Thinking breaking NC (my long story)

[Mik12]

Hi everyone, ive been reading posts on this board for a while and i thought i would share my story. My ex is 19 im 20, we met 4 yrs ago and for a while she had no romantic interest in me so i accepted being friends. We hung out very often and at one point we had sex, but we stil werent together. For some reason we acted like a couple, were perfect for each other, yet she always seemed to be looking elsewhere. At one point we were on the verge of making it official and she left me for some good looking no brains type of guy. When he left her about 1 month later i was right there to pick her up. I had maintained contact throughout and never really made her work to get me. So after a few weeks of trying to start anew she finally opened up and we became official, we were each others first real relationship, she kept telling me how she never felt like thid before for anyone.

 

So it went on for about 1 year, things were great both our families got along and everything was perfect. Then we went on break for 2 months, and she happened to sleep with another guy. When i told her it was over she begged me back and cried saying she did not want to lose me, well i caved really easily and took her back. We spent another year and 3 months together and things seemed fine. Up untill september when she met a new pretty guy with no brains and left me for him. I really believe this was a shallow decision because some of her friends pushed him on her and kept telling her how hot he looked, which i think convinced her since she loves getting her ego stroked. Anyway one of her friends told me that if it hadnt been for her girlfriends convincing her to leave me, we would probably still be together. Meanwhile i tried convincing my ex to start over, to not give up on us, but she was really mean about the whole thing. About 2 weeks after dumping me er and the new guy were official, i saw pics of them making out and looking so in love (i since deleted facebook). Needless to say that seeing that almost killed me. So i called her up and we spoke for 3 hours, she cried a lot and kept saying that she did not want to hurt me. She also said she wanted to eventually br friends, that she still looks at pictures of us and smiles, that she looks at my fb profile through her stepmoms (since i blocked her).

 

All these signs showed me she still cared so i figured I would try NC (for the wrong reason of trying to get her back of course) so i told her to pretend i was dead, because she had hurt me too much over the years. She reluctantly agreed, well 6 days later she texts me about something we would laugh at when we were together. At this point i figured it would be too easy, she already seemed to be caving, so i ignored it. This was 62 days ago and ive heard nothing since. Ive deleted fb so she cant keep track of me anymore. What is really confusing is that she showed so many signs of still caring before i went NC and now its like i never existed.

 

If youve read this far i thank you. Now i know i should move on and that i probably deserve better. But humour me lol give me your analysis of the situatioN. how could she seem to care especially in the beginning i.e the honeymoon of her new rs, and then disapear. Especialy since this is the longest weve gone without speaking in over 4 years. And also the new guy is a total jerk, and im saying this from a completely objective standpoint.

Thank you in advance

[samspade]

Hey man,

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're young and you've been given a lesson here. My advice is to keep with the NC, learn from this, and move forward.

 

NC is tough because it tests us - sometimes we hope that there will be some contact, and either a reunion or a chance of retribution. This is the wrong approach. You were wise to go NC, and now you need to stick to that.

 

It's not that she doesn't care about you. It's just that she doesn't have the romantic interest in you she once had. She wants to be friends....unless you really think you can handle that, you should stay the course.

[Mik12]

Hey man,

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're young and you've been given a lesson here. My advice is to keep with the NC, learn from this, and move forward.

 

NC is tough because it tests us - sometimes we hope that there will be some contact, and either a reunion or a chance of retribution. This is the wrong approach. You were wise to go NC, and now you need to stick to that.

 

It's not that she doesn't care about you. It's just that she doesn't have the romantic interest in you she once had. She wants to be friends....unless you really think you can handle that, you should stay the course.

 

I know what youre saying and i understand where youre coming from, but i have experienced other things and i know for a fact that i want this girl in my life. Lets just put aside the fact that im only 20. The fact is i love this girl and i cant help but think that things ended too sudenly and easily. Almost like for her id be there when her new rs would fail. Im open to findinf love elsewhere but what i really want is to start all over with this girl. I want a proper start, not like those 2 other times where i was a complete doormat.

[bittersweet memories]

I know what youre saying and i understand where youre coming from, but i have experienced other things and i know for a fact that i want this girl in my life. Lets just put aside the fact that im only 20. The fact is i love this girl and i cant help but think that things ended too sudenly and easily. Almost like for her id be there when her new rs would fail. Im open to findinf love elsewhere but what i really want is to start all over with this girl. I want a proper start, not like those 2 other times where i was a complete doormat.

 

By the sound of it she doesn't seem to want to start over with you. She seems to care about you but in a friendship level. You seem to be in denial. Just be carefull or else you will get hurt again.

 

You are young there will be more of these experiences sure to come. Move on and enjoy yourself.

[Mik12]

Thanks for the replies but i made a point of saying that i did not want to hear that i should just move on. Im still trying to move on, but im trying to get opinions on what the best steps to reconciliation would be. No offense but im kinda tired of hearing the youre young someone else will come along cliche.

[Hop_prophet]

I really believe this was a shallow decision because some of her friends pushed him on her and kept telling her how hot he looked, which i think convinced her since she loves getting her ego stroked. Anyway one of her friends told me that if it hadnt been for her girlfriends convincing her to leave me, we would probably still be together.

 

The fact that you believe this shows you are still being a doormat and seeing what you want to see. If she is this easily influenced, do you really want to be with her? She would only cheat on you or leave you again. You are making excuses for her and not holding her responsible for her actions. This woman is toxic.

 

I know you don't want to hear move on but it is not really up to you anyway. It's up to her and it really seems like she is over the relationship. I know it sucks but you have to focus on yourself and let this be.

[Mik12]

Maybe so, but im ready to forgive her this time. Something that i did not take the time to do previously. And im not gonna lie, i did play a role in the demise of the relationship. My question was more about staying NC or maybe reinitiating contact. I am not waiting on her. I am dating and meeting new girls but i still have the desire to be with her.

[DenverBachelor]

Thanks for the replies but i made a point of saying that i did not want to hear that i should just move on. Im still trying to move on, but im trying to get opinions on what the best steps to reconciliation would be. No offense but im kinda tired of hearing the youre young someone else will come along cliche.

 

Yeah, but what if the best bet for reconciliation is to temporarily move on? Have you ever watched the movie Swingers? There is a great scene in the movie that is very true -- just when you finally move on and forget them they come back around. It seems very true -- it is one of life's amazingly weird karmatic things.

 

You may very well find yourself in a situation that, no matter what YOU do, she'll view it as a turn-off. You have to understand something about a woman. A woman will generally run everything you do through one of two filters -- a) This is why I like this man so much and B) This is why I can't stand him. Usually only one door is open at a time.

 

What you're asking is akin to, "Hey, I told you I don't want to hear about having to get wet, I just want to learn how to swim." Well, okay -- I'll show you some great diagrams and a few movies but that will never replace just diving in. In your situation, adult swim is over for now. Let the kids back in.

[Oh Moe]

You think you still want her believe me no one wanted there ex back more then me. The first three days or so I was an ass and had to know why???? After a week of no contact she called me nearly every day. We were perfect together for three years. Then she just left one day.

 

After 4 months my ex wanted back and I just found out when the chips were down you can't trust them. You have to have RESPECT for yourself. She sleeps with who ever whenever then you are there to pick up the pieces. She's using you.

 

They use us to move on to be a security blanket when they can't find someone as good as us. My ex begged while her new BF was at the home we made together sleeping in our bed. WTF I was mean nasty and did some nasty things to her and she still comes around and tries to talk. Who wants sloppy 2nds and thirds or fourths.

 

We are good men move on to someone who will respect our wonderfulness.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Oh Moe

[Mik12]

Yeah, but what if the best bet for reconciliation is to temporarily move on? Have you ever watched the movie Swingers? There is a great scene in the movie that is very true -- just when you finally move on and forget them they come back around. It seems very true -- it is one of life's amazingly weird karmatic things.

 

You may very well find yourself in a situation that, no matter what YOU do, she'll view it as a turn-off. You have to understand something about a woman. A woman will generally run everything you do through one of two filters -- a) This is why I like this man so much and B) This is why I can't stand him. Usually only one door is open at a time.

 

What you're asking is akin to, "Hey, I told you I don't want to hear about having to get wet, I just want to learn how to swim." Well, okay -- I'll show you some great diagrams and a few movies but that will never replace just diving in. In your situation, adult swim is over for now. Let the kids back in.

i have seen the movie twice, youre talking about the opening scene right. I noticed a lot of people tend to preach the same thing, the only thing is i dont get the "physics" behind it lol. I mean do women have a telepathic connection with us? As far as shes concerned i have probably moved on. Shes heard nothing in 70 days and there is no way for her to get info on me.

[bittersweet memories]

Honestly, you need some "self respect". Its a turn off for alot of woman when a man lacks it. We want someone who will put their foot down, not be ok being a doormat.

 

 

As far as shes concerned i have probably moved on. Shes heard nothing in 70 days and there is no way for her to get info on me.

 

What does that tell you....she wants nothing to do with you. Take a hint.

[DustySaltus]

i have seen the movie twice, youre talking about the opening scene right. I noticed a lot of people tend to preach the same thing, the only thing is i dont get the "physics" behind it lol. I mean do women have a telepathic connection with us? As far as shes concerned i have probably moved on. Shes heard nothing in 70 days and there is no way for her to get info on me.

 

The guys are right. I remember an old ex that I was with for 6 years contacted me after over a year of NC (actually on super bowl sunday last year). I was so busy, I didn't even know who it was and when I found out who it was I acted with indiffference. A year earlier? I probably would've sounded desperate. Time is your ally here, I promise you.

[Mik12]

Honestly, you need some "self respect". Its a turn off for alot of woman when a man lacks it. We want someone who will put their foot down, not be ok being a doormat.

 

 

 

 

What does that tell you....she wants nothing to do with you. Take a hint.

 

Take a hint? Some people have gotten back together after 6 even 12 moNths of nc. There are a million possibilities of why she hasnt called me in those 70 days and knowing her like i do im positive its not because she doesnt give a s***. Why even take the time to write such a thing. Do you even know what loving someone is? Logic,reason self-respect it all goes out the window. Do me a favor, next time you feel like posting such an unhelpfull borderline disrespectfull post....dont!

Edited January 12, 2010 by Mik12

[DustySaltus]

Take a hint? Some people have gotten back together after 6 even 12 moNths of nc. There are a million possibilities of why she hasnt called me in those 70 days and knowing her like i do im positive its not because she doesnt give a s***. Why even take the time to write such a thing. Do you even know what loving someone is? Logic,reason self-respect it all goes out the window. Do me a favor, next time you feel like posting such an unhelpfull borderline disrespectfull post....dont!

 

Mik, relax for a second.

 

Stop counting the days. Focus on yourself. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know it sounds cliche but it's the truth. I was a different person when my ex came back to me. I was stronger, wiser and happier with myself. We spend so much time letting other people's happiness define us while our own suffers.

 

Let it go. Don't think about every single scenario is your head. IT WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY! I've been where you are and the way I got out of it is that I focused on myself. I went to them gym, I took a salsa dancing class and made a fool out of myself (so much of a fool that one of the girls took pity on me and we wound up going out for a while), hung out with my brother, got closer to friends, volunteered and buried myself in my work. Then one day you walk down the street and you see someone that gives you butterflies in your stomach. Who knows, you may not even talk to them...but the FEELING is back. It shows that you are capable of being in a relationship again. Those feelings get lost inside of us when the pain and doubt surface, but they never leave us.

 

Oh and when she did come back, I didn't want her anymore. That was the OLD me.

[Oh Moe]

We've all been as I said before I'm not the only one, loved my GF more then anything in the world, but when you step and I know it's hard you'll see.

Mine after 4 months came back and I was actually cruel to her after what she had done. I had to be cruel to keep her away and she still seeks me out.

[sean1970]

Take a hint? Some people have gotten back together after 6 even 12 moNths of nc.

 

However, you would agree that the vast majority do not, yes?

 

There are a million possibilities of why she hasnt called me in those 70 days and knowing her like i do im positive its not because she doesnt give a s***.

 

Out of those million possibilities, what do you believe is the most likely reason?

 

Why even take the time to write such a thing. Do you even know what loving someone is? Logic,reason self-respect it all goes out the window. Do me a favor, next time you feel like posting such an unhelpfull borderline disrespectfull post....dont!

 

More tough love than disrespectful. Many of us that have been here a while have had logic return as a legitimate contender to erratic emotion. That is why you feel a little whacked around here...

 

For some reason we acted like a couple, were perfect for each other, yet she always seemed to be looking elsewhere.

 

It would seem, from the very beginning, you had a different view of the relationship than she did, yes?

 

So it went on for about 1 year, things were great both our families got along and everything was perfect. Then we went on break for 2 months, and she happened to sleep with another guy.

 

How did it go from perfect... to a break... to her with another man?

 

I really believe this was a shallow decision because some of her friends pushed him on her and kept telling her how hot he looked, which i think convinced her since she loves getting her ego stroked. Anyway one of her friends told me that if it hadnt been for her girlfriends convincing her to leave me, we would probably still be together.

 

I wont comment on age, but ask yourself how adult/mature this sounds? "Her friends made her go to another man cause he's hot"... really?

 

"What is really confusing is that she showed so many signs of still caring before i went NC and now its like i never existed."

 

Mik, signs or breadcrumbs? Of all the things she 'said', what did she actually 'do'?

 

how could she seem to care especially in the beginning i.e the honeymoon of her new rs, and then disapear.

 

Mik, you have basically written how/why already.

 

"she had no romantic interest in me so i accepted being friends"

"For some reason we acted like a couple"

"she always seemed to be looking elsewhere"

 

Was she every really there? Was she ever really committed to this relationship? Could it be that she was being rather selfish and just waiting until something else came along to "stroke her ego"?

 

That said, ask yourself a few things before you break NC...

 

• Why do I want to break NC? Make a list of those reasons. I really want to read what you have so please post it back here.
  
• What would be the best case scenario; how likely is that to happen?
  
• What is the worst case scenario; am I ready to back at square one if it happens?
  
• Why won't I wait for her to be the one to come to me?
  
• Can I accept just being her friend; if so, why do I need/want to have her as a friend?
  

[Mik12]

Thanks for that post Sean. I know what you mean about her never being there and the more i think about it the less i think its likely. I mean for those 2 years that we were actually together she was very loving and dedicated, maybe even more than i was. Still i would like to ask her if the only reason we were together was because of the comfort it brought her. Sometimes i dont know anymore. As for why she hasnt called in 70 days? Well for one i asked her never to talk to me again, she tried and i ignored her, that plus the fact that she has a new guy to distract her is probably why. As for your other questions.

 

Why do I want to break NC? Make a list of those reasons. I really want to read what you have so please post it back here.

Because tbh im in NC for the wrong reasons. Sure i did some healing but i was really holding on to the hope of her coming back. And if its as hopeless as some people tell me it is, then i have nothing to lose. The only thing that is making me maintin NC is the belief that maybe it will make her realize that i was always there for her and that she did not appreciate it.

 

What would be the best case scenario; how likely is that to happen?

Best case scenario is if what i have to say actually sinks in, and maybe at a further point in time i get a phone call or an e-mail in which she tells me that she realized a lot.

 

What is the worst case scenario; am I ready to back at square one if it happens? She doesnt want to talk to me and is completely cold. I honestly doubt that would happen because she was the last one to initiate contact so i think she would welcome a call from me.

 

Why won't I wait for her to be the one to come to me? Because i thought she would have by now. Because im tired of trying to guess what shes thinking and how she is feeling. Also i dont know if she will ever contact me, i realy have no idea and it scares me.

 

Can I accept just being her friend; if so, why do I need/want to have her as a friend? No way.

[sean1970]

Ill respond more but take a look at this first...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2594920#post2594920

[Mik12]

i saw the video, i know the point youre trying to make but in what way do you relate this to my situation?

[samspade]

And if its as hopeless as some people tell me it is, then i have nothing to lose.

 

Hi Mik. You actually do have a lot to lose. A part of your dignity will fall by the wayside every time you chase after a girl who has already rejected you.

 

What would be the best case scenario; how likely is that to happen?

Best case scenario is if what i have to say actually sinks in, and maybe at a further point in time i get a phone call or an e-mail in which she tells me that she realized a lot.

 

This is the pipe dream of a lot of dumped lovers. The odds of this happening are very, very slim - maybe 5% or less. And you know what? Even if she SAYS the words you want to hear, that won't mean she'll feel them or follow through with the actions you want. Not to mention, often supposed 2nd chances are just another roll in the hay before the final, definite dumping.

 

What is the worst case scenario; am I ready to back at square one if it happens? She doesnt want to talk to me and is completely cold. I honestly doubt that would happen because she was the last one to initiate contact so i think she would welcome a call from me.

 

You will set yourself farther back and feel worse. Trust me.

 

Why won't I wait for her to be the one to come to me? Because i thought she would have by now. Because im tired of trying to guess what shes thinking and how she is feeling. Also i dont know if she will ever contact me, i realy have no idea and it scares me.

 

So quit trying to guess what she is thinking. You are wasting your youth on someone who doesn't want you any more. She may never contact you again, man - that shouldn't scare you. You have to remind yourself that you have options, that she isn't the only female on the planet, and that you can do a lot better.

 

Do you even know what loving someone is? Logic,reason self-respect it all goes out the window.

 

You are 100% correct. You are not thinking logically or with self-respect because of your emotional investment. That's why you have us. We have ZERO emotional investment in your ex, and can therefore give you sober advice. A lot of this is based on our own experiences. Humans are very predictable, and if you apply the advice we give you, you will avoid a lot more pain - with this girl and down the road, with others.

[Mik12]

I see what you mean, still its been 14 weeks since the breakup so its safe to say that the desire for reconciliation doesnt stem from panic. Ive had the time to take a step back and i realize that the blame for our relationship's downfall is probably 50/50 and the main issue on both sides was maturity. One thing is certain though, i want to be with her more than anything in the world . It doesnt matter that im young, ive experienced other girls believe me. Whether it be casual dating or casual sex, ive never felt what i felt for my ex with anyone else. Im not saying it wont happen, i juat dont see why the possibility of reconciliation cant coexist with the possibility of me meeting someone as special. Considering the circumstances surounding my breakup, i actually believe her coming back at some point is very likely. Make sense?

[samspade]

I see what you mean, still its been 14 weeks since the breakup so its safe to say that the desire for reconciliation doesnt stem from panic. Ive had the time to take a step back and i realize that the blame for our relationship's downfall is probably 50/50 and the main issue on both sides was maturity. One thing is certain though, i want to be with her more than anything in the world . It doesnt matter that im young, ive experienced other girls believe me. Whether it be casual dating or casual sex, ive never felt what i felt for my ex with anyone else. Im not saying it wont happen, i juat dont see why the possibility of reconciliation cant coexist with the possibility of me meeting someone as special. Considering the circumstances surounding my breakup, i actually believe her coming back at some point is very likely. Make sense?

 

What you say only makes sense because I've rationalized such a thing to myself before.

 

You're right in one sense - it doesn't matter that you're 20. So let's throw that out the window.

 

You say your desire to contact doesn't stem from panic - but then in the next breath you say you want to be with her "more than anything in the world." You are still operating from a desperate position. 14 weeks in your case is not enough.

 

Your attempt at "reconciliation" won't co exist with you meeting someone new because you do not sound, from your posts, emotionally prepared for this. You must forget about her and stop counting the weeks. You should be out spinning other plates.

 

Finally, her coming back may be likely, but I doubt it will be in the fashion you want. She will either want to come back as your platonic friend, or she'll use you as her doormat as she did before. I know that sounds harsh, but from your story you hung around while she vacillated between you and other guys. If she knows you will be there, waiting for her, she will have zero respect for you and simply dispose of you again like a used kleenex.

 

What you have is one-itis, and the only cure is to create more options in your life, i.e., meet and date more women.

[Mik12]

I know what youre saying, maybe youre right, maybe if she comes bak it will be to use me but what if im wrong. After all this is only one side of the story, i have to admit that towards the end i was neglectful, so why is it so irational to believe that we will both have matured and be ready for a real serious relationship. I know that the most probable outcome is that i will meet someone else but still i think a reconciliation is likely. Also she may be my first real rs but she is far from being the only girl ive been with. I have seen other things and i like what i had better lol.

[samspade]

I understand that you've been with other women and have experience. I'm telling you that right now, in this moment, you need to go out and find other women. Big difference.

 

You and your ex probably HAVE matured and are probably ready for the next serious relationship, whenever that occurs. But it's highly unlikely (though not impossible) that it will be a retread of your previous relationship. You are not taking into consideration her romantic interest in you - or lack thereof. Once a woman's interest level has dipped low enough to reject you, it's almost impossible to gain that back. She may come back to you for a roll in the hay, but beyond that, you should not be investing your energy in the potential of a reunion when there is fresh meat out there for you to taste.

 

"I have seen other things and I like what I had better" - this is a symptom of your condition. You see at as a rationale for your behavior, but it's truly a symptom of a man who believes that this one girl is the only one for him.

 

Meanwhile, ask yourself - is this what your GF is thinking? She left you twice for other guys. She can tell you how special you are until the cows come home, but words are meaningless without action. Her actions tell a different story. Do yourself a favor and let her hold on to her good memories of you for now....chasing after her will only build resentment and pity toward you. You guys had a great time - it ended - don't ruin that.

 

After you consider all of this, logically, eradicate her from your mind for now and meet some new chicks.

[Mik12]

I understand that you've been with other women and have experience. I'm telling you that right now, in this moment, you need to go out and find other women. Big difference.

 

You and your ex probably HAVE matured and are probably ready for the next serious relationship, whenever that occurs. But it's highly unlikely (though not impossible) that it will be a retread of your previous relationship. You are not taking into consideration her romantic interest in you - or lack thereof. Once a woman's interest level has dipped low enough to reject you, it's almost impossible to gain that back. She may come back to you for a roll in the hay, but beyond that, you should not be investing your energy in the potential of a reunion when there is fresh meat out there for you to taste.

 

"I have seen other things and I like what I had better" - this is a symptom of your condition. You see at as a rationale for your behavior, but it's truly a symptom of a man who believes that this one girl is the only one for him.

 

Meanwhile, ask yourself - is this what your GF is thinking? She left you twice for other guys. She can tell you how special you are until the cows come home, but words are meaningless without action. Her actions tell a different story. Do yourself a favor and let her hold on to her good memories of you for now....chasing after her will only build resentment and pity toward you. You guys had a great time - it ended - don't ruin that.

 

After you consider all of this, logically, eradicate her from your mind for now and meet some new chicks.

 

Dont get me wrong though, im not waiting for her, I am dating and I am

completely open to the idea of finding love elsewhere. The only thing is i hate the way things are right now. We havent spoken in over 2 months yet there is no animosity between us, she said she still wanted me in her life and i still love her. I just hate the way things are right now. I understand your skeptisism as far as a reconciliation goes but like i said im not waiting for that, if the oportunity arises i will deal with it. What i really hate is the current situation, i miss my best friend, the girl ive known for over 4 years, with whom i grew up with basically. The fact that she isnt contacting me hurts, even though it was at my request. Maybe since i ignored her attempts she is waiting for me to initiate it?