Emotional & Physical Abuse I suffered as a child haunts me, Im a very insecure person

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am such a broken person inside, all throughout my childhood I suffered domestic violence and lived in fear of my Dad and sometimes my Mom beating me. They would also say terrible things to me constantly to ruin my self esteem.

 

I was bullied at school too, never had many friends at any school I went to.

 

I have hardly had any experience with men and the ones I have been involved with have been absolutely dispicable and abusive too.

 

I developed a shopping problem to fill the emptiness I feel inside and Im in severe financial difficulty.

 

I have battled with a skin condition since I was 11 which makes me feel very unattractive.

 

Then 3 years ago I found out I have a rare sight threatening eye disease which has robbed me of some vision in one eye.

 

I try to remain positive but coping is so hard sometimes. People are fed up of hearing my sob stories and say things like 'theres people who go through worse than you', which makes me so angry.

 

Things are starting to go right for me, after a pattern of falling for nasty men I now have a wonderful boyfriend who I love so much and couldnt be happier in that respect.

 

However my past has made me a very insecure person and I still get very depressed at times when I think of what I went through. I do not want to sabotage my relationship because of this.

 

So far my new man has seen all the positive side of me and is unaware of my past. We have talked about getting married though, so part of me feels he should know but then another side of me is frightened to tell him in case it puts him off and he sees me as damaged goods. On the other hand it may make him over protective of his precious girlfriend, I dont really know how he would react. But then if I dont tell him then my severe emotional insecurity will start to manifest itself in other ways and it will become apparent to him that somethings wrong.

 

I dont know how to cope with the pain of the past, or handle telling my man what Ive gone through.

 

Any feedback on this would be much appreciated.

[PinkToes]

Hey, I'm sorry. Have you looked into support groups or counseling, for what you've been through? I know it's a lot to carry around, but there are people who can help you let go of the pain.

 

I would start there, find ways to deal with your past and get a handle on how it might affect your current relationships. I can understand your reluctance to tell your bf, because that's scary stuff. But I think that will be easier once you get a better sense of how you're going to get past it; then you can bring him into that process when you're ready. Plus you want to be as healthy and strong as possible before you get too serious with anyone else.

 

If you're going to be with him for a long time, it's going to come out, because it's part of how you got to where you are now. But it doesn't have to define you, or hurt your future with him. If he's worth trusting with your heart, he will understand. Take care.

[Woggle]

Dump him and stay single. You will be much happier.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey, I'm sorry. Have you looked into support groups or counseling, for what you've been through? I know it's a lot to carry around, but there are people who can help you let go of the pain.

 

I would start there, find ways to deal with your past and get a handle on how it might affect your current relationships. I can understand your reluctance to tell your bf, because that's scary stuff. But I think that will be easier once you get a better sense of how you're going to get past it; then you can bring him into that process when you're ready. Plus you want to be as healthy and strong as possible before you get too serious with anyone else.

 

If you're going to be with him for a long time, it's going to come out, because it's part of how you got to where you are now. But it doesn't have to define you, or hurt your future with him. If he's worth trusting with your heart, he will understand. Take care.

 

Have had counselling in the past and it didnt really do much for me, would like to try it again though if it could help me move past this.

 

Boyfriend is a very nice person so Im sure his reaction to it wont be adverse, I just feel sorry for him that at this moment in time he doesnt quite know what hes letting himself in for! He has only seen my good points thus far, although perhaps my insecurity has come out in ways Im not even conscious of and he may have a rough idea that Ive been through some s***.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Dump him and stay single. You will be much happier.

 

 

Are you crazy?!

 

Why the hell would I end the best thing thats ever happened to me and let the past 'win'?!

 

What should I do - let my past hold me back forever and just wallow in it and not allow any positivity into my life?

 

Jeez...

[Woggle]

Are you crazy?!

 

Why the hell would I end the best thing thats ever happened to me and let the past 'win'?!

 

What should I do - let my past hold me back forever and just wallow in it and not allow any positivity into my life?

 

Jeez...

 

Because sooner or later you will end up hurting him so embrace singlehood and be happy. There are plenty of women out there that stay single and live very happy lives and you can do.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Because sooner or later you will end up hurting him so embrace singlehood and be happy. There are plenty of women out there that stay single and live very happy lives and you can do.

 

How do you mean hurt him?

 

I would never intentionally hurt him, I love him.

[PinkToes]

Are you crazy?!

 

Why the hell would I end the best thing thats ever happened to me and let the past 'win'?!

 

What should I do - let my past hold me back forever and just wallow in it and not allow any positivity into my life?

 

Jeez...

 

Aw, don't worry about him. He's still kind of bitter about his past.

 

I'd try another counselor, just to see whether that might help now. You've got a great incentive, just show up and announce that you have a fabulous new relationship and you don't want the pain of the past to mess it up.

 

Plus whoever you see could also help you figure out how & when & what to tell your man.

[Angel1111]

It's not your fault that your parents treated you the way they did. I hope that you don't see them anymore - they don't deserve to have you as a daugther. There's no reason why your bf should let this influence his love for you but I do think you need to let him know about it. It's strange that this hasn't come up before. I hope that you didn't lie to him about your past because that won't sit well with him.

 

I have a friend who's bf was abused when he was young and he doesn't have anything to do with his parents. He's a great guy and that's really all that matters. Don't let people's bad choices and bad behavior define who you are. It's not you.

 

You're obviously very smart and know your limitations. You also know that keeping this a secret is just going to cause problems for you and your relationship. You have a great guy and that's wonderful. Just tell him about it so that he knows. It won't change anything, except that he'll probably feel more protective of you. I'm really sorry you had such a sad life, but I'm happy you have found a nice man.

 

As far as your health is concerned, I believe a lot of that is tied to your emotions. Have you ever read anything by Louise Hay? She has a book called 'You Can Heal Your Life'. It might give you some insight.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[thegreatmoose]

Aw, don't worry about him. He's still kind of bitter about his past.

 

I'd try another counselor, just to see whether that might help now. You've got a great incentive, just show up and announce that you have a fabulous new relationship and you don't want the pain of the past to mess it up.

 

Plus whoever you see could also help you figure out how & when & what to tell your man.

Great advice! I agree with every word.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

It's not your fault that your parents treated you the way they did. I hope that you don't see them anymore - they don't deserve to have you as a daugther. There's no reason why your bf should let this influence his love for you but I do think you need to let him know about it. It's strange that this hasn't come up before. I hope that you didn't lie to him about your past because that won't sit well with him.

 

I have a friend who's bf was abused when he was young and he doesn't have anything to do with his parents. He's a great guy and that's really all that matters. Don't let people's bad choices and bad behavior define who you are. It's not you.

 

You're obviously very smart and know your limitations. You also know that keeping this a secret is just going to cause problems for you and your relationship. You have a great guy and that's wonderful. Just tell him about it so that he knows. It won't change anything, except that he'll probably feel more protective of you. I'm really sorry you had such a sad life, but I'm happy you have found a nice man.

 

As far as your health is concerned, I believe a lot of that is tied to your emotions. Have you ever read anything by Louise Hay? She has a book called 'You Can Heal Your Life'. It might give you some insight.

 

Well my relationship is slightly better with them these days - my father suffered a stroke recently and my mother is just in her own little world hooked on anti depressants. I wouldnt feel right if I disowned them totally. Im living quite far away from home right now anyway therefore dont see them very much. I have 2 younger siblings who never suffered the abuse I had to - the fact I was singled out by my parents just confims once again in my mind that it must be me with the problem. Im slowly realising thats not true though.

 

My boyfriend lives in the States and Im from the UK, we have been in a long distance relationship that started online in August 09. He has never questioned anything about my families past, nor have I volunteered information about it. Now things are getting more serious I know I will have to tell him one day.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

As far as your health is concerned, I believe a lot of that is tied to your emotions. Have you ever read anything by Louise Hay? She has a book called 'You Can Heal Your Life'. It might give you some insight.

 

Yes I have this book!!!

 

Not read it in ages though - need to dig it out again to help me...

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Aw, don't worry about him. He's still kind of bitter about his past.

 

I'd try another counselor, just to see whether that might help now. You've got a great incentive, just show up and announce that you have a fabulous new relationship and you don't want the pain of the past to mess it up.

 

Plus whoever you see could also help you figure out how & when & what to tell your man.

 

Thanks, I will sort out some therapy soon.

[quankanne]

trust me, woggle is NOT the person you listen to when it comes to advice: He's intent on being miserable and refuses to consider anything otherwise. Ignore him.

 

as for being haunted by your past, you need to really learn how to forgive yourself for what's happened. You didn't invite those things to happen to you, and you sure as heck don't have to let them own you, you know?

 

there's a fantastic book about self-esteem written by the boxer George Foreman, called Going the Extra Smile – see if you can get a hold of it and read it. He talks about developing (and buying into) a macho personality, where he pretty much was mired in his misery because he wanted people to fear him. Then he has a personal epiphany that changes his life because it's changed his way of thinking. It's a short, but really, really good book, and I think you could find a lot of hope in his writing.

 

you've got a considerable journey ahead of you, as you learn to live in a more positive frame of mind, but remember, every journey starts with a step, and we'll be here to walk with you.

 

stop hurting yourself by letting this consume you – the Big Guy has something much, much better in mind for you if you'll only let yourself go after it