Trying to silence the comparison demon

[Quixotic_Dancer]

This is really more of a vent/rant/howl than a request for advice. I know what I need to do. I need to ignore the strident little voice in my head, one of many unwelcome frequent visitors. This particular voice has been silent for awhile, but just woke up again yesterday. It's repeating and repeating a number ot biting comments, but the gist of them is, "She's better than you, she's better than you, she's better than you."

 

I know, intellectually know, that this message conveys no...truth. I know not to heed it. I am trying to stop my internal ears with internal fingers and say, "La! La! La! I'm not listening to you!" But that takes so much energy, and I feel tired (I've been staying up late, working, and visiting LS , but I'm taking care of my housemate's dog, and she, the dog, needs to get up early for her morning pee -- couldn't get back to sleep today). I've learned enough, from therapy and just from living, that if I hold on, think nice thoughts about myself, ignore the bleak picture the "voice" is trying to paint, then all of this will pass fairly quickly, the sun'll come out, and I'll feel fine again. But at the moment it's just not working.

 

I'm even feeling more down because I'm letting these feelings poison what had been a very nice experience. As I'd posted, Ive been working at a new place over the holidays--and I *had* been having a blast! I felt comfortable, I had essential things in common with the new people I was meeting, they're a great bunch of people, and I had been marvelling at my complete lack of shyness.

 

Then, through a fluke, I found out that the manager...OK, this isn't going to be linear...he's someone I've known for years, although not well. It was that acquaintance which led to me getting this short-time gig. Two days ago, I found out from the other staff people who he was dating--and it's someone I have a fairly long history with. I'd had no idea they knew each other. That was a shock in itself--and a shock I didn't hide well, 'cause I can't ever cover up my feelings, so that's a little embarassing in itself. She and I had been close friends until last spring. We had a falling-out then and haven't talked since. She's a good person, had been a good friend to me, and I bear her no ill will. She is, however, a person who inspires a lot of envy in me. I have a problem with envy, I'm not proud of that, and it's something I continue to work on. For most of the time we'd been friends, she'd been married. I was away for a year, and when I came back, she was getting a divorce. She'd found out her husband had been cheating on her.

 

I have never seen someone rebound like she did. I would have loved to have given her comfort and support, but she absolutely didnt seem to need it. She had a new group of friends, she was dating again, she said she preferred being single...she was doing great. She's a very vivacious, outgoing person. Even when she'd been married, and we had worked together...well, I used to say to her, "Flirting is just like breathing to you, isn't it?" And once we were both single...yes, I suppose I felt that we were competing for guys (though I hate that I felt that way, but I'm being honest), but I just can't hold a candle to her in that department. So, I compared myself to her, I envied her...and I let that envy poison our friendship, something I deeply regret.

 

It's so strange to be reminded of that. Then, yesterday--I just couldn't help myself. I was alone with the manager, and I told him that we knew someone in common, and I told him who it was. He'd had no idea. Of course, she'd never mentioned me--why would she?--and yet, it stung to have that confirmed.

 

This is such a weird coincidence...but I don't believe in coincidence. I just wonder why this happened. But to be reminded of her, to be reminded of the things I'd said that had led her to end our friendship...it's hard, it's very hard, to be reminded of the worst parts of myself.

 

It's funny...this is my first experience with an online community like this, and I could be anyone I want to be...and I just end up being me.

 

 

...If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself...

 

--Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

[moimeme]

First of all, QD, if that's your pic (and a couple of people's avatars are not them), you are stunning. You must pretty much blow the doors off any fellow who lays eyes on you. I have no doubt that you, yourself, are the object of envy.

 

What is unclear is why the fact that this woman is going out with this man bothers you. Did you have any interest in him? Were you on Cloud 9 because you thought this new job would afford you the opportunity to get closer to him?

If not, is it logical to think that a person who has something you don't even want is 'better' than you because she has it?

 

Or is it just the fact that she has managed to get herself a bf and you happen to have none?

If the latter, wouldn't it be a bit premature to get yourself a bf given that you are still hooked on the married guy and therefore likely emotionally unavailable anyway? If the former, well, her 'luck' would just be a matter of timing, wouldn't it?

 

Also, remember Tony's post on synchronicity. Seems to me you do have a bent towards spirituality, so you need to trust Fate or the Spirit or God or whoever you believe is watching over you to bring the right person to you.

 

My impression is that you are something like me; a lady who won't appeal to everyone. The converse is also true, though; not everyone will appeal to me (or, I suspect, you). So whether or not flocks of fellows fall at your feet isn't really an issue if none of them would be of interest to you, is it? (Though, again, I rather doubt this would be a problem in your situation.)

 

It's funny...this is my first experience with an online community like this, and I could be anyone I want to be...and I just end up being me

 

In a world where we find even our friends can be uncomfortable with some aspects of our personalities, it can be very freeing to be fully oneself online. I'm spiritual, cereberal, and sexual - LS is one of the few places I can be all three with impunity I'm also silly but that flies better with most audiences than the rest might

 

One more thought - read some Albert Ellis. Maybe also do Dr. Phil's Self Matters workbook and read his book.

[yes]

i'm also guilty of comparing myself to others, join the club

 

what i've learned to do though is - say, i'm comparing myself to lady X, and i find that she's better in this and this and that. before i let myself get down about it (because like u said, there're always ppl who're better and worse than you), i ask myself - how can i improve myself in the areas where i find she's better? would i LIKE to improve in these areas? this diverts me from comparing, makes me wanna get to know her so that i can learn from her (amongst other things), and tada - i'm not down, i'm active.

 

i'll give you a particular example. last week, i was at a club and saw this girl i barely know. i thought she looked so nice - dressy yet casual, i loved the way she danced - simple but sexy style, i liked how she came w/ a bunch of girl-friends, and of course i saw her get lots of attention and i liked how she handled it. i was like WOW - she's COOL, and began to feel icky because i felt she was way cooler than i. BUUUUT i hit the breaks and said to myself: i can do everything she's doing! and began to plan it out in my mind

 

the point is - there'll always be things you dislike about yourself - hurray, you can improve yourself to no end! enjoy it! learn from others how, copy 'em, etc. it's fine. just don't harm anybody. BUT you've gotta decide that you're juuuuust fine the way you are - you're special, and brownie points for those who can see that. It's all about a careful balance between loving yourself and continuing to work on yourself.

 

good luck,

-yes

 

PS warning: this may be silly, but i believe some people are energy-vampires. some of these ladies you envy may be those - and that's the real reason you always feel like you "can't hold up the candle". watch out for these and run from them is my advice ... literally - if somebody continuously makes you feel bad after interaction, get away from them, don't blame it all on envy.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Originally posted by moimeme

First of all, QD, if that's your pic (and a couple of people's avatars are not them), you are stunning.

 

No, that's not me--that's the actress Carrie-Anne Moss as Trinity in the Matrix movies--I just liked the picture (although I was Trinity once for Halloween, and some people said I kinda looked like her).

 

 

Did you have any interest in him? Were you on Cloud 9 because you thought [this new job would afford you the opportunity to get closer to him?

 

No, that's not the case at all, though I understand why you might think it. I'm afraid that that's what he and some of the other staff people might think, because of my emotional reaction to the news that they were dating. He's a great-looking guy, but, no, I never had a thing for him.

 

 

Or is it just the fact that she has managed to get herself a bf and you happen to have none?

 

Yeah, it's more like that. I just imagine her as being someone who can look at a guy and think, "Hmmm. I want you." And make it happen. Of course, I know that she hasn't always had perfect luck with guys...even after the separation, she had an experience with a guy she liked who never called... so, maybe, yeah, I'm oversimplifying.

 

Anyway, thanks...it's funny, but I already feel a little lighter...

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

First of all, QD, if that's your pic (and a couple of people's avatars are not them), you are stunning.

 

Moi - That's Carrie Ann Moss, 'Trinity', from the matrix.

 

~V

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Originally posted by yes

 

what i've learned to do though is - say, i'm comparing myself to lady X, and i find that she's better in this and this and that. before i let myself get down about it ), i ask myself - how can i improve myself in the areas where i find she's better? would i LIKE to improve in these areas? this diverts me from comparing, makes me wanna get to know her so that i can learn from her (amongst other things), and tada - i'm not down, i'm active.

 

the point is - there'll always be things you dislike about yourself - hurray, you can improve yourself to no end! enjoy it! learn from others how, copy 'em, etc.

 

 

Thank you, sweetie! That's very, very good advice!

[yes]

Glad to be of help! It takes some self-training to do it though, so get ready to work on it.

 

-yes

[yogi-mon]

I hear alot more than you speak of.

Your telling volumes in the words you dont say.

I wish I could be there to console with you.

 

Some of the greatest girls out there are the

ones who are quiet or sheepesh around guys

 

Men, much like women, tend to be drawn towards

the "confident" flirty types. The true shame often

is that although these people are very good at

flirting, and the "pickup scene" they sometimes

have a real problem with human relationships.

 

Anyhow, I just wish I could have a coffee with

ya!

 

sit and chat about such things, and whatever.

[moimeme]

Moi - That's Carrie Ann Moss, 'Trinity', from the matrix

 

Guess I should get out to movies more, eh?

 

there'll always be things you dislike about yourself - hurray, you can improve yourself to no end!

 

Tremendous advice, yes! I totally agree. The other important factor is to remember that people are DIFFERENT, not BETTER!!!!!! Also, I'm a tad concerned that you'd think that this other person was 'better' because she had a guy. She's also been divorced - so maybe she thinks you're 'better' because you haven't failed at marriage! It's all relative. Focus on being a you that you can be proud of and don't count on social acceptance for your validation.

[yes]

The other important factor is to remember that people are DIFFERENT, not BETTER!!!!!!

 

-----------

 

Exactly. But in our comparison-driven culture, it's very hard to keep this in mind at all times - literally, it's hard work. I catch myself thinking "oh, she's got her act so together", and then i add "hold on - so do i!!", heheh.

 

I think many people don't realize that being positive and enjoying life is an effort. It takes no effort to vallow in pain and self-pity. It takes effort to allow yourself to feel the sadness and then move on to better pastures. Think back to what Tony always says - life is but a glimpse of consciousness; the universe doesn't give a damn; go go go enjoy it!

 

-yes

[moimeme]

being positive and enjoying life is an effort

 

Well, see, here's the thing: once you get into the habit, you'd never change. Other than the few periods of misery I suffered as a result of various crashes-and-burns, I've pretty much found much to love about life for as far back as I can remember. Not sure, exactly, why, except possibly it may have something to do with my spiritual side. Or maybe my 'confirmation bias' leans towards confirming my belief that life is filled with treasure and possibility. Anyway, I highly recommend taking up that belief, if you possibly can. It doesn't leave room for demons to dwell in your thoughts.

[yes]

perhaps it's an effort for me because i'm not used to it - very true, moimeme. my parents are both fairly depressive, so i'm not surprised.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

yes - that's why I regard it as a gift. I know lots of people are plagued by unfortunate past histories and/or biochemical imbalances that mitigate against the ability to live happily. That I have somehow dodged those bullets is something I am grateful for every day.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Gee, you guys are awesome! (Uh, oh, I feel an analogy coming on)

 

This place is just a big well of wisdom...no, it's more like...a sun-warmed meadow, full of...big, comforting trees and...(she gives in helplessly to the momentum of bad similes)...and gorgeous wild-flowers, giving off a perfume of wisdom and support... and I'm just going to flop on my belly, bury my nose, and roll in all of you!

 

[moimeme]

Just so long as you keep your clothes on!

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

being positive and enjoying life is an effort

 

Well, see, here's the thing: once you get into the habit, you'd never change. Other than the few periods of misery I suffered as a result of various crashes-and-burns, I've pretty much found much to love about life for as far back as I can remember. Not sure, exactly, why, except possibly it may have something to do with my spiritual side. Or maybe my 'confirmation bias' leans towards confirming my belief that life is filled with treasure and possibility. Anyway, I highly recommend taking up that belief, if you possibly can. It doesn't leave room for demons to dwell in your thoughts.

 

I want it to be a habit for me too!!! I understand both of you, QD and Yes, because as you both are probably aware, I am in the process of fighting off my own inner demons, trying not to compare, not to question everything, not to dwell in the past, not to obsess, not to worry, to lighten up and be! I find I can do it, but not all the time, and sometimes when the demons come in, it DOES take a lot of work to stay positive. It will become a habit for me too, in time, I am sure, and for all of us!

 

Just stay strong through the tough bits until it becomes less tough...eventually those bits will go away! (telling you this, helps me too!)

 

I am spiritual too, moimeme, and keep trying to trust in the Universe and ask my guides and angels to come on in and lift me up!

[princesspuddin69]

it's not that i compare myself to others because i really don't i am very happy with myself my looks my attitude my personality and i consider myself to be pretty confident but... my man likes to chat with other girls and swap pics which is fine but he does not tell them about me and that i don't like thats what makes me mad and unsure of myself, if i am beautiful and he loves me why are they getting all the attention????and the compliments ???and the sweet little sexy comments don't get me wrong i love my man probably more than i love myself and he is not ever mean to me he is really nice and he takes care of me but at the same time he makes me question several things about myself................

[moimeme]

See, you should be questioning things about him, like what kind of guy would continue to swap info and pictures with other women if he's supposedly committed. And why would anyone put up with someone who's being such a jerk?

[Errol]

Originally posted by Quixotic_Dancer

This is really more of a vent/rant/howl than a request for advice. I know what I need to do. I need to ignore the strident little voice in my head, one of many unwelcome frequent visitors. This particular voice has been silent for awhile, but just woke up again yesterday. It's repeating and repeating a number ot biting comments, but the gist of them is, "She's better than you, she's better than you, she's better than you."

 

I didn't read thru all your responses so I may be repeating myself, but when your voices tell you "she's better than you" ask yourself AT WHAT? Then you can think - is it really that important if she can type faster than me? That's not making her better then me! So what if her knees are beautiful and mine are knobby -- they all bend the same way and when they are wrapped around a man he can't see them anyway!