and his were pushing us to get married and I said no, we need more time and I dont want to get married just because I got pregnant. At this time we were also doing much better, he seemed to care about the way he looked and the way he treated me. I also didn't know his parents very well at this time. You can call me irresponsible for having a baby under all of these circumstances. But I will make my sons life the best in can be no matter what. Which is why I asked all of these questions. I will move far away if it means the situation gets worse or that things cant be worked out by means of communication or therapy. I will try as hard as I can.