PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I had become complacent with our relationship and thought it was bullet proof. I can look back and see multiple times where I could have been there more for her emotionally. She had her way of saying she needed it without actually saying it. I missed it. She said it built up to a point where she shut herself down to prevent getting hurt anymore. THATS HOW I KNOW!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 In any relationship gone bad, there's always plenty of blame to go around. He's just accepting his share of the blame, and looking for answers and advice, not for someone to come along and blast him and tell him it's all his fault. It's almost never just one person's fault. You aren't being helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeymad Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 maybe it wasn't the fact that he missed it, but she didn't figure out a way to communicate that properly to him so that he could absorb and utilize that information. I think he is doing like most of the people here who are left, we blame ourselves and rationalize what we did or didn't do. just playing devil's advocate Link to post Share on other sites
El Ben Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 How in hell do you know what he's done and hasn't done? Your obvious bitterness is slanting your perspective. Bitterness? Seriously?? The entire principle and the obvious delight with which people jump on anyone who talks about his wife giving him the ILYBINILWY speech is the result of bitterness. I too take umbrage with the way any alternative view tends to be shutdown and disregarded on this forum. Nobody says it's all his fault. But most people tend to infer that it's all her fault, and that's what P-princess (as well as I) is disagreeing with. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 No one has said it's all her fault either. What most people are saying is there is probably someone else in the picture, that's all. And there probably is. Posters here can only give advice and sympathy based on what they are told about a situation. If someone isn't being truthful about their situation, any advice or sympathy become mostly useless. Most of the posters in this thread are just trying to be helpful, they aren't trying to lay blame on anyone. Why would they? Why would they care? Unfortunately, the very nature of many of these forums mean there are going to be a lot of bitter people posting, but projecting your own bitterness on someone else is just not helpful. That's all I was saying. Link to post Share on other sites
El Ben Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 No one has said it's all her fault either. What most people are saying is there is probably someone else in the picture, that's all. And there probably is. Posters here can only give advice and sympathy based on what they are told about a situation. If someone isn't being truthful about their situation, any advice or sympathy become mostly useless. Most of the posters in this thread are just trying to be helpful, they aren't trying to lay blame on anyone. Why would they? Why would they care? Unfortunately, the very nature of many of these forums mean there are going to be a lot of bitter people posting, but projecting your own bitterness on someone else is just not helpful. That's all I was saying. Good point. Accepted. Sorry for my rather passionate (and more than a little bitter) earlier response. Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I hope you find the strength to stand your ground with her. She has made this decision and will not accept any other way around it. Please dont move out. Politely point out that it is indeed your home and that if she feel so strongly then she should move out. Their coldness and sudden change of heart is flattening. We are left sittling in a puddle of shedded tears thinking WTF happened there????? Finding strength after she dropped the bomb is hard but you need to look out for yourself and your future here. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Nobxx Link to post Share on other sites
mimidarlin Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Posts on this site help me to work at seeing my situation from my husband's perspective. The dumper has contemplated their decision to leave for awhile whether or not another person is involved. I know that my husband was in an emotionally vulnerable position to have an affair. I think the other woman did as well. I remember a moment where I saw her in his office and her behavior screamed trouble. The fault for the issues in our marriage rests on both of us but he made the choice to violate our marriage. Don't move out...your house before marriage. She "may" be entitled to some type of settlement but legally you don't want to set that precedent. My husband thought we would be splitting lawyer fees. I said "hell no". You cheated, you want to the damn separation and divorce...you pay. Now I have legal representation on retainer but I will work on including that in any settlement. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Good point. Accepted. Sorry for my rather passionate (and more than a little bitter) earlier response. That is very funny. Either way...i'm not sympathizing with men who tapped out on their wives then come on here looking for support..and get people telling them that they are most likely cheating on them anyhow. If that doesnt sound bitter..I dont know what the hell does! Either way...if his wife posted on here..you'd all tell her her husband was cheating on her! Its kinda funny when I think about it. Just think of all the broken relationship results on here when you guys are telling these hurt spouses that their loved ones are more then likely cheating on them??? Just cause most of the people are still hurt and burdened with the thought of their exes..thats no reason to always assume the same result. I dont care..and it won't effect me in any which way! He's asked for advise and I'm giving it. My own pesonal relationship brings me to my answers. He can simply take it for what its worth or not. But you still have that "she's most likely cheating" idea that sickens me! PERIOD! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 OP, work on yourself in therapy. You mentioned a number of areas where you believe you are responsible here. Good. Accept that and work on it. Get legal advice. Do not leave your marital home, especially as it was owned by you prior. Only way someone would get me out of mine is to pry the smoking mini-gun from my cold dead hands, if you catch my drift. I'm a bit further down the road than you but will be happy to offer a male perspective of being in the midst of a divorce. We did about 14 months of MC and are about a year into the divorce process. Whatever your resolution, take it one day at a time. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Author shreddedheart Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 PortuguesePrincess80 and others, Thanks for the look from the other side. I am not blaming her - just trying to figure it out. Whatever the case, when one has their mind made up and assumes the other feels the same exact way and bases their decision on that assumption, there are some serious communications issues on both sides. To let it build up to a point of making a decision to D without talking about it? At any point, if MC was proposed or we just flat out discussed the issues and not been so stubborn about it, I most likely would not be posting here. Nothing I ever said or didn't say or did or didn't do was ever done to intentionally hurt her. People see things differently and sadly I haven't seen it the same way she did. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) That is very funny. Either way...i'm not sympathizing with men who tapped out on their wives then come on here looking for support..and get people telling them that they are most likely cheating on them anyhow. If that doesnt sound bitter..I dont know what the hell does! Either way...if his wife posted on here..you'd all tell her her husband was cheating on her! Its kinda funny when I think about it. Just think of all the broken relationship results on here when you guys are telling these hurt spouses that their loved ones are more then likely cheating on them??? Just cause most of the people are still hurt and burdened with the thought of their exes..thats no reason to always assume the same result. I dont care..and it won't effect me in any which way! He's asked for advise and I'm giving it. My own pesonal relationship brings me to my answers. He can simply take it for what its worth or not. But you still have that "she's most likely cheating" idea that sickens me! PERIOD! You really have a way with words, don't you? I have no remorse for a cheater, male or female. In today's society cheating is rampant. Marriages are failing at ridiculous rates. And you are compliant by blaming the cheated spouse? Perhaps in this case there isn't a OM/OW involved. But in reality, there probably is. And in all honesty, with people who can justify their feelings by defending the actions of a cheating spouse being quite frequent, I am not surprised that more people cheat now then ever before. These men are here for advise and you come here, ridiculing them of being lazy, callous husbands, yet you fail to see that their wives are guilty of the same, and worse, by seeking another male to roger while still in the comfort of the marital home. Ridiculous. Edited January 13, 2010 by silic0ntoad Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 I won't even waster my time on another tool! He doesnt even think his wife is cheating...and you guys are trying to convince him of it. Sheesh talk about lack of judgement! Okay so for all you people being seperated..basically the one that wants out is the one whose cheating on ya!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA What hypocrites! Link to post Share on other sites
mikeymad Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 of course most people don't want to think their spouse is cheating. most people give them the benefit of the doubt. but when spouses start acting suspicious, and all these separation/divorce talks come up...it becomes an option to think about. nobody wants to find that out, but sometimes people get told things they might not realize, like if you think you look fine and you have a big zit on your face. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 PortuguesePrincess, There are hundreds of threads on here where a spouse was positive they weren't being cheated on, and before it was all over found out they were. Speaking from personal experience, I too was positive my wife wouldn't do that. People are just trying to tell him to watch his back, because the signs are all there. I'm not really sure what your problem is, but you're certainly not being helpful to the op. Link to post Share on other sites
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