Can you date a recovering addict?

[taintedmet]

I am widowed and am thirty years old. I have a son of three.

 

Shortly after my wife died I made friends with what turned out to be my current partner (she is 37).

 

Shortly after meeting her she told me she was a recovering addict and that she has suffered with both bulimia and also a class C drug addiction.

She just received her six year badge in November. (Although she is on a cocktail of prescriptions from mood stabilisers to an underactive thyroid)

 

Her father had committed suicide when she was fairly young and given my own circumstances, I soon found that there was a great deal we could share and that I could learn from her with regards to the grieving process.

 

Once we took our friendship to the next level, it has been a constant battle with her regarding what she terms as her acceptance of responsibilities.

She claims that she is still emotionally a child, and that her emotional age is still what it was when she started her addictive behaviour (Bulimia, 14). She has been seeing a therapist twice a week for the last four and a half years, and given where she claims she was both emotionally and mentally at that point, she believes that she has progressed steadily with a healthy recovery through her therapist.

 

At first I did nothing but applaud her efforts and support her fully with both her therapist and her recovery, attending both family support groups, as well as joining her at her various meetings and getting to know the people involved in her recovery.

 

All of her friends she has met though recovery; there is not a single person who she associates with apart from her family members who are not recovering addicts.

As a single father who is not classed as an addict, this can be tiresome.

 

This became a major issue of contention, this and her therapist.

After attending therapy she reaches deep points of depression, with constant fits of crying, and when I ask her what is wrong, all I get told is that she is "dealing with stuff".

On a few very rare occasions she has told me that for example one issue is that because she was unhappy with her mother in her childhood she has replaced the therapist as her central mother figure. Another is that she has to be reminded that I am not her daddy and that she has to be responsible for her actions, another is that she deals with separation anxiety, like a three year old would.

The therapist is very specific about the times she is allowed to see her, and also about contact when she is not scheduled for her appointments.

She has even discussed the definition of a restraining order with her therapist.

 

Is this normal?

 

I am a man, so by definition, a born idiot. Which in most respects is true depending which side of the fence you’re sitting on.

From the beginning of our relationship she has claimed that she has felt nothing but pressure with regards to our relationship.

 

I have been nothing but elated at meeting someone, who at first I considered someone I could happily spend my life with.

Given the fact that I have a toddler, and that I am a single parent, I could imagine that she could at times feel overwhelmed, and I can also see how she would feel when sometimes I have applied undue pressure on her with regards to our home life.

 

The reality of the situation however is that she accepted this and such my son has come to see her as his mother.

 

Our relationship has been teetering along with a variable cycle of her meetings, her therapist, her friends and my needs with regards to running a household and ensuring that my son is mentally and emotionally cared for while ensuring that I don’t have a nervous brake down.

 

All through our relationship it has been me wanting to build a life with my new partner, and her wanting time and space to adjust and deal with her recovery, and I can promise you that it has been quite an emotional roller coaster.

 

A few months ago I discovered that if I do not return to Europe for a year I will loose my residential status, and by default my citizenship there.

She told me that it was important for me to secure my citizenship there and that she would support my decision to go.

 

A little time after that she approached me and told me that we should get married and go together. (She has been divorced for six years already).

 

This seemed like a perfect solution, and is something I really wanted. This was an extremely happy moment for me.

I proceeded to surprise her with an engagement ring, only to have to witness absolute shock register on her face.

She accepted the ring, only to come to me exactly two days later and tell me that she has rushed into this due to the pressure of the situation and the fact that she was only trying to "people please" when she suggested that we both go in the first place.

 

There has been a raucous round of arguments almost daily since then.

Her demands have become more difficult and unpredictable as the days wear on.

From her proposing getting married in court to me and moving overseas together, she now wants to stay here and we must have a big wedding (this apart from the fact that I will have two households to support, as well as relocation costs).

Her demands have been inconsistent and change on a daily basis, sometimes she claims that she will stay here for two years and that I must marry her when I get back, to her wanting to go with me immediately to her wanting to come over for a couple of weeks when I am settled there and then arranging the wedding.

All the while wanting a big wedding.

 

I am stuck between my sons well being and her inconsistent and impossible demands that change on a daily basis, and as such have tried to formulate as many plans as possible to ensure that financially, mentally and emotionally we can be happy and secure, none of which she is willing to listen to.

 

The final straw came last night after she had just came back from a meeting when she stood and started screaming at me and talking to me like I was an absolute piece of ****.

I have never talked to, nor had anyone talk to me like that in my life before.

 

She is not sure if she loves me (not the first time), she defiantly does not find me attractive (not the first time, although I have had to read numerous times about her sexual attraction for her work colleague though texts I found on her phone) and wants time out, and if she decides to stay then she wants to have a separate life to me and my son even though she will still be living with us.

She claims that I don’t respect her or her addiction and that I am forcing her back into addiction because of all the pressure, and that her lack of sex drive is my fault.

 

I do really love her, and given that there are always three sides to a story

I am more than likely at least 50% to blame.

I however have always been consistent with my feelings toward her, and I find her so much more attractive today than I did the day I met her.

 

I really am at my wits end and do not know what to do anymore.

I would be extremely grateful for any advice that any one on this site may have.

 

Thank you for reading my story, and hopefully for your advice.

 

Kind regards and best wishes.

[sugarmomma]

addiction is considered a mental illness so just be clear about this moving forward. Addicts (recovering or not) are some of the most difficult people to deal with. I would put them in a class with narcissists and bpd's. They have really erratic mood swings and can be mentally and emotionally abusive and manipulative. She will keep you on edge with her highs and lows.

 

So it all depends on how much drama you like in your life whether you will be able to tolerate her or not.

 

Personally, I would never be with someone as you have described her. You have a responsibilty to your child to have healthy stable people around to help with their development.

 

For your child, please cut ties with this woman. I wouldn't let my child any where near her. She may eventually mistreat your child since addicts are very vindictive.

 

I have addicts in my family so I know firsthand.

[D-Lish]

I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with the person you have described. You will never be free of this kind of drama- it will simply never stop.

 

For the sake of your son, I'd run back to Europe and break free from this tumultuous and toxic relationship.

 

You already have a child to raise, and it sounds like this woman will suck the life out of you if you stay with her.

[You Go Girl]

I'm going to make this decision really easy for you.

To do this, I'm going to not address her addiction at all, only to make a point.

You are thinking about marrying a woman. She can't decide if she loves you or not, she can't decide if she desires you or not, she can't decide if she wants to marry you or not.

There.

Your decision should be clear.

Nobody should get married who is uncertain.

The year apart could really shed some light on who she is, and your relationship with her.

[just_some_guy]

Been there, done that. Divorced her.

 

The coming out of a therapy session in tears, moping, the blaming sessions, the "you ought to do this or that for me but you don't...." the manipulative behavior and the constant threat of a relapse, it will not end, at least for a very long time.

 

All of that stuff is PART of the recovery process. You will be collateral damage. It sounds like her troubles run deep. Sometimes they run deeper than others.

 

It takes a very, very strong and special man to be with a woman in recovery. I'm not that strong, and generally, unless you're also in a recovery program and working it on a daily basis, you're just gonna be the punchin' bag.

[beefgoddess]

This is a difficult scenario to base judgment on, because I myself am with a recovering addict. I know how it feels to be in love with a person who is extremely cold, confused, or irrational at times. I'm curious to know how she handles herself around your son. Is she mean to him? Is he ever afraid of her for any reason? If so, then the answer is easy. Get away as fast as you can. When it comes down to it, your son takes precedence. You may feel like you love her, but is it because you don't want to be alone? That would be understandable with what you have experienced in recent history.

 

I'm not saying that relationships with addicts are impossible, because I've been with my fiance for 5 1/2 years, and he has been in recovery for about 5 of them, with the 1/2 year actively using. He was mean, bitter, cold, manic, psychotic while using. In recovery he has leveled out, but there are times when I think he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder as a result of the drug, because the emotions he experiences are pretty ridiculous. I have considered leaving him so many times because of it, but I know part of it is the addiction.

 

Ask yourself -- can you see a future with her? A future with her as a stepmother to your child? Are you prepared to deal with her baggage on a daily basis?

[Tayla]

addiction is considered a mental illness so just be clear about this moving forward. Addicts (recovering or not) are some of the most difficult people to deal with. I would put them in a class with narcissists and bpd's. They have really erratic mood swings and can be mentally and emotionally abusive and manipulative. She will keep you on edge with her highs and lows.

 

So it all depends on how much drama you like in your life whether you will be able to tolerate her or not.

 

Personally, I would never be with someone as you have described her. You have a responsibilty to your child to have healthy stable people around to help with their development.

 

For your child, please cut ties with this woman. I wouldn't let my child any where near her. She may eventually mistreat your child since addicts are very vindictive.

 

I have addicts in my family so I know firsthand.

 

Look up alcoholism- Its a Recognized DISEASE. Not just a mental illness. THat is one of the ongoing catalyst for the disease.

 

I sincerely hope you have outgrown that Overgeneralized statement about addicts and those in recovery. ITs truly an unkind remark and not based on statistics so much as your environment /associations. Which is probably about .005% of the recovery population.

 

The key to recovering and maintaining such is to gain humility and entrust mankind again (which for some has let them down terribly.)

 

As to the posters situation its true, heed the bottom line matters and ask yourself if this person is worthy of your love. Unfortunately some recovery folks build a fortress of ONLY hanging out with follow recovery folks. The mentality is geared towards Recovery arrogance...WHich is by no means what true recovery is about.

Edited February 28, 2010 by Tayla