Finally survived a severe break up, how to start again without fear?

[fcleitao]

I have been in the Breaking Up section for a long while, and I've had the worse break up I had in my life. It's been a big battle before I could try to stand up and try to move on. But now, I'm facing a new problem, I have fears. I've tried to meet new friends, and try to meet some female friends. I finally found someone who gave me the "fast heart-beat" feeling, but I'm somehow afraid to show my affection or to do anything.

 

I've met a number of female friends, but I mostly ended up talking about my ex, and becoming friends only. But just recently I met an old female friend of mine, and like magic I started to have a feeling I thought I would rarely experience again, or at least I thought I wouldn't have that feeling for a long while. This feeling is the feeling of falling in love. My heart-beat beat so much faster when she's in presence, and I couldn't stop being amazed by her beauty.

 

Everything seems to be coming so fast, but I guess when things are to come you cant stop it anyway. I met my female friend again on a drinking occasion with her friends, and it has happened like a week ago. We planned for a small drink a day after that drinking occasion, and we had a pleasant talk. We planned for lunch the next day with one of our friends, but we ended up having dinner just by ourselves. Then we came out for X'mas clubbing with friends, and drinking the next night again, and coming out again the next night. I don't know about her, but I really tried to go out just to see her.

 

I don't know if she has any feelings for me, but she seems to call me pretty often. I somehow feel she has something for me, but I can't be sure. I didn't show any affections, because I still have some fear from my last break up. What should I do? How can I stop my fears? How could I test if she has feelings for me? I might be a bit confused myself, because everything just came too fast.

[Tony T]

Calm down and take things slow. Falling in love so quickly is the fastest way to a broken heart. You may just be on the rebound, vulnerable and needy and that's why you feel the way you do. Or you may have had the spark for this old friend all along and it's making itself known now. Take your time. If you still feel this way in a few months, let her know. If she doesn't respond positively, at that time you can decide if you want to give up on her or if you want to give her a little time to develop feeling for you. It doesn't always happen at the same time for both people.

 

But, just calm down.

[mjk]

I like what Tony has said. And also I am putting way more emphasis on "body-language". This is relly important so look for signs of engagement to what you are saying, doing, etc.

 

You also said this in your post:

 

I've met a number of female friends, but I mostly ended up talking about my ex, and becoming friends only

 

My suggestion here, although I've been guilty of this my self in the past, is to down-play your feelings about an ex. I have talked to quite a few girls and they tell me that this topic is a major damper to the feeling between two people that might be developing.

[moimeme]

this topic is a major damper to the feeling between two people that might be developing.

 

Yeah. It kinda kills the interest to have the guy you're checking out telling you how much he misses and loves his ex!

[sarah12]

fcleitao,

 

I was just the 'new girl' in a recent situation so I can totally relate to what you are talking about.

 

First of all, I don't know how long it has been since your horrible break up, but take a HUGE step backwards right now and let yourself have time to COMPLETELY get over the ex (not just get over her, but to completely let go of any residual feelings of guilt or need for friendship with her). If you are going to start something new, you cannot have your ex around.

 

You said that you are falling in love again, and I cannot tell you what your feelings are, but my belief is that you are getting into the infatuation stage, especially since you don't know yet what she is thinking. Like Tony said, this can be dangerous because you could still be on the rebound, and she will get hurt if your feelings about her change later on. Ask yourself what you like about this girl, and what makes her special/different. Also, put yourself in the new girl's shoes. If she knew about the situation with your ex, would she be ok with it or would it scare her off? If you think it hasn't been enough time yet from the ex, then don't ask this girl out yet. Keep seeing her with mutual friends, but give it sometime before you take the next step. Ok I just re read your post and you said you have fears because of your break up. This is a sign that you are not yet ready to date! Back off a bit and take time to be on your own for a while.