So Sad Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 My sister died very suddenly this year, leaving behind an infant daughter and a husband. My whole family was devastated and could not even imagine what my brother-in-law was going through. We offered to help him raise his daughter in the meantime and invited him to move to our town. He accepted and moved over 2000 miles just to be closer to us. We encouraged him to make a will in case anything ever happened to him, and he put us down as the primary caregivers, but he also made it clear that he could alter it at any time. Well, he has changed it, and he has listed family friends, not us, as my niece's caregivers in case of his death. This is just devastating to me because we've all grown close to this little girl. She is our flesh and blood, and we want to be close to her; unfortunately, these new potential caregivers live half way across the country! My brother-in-law's reasoning is that these caregivers are married and have families already. They would be most ready to take care of his daughter in case of his passing away. My siblings, on the other hand, are either single or married without children. I understand his reasoning, but it makes me feel as if he doesn't trust us. It seems like a contradiction for him to have moved here and let us help him raise his baby girl, when if anything happens, he'd move his daughter away from us. We are a loving, caring family, and do not wish to control my brother-in-law's or niece's lives. However, this is our sister's only daughter, and someone very dear to us. Isn't it important for my niece to live near her real family, ones who loved her mother so much and only want the best for her little girl? I am so disappointed with my brother-in-law's decision to have his daughter grow up with family friends rather than with family. What can I do to accept this decision more readily? I'd really like for my brother-in-law to change his mind, but I don't want to be demanding or manipulative. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this decision that's been so heavy on my heart? Thanks in advance for any replies. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 This arrangement is only to take place if your borther-in-law dies, right? Is he ill? Does he take foolish risks? In short, is there any reason that you expect this arrangement will ever take place? If I were he, I'd be somewhat upset that my sister-in-law was so worried about my potential demise, particularly if I was hale and hearty! Link to post Share on other sites
So Sad Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 My sister was supposedly "hale and hearty" and she died suddenly. I think my fear is founded, no matter what shape he is in. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 I am not a lawyer, although I did start but was not able to finish Law School. I know in California there are clauses in the adoption code that giver preference to a "relative" adoption over just a friend etc. I have no experience in whether or not a will would supersede this type of arrangement in your state. You know who is excellent at knowing where to look for things is: moimeme. Maybe you could PM her and ask where to loook for the laws of your state on the internet just so you have a resourse to fall back on with your questions. I am sorry to hear of your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 When it comes to law, yes I could find you a heap of links to statutes, but you need a lawyer's advice to understand how those laws are usually interpreted in your jurisdiction. If you are that concerned, then see a lawyer and ask his or her advice. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Yes! Thank you very much moimeme, My thought to her was at least it might help to review the basic structure of adoption/caregiver laws in her state. I know if she did consult with a lawyer, it might help to have an understanding of law in this area. I sure hope it was okay moimeme to suggest your name for help. I didn't think about that as I replied to her. This is the second time today that this has happened to me. One more and I'd better log-off!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 It's fine, mjk. I enjoy being a resource person and am glad to find information for folks when I can. I get a kick out of digging around for information (says the geekess extraoridinaire LOL) Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 moimeme, You are just too cool!!! Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 You can console yourself with the thought that this is not an arrangement set in stone for all of eternity. You or one of your siblings may marry and at that time you could ask your brother-in-law if he would change his will to make one of you the guardian of your niece. I would stay active in her life, keep on good terms with b-i-l and hope for the best. Also, if something does happen, there is nothing to say that the present designated guardians might not think better of the arrangement and give custody to someone in your family - after all, sounds like you may be closer to her now than the DGs and the relationship between you and your niece will probably deepen in time. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Just remember, it's his child and his decision to make. You need to stay out of it and trust him to do what's best for his child. If you try to interfere, it will definitely put a strain on your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 http://www.beyondindigo.com/ I am so sorry to hear of your sister's passing. It is a grevious time for your entire family. Your BIL is probably making very emotional decisions - even if it appears he is thinking things through. Let this topic go for now and just love your neice and him too. The link above is for a grief site and some message boards. I went there when my kids died. They helped me tremendously. Look at the message boards and post your own grief and concerns and get some input from others who have experienced the same things that you are going through. You find comfort and insight and some suggestions on how to handle all of this. Sometimes people latch onto an issue and focus their energy on that one issue because it helps in the grieving process. A person, or family, can be angry and hurt by something that can be changed, rather than spend that energy focusing on something that can not be changed. Its a normal part of grief to focus on something in the here and now. It causes real pain - I don't mean to devalue your pain and anxiety over this issue -- it is real and its right now. But as someone else said -- it is an issue that is not set in stone and can be changed or altered. Have you talked to these friends of his? Maybe talking with them would help you - they must love him, your neice, and your sister too, and they probably have no intention of taking your neice away from you. If it does happen that your BIL dies while his daughter is still a child that doesn't mean that you will never see her again, or be part of her life. She will want to have her family in her life no matter where she lives. Link to post Share on other sites
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