Is there any nice way to do this?

[Angel1111]

I know that he is not malicious... is it possible that he is trying to retain his family (i.e. the kids) by not being an *sshole?

 

Yes, of course it's possible that he's trying to get you to stay! But if I were you, this would annoy me because he could've done nice things for you before it reached this point. I mean, if you want to stay and see how it works, that's obviously what you should do. I just doubt that anything will change after all this time. The dynamics are pretty well in place. The other side of it may be that he really does understand that you want out and that it has been a bad marriage. But he may be showing you that he wants it to be peaceful and hope that the two of you remain friends. It's really hard to say. It may also be that he has a gf on the side and was waiting for this opportunity. Only time will tell.

[Devil Inside]

 

I know that he is not malicious... is it possible that he is trying to retain his family (i.e. the kids) by not being an *sshole?

 

I think it is definitely a possibility. As is he has come to a point of acceptance with what is happening and his guilt and shame over what he has put you all through is causing him to not make this process so horrible. Either way...he is being kind and considerate now, and that is better then him being a raging A-hole. At least it is for him.

 

Do you have a hard time following through with your intentions due to this recent change in his behavior?

[Chingaling]

I think it is definitely a possibility. As is he has come to a point of acceptance with what is happening and his guilt and shame over what he has put you all through is causing him to not make this process so horrible. Either way...he is being kind and considerate now, and that is better then him being a raging A-hole. At least it is for him.

 

Do you have a hard time following through with your intentions due to this recent change in his behavior?

 

Actually, Devil, now that you have brought it up - the behaviour is kinda normal for him after we have had a huge argument (booze fuel). Same reaction that has been going on for years - build-up, escalation, huge outburst, quiet and well behaved...maintain status quo until the next buildup. It's what I have come to realize is the "complacent" part of our marriage, where I calm down, he lays low, and we coast for a bit.

 

A big moment of realization was after the last two escalations close together - I actually got it that this was a pattern that was going to last us the rest of our lives, and I won't go through it anymore.

 

So no, my mind is made up. No amount of snivelling, cooking, cleaning, gas or coffee is going to change my mind. The proverbial last straw.

[2sunny]

would everything look different if he quit drinking? have you ever suggested that option to him - so that things could potentially stay calm?

 

if so - what was his response?

 

if not, why not ask him if that could be a possible solution for consideration?

[Crazyforhim]

So no, my mind is made up. No amount of snivelling, cooking, cleaning, gas or coffee is going to change my mind. The proverbial last straw.

 

You're doing great Ching! Stay strong and don't fall back into that "in between" zone where things are going smooth and you decide to just stick it out longer. You'll regret it in the long run.

 

After I had the discussion with my H that I was unhappy and wanted to separate, he did everything in his power to be nice to me and make me think my unhappiness was just all in my head. Too little, too late!!

[Chingaling]

would everything look different if he quit drinking? have you ever suggested that option to him - so that things could potentially stay calm?

 

if so - what was his response?

 

if not, why not ask him if that could be a possible solution for consideration?

 

 

2sunny, I have begged and pleaded over the years for him to stop. He doesn't think he has a problem - but a night or two with no beer in the fridge sets him off. We have had interventions even, to let him know that he is putting his marriage in jeopardy. No dice. The bottle is a demanding mistress and he is not giving her up!

 

There are other problems too in our marriage - the drinking is only a part of it. I should have left years ago and saved myself that grief.

 

I truly think that part of my problem with sticking with it for so long is because of my parent's marriage - my mother had fidelity issues for years (how embarrassing for a teenager). My siblings and I are more like my dad - put up with it no matter what and try harder. Both my brother and my sister have troubled marriages - both have broken up with their spouses several times and gotten back together - mostly for the kids. My husband and I have never split - even for a day - so it will come as quite a shock to my family. I think I have worked so hard on this marriage because I didn't want to "be like my mother" who died young and unhappy after marrying one of her lovers. Fear of karma??? You betcha!

 

Thanks to all who posted... it's so good to know I am not alone.

[Fallen Angel]

Actually, Devil, now that you have brought it up - the behaviour is kinda normal for him after we have had a huge argument (booze fuel). Same reaction that has been going on for years - build-up, escalation, huge outburst, quiet and well behaved...maintain status quo until the next buildup. It's what I have come to realize is the "complacent" part of our marriage, where I calm down, he lays low, and we coast for a bit.

 

A big moment of realization was after the last two escalations close together - I actually got it that this was a pattern that was going to last us the rest of our lives, and I won't go through it anymore.

 

So no, my mind is made up. No amount of snivelling, cooking, cleaning, gas or coffee is going to change my mind. The proverbial last straw.

 

This is how I would describe my marriage, but the huge outbursts were filled with violent rage that led to physical abuse. My now ex-H is bi-polar, and refused to stay on medication for it. What he did instead was attempt to self-medicate. During his manic phases, he would drink, to try to bring himself down. During his depressive phases, he would tweak (use methanphetamines or cocaine) to try to bring himself up. Problem was, neither the booze nor the tweak worked, and he would always end up abusive. I figured out his cycle *fall, level, rise, peak, fall, level, rise ad infinitum....* very early on in our marriage. I could count on about 9 good days in 30. The rest were sheer hell.

 

When ever I threatened divorce, he would try.. he started and stopped IC, MC, AA and NA probably 8 times a year for 15 years. he started and stopped medication for his bi-polar disorder almost as often, but said that it made him feel 'weird'. I told him he wasn't really feeling wierd while medicated, he was feeling NORMAL, but normal was a feeling he had never experienced before... It was a pointless circle, that always ended the same way... him drunk or tweaking and me with fresh bruises.

 

I can see in your posts, that some part of you loves him still (loving someone is quite different from being in love with them), despite all that has happened. It sounds sick, but some part of me still loves my ex-H also... or rather, I love the man I know he COULD be, but he has never chosen to be that man. It was time for me to let go, and it seems it is time for you to as well. You can't fix him. He is broken, and I know you want to, but he has to fix himself, and he will never do that because you want him to. ((hugs to you)) Be strong, and go fix yourself, because your marriage has left you broken as well. Take care of you, my friend.

 

Please, do not feel guilty. It is okay to love him, and still let him go

[Devil Inside]

 

I truly think that part of my problem with sticking with it for so long is because of my parent's marriage - my mother had fidelity issues for years (how embarrassing for a teenager). My siblings and I are more like my dad - put up with it no matter what and try harder. Both my brother and my sister have troubled marriages - both have broken up with their spouses several times and gotten back together - mostly for the kids. My husband and I have never split - even for a day - so it will come as quite a shock to my family. I think I have worked so hard on this marriage because I didn't want to "be like my mother" who died young and unhappy after marrying one of her lovers. Fear of karma??? You betcha!

 

Thanks to all who posted... it's so good to know I am not alone.

 

 

You have good insight into a pattern that both you and your husband have been following in the marriage and you are no longer willing to pay your role in this dysfunctional relationship. You also seem to have down that your part has it's genesis in your childhood and watching your mother's infidelity and your fathers codependence. Good for you.

 

I wish you lots of luck in this new chapter of your life. Please keep us updated, I know I will wonder about how you're doing.

[Fallen Angel]

Hey Ching... how are you doing today??

[Chingaling]

Hey Ching... how are you doing today??

 

Pretty good! I am (apparently) getting a central vac!!!!!

[Fallen Angel]

Pretty good! I am (apparently) getting a central vac!!!!!

 

Hun,

 

I am concerned... if you really want to get out of this marriage, then you need to tell him, YET AGAIN, that you do not intend to stay married to him.. the more you allow him to do for you now, the more angry he is going to be when you tell him that you still intend to divorce him. be careful please!!

[Chingaling]

Hun,

 

I am concerned... if you really want to get out of this marriage, then you need to tell him, YET AGAIN, that you do not intend to stay married to him.. the more you allow him to do for you now, the more angry he is going to be when you tell him that you still intend to divorce him. be careful please!!

 

Thank you Angel... I was being very tongue in cheek.

 

I did however find out that the reason that he has been complacent is because the kids talked to him a lot and have been very supportive. He is a lucky man to have such great kids. Apparently he knows and acknowledges to them that I am leaving so it did sink in. Can't blame a guy for trying.

 

Your post brought me back to earth with a thud. Everything has been so calm that I was lulled into a false sense of security.. .What was I thinking?

 

I will have to keep up the momentum and move forward again.

 

Thanks again for the heads up... truly appreciated!

 

Ching

[Crazyforhim]

Ching,

 

Just wanted to say hello and see how things were going with you. How are you progressing with the separation? Also what is going on with your MM during all this? Are you still in contact with him?

[MizzBlue72]

I am glad you decided to post this.

My household was the same - my xH was / is a drunk. I have a 5 yr old. Divorced him last year.

 

It's nor easy, and I really don't think it can be nice.

Alcoholics are all over the place. I say stick you your guns and just do it - get the D.

 

And if the EA works out - good for you.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I dunno! Denial? Avoidance? I don't get it.... I was pretty clear, and he acknowledged that I was serious and that my mind was made up. I did say that we would work out together what we are going to do with the house, vehicles, etc. so maybe he is content with that?

 

He just came back in from dropping daughter off at work and took my vehicle for a fill-up since gas is down a bit.

 

Has anyone ever had a reaction like this before?

 

I know that he is not malicious... is it possible that he is trying to retain his family (i.e. the kids) by not being an *sshole?

 

I'm separating from my husband, who I believe is an alcoholic too, though he does not appear to be as affected as your husband, I think mine is a "functioning alcoholic." He drinks practically every day, sometimes only beer, but sometimes 1/2 bottle of scotch along with the beer... just depends... he can go for a few weeks controlling it, then bam! he slips up and drinks a *lot*. No outright abuse, just random angry outbursts that can sometimes frighten my daughter and can make the atmosphere "disturbing."

 

Anyway... the point I wanted to make is that it took me at least three times of clearly telling him I wanted to separate... until he "got" it. The first time I told him, he went into a deep funk for about a week, then went back to his "normal" self, and acting like nothing had changed.

 

It was if I'd tell him, he'd understand (and I made sure he was fully sober when I told him)... then a week would go by, I'd mention something about the move, and he'd act surprised again, like "So, you're really going through with this?"

 

It make take some time for it to truly sink in for your husband.

[Angel1111]

Your post brought me back to earth with a thud. Everything has been so calm that I was lulled into a false sense of security.. .What was I thinking?

 

Maybe I'm a hard case but I really have very little compassion for people who screw up year after year after year, and then act surprised and victimized when they're faced with the consequences of their behavior and actions. It takes a truly an arrogant person to believe that they can do as they please to others and never pay the price. Surprise, surprise.

[Chingaling]

Hi... I am still hanging in. It is very quiet around here these days. I was quite concerned that perhaps he just didn't "get it" - that part of the conversation was erased from his mind or that he had deliberately decided to "misunderstand". I asked my daughter, who assured me that he "got it" and was thinking it through. So far though he hasn't made even one comment to me acknowledging what ist happening. I get a kiss goodnight (sometimes he'll come back to me for another - even if it is just my forehead), told that he loves me and still I am "honey". We are still sleeping in the same bed (haven't done it in three years - not likely that anything will pop up now:D I would take the couch but for now it is okay.

 

That will all likely change soon. I need to start clearing out the basement and packing away what I will keep. I am going to have the discussion with him then that he will probably not be able to keep this house - it takes both our incomes to maintain it and our "lifestyle" (or his lifestyle - insert "booze" here. I hate to see him not keep it, but the reality is that unless we can come to terms where I leave my half of the equity in for a few more years the house will have to go. That's when I expect the reality to sink in. We don't have much in the way of "consumer debt" so that is good. My vehicle has a loan on it, so it will have to go.

 

I think that we both realize that we have children and grandchildren together, and while we do have issues, we do both care about each other. Maybe he is resigned to splitting - he said he saw it coming?

 

Having said that, I am sure once his parents get wind of this it will be a massacre - I am betting by Valentine's Day. There isn't much damage they can do to me financially, but they sure can wind him up, which will all come back at me.

 

I hope to have wound up everything I need to do here by the end of February and be able to leave.

 

Simply, that is actually how my husband was and is except that it has escalated into unacceptable behaviour most of the time. It goes beyond being "tipsy" and much of his language and comments and actions are really inappropriate. He knows they are inappropriate, but does them anyways. Don't stick around any longer than you have to - he will not change.

[Chingaling]

Maybe I'm a hard case but I really have very little compassion for people who screw up year after year after year, and then act surprised and victimized when they're faced with the consequences of their behavior and actions. It takes a truly an arrogant person to believe that they can do as they please to others and never pay the price. Surprise, surprise.

 

Amen sister! I'd drink to that, but there is no booze in the garage tonight:D

[Chingaling]

It is still quiet around here...I haven't made any real progress towards the door, which is frustrating, especially since H has now decided to show more affection. Hard to explain, except now he will grab my butt or rub my back or grab my feet or whatever... he is demanding good night kisses by putting himself in my face... saying I love you, and insisting that I say it back... in front of the kids he will say Do you remember when I kissed you goodbye this morning? Or jump in my face with a kiss me while they are there. I am starting to feel like I am being stalked! I don't feel any desire at all to kiss him, and his touching me (when he never did before) bothers me.

 

I guess this is his 180...

 

Big sigh. Today I had planned to clean out the basement and start packing up a bit, pay some bills, get my stuff together....

 

Am I going to have to have "the talk" again...Damn! Or can I just carry on packing up and let him see where this is going?

[Crazyforhim]

Every time my xH and I had the talk he would always carry on the day like we'd never even talked and it was like if we didn't discuss the situation it would go away and things would be fine. He did the same thing with the affection and kisses and to be honest, every morning when he came to kiss me good bye I would just cringe inside. He wanted to work on the M and to be honest his increased affection just drove me away more.

 

I had asked him to find somewhere to live since he couldn't afford the house we lived in and every time, the place he went to see about getting was never good enough. That was his method for stalling. During this time I continued to pack things up and clean out things I didn't need without him even being aware of what I was doing.

 

Finally when he made no progress to get out, I finally bit the bullet and moved out myself.

 

I think your H's actions are his twisted way of trying to make you feel guilty about the decision and make you think well maybe he's not really that bad after all - it's just all in your head! Doing it in front of the kids is his way of making the kids think he's not the bad guy. You know the past, you know you're not happy and deep down he can't change and keep it up long term, so stay strong and stuck with your guns.

 

And btw, you'll probably have to have the talk again.... because I think he's in denial at this point!

[Fallen Angel]

Every time my xH and I had the talk he would always carry on the day like we'd never even talked and it was like if we didn't discuss the situation it would go away and things would be fine. He did the same thing with the affection and kisses and to be honest, every morning when he came to kiss me good bye I would just cringe inside. He wanted to work on the M and to be honest his increased affection just drove me away more.

 

I had asked him to find somewhere to live since he couldn't afford the house we lived in and every time, the place he went to see about getting was never good enough. That was his method for stalling. During this time I continued to pack things up and clean out things I didn't need without him even being aware of what I was doing.

 

Finally when he made no progress to get out, I finally bit the bullet and moved out myself.

 

I think your H's actions are his twisted way of trying to make you feel guilty about the decision and make you think well maybe he's not really that bad after all - it's just all in your head! Doing it in front of the kids is his way of making the kids think he's not the bad guy. You know the past, you know you're not happy and deep down he can't change and keep it up long term, so stay strong and stuck with your guns.

 

And btw, you'll probably have to have the talk again.... because I think he's in denial at this point!

 

Yes.. that is it exactly.. I posted in a different thread about the stages of grieving.. denial is number one.. it is the first step.. I think it would be wise to know the steps (google it, the stages are the same for grieving the loss of a relationship as it is for grieving the death of a loved one) so that you can see his behaviour for what it is, Ching. Gaurd yourself carefully, as anger is not so far away...

[Crazyforhim]

Here's the stages my IC gave me: Denial, Anger, Negotiation, Refusal, Depression and Acceptance. Be careful, like Fallen said Anger will soon follow.

 

One key thing for you to do in this process is be aware of how he is moving through the stages so you're prepared to react purposefully and not impulsively.

[Chingaling]

Here's the stages my IC gave me: Denial, Anger, Negotiation, Refusal, Depression and Acceptance. Be careful, like Fallen said Anger will soon follow.

 

One key thing for you to do in this process is be aware of how he is moving through the stages so you're prepared to react purposefully and not impulsively.

 

Thanks for the heads up... we definately have Denial. I am feeling pretty mauled, and I am trying not to snap at him - which would likely bring on the anger pretty quickly if I am not mistaken. It's almost like he is daring me to say something...start a fight? Today I sat in the car wash line up for 3/4 of an hour rather than go straight home, it's that uncomfortable.

 

I would imagine that when his patience is gone that he will move to anger.

 

Thanks again, truly, otherwise I wouldn't have realized what comes next. So far, he is textbook!;)

[Crazyforhim]

You wouldn't believe the hours I started putting in at work so I could stay away. Then at night I would go and lay down with the kids around 8pm and not even get back up before morning just to avoid it all. I know exactly how you feel.

 

My IC told me to write down all the reasons I wasn't happy and wanted to leave so when I second guessed myself that document would give me clarity and strength. One day I had told her about how it felt so bad in the morning when he tried to kiss me or come up behind me and hug me. She said to make sure I documented that feeling because down the road if I felt regret at leaving those things would help bring back the feelings and emotions I had at that time.