Unexpected separation

[shreddedheart]

Married 5 years / Together around 7 / Both in early 40s

Devastated and not knowing what to do! A few days before Christmas I went to my wife and told her I was hurt because it seems she was rejecting me by not wanting to do things together that I was suggesting for the past month or so. She countered with she shut herself down on our marriage and loved me but not like that anymore. She said that life was too short and she wanted to have fun. We no longer had anything in common, she has been miserable and unhappy and felt we had become just roommates. This really caught me by surprise, granted things haven’t been perfect, but I had idea they were at this level. There have been no affairs, abuse, booze, etc. I had become complacent with our relationship and thought it was bullet proof. I can look back and see multiple times where I could have been there more for her emotionally. She had her way of saying she needed it without actually saying it. I missed it. She said it built up to a point where she shut herself down to prevent getting hurt anymore. I reacted in shock and disbelief and told her how strongly I felt for her and felt as though we were where we were due to poor communications and stubbornness on both of our parts. She agreed that we were both to blame for her decision and she was shocked that I did not feel the same way towards our marriage. She said she needed some space and time to think about it.

We remained in the same house with separate sleeping arrangements for the next week . It was about a week after the initial shock before we talked about it again and she felt a separation would be best. During this conversation she said she knew the risk she was taking and the possibility I could meet somebody else during the separation. She suggested I move out since it would be easier since she had shared custody of a teenage son from a previous marriage. I was out of town during the week of New Years visiting family. Upon my return she left for work for two weeks so we didn’t see each other. We talked on the phone the day she left and she would not agree to not see other people during the separation. That angered me and I asked her if she already had her mind made up about divorce and she said yes.

We haven’t seen each other since the Tues after Christmas and communications have been limited to a couple of texts a day and a phone call here and there, nothing about the marriage. Since she wants space and the separation, I have not initiated any contact while we have been apart and have not told her I love her or miss her since about 3 days after the initial incident. She does not seem to appreciate that I am in shock and devastated by this as she had already left the marriage in her head. I am so hurt that she is not willing to attempt to save our marriage. I am having individual counseling to try to understand but she refuses any type.

 

It seems at this point I have no control over anything.

Any help or advice is appreciated as I have no idea what I should do.

[Fitness Dude]

Well, all I can say is that my wife did essentially the EXACT same thing to me. There are so many of us on here that share the same EXACT story. It's shocking, but not as shocking as what I'm about to tell you.

 

Deep breath......99 times out of 100, if you do some investigating, there's someone else that caused this change in your wife. Check cell phone records, hire a detective, then confront her with the proof. The EA (emotional affair) or PA (Physical affair) could be dissolved if you shed light on it.

 

If you DON'T find anything, many will tell you to do the "180" which is easier said then done, but it's probably your last option.

 

I'm sorry my friend. Very sorry. All I can say is there are soooo many of us in here that have been through or, are going through, the exact same thing as you are right now. It makes you wonder how anyone stays together anymore.

[floridapad]

Take a deep breath shreddedheart but......Your wife may be having an EA (emotional affair). She is not agreeing to not see other people because likely she has "someone" in mind that she wants to see. Don't panic. If you ask her this she will not be truthful. You will need to do your own investigative work. I know you may think we are crazy on LS for suggesting this but many, many people have been in your exact shoes and they never wanted to believe it to be true....But in the end, it usually was.

 

One other thing. DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE. If this is HER decision then just tell her you agree with her and you will be happy to find her and her son an apartment. Don't leave the house.

 

Keep posting. You are in for a long rollercoaster ride that is going to last a loooong time.

[Gunny376]

Either mentally, emotionally, or physically? She's either 'scroggin" (what I call 'affair sex' ~ or she's got someone in mind.

 

More than likely someone she works with, (2/3rds of women's affairs involve co-workers)

 

The fact your lost, dazed and confused and that this came out of no where quick, fast and all of a sudden like is another "red flag" of an affair.

 

Check phone bills, install a key logger on the family computer etc if you need proof.

 

Me? I get a pit bull of an attorney, have her served and file. Go NC, and show complete indifference. Either she would be "shocked" out of the fog and come begging and pleading back or she won't.

 

Either way its a win-win for you and you can regain your pyschological balance ~ state of mind, and get on and busy with living your life.

[hopesndreams]

She seems hell bent on ending the M. Do take heed that there could be or already is another man in the picture. Cheaters are crafty liars and will deny, deny, deny if confronted, even with proof. Your best and only chance at recovering the M is to find out who the interloper is and then expose. Once brought out into the light, it can whither and die. Or, you can then decide, it isn't worth the bother and end the M yourself. I prefer and recommend the latter option.

 

Do move back into your house. It is she that wants out of the M, she is the one that must leave. Do not make things easy for her and be sure to change the locks if she does move out.

[Gunny376]

She seems hell bent on ending the M. Do take heed that there could be or already is another man in the picture. Cheaters are crafty liars and will deny, deny, deny if confronted, even with proof. Your best and only chance at recovering the M is to find out who the interloper is and then expose. Once brought out into the light, it can whither and die. Or, you can then decide, it isn't worth the bother and end the M yourself. I prefer and recommend the latter option.

 

Do move back into your house. It is she that wants out of the M, she is the one that must leave. Do not make things easy for her and be sure to change the locks if she does move out.

 

Forgot to add that part

[shreddedheart]

Thanks everyone! I need it right now. I've been to a MC twice and she is scratching her head saying something is missing.

 

I know I am being naive, but I don't believe there is anyone else. I already told her I would move out temporarily, should I change that stance? This is so bizarre after being together for 7 years almost constantly in contact and then all of a sudden like throwing a switch she just shuts it off. She said if I didn't bring it up she was going to talk to me about it after the holidays.

Thanks!

[hopesndreams]

Don't give her any control over when to talk about this or that and as for talking about when you will leave the house, emphatically tell her "No, I'm not leaving, you want to throw away our M, you leave!" Don't back down from this, it will make you look like a wuss and a doormat, and she will lose even more respect that she once had for you. Respect precedes love and without it, there is no love. Be the man, take control and investigate. Now.

[Gunny376]

If you own a home? I wouldn't move out. If your renting? That's another deal.

 

You have to understand that what you do during a separation sets a legal precedent for what comes about during and after a divorce. At least consult an attorney to protect yourself. (Actually consult a minimum of three)

[shreddedheart]

I own - bought before we got married - in my name. Her credit was a total train wreck and is just now back to a level that you can call good. I have always been a very accommodating spouse and this time was no different when I agreed to move out. Should I start initializing the contact - she will be gone til the end of the week and she expects that I will be out when she gets back.

[hopesndreams]

Don't contact her. Her walking through the door, your bags aren't pack, you aren't being accommodating to her anymore will surely turn her world upside down. That is what you want to do. It's the 2 x 4 to the head which might snap her back into reality.

[Gunny376]

I own - bought before we got married - in my name. Her credit was a total train wreck and is just now back to a level that you can call good. I have always been a very accommodating spouse and this time was no different when I agreed to move out. Should I start initializing the contact - she will be gone til the end of the week and she expects that I will be out when she gets back.

 

NOT JUST NO! BUT HELL NO! :mad: :mad:

Let me get this striaght in my deluxe brain housing group?

 

She pulling all this crap and expects you to move out of your home that you owned before you two even got together?

 

And expects you to be moved out of your home, by the time she back?

 

Its worse than I orginally thought?

 

She's smoking crack, meth or something?

 

You got with this woman who has a DS by another man, (let me guess he doesn't pay a dime in child support) married her, brought her into your home etc and she's giving you the ILYBINILWU speech? Awwww Hell no!

 

What you need to do is go and get some boxes and start boxing up her trash and kick her to the curb. She's seriously playing you! Using and abusing you!

[Gunny376]

She refuses to agree to not see other people while living in your house! That you owned before you married her? WTF?

 

Oh Hell no!

[shreddedheart]

Just talked to her on the phone, she called - didn't go too well. Yea you got it right gunny:

"You got with this woman who has a DS by another man, (let me guess he doesn't pay a dime in child support) married her, brought her into your home etc and she's giving you the ILYBINILWU speech?"

 

Add - bought home after we met in a place that made it convenient for her. She's always had a job - hard worker, making real good money now - pretty much entry level when we met.

 

I gave her the last gasp speech on trying to work on it - told her I was going to counseling to work on myself - blah, blah, blah. She had none of it - said she hasn't changed her stance a bit.

Still trying to tell me I've been just as miserable as her and doesn't believe I want to change it now. Thinks I don't want to be looked at as the bad guy in all of this. WTF

[LisaUk]

HI, no you don't move out of the house. If she wants out of the M she leaves (she may be entiltled to a share of assets, espically as she has worked also), but on principle of who is leaving, do not accomodate her.

 

Could I ask how and why her first marriage ended?

[Gunny376]

The way it works here in the US for the most part Lisa is she's entitled to half (or its value) of what they acquired after they married.

 

Since he bought the house before they got married, (and I'm assuming that because of her bad credit rating that you kept here off the mortgage) he can in effect evict her without having to go to court. (In most states ~ some want even let you do that)

 

But I would have to have a go at it, and change the locks. Especially now that she's making her own money and has moved up from an entry level position.

 

BTW ~ IMHO that was the deal, she used and abused you from the get-go! She was down by the stern with no where to turn. Now that's she's getting back on her feet, she's ready to move on to bigger and better things, and is still using and abusing you.

 

You couldn't get rid of this toxic waste fast enough.

[LisaUk]

Bit different in the UK, in cases of cohabitees worked out on a case by case basis when legal title is in a sole name, it's discretionary but can be entiltled under a constructive trust. The court takes a survey of the realtionship, agreement either express or implied through conduct of the parties, like did they both contribute to the mortgae, bills, food bills, did one partner stay at home to raise children thereby giving up a career. Marriage completely different, there is a common law entiltlement based on length of marriage and number of children etc.

[comj49]

Sorry to hear about your story. My wife said the same thing, everyone on this site believes they have a script they read, word for word. It is the worst pain you are going to feel, but it does get better. I didn't listen to the people on this site when they said to go NC. I cried, begged, got angry, and where are we now after 2 months, nowhere. She not only started dating someone after she asked for the seperation, she couldn't stop at one person. If she wants a divorce, give it to her, at least start the process, call her bluff, but be ready to go through with it.

 

You might be in denial about her seeing someone because it is just so hard to believe that someone you loved, despite both of your faults, would do this to you. Believe it! It is happening, and she won't be back for a long time. It will be up to you how much you can take. I have had enough after 2 months, and have decided to divorce. I can't sit by anymore while she has multiple affairs, and really isn't trying to cover it up. Now I am trying to concentrate on how my life will be without her.

 

Maybe she will come to her senses soon, but don't hold out hope. Just remember, she did this, she decided not to try, not to give you a fighting chance to change and make the marriage better. Don't beat yourself up too much. You must realize your mistakes, correct them, and move on to someone who deserves your time and effort. Try to do things you haven't done in a while. It is hard but you have to get active, go out with friends. I joined the local YMCA and it really helps to get the anger and frustration out. Good luck to you, you are not alone.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is so bizarre after being together for 7 years almost constantly in contact and then all of a sudden like throwing a switch she just shuts it off.

 

That's what happens when they meet someone else. It is that 'missing piece' that makes the whole thing suddenly make sense.

[shreddedheart]

Thanks all,

 

After hearing it all again today, I'm going to push the divorce she wants so bad. After 3 weeks of beating the hell out of myself, I've had enough and I'm going to concentrate on me. If everything I've said or done to this point has not had any bearing on her decision - so be it. She was angry that I was talking to other people about our situation. At this point I asked her why she was afraid to open up and talk to someone about it. I told her it would benefit both of us whether we stay together or not. She became angry and said of course I would go to the counselor because I am the good guy and she is the bad guy. Go figure? I told her it's not about a good guy or bad guy or who wins or looses but both of us trying to work this out. This was the biggest reaction I have gotten from her since this all broke - she was freaking out especially when the house came up.

She also acts as if she wants no disruption to life as a result of her decision. She still can't believe that I have not been as angry and miserable as she has.

[mark982]

shredded,next phone call tell her that her bags will be in storage waiting for her! you can't be serious about thinking about moving out of YOUR house. move out and we will pull your man card.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

It really sickens me to think that all the people replying here are almost definate theres someone else in the picture. I could not disagree more. After years of being with someone who probably has been into himself and never showed her any emotional support I can see where your wife is coming from. It takes a long time for one to shut down from the other spouse..and things only reinforce it day by day. I am slowly in the shutting down process of my relationship..thats after being with my spouse for 13 years...and does that mean I'm investing my time on someone else???? HELL NO!

 

Granted if my spouse would be willing to see the mistakes he's made and maybe go to mc with me...things would be a little clearer on both ends. But something tells me shes just fed up. And I can really see why she would be upset about you telling others. After all these years you've negleted her feelings...and now that your suddenly hurt..the whole world should know about it. I am sorry but just because we hear ONE side of the story..it doesnt necessarily mean its the right/wrong story!

 

I am writing this because I am on the fence as to what to do with my situation...just like your wife is! Yes give her space and whatever she needs. If the marriage is worth saving...then it will be saved!

[LucreziaBorgia]

It really sickens me to think that all the people replying here are almost definate theres someone else in the picture.

 

It comes from being here for years and seeing thousands of threads that are similar, and for the life of me I can't think of a single thread like this where it didn't turn out that there was an OW or OM involved.

 

The red flag in this situation is the wife's adamant refusal not to see others while the situation is resolving itself, paired with same tired sounding justification that I've seen in thousands of threads just like this one, and on several other boards I've gone to as well. Is a woman who has JUST NOW initiated a separation and wants a divorce going to hit the dating scene within a month looking for a new boyfriend? It is far more likely that there is one already in the picture if she is that frantic and adamant about it.

 

You say you are shutting down from your spouse. Take your case for instance. Are you going to go hit the singles scene and look for a boyfriend within a day or a week or even a month of getting separated? Would you really be ready for that if you were starting from scratch, not knowing anyone and not having been in the dating scene for thirteen years? What if in the past year you found someone who has represented happiness and love and you were ready to let go of your marriage? You might say "I'm ready to date now" if there was a man waiting right there for you - one who was going to catch you through falling through a divorce mess.

 

Heck, I've even seen the same thing from the OW/OM point of view on those boards where 'the H/W is going to tell his spouse that he is tired of being married so that we can *really* be together after they separate! (leaving out of course the involvement with said OW/OM).

 

It is Occams razor, basically. The simplest answer is usually the correct one, and having seen the simple answer thousands of times on numerous boards, I tend toward that.

 

Now, if the wife in this case hadn't been so adamant about dating and had been showing signs of leaving for a while my answer might have been different. The "all of a sudden" thing though... that right there usually signals involvement with someone else. New love is a powerful thing. It can shatter long term marriages in nearly an instant, and often does.

Edited January 12, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I am sorry but thats just ridiculous. Maybe if he was TAPPED into his wifes feelings and emotions throughout the years...maybe she wouldn't have had to shut herself out!!! This is ludicrous! It wasnt a sudden decision...but a decision she has been going over and over in her mind for months...maybe years now!

I do not believe she wants to leave him...but if she really sees no light at the end of the tunnel..whats there to look forward too? A spouse who couldnt give her the time of day throughout the years? Then suddenly has the world know shes wanting to split? GIVE ME A BREAK!

 

I understand this is a support thread for people...but when do people start taking responsibility for their own actions? Why is it always the WAW or WAH fault??? We are only human and will only take the lonlieness for so long. To insinuate that when someones shuts down in a relationship and has come to the point that they want or need a split..it does not mean they themselves want that split or even more so...are cheating on their spouse!

 

Okay it may happen, I won't disagree with that...but I don't really don't think thats the case here...or all cases for that matter.

[reboot]

How in hell do you know what he's done and hasn't done? Your obvious bitterness is slanting your perspective.