Do you feel bad?

[herenow]

Couldn't edit because CCL is so quick on the draw. LOL.

 

But I wanted to add this:

It doesn't bother me (anymore) that an OP doesn't feel guilt. To each, his/her own.

 

Oh I agree with this. I'm fine with the OW not feeling guilty. It wouldn't matter to me if she did, she isn't part of my life. Any feelings she had or has are between her and my H. Her feelings are not of my concern.

 

I find it so interesting how many times we (BW) are told that the affair is between the MM and the OW. We are told that the OW didn't do anything to the BW and our issues should only be with our H. We ae told that we shouldn't blame the OW because she (the OW) didn't break any vows. If the OW didn't do anything to hurt the BW and the MM is to blame, what is the BW supposed to forgive the OW for?

 

I have asked this many times: Why is the BW held to a higher standard of compassion?

 

If the OW feels guilt, that is of her own doing. I would never tell anyone how to feel. I may not understand why someone would continue to do something that makes them feel bad. But, that is the choice of the OW isn't it? The BW has nothing to do with it. The BW has to care about the OW in order to forgive her. Most BW just don't care enough. Just like many OW didn't feel enough guilt to stop the affair.

Edited January 13, 2010 by herenow

[jennie-jennie]

I don't consider myself having done anything wrong, so I don't need the forgiveness of the BS. Just as I do not expect her to come and ask for my forgiveness, if her husband decides to stay with her, or if she fights with all she has to keep him. I am sorry she is hurt, but when two women love the same man, that is inevitable. I have had my share of pain as well.

[herenow]

I don't consider myself having done anything wrong, so I don't need the forgiveness of the BS. Just as I do not expect her to come and ask for my forgiveness, if her husband decides to stay with her, or if she fights with all she has to keep him. I am sorry she is hurt, but when two women love the same man, that is inevitable. I have had my share of pain as well.

 

This is the way I think it should be. IMO, it places words and actions appropriately together. Both the BW and OW need to do what is best for them. It is unrealistic for either of them to care about each other much at all.

 

Some OW say they feel for the BW's pain, but, IMO the actions don't match the words. I'm not saying they are lying I just don't understand it. There may be BW who need to "forgive" the OW so that they can move forward, but I think that is expecting a lot from a BW who has to focus on her own life with or without her H.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by crazycatlady

Skylarblue - You do think you are better then the wife because you got the H to do??? What? Have an affair? A sex act of some type? Its just curious on my part.

 

The A, bringing me into her home/bed, whatever acts I feel are exclusively held for the W or violates the M. But I really don’t think I’m “better” than the W. I mean, in a sense I do because looks/desirability is extremely important to me. So I look at it as “I can get your H to do/give to me the same as you(W), but unlike you I didn’t have to make an effort for it to happen”. But in reality I know I couldn’t even come close to the importance she has in his life (and the fact that he does these things probably says more about him than her). I know the A is meaningless and I’m sure (other than caring for me as a person) I’m meaningless to him.

[NoIDidn't]

Originally Posted by crazycatlady

Skylarblue - You do think you are better then the wife because you got the H to do??? What? Have an affair? A sex act of some type? Its just curious on my part.

 

The A, bringing me into her home/bed, whatever acts I feel are exclusively held for the W or violates the M. But I really don’t think I’m “better” than the W. I mean, in a sense I do because looks/desirability is extremely important to me. So I look at it as “I can get your H to do/give to me the same as you(W), but unlike you I didn’t have to make an effort for it to happen”. But in reality I know I couldn’t even come close to the importance she has in his life (and the fact that he does these things probably says more about him than her). I know the A is meaningless and I’m sure (other than caring for me as a person) I’m meaningless to him.

 

Skylarblue

 

I never agree with a word you say, but I have always liked and appreciated your honesty, brutal at times, but honesty. It has left me questioning your sanity sometimes, LOL, because you really go deep into your motivations and sometimes they are disturbing.

 

What I bolded was particularly disturbing too. You don't feel that you are making an effort to get what he gives his W, but then you say that he really doesn't give you anything to be truthful anyway.

 

I really want you to value yourself more than just as someTHING to be desired by a man. People like you are a rare treasure, honest to a fault. Such a person shouldn't be wasting her time with a MM, or building up her worth because some married losers desire her.

 

Take better care of you, skylarblue. The A may eventually prove to be meaningless to you too, but you will never be meaningless.

[moaningmyrtle]

Skylarblue

 

I never agree with a word you say, but I have always liked and appreciated your honesty, brutal at times, but honesty. It has left me questioning your sanity sometimes, LOL, because you really go deep into your motivations and sometimes they are disturbing.

 

What I bolded was particularly disturbing too. You don't feel that you are making an effort to get what he gives his W, but then you say that he really doesn't give you anything to be truthful anyway.

 

I really want you to value yourself more than just as someTHING to be desired by a man. People like you are a rare treasure, honest to a fault. Such a person shouldn't be wasting her time with a MM, or building up her worth because some married losers desire her.

 

Take better care of you, skylarblue. The A may eventually prove to be meaningless to you too, but you will never be meaningless.

 

It's strange but I too find Sky so amazingly honest, her views totally repulsive, and yet she never posts in a manner or tone that I have ever found offensive. People slam her for her opinions (and I probably have too) but she never bites back with anything remotely like a personal jab or veiled insult.

 

In a way she is a lesson in how to post disagreeable thoughts and opinions in a respectful manner.

 

Sorry to talk about you as if you are not here Sky - keep posting please.

[crazycatlady]

I feel like I should be taking notes so I can try and keep track of everyone's story since I'm such a new comer and everyone seems to have an understanding of everyone else's story lol.

 

CCL

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im a little late in the conversation but heres my take. i feel bad for what ive directly done to her.

 

i feel bad for lying to her when she confronted me. i feel bad for covering for him. i feel bad for how my actions have made her feel about herself. although i disagree she obviously feels intimidated by the fact that i am younger, thinner etc. i wish i could tell her that i admire her, strive to be such a good wife and mother like her. that this affair wasnt because of her actions, her looks or her short comings. it was because of her husbands insecurities which obviously i filled that void. i wish i could tell her that i never wanted to look her in the eyes knowing i was hurting her. i wish i could tell her that i'm truly sorry.

 

and the rest. please im being honest here although i know many will have trouble with what i say. i dont feel bad for destroying her life. her H destroyed her life. he also destroyed mine. and i dont blame her H for destroying my marriage - its my fault. so i wish she would blame him for destroying her marriage and not me. i dont feel bad for coming in between them, as i feel he chased me and put me in between them. he manipulated the both of us.

 

i feel almost a bit defensive that she places more blame on me rather than her own H.

 

im sorry as a woman that i hurt another woman. but i am not sorry that her husband betrayed her. that was not my fault. he was responsible for the betrayal. i didnt force him, i just participated in it. just like i am the only one responsible for betraying my husband, not xMM.

 

its hard to feel bad when she puts all of the blame on me and not on him.

 

(wrong or right, these are my true feelings)

[MizFit]

I never felt guilty as the affair went on...he is the one who betrayed her. We've had 2 DDays since November and in one email exchange it became clear to the both of us that he was completely honest with me and lied to her about everything. The last DDay was last week Monday and as far as I know they're still living their happily ever after.

 

I agree with the point someone made about the WS leading the way in 'attitude'. I asked him many times if he felt guilty...he always replied with a no, even after the first DDay. If the man who promised to love, honor and whatever had no feelings of guilt then why on earth would I?

 

Am I sorry she hurt...absolutely, but if he showed up on my door with roses and divorce papers I'd be a happy woman. He won't so off I go and wish them luck.

[Kizzyfur]

Kizzy - you will be asked this so I'll ask it myself - why did you betray a friend? Did you tell him about her plan to leave him?Do you think maybe you were a pawn in their game, his toy to make her jealous or to hurt her for having an affair himself?

 

I do believe you regret what you did, and are truly sorry. I hope she eventually forgives you, but I wouldn't count on it.

 

CCL

 

At the time I was stupid. To be honest, I didn't feel as though I was betraying a friend. I seriously needed this lesson to learn to think like a "normal" woman and not with the mindset I have. I always felt that just because a relationship wasn't working out for someone didn't mean it wouldn't work out with someone else even if it was a friend. I believed both of them when they said they intended to divorce. At one point I was told the papers were filed and they were just waiting on a court date. His family had even been under the impression they were getting a divorce and were actually happy for him. I truly believed he wanted to be with me when he took me to PA to meet them.

 

Yes, as a matter of fact, after he went back to her I got to thinking of everything that had gone down and I did feel as though I was just a pawn in their game (or whatever they were doing). However it wasn't just him playing it. She always pushed us together. For example, when I'd ask her to go with me to feed the horses she would tell him to go instead.

 

No, I never told him what she had planned. I was going to let her have her time to do what she had told me she was going to do. I never even pushed for them to get a divorce. On the contrary, before I started accepting his advances toward me I would actually try to get him to work things out with her. However, when he went back to her I let her know what he'd done. I guess it was that whole jaded woman thing.

 

If your new SO is cheating on you already, do you really want to stay with him? And could part of your problem with getting past it be the fact that you personally don't feel you have a right to be forgiven and are projecting that on him?

 

We were having problems in our relationship and he had left for awhile. He was gone about a week and had a one night stand with his ex-girlfriend. When he came back from that time away our relationship was actually better than it was before. He does want to work things out to the point he suggested counseling if it comes down to it. I doubt it will come to counseling. I have pretty much already forgiven him. I never even blamed her which is why I had asked the question about women not forgiving the OW in another post. She had been told we'd split up.

 

The reason I say we still need to deal with it isn't because I feel guilty about my past mistakes. It's more because his cousin got him into some trouble and he's been in jail since last June. I didn't find out till November that he'd cheated on me. Now that he doesn't have that guilt of not telling me about what he'd done eating at his conscious I believe things will be even better when he comes home in February. But we still need to deal with it in person. That and it's going to take a long while for me to be able to completely trust him again. If I can, I will keep y'all posted on any happenings if anyone is interested.