Why are most women...

[pureinheart]

I suppose a good case in point, and I know it's "my bad" too, please keep in mind at that time I did not understand many things and went about certain things all the wrong ways.

 

My ex cheated on me several times throughout our M, I never told a soul, never spoke of him bad to anyone. He began taking steroid injections and was extremely violent....I have to say so many things uncool happened.

 

I tuned out emotionally because I was taking care of the kids and working 10-12hrs per day 6 and 7 days a week, I had cleaning to do and just didn't have the time for anything. My H worked also, and drank after work most days. I was a partier, although did not have time at this point.

 

In my mind the M was over, now granted, keep in mind I did not talk him down (please I am not saying this to make me any better, just making a point about inferring). I met someone and basically told my H we were done and we split up.....he had the nerve (and yes this is the first time I have really thought about this and am mad now) to go to my mom, his family, our friends and rip me a new one.

 

EVERYBODY hated me and judged me, and wanted nothing to do with me...you know what, in thinking now, good riddance (please forgive my spelling).

 

I realise that they were only hearing one side of the story, but NONE of them EVER asked me what was up with me, they simply got the cross and the nails and did their thing...well I guess I was in good company right?

 

That is why I am at this point hypersensitive about judging others, I realise we need to analize various situations for our own good which does require observations, then deciding what to do...

[Mary3]

I have been sensing the same thing and want to add....how many red flags went up that you chose not to see before getting M.

 

I look back and see many, yet still M them....in fact , because I keep a journal, got to read word for word that I completely understood who this man was before I almost M him....totally freaked me out that I chose to ignore it and went out with him anyway.

 

I will clarify.

 

No man I have ever been with has cheated on me.

 

I am not a cheater .

 

I had a MM lie to me about his status and thus a big mess came about..

 

...I don't know how many married ladies are posting on this thread but of them , very few have responded. If you want to respond ML ( Married Ladies ) please do...

[NoIDidn't]

They were not speaking of a scenario like the one you describe here.. in fact, GG took my factual events and twisted them into a scenario that is NOTHING at all like the actual events, so it is all moot anyway.. LMAO

 

LOL. I was very confused. Maybe I should have read some more of the posts before responding?

 

Oh well.

[silktricks]

I will clarify.

 

No man I have ever been with has cheated on me.

 

I am not a cheater .

 

I had a MM lie to me about his status and thus a big mess came about..

 

...I don't know how many married ladies are posting on this thread but of them , very few have responded. If you want to respond ML ( Married Ladies ) please do...

 

Respond to what?

[NoIDidn't]

That, my friend, is part of why so many of us will never understand each other's points of view. Because we all make assumptions about what is happening in a given situation based upon our own life histories, experiences, and desires.

 

You see her lack of interest in her marriage as a result of him 'sapping her of her vitality'. I see her sapped vitality as a reason for his disinterest in the marriage.

 

He is a very warm, loving, expressive, fun, energetic, outgoing person. When I found out that she was 'uncommunicative and uninvolved' with his friends, I was shocked. His friends are important to him, and he chose to share me with them, and them with me shortly after our friendship blossomed into a love affair. He enjoys the interaction between his friends and I, and adores the fact that his friend's wife and I get along so well. I couldn't imagine being with him, and not being involved in his friendships as well... and I find it odd, knowing his personality that he is married to someone who is not as outgoing as he is.

 

But, I have insight into his character that you are not privy to.

 

I can see where you are coming from, but I just don't agree with your spin on this one.

 

Ummm, what's with the "tone" of this? I am not sure why you are taking offense to what I said. It was pretty cut-and-dry, and not a dig at him or you or her, for that matter.

 

The reason I see him as sapping her vitality is because I've seen it time and time again. I've lived it myself. People don't always start out the way that you see them, or hear of them. Is that so hard to believe?

 

You don't agree with the "spin" I put on it. Fine. I'm just giving your view a different dimension. One you either can't see, or refuse to see. I've been involved with such a man. Heck, I'm still married to him. But unlike your MM that stuck to his guns even when it disrespected his W, be it concerning his friends or his other affairs (pun intended), my H actually saw what it was doing to me and cared that he was losing me.

 

You are singing his praises and basically putting her down. I'm just saying that he has as much to do with the outcome of her lack of vitality as she does. They are in a relationship together. One that HE is also NOT nourishing. Its not all on her. That's what I was saying. No spin. Just a different perspective.

 

If she is so bad, and his marriage is so lifeless, one has to wonder why he stays in it considering what you feel the two of you have together.

 

Editted to Add: Oh, I now see where GG was coming from. I don't agree with her assessment, but I do find his behavior in having her so humiliated with his friends being around you behind his back as well. The more you talk about this, the more the bloom comes off of this affair honestly. I wouldn't be friends with these people either. And I would take everything they say about her with a grain of salt, if I were you. THey obviously have a bone to pick.

Edited January 14, 2010 by NoIDidn't

[Fallen Angel]

Ummm, what's with the "tone" of this? I am not sure why you are taking offense to what I said. It was pretty cut-and-dry, and not a dig at him or you or her, for that matter.

 

The reason I see him as sapping her vitality is because I've seen it time and time again. I've lived it myself. People don't always start out the way that you see them, or hear of them. Is that so hard to believe?

 

You don't agree with the "spin" I put on it. Fine. I'm just giving your view a different dimension. One you either can't see, or refuse to see. I've been involved with such a man. Heck, I'm still married to him. But unlike your MM that stuck to his guns even when it disrespected his W, be it concerning his friends or his other affairs (pun intended), my H actually saw what it was doing to me and cared that he was losing me.

 

You are singing his praises and basically putting her down. I'm just saying that he has as much to do with the outcome of her lack of vitality as she does. They are in a relationship together. One that HE is also NOT nourishing. Its not all on her. That's what I was saying. No spin. Just a different perspective.

 

If she is so bad, and his marriage is so lifeless, one has to wonder why he stays in it considering what you feel the two of you have together.

 

Editted to Add: Oh, I now see where GG was coming from. I don't agree with her assessment, but I do find his behavior in having her so humiliated with his friends being around you behind his back as well. The more you talk about this, the more the bloom comes off of this affair honestly. I wouldn't be friends with these people either. And I would take everything they say about her with a grain of salt, if I were you. THey obviously have a bone to pick.

 

Frankly, i don't see that my 'tone' was anything other than an honest open discussion about the fact that we see this from a different perspective.

 

And I don't see what I said that was 'basically putting her down' I am pretty sure that if you were to read through all of my posts EVER written here, that I have never said a truly disparaging word about her. How is it that I am writing about the disconnect between them, and the fact that other people have told me about that disconnect, and that is turned into me 'putting her down'? I do not understand that!

 

And if you had really read what I have written, I said that she was like that towards his best friend, and the best friend's wife BEFORE I was involved with MM. Not only that, but she would have NO CLUE as to the fact that this other couple knows me now, or even knows OF me. Why wouldn't he introduce me to them? They are some of his closest friends... but in all that time his wife has made no attempt to befriend them. He enjoys their company, and mine, as a result, he knew that they and I would get along well, and he was right.

 

And you are right, people do not always start out that way, but my point to you is that she was that way before I ever entered the picture. So whatever caused her to be 'sapped of her vitality' it had absolutely nothing to do with his affair with me.

 

As to why he stays, it seems like everytime someone wants to "win" a point with me, they always throw that out there, I think I have answered that as many times as is ever needed. *shrug* i refuse to argue about it...

 

I am curious though as to what you think their "bone" is, that needs picking?

[bentnotbroken]

Cool (for referrence sake the entire quote is #156). I don't get into legalism. Most don't like Joel Osteen because they say he is a "feel good" preacher...well I think people feel bad enough and have been beaten up enough that I am grateful that he is out there to shed a different light.

 

Jesus hung out with the sinners like me, the people who have it all together don't need Him. I don't have it all together and do need Him.

 

 

I did read the entire quote, but your point of reference was the one I was most interested in. I understand, again thanks. And Joel is great, along with a few others.

[fooled once]

So the W "has a past" with the MM and so she stays. A past is not a future, or necessarily even a present - I'm quite happy to leave my past in the past, and enjoy my present in positive anticipation of my future.

 

Perhaps if people were not so stuck in the past, moving on to better things would be easier.

Perhaps

 

Perhaps not.

 

I have a past that I can't forget -- that past gave me a child. to forget the past would be to forget the child. No thanks, I will keep the past

 

Additionally -- MY past made me who I am today. And my husband thinks that is a pretty great person. So again, I will keep my past. Without it, without my first marriage, then the affair I was in, I wouldn't have found my husband. I am always grateful for my past, not resentful for it.

[fooled once]

I guess it depends on the circumstances.

 

If I was friends with one partner, but not with their spouse, I'd understand your reasoning (assuming I was friends with the BS and not the WS. Were I friends with the WS, as it seems the couple who assisted in the A must have been, clearly things would be different).

 

If I was friends of both partners, I would continue to be friends with both of then (separately) subsequently, and - if the new partner made my friend happy, I'd welcome them. I don't see that as a conflict. It's not like high school where you have to choose sides. Adult life does allow for nuances and subtleties.

 

This is actually funny because every divorced person I know always wondered at the time of divorce who got to keep which friends.

 

I am NOT friendly with my ex's family or HIS friends that he had prior to our divorce (and there was no cheating done in our marriage).

 

NOR is my ex friendly with my family or MY friends that I had prior to our marriage; nor the 'common' friends we shared during our marriage.

 

MOST friends that are met during a divorce DO end up taking a side. It is actually a quite common occurrence.

[pureinheart]

This is actually funny because every divorced person I know always wondered at the time of divorce who got to keep which friends.

 

I am NOT friendly with my ex's family or HIS friends that he had prior to our divorce (and there was no cheating done in our marriage).

 

NOR is my ex friendly with my family or MY friends that I had prior to our marriage; nor the 'common' friends we shared during our marriage.

 

MOST friends that are met during a divorce DO end up taking a side. It is actually a quite common occurrence.

 

Wow what a trip, you are kidding? What a bumber! First let me clarify I have many ex's, I have been cheated on a lot and am unable to resume the relationship due to that...ok with that said I made a statement (I think in this thread) after a break up my ex talked mess about me and everyone jacked me....well the conclusion of that was I let it go understanding that they did not have all of the facts...so even with the D I remained friends with the entire family, and I might add it was real.

 

There was one friend that we both had that did take his side, although that worked for me because she was a gossip, busibody that I think needed a life because she had too much time on her hands. As for everyone else, no one took sides and I see many of our old friends and talk to them from time to time. All of my friends always though this ex was cool and like him still and ask about him....my ex and me are friends and he just got M again so I won't be talking to himn anymore unless it pertains to our daughter (like an emergancy) so that his new W will not get the wrong idea. I talk to his mom regularly and she is coming to stay with me next year when she visits all of us and his sister....his sister which I worked with for a time and had lunch together here and there.

 

My sons dad is a sweetheart, I love him to death and get along with all of his family, and here again it's very real....I talk to his new W sometimes and him every now and then to catch them up on the kid and such....I really like his W, he picked a keeper, that is for sure. I still run into friends we had and everyone is cool.

 

My other ex I have not seen in a few years, although after the D ran into his family and exchanged numbers and we talked back and forth a bit, although you know how life can go, you just loose touch....everything was cool with friends.

 

My other ex I haven't talked to in a couple of years, but we all left on good terms and everyone knew him and me and all is well too, no one talks mess nothing.

 

I am very easy to get along with, I speak my mind and will not gossip about anyone, if I see something way out of line I say it, but mostly keep to myself.

 

Oh there is another ex that his sister really screwed me over on a business deal after I was trying to do HER a favor, I drew the line and she did not like that so she does not like me...oh well....but me and the ex get along great...oh man, he is hot.....

 

Ya, I like all of my ex's and friends and they like me too and it is not fake or a show....and if exMM/(if I take a dime out of my wallet it will kill me) and I don't work, I will like him too and right now I cannot see me liking his ex, but ya never know~!

[OWoman]

I have a past that I can't forget -- that past gave me a child. to forget the past would be to forget the child. No thanks, I will keep the past

 

If you lost a child, sure, I can understand clinging to the past to cling to the memory of a lost child.

 

My children are living, and so very much a part of my present. I have no need to cling to my past to enjoy my children.

 

This is actually funny because every divorced person I know always wondered at the time of divorce who got to keep which friends.

 

I am NOT friendly with my ex's family or HIS friends that he had prior to our divorce (and there was no cheating done in our marriage).

 

NOR is my ex friendly with my family or MY friends that I had prior to our marriage; nor the 'common' friends we shared during our marriage.

 

MOST friends that are met during a divorce DO end up taking a side. It is actually a quite common occurrence.

 

Wow! It's very different in the circles I move in! Clearly there are exceptions - in my H's case, the friends clearly chose to sever all links with her, but then they didn't like her before, merely tolerated her for his sake - but every other couple that I know didn't have to split the friends like some kind of asset to be transferred, on D. I'm still friends with all of my xH's family and his prior friends, and he may well be with mine, it's not really something that comes up and not something anyone would feel necessary to discuss. He moved to a different city so lost touch with many people but does still have intermittent contact with some. Similarly I'm friends with many former couples, and their new partners, and in only one case was there ever bitching about the other party - where I had to remind them that I was a friend to the other party too.

[NoIDidn't]

Frankly, i don't see that my 'tone' was anything other than an honest open discussion about the fact that we see this from a different perspective.

 

And I don't see what I said that was 'basically putting her down' I am pretty sure that if you were to read through all of my posts EVER written here, that I have never said a truly disparaging word about her. How is it that I am writing about the disconnect between them, and the fact that other people have told me about that disconnect, and that is turned into me 'putting her down'? I do not understand that!

 

And if you had really read what I have written, I said that she was like that towards his best friend, and the best friend's wife BEFORE I was involved with MM. Not only that, but she would have NO CLUE as to the fact that this other couple knows me now, or even knows OF me. Why wouldn't he introduce me to them? They are some of his closest friends... but in all that time his wife has made no attempt to befriend them. He enjoys their company, and mine, as a result, he knew that they and I would get along well, and he was right.

 

And you are right, people do not always start out that way, but my point to you is that she was that way before I ever entered the picture. So whatever caused her to be 'sapped of her vitality' it had absolutely nothing to do with his affair with me.

 

As to why he stays, it seems like everytime someone wants to "win" a point with me, they always throw that out there, I think I have answered that as many times as is ever needed. *shrug* i refuse to argue about it...

 

I am curious though as to what you think their "bone" is, that needs picking?

 

 

I never said her demeanor was due to YOU or the A. I said it was due to HIM, his treatment of her. Just like your current demeanor is due to HIM, his treatment of YOU. You say the friends say she was that way before, and all I am saying is that she likely was, she was still married to him and they have been married for some time. You have no idea of how their marriage got into the state that its in. Its easy for you, and me, to assume she is just "blah". But I've seen how the state of your primary relationship can really drag you down if its bad enough. He claims it did it to him, but he was away most of the time without being left with all of the responsibilities of family life. But if you believe his claim, why not consider that she has been dragged down as well?

 

 

 

I stand by the fact that it is a HUGE amount of disrespect to his W, family, and marriage to introduce you to his friends while you guys carry on an affair. I don't say that in judgment of you, so don't read that into my saying so. That they so readily accept you and keep your relationship hidden from her, says, to me, that they don't like her. That is their "bone". I would take everything they say with a grain of salt. I have learned that every dog that brings a bone, will take that bone elsewhere. If they say such about her, don't be surprised to hear they have said anything negative about you is what I am saying.

Edited January 15, 2010 by NoIDidn't