Is there any nice way to do this?

[Chingaling]

Hi all.... I am posting here because I feel like such a misfit in the forums - I don't really belong any one place, so it's hard to start...

 

I have been married to my husband for many years - two children, grown and gone. I have been through hell and high water with my husband. His drinking has always been our major problem. In retrospect, I should have left years ago when the kids were younger and saved myself a lot of grief - but then hindsight is 20/20. It seems that there were periods of complacency in the relationship when I felt that perhaps we were on the right track and things would work out okay...

 

Well, things haven't worked out okay. Without the kids around it has gotten worse - escalated to drunken binges when he is angry and abusive, and his personality has changed so that he is now always loud, inappropriate, bossy, grouchy, and terrible to spend time with... We haven't had sex in over three years... booze is a terrible bedmate.

 

After the last two escalations, I realize that I cannot stay. I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Each day is torture, waiting for the ball to fall... I am determined to leave as soon as I can and work out the details later...

 

My problem is that nowhere can I find a decent way to approach him with my decision. How do I have this conversation? He knows I am not happy, especially the last few months, and he told my oldest that he is upset and unhappy and "done". I feel terrible - I am not the type to ever purposefully hurt anyone, especially someone that I have spent so many years with, but I know that nothing will ever change, and quite frankly I have been "working on it" so long that I am tired and can't or won't do it anymore. Both my children support me, and said that they can't believe I stuck it out this long.

 

Finally, and this is the "worst" part... there is someone else that I want to be with. Before anyone says oh, yes - there is someone in the wings - yes there is - but he has been there for 20 years so it is not likely that I would suddenly decide after all that time to leave my husband for him. Admittedly, an EA for 20 years...

 

The forums are full of people trying to save their marriages. I have read everywhere, and it has just opened my eyes to what really goes on in the world. I just want out so that we can both move on and be happy.

 

How do I do this?

 

I am going to push post now before I change my mind....

[whichwayisup]

Your household sounds stressful and negative, not a good environment for your kids, especially since your H drinks.

 

This isn't about love anymore, it's about protecting your kids, shielding them from his drinking and the fallout FROM his drinking.

 

Your H has to go to AA. Reguardless if you leave or not.

 

Have you been to ALNON for yourself? Done counselling to help you cope?

 

I say pack up the kids and go to a family members house for afew days, talk to those closest to you about this, get support, then when you're ready go talk to your H without the kids around. Last thing they need is fireworks and anger..

 

You can't live like this and your H has to know why. (Though I am sure he knows, but can't change his ways due to his drinking habit.)

[Angel1111]

You don't want to hurt him but he has had no problem whatsoever hurting you and your kids. Who cares if it hurts him or not. He has done this to himself. Find a time to talk to him and just tell him. If he doesn't like it, too bad. I have no pity on people like this. Yes, you should've left this idiot a long time ago. No telling how much damage has been done to your kids.

[Angel1111]

Your household sounds stressful and negative, not a good environment for your kids, especially since your H drinks.

 

This isn't about love anymore, it's about protecting your kids, shielding them from his drinking and the fallout FROM his drinking.

 

Your H has to go to AA. Reguardless if you leave or not.

 

Have you been to ALNON for yourself? Done counselling to help you cope?

 

I say pack up the kids and go to a family members house for afew days, talk to those closest to you about this, get support, then when you're ready go talk to your H without the kids around. Last thing they need is fireworks and anger..

 

You can't live like this and your H has to know why. (Though I am sure he knows, but can't change his ways due to his drinking habit.)

 

The kids are grown and out of the house now. And why should she spend her time going to group meetings when he's the one with the problem? If she gets out of the marriage, then that's all she needs to do. It's not relevant what he does - it's his problem.

[crazycatlady]

Your kids are grown and gone, you deserve happiness, love, respect and passion. You can't fix your H, you can't make him stop drinking, and its obvious he won't do it on his own right now.

 

I wouldn't however go immediately get into another relationship. Be on your own for a while. It will be liberating. Plus just because you had an EA all these years does not mean it will work in person and face to face on a daily open level.

 

As for how? Just tell him you are done, that you are leaving. Be kind, but firm. And abusive is never ever right. Time to leave. You should have left ages ago but hind sight and all that. Don't wait. Leave.

 

You aren't leaving for the AP, you are leaving for yourself. Life is too short to live like that.

 

CCL

[Chingaling]

Your household sounds stressful and negative, not a good environment for your kids, especially since your H drinks.

 

This isn't about love anymore, it's about protecting your kids, shielding them from his drinking and the fallout FROM his drinking.

 

You can't live like this and your H has to know why. (Though I am sure he knows, but can't change his ways due to his drinking habit.)

 

 

Thank you, WWIU. My children are grown - one at home temporarily, the other has children of her own! I stuck this out until the kids were older...

 

He won't go to AA. Has always denied he has a problem. I have been reading at the Al-Anon site - but their mantra is to "detach" and then deal with the situation - leaning more towards repairing the relationship once the spouse is sober (as if!). I have already detached...

 

It is plenty stressful when he is drinking - especially if the grandkids are here (I have sent them home at times). It is also uncomfortable on a day to day basis... as I said, it is escalating.

 

While he may never stop drinking, I am hoping that he will find some special gal who will enjoy drinking the beer he has hidden in the garage... everyone needs a hobby. Yes, I am a bit bitter, but that doesn't mean that I want to destroy his life - I don't! I would never take one cent more than I was entitled to, nor would I ever do anything that would hurt him any more than is necessary....

 

Your advice is good... I am hoping that we can settle this amicably, but I am scared that the drinking will start with a vengence and he will make mine and the kids' lives miserable. I am well educated, have a good job, and I will be okay... I am not so sure about him...

 

I particularly agree with your statement that he has to know why. There has always been three in this marriage - him, me and the bottle.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, I didn't know they were older and out the house, I'm sleepy and should be reading threads afew times before responding...

 

Then go. This isn't what you signed up for and the longer you stay the more resentment is going to build up inside of you.

 

It doesn't have to end badly or cruelly either. Involve his family too if possible. they all must see that he has a problem. His friends too!

 

OK, ALnon is not for everyone, so seek some one on one counselling for yourself, just because it'll help you feel better.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, he may have to hit his rock bottom before he changes.. Or has a big scare, enough to make him realize he's got a huge problem that is going to eventually give him an earlier death.

 

You aren't intentionally hurting him, though he will be hurt either way.

[Fallen Angel]

You have done your job. You stuck it out, doing what you thought was the best thing for your children. You are not obligated to spend the rest of your life unhappily with someone who doesn't seem to care about you.

 

The only one you owe anything to at this point in your life, is yourself.

 

All I can say, is be safe. I recently left an abusive marriage to an alcoholic, and let me tell you, I wish I had planned it all out a bit better. I wish I had made all my plans ahead, started my own bank accounts in the place I moved to, had gotten a place ready to move into etc BEFORE i told him I told him I was leaving. Not only was I abused severely for having the 'nerve' to leave, but I was then left with nothing.

 

My children and I ended up on a Greyhound, each with a suitcase full of clothes I mostly bought second hand so we at least wouldn't be naked on our cross-country 'flight to freedom'. We ran for safety with no real plan in place and ended up living for over six weeks in a motel, while I tried to figure out the next step...

 

Be carefull, plan your leaving, and make sure that when you tell him of your plan, that you do it in an evironment of safety. (Perhaps a few good friends there for 'moral' support?)

[Angel1111]

Btw, to me, the title of your thread says it all. "Is there any nice way to do this?" Being 'nice' is what kept you in this lousy marriage until now. Do you want to keep being nice, or do you want to be happy and have a peaceful atmosphere to live, and where your grandchildren can visit without fear?

[Chingaling]

You have done your job. You stuck it out, doing what you thought was the best thing for your children. You are not obligated to spend the rest of your life unhappily with someone who doesn't seem to care about you.

 

The only one you owe anything to at this point in your life, is yourself.

 

All I can say, is be safe. I recently left an abusive marriage to an alcoholic, and let me tell you, I wish I had planned it all out a bit better. I wish I had made all my plans ahead, started my own bank accounts in the place I moved to, had gotten a place ready to move into etc BEFORE i told him I told him I was leaving. Not only was I abused severely for having the 'nerve' to leave, but I was then left with nothing.

 

My children and I ended up on a Greyhound, each with a suitcase full of clothes I mostly bought second hand so we at least wouldn't be naked on our cross-country 'flight to freedom'. We ran for safety with no real plan in place and ended up living for over six weeks in a motel, while I tried to figure out the next step...

 

Be carefull, plan your leaving, and make sure that when you tell him of your plan, that you do it in an evironment of safety. (Perhaps a few good friends there for 'moral' support?)

 

I am so sorry that happened to you... truly sorry... it must have been more than horrible to have your kids with you and no place to go...I have been lucky that way. I am expecting a bad reaction, and while I have a very few dollars put aside, I am still finding it difficult to stay much longer. I will take your advice and try to plan a lot better before I broach the subject with him.

 

His parents are (excuse me) morons. They defend his drinking. Needless to say, they don't like me much, and would probably help him screw me over. Friends? Not so many any more... all the decent ones have moved on and the few that are left are carbon copies...

 

Our only real asset is the house, and there's not a whole lot of equity - especially if there is a war (which I do not want). He is welcome to keep it if he wants to buy me out (perhaps his parents will help!!!) In the meantime, I will need some emergency money.

 

Angel, I admire your courage...wish I'd had half as much 20 years ago!!!

 

I am off to bed... work tomorrow.

 

Thank you to all...

[Chingaling]

Btw, to me, the title of your thread says it all. "Is there any nice way to do this?" Being 'nice' is what kept you in this lousy marriage until now. Do you want to keep being nice, or do you want to be happy and have a peaceful atmosphere to live, and where your grandchildren can visit without fear?

 

LOL! Yes, I am likely one of the nicest people you would ever want to know... I would love a bit of peace and quiet!

[jwi71]

There is NO nice way to do this.

Hire your lawyer, file your divorce and move out. Or maybe move out then file for D.

 

I wavered back and forth on forewarning him...and I REALLY hate the whole ambush D...but MY fear is he escalates to physical violence in this conversation. So...if you think you are safe explaining that you are leaving...then do so.

 

If not, given the abuse, just leave.

[Austen]

Get out while you can. I used to be in law enforcement, and I can tell you--the abuse WILL ONLY GET WORSE. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she attempts to leave the relationship. And for your safety I wouldn't tell him about the EA either.

Just leave. You don't owe him any explanation. He knows exactly what he's done. Your safety comes first--I can't stress this enough. Don't feel guilty about your decision--you deserve to be safe and loved. Big hug and hang in there!

[greengoddess]

LOL! Yes, I am likely one of the nicest people you would ever want to know... I would love a bit of peace and quiet!

 

 

Nice?? What is nice about having a 20 year emotionl affair? Yes please, please leave your husband. Maybe he can find love and sober up when he is no longer depressed over a wife who has harbored thoughts of another man for 20 years. That's really, really terribly sad. Honestly, he probably knows and you've probably gaslighted him and kept secrets for 20 years and will be relieved when you finally are honest with yourself and leave.

[Malenfant]

Nice?? What is nice about having a 20 year emotionl affair? Yes please, please leave your husband. Maybe he can find love and sober up when he is no longer depressed over a wife who has harbored thoughts of another man for 20 years. That's really, really terribly sad. Honestly, he probably knows and you've probably gaslighted him and kept secrets for 20 years and will be relieved when you finally are honest with yourself and leave.

 

yes, of course it is her fault that her husband is an abusive alchoholic!!

 

TBH you dont know the depth of the EA. and you dont know if her H was an alchoholic before of after it started.

 

surely if her husband was upset enough to have been 'gaslighted' all these years then maybe he should have left.

 

pointing blame isnt helping, even the OP isnt blaming her H completely for her troubled marriage. She accepts that they are both to blame in a way, he for being abusive, her for staying and allowing it to continue.

 

She's trying to make the right change now, flaming her isnt very helpfull.

[Angel1111]

Nice?? What is nice about having a 20 year emotionl affair? Yes please, please leave your husband. Maybe he can find love and sober up when he is no longer depressed over a wife who has harbored thoughts of another man for 20 years. That's really, really terribly sad. Honestly, he probably knows and you've probably gaslighted him and kept secrets for 20 years and will be relieved when you finally are honest with yourself and leave.

 

Somehow, I seriously doubt that he's been drinking for 20+ yrs because of someone who's been hovering in the background. Wow, let's just make excuses for every bit of inexcusable behavior out there, why don't we?

Edited January 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[greengoddess]

Somehow, I seriously doubt that he's been drinking for 20+ yrs because of someone who's been hovering in the background. Wow, let's just make excuses for every bit of inexcusable behavior out there, why don't we?

 

 

Hmmm so people escape real life and have affairs because of problems in their marriage but marriage problems for 20 years wouldn't make someone escape life into a bottle. t got worse when kids left? He probably was waiting and waiting for her to drop the bomb when they left. Absolutely I think she should leave her marriage. I find it horribly sad that she was willing to have an emotional affair for 20 years and not go to her true love and her husband was with a woman for 20 years that did not love her.

 

I'm not making excuses. I am telling her to leave now it will be much kinder to him then to remain in a loveless marriage.

20 years wow. sad so sad. She also stated that her inlaws hate her?Could this be why? very sad.

 

Her husband also stated that he is upset, unhappy and done? Upset about the emotional affair she won't admit to him?

Edited January 12, 2010 by greengoddess

[Angel1111]

Hmmm so people escape real life and have affairs because of problems in their marriage but marriage problems for 20 years wouldn't make someone escape life into a bottle. t got worse when kids left? He probably was waiting and waiting for her to drop the bomb when they left. Absolutely I think she should leave her marriage. I find it horribly sad that she was willing to have an emotional affair for 20 years and not go to her true love and her husband was with a woman for 20 years that did not love her.

 

I'm not making excuses. I am telling her to leave now it will be much kinder to him then to remain in a loveless marriage.

20 years wow. sad so sad. She also stated that her inlaws hate her?Could this be why? very sad.

 

Her husband also stated that he is upset, unhappy and done? Upset about the emotional affair she won't admit to him?

 

You're making a lot of assumptions here.

[greengoddess]

You're making a lot of assumptions here.

 

 

You're right I am. It's just how I read her words. The beginning was really sad. A long time marriage with a wife who has suffered with an alcoholic husband and doesn't know how to get out but when you get a little more details you find out:

 

1. She has had a 20 year emotional affair. WOW!!

2. His drinking escalated in the last three years. Not the whole marriage while she has had this affair.

3. Her inlaws hate her. Hmmm??

4. He tells the son he is upset, unhappy and done. Hmmm He's the one supposedly drinking and ruining the marriage but he's upset unhappy and done?

5. His drinking is binge drinking. So I don't know i think of that as something set the drinking off? Not a daily alcoholic thing. I don't know. I wonder if he's a conflict avoider and has ignored it all and then drinks and can't anymore. I don't know. It's very interesting.

 

What a cold home to live in when one spouse is in love with someone else for 20 years. SAD. She needs to leave. She hasn't loved him for a very long time and is not doing him any favors by staying.

 

I didn't read anywhere that she was physically abused just subjected to drunken rants?? I imagine that would be pretty terrible though but it makes me think is the crux of the problem actually her 20 YEAR emotional afair. OUCH

[Fallen Angel]

You're right I am. It's just how I read her words. The beginning was really sad. A long time marriage with a wife who has suffered with an alcoholic husband and doesn't know how to get out but when you get a little more details you find out:

 

1. She has had a 20 year emotional affair. WOW!!

2. His drinking escalated in the last three years. Not the whole marriage while she has had this affair.

3. Her inlaws hate her. Hmmm??

My in-laws hated me. I was a faithful wife, and a good mother. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive. He was an alcoholic, and a drug addict and a serial cheater.

I worked to pay the bills, sometimes two or more jobs at a time. He worked when he felt like it, and used HIS money to party. But my in-laws hated me.

What is your point?

4. He tells the son he is upset, unhappy and done. Hmmm He's the one supposedly drinking and ruining the marriage but he's upset unhappy and done?

5. His drinking is binge drinking. So I don't know i think of that as something set the drinking off? Not a daily alcoholic thing.

 

A lot of alcoholics are binge drinkers. Just because they do not drink every day does not mean they are not alcoholics. It does not mean they were 'set off' by something someone else did. It is part of their sickness. How dare you blame his alcohlism on her!!! I had an abusive, cheating alcoholic for a husband for 15 years. Nothing he did 'set me off' to binge drink!! SHAME ON YOU for trying to make this into her fault.

 

I don't know. I wonder if he's a conflict avoider and has ignored it all and then drinks and can't anymore. I don't know. It's very interesting.

 

What a cold home to live in when one spouse is in love with someone else for 20 years. SAD. She needs to leave. She hasn't loved him for a very long time and is not doing him any favors by staying.

 

I didn't read anywhere that she was physically abused just subjected to drunken rants??

 

Have you been 'subjected to drunken rants'? If not, you really have NO CLUE what it is like! It is emotionaly and mentaly abusive! My husband would come home drunk, scream, yell, throw things, beat me, wake the children, throw the food i had left for him across the room etc. OH yes, I forget, it was JUST a drunken rant, I should have considered myself blessed. (insert my rolling eyes here!!)

 

I imagine that would be pretty terrible though but it makes me think is the crux of the problem actually her 20 YEAR emotional afair. OUCH

 

Really, unless you have walked in those shoes, you have no right to judge her. A marriage that is abusive (an living with an alcoholic is abusive) is enough to make the most true blue soul reach out for an emotional connection elsewhere.

[Chingaling]

Nice?? What is nice about having a 20 year emotionl affair? Yes please, please leave your husband. Maybe he can find love and sober up when he is no longer depressed over a wife who has harbored thoughts of another man for 20 years. That's really, really terribly sad. Honestly, he probably knows and you've probably gaslighted him and kept secrets for 20 years and will be relieved when you finally are honest with yourself and leave.

 

Hmm, well that's not quite how it went, but okay... I may have thought of someone else during that time, but never moved on it. He, on the other hand, cheated on me several times as his job allowed him a lot of freedom ... I have bailed this guy out of jail, dragged him out of bars, picked him up when he freaked out on acid while driving transport, kept him financially afloat, raised his children, gave him support when he needed it, put up with his parents (he is an only child) and watched my children grow up with a father they really don't know. I have been on anxiety and depression medication in steadily increasing doses for the past six years. If you met me you would never know what I go home to after work each day. Compared to my secretly thinking about somebody else, I think I am the lesser evil.

 

He is sad, and he is unhappy, but I think that is the disease talking.

 

I do want him to find someone else and loosen up a bit and enjoy his life. He is not a bad person - I just can't do this any more.

[Malenfant]

Hmm, well that's not quite how it went, but okay... I may have thought of someone else during that time, but never moved on it. He, on the other hand, cheated on me several times as his job allowed him a lot of freedom ... I have bailed this guy out of jail, dragged him out of bars, picked him up when he freaked out on acid while driving transport, kept him financially afloat, raised his children, gave him support when he needed it, put up with his parents (he is an only child) and watched my children grow up with a father they really don't know. I have been on anxiety and depression medication in steadily increasing doses for the past six years. If you met me you would never know what I go home to after work each day. Compared to my secretly thinking about somebody else, I think I am the lesser evil.

 

He is sad, and he is unhappy, but I think that is the disease talking.

 

I do want him to find someone else and loosen up a bit and enjoy his life. He is not a bad person - I just can't do this any more.

 

Ching, you dont have to defend yourself. alot of people here understand how you feel and sympathise.

 

dont listen to the negativity, its totally unconstructive and not intended to help you.

[Chingaling]

Ching, you dont have to defend yourself. alot of people here understand how you feel and sympathise.

 

dont listen to the negativity, its totally unconstructive and not intended to help you.

 

Thanks Malenfant. I understand - I really do - that wishing I was with someone else for 20 years is hardly going to improve my marriage. The EA had the opposite effect though - I was even more determined to make my marriage happy.

 

In any case, he has always been a drinker - right from day one, but I was young and didn't get the full ramifications of the disease until years later when we had kids. A drunken escalation is horrible to go through. I doubt that they are triggered by anything I do (he goes to his parents, they wind him up and send him home with a few drinks in him). The escalations are always follow the same patterns and he rages about the same things every time. How the house is messy. How the dog sheds hair. Or whatever other excuse he can come up with. I have run around for years cleaning up so there is no reason for him to become upset but even when I think I have everything perfect, he can always find something that isn't right. This man gets upset when the little dog leaves footprints in the mulch in the front garden. Seriously.

 

My question though was how to approach him ... and how much of what I think to keep to myself. I appreciate the advice to let him know that the alcohol has been a huge factor - he deserves to know this - and to be careful and safe during this time.

 

I do wish that I had been strong and selfish enough to do this 20 years ago....

[Malenfant]

Thanks Malenfant. I understand - I really do - that wishing I was with someone else for 20 years is hardly going to improve my marriage. The EA had the opposite effect though - I was even more determined to make my marriage happy.

 

In any case, he has always been a drinker - right from day one, but I was young and didn't get the full ramifications of the disease until years later when we had kids. A drunken escalation is horrible to go through. I doubt that they are triggered by anything I do (he goes to his parents, they wind him up and send him home with a few drinks in him). The escalations are always follow the same patterns and he rages about the same things every time. How the house is messy. How the dog sheds hair. Or whatever other excuse he can come up with. I have run around for years cleaning up so there is no reason for him to become upset but even when I think I have everything perfect, he can always find something that isn't right. This man gets upset when the little dog leaves footprints in the mulch in the front garden. Seriously.

 

My question though was how to approach him ... and how much of what I think to keep to myself. I appreciate the advice to let him know that the alcohol has been a huge factor - he deserves to know this - and to be careful and safe during this time.

 

I do wish that I had been strong and selfish enough to do this 20 years ago....

 

we all make mistakes. sometimes they unravel into years of problems. the main thing is you're trying to change it now.

 

i cant advise on how to go about this. i wish i had a fool-proof method of leaving someone with no hassle and everyone being happy, but, you know thats not the reality.

 

Leaving someone is one of the hardest things a person can do, even when they do treat you badly.

All I can say is stay calm, stay in control, and once you have said that you're leaving, dont back down. Once it is said, all you have to do is stick by what you know is the right thing to do.

 

Good luck.