'friends'... is this normal?

[subtitled]

My boyfriend and i went out officially for a total of a month, i was having second thoughts midway, especially in the last week of that, when he was apparently barring me off - not calling/being really unresponsive etc. i got the feeling he was too scared to say to my face that he wanted to break it off, so i rang him and suggested we break it off.

 

His response to that was -ok, but i still want to see you...

and asked to see me the next week (random..) said he thought we were better as friends etc. etc. the usual story, except for the wanting to see me so soon thing.

 

so i did, well that is, i was going out with a (male) friend to the movies and he knew this and asked if he could me up with me at the same time.. so he met up with us and he gave me an xmas present. he kissed me on the cheek hello, and as we were standing next to eachother he playfully elbowed me like he always used to. this was all fine, just him being friendly making sure i knew it was all ok between us or whatever..

 

then he came over today...or that is, he once again invited himself to see me. I messaged him asking if he wanted to come over monday to a dvd watching day i'm having (he gave me a dvd for xmas, i know he wants to see it too).

 

He replied sayign "what are you doing? and yeh, thanks for the invite. i might come. where are you now?" and i said at home waiting for my (female) friend to come pick me up to go out for a drink. and he says "can i come over now? im out driving and i have nowhere to go.." i said ok, so he came over, kissed me on the cheek hello, but then was like tapping me on the leg, that sort of thing, saying ' sit heeeere..' in that "puhlleeeez" whiney voice, outside at the table.. just generally being his usual boyfriend self, but not to the full extent.

 

I put it down to his usual flirtiness - he is like that, friendly etc. he says people often call him a flirt, probably doesnt help that he is quite good looking (damn that..).

 

but then when he was saying goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek, hugged me really strongly, and did the swaying as you hug thing, like from side to side, so that lingered, then he held my hands and squeezed them. I thought that was a bit strange for someone who had chosen to break up with me..

 

and he makes jokes about breaking up, like my dog was barking at him and i said to the dog "friend! friend basil.." and he goes "not after last friday! and laughed" - we broke up last friday... and then at the door he said "havent seen you for a whole 3 days!... though that's much sooner than the time before, that was like a week.." I.e the week he barred me off..

 

so basically. what the?

 

ok he is flirty and is a friend, but why so affectionate now and yeh, just is this normal?

[moimeme]

for someone who had chosen to break up with me..

 

Hello?

 

You called him and suggested you break up. He said OK. This means YOU chose to break up. You ASSUMED he wanted to break up so you carried out a pre-emptive strike. Probably for nothing. He said he still wanted to see you - probably, like all the guys here, to try to win you back.

 

DUH.

 

Do not assume things for other people. Let them think for themselves. If you think they don't want you, don't break up with them, ask them. Could be he felt sick, was in a bad mood, or had other problems but you assumed it was you - and then YOU broke up with HIM.

 

Now here's what you could do. It's really wild and crazy. Ask him if he wanted to break up with you or if he just agreed because you suggested it.

[subtitled]

no, see i know for a fact he wanted to break up with me. sorry, i didnt really say that properly...

 

i rang him up and said the last week, you've seemed kind of... and then he finished the sentence forme, "distant.. yeh.." and then i asked him if he had purposely been distant and he said yes. He also said he wanted to break it off earlier in the week, but he had been busy, and that he'd wanted to do it in person.

 

sorry, i didnt make that clear. He definately wanted to break up with me.

[moimeme]

If I had a million dollars, I'd rewrite the song to say "I'd buy myself a mind-reader". Who the heck knows? Could be he has rethought the breakup. Could be he can be a better partner to you if he doesn't have a formal 'role' as a partner!

 

They say we're complicated, but they are every bit as bad. If you like him a lot and want to give it another shot, go with the flow. Watch the dvd and hang out with him for a while. Maybe he'll change his mind again.

[amerikajin]

I think he's a little confused. I think what he might really want is to keep seeing you while seeing other women at the same time. He didn't like the idea of being too attached, so he decided to put distance between himself and you. At the same time, I think there's a part of him that wants you, and when you brought the other guy into the picture, that may have gotten his competitive juices flowing. I don't mean he's really misbehaving: sometimes, people don't really want to settle down; they just want to date around, and I think to a point, that's okay. Maybe he needs time to resolve issues he has...I don't know. Point is, you have to decide what you want. If being a part-time gf isn't your idea of fun, then forget about him.

[subtitled]

someone suggested to me hi might've thought i took the break up badly, so he was overcopmensating trying to make himself feel not so guilty or something.

 

if i think about what i know about him, what i've been able to learn about him, is that he's very comfortable with himself, and seems to just do what he wants/thinks is right at the time, without much concern for what is socially accepted or considered 'right'..

 

-he never gets out of his tennis clothes, doesnt seem to care what people think

-he will drop in on his neighbours and stay for hours even if they're having a family dinner

-he dropped in on my house with 5 mins notice and then went into my bedroom even though i said "no its messy.."

-he is pretty spontaneous about stuff

 

i think he's kind of oblivious to social mores and doesnt second guess things too much.. in a way he's sort of innocent..

 

his behaviour after we've broken up is probably just him going = look. we're not meant for eachother, but you're a nice person and i feel like hugging you so i will.

 

i think he's so simple he's complex. and because i second guess stuff i always assume he would, and would have weird motives. but maybe he just doesn't.