mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Arghhhh, I hate to sound like a whiner here but I need some advice. Just got off the phone with my ex about seeing how our daughter is. (my daughter is 2 and a half years old and last night she was slowly spinning around in a circle, lost her balance in the living room, and split her forehead open on the coffee table to the tune of 5 stiches. We went to the hospital, she's okay. but it was our first time since we adopted her that anything like this happened. There is no problem between us about how it happened, I was standing right there, but oh my god, it scared the heck out of me!) We have 50/50 visitation and we get along fine. Okay...problem here is I called the ex today to see how she was etc, etc., and after I knew she was fine (she even said: " look mommy, my head doesn't hurt!") I kindly mentioned that I felt we were "out of balance" in the visits and could we kinda get back on track. (Don't want to bore you but ex has just had daughter a little more than me thru holiday) Her reply was "Quit acting like a baby!, It was you that sent her home with me last night" Well, I did that because I knew mom was worried about her and had come to the hospital last night when it all happened. She just "slammed me" with that statement out of the blue I guess... I'm feeling, or rather I know, my ex just doesn't understand how to "validate" each other's feelings. She always has, and it seems like she always will. Its one of those things were she will not accept that things could be 50% of her problem too. So....What's the suggestion here. Early on, I did the time and space thing. That helped lots to reconcile the differences between us to be friends and all, but damn if I can deal with the ignorance! What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 If, as you say: She always has, and it seems like she always will. Its one of those things were she will not accept that things could be 50% of her problem too then to expect her to be different, ever, is to always set yourself up for disappointment. First thing to do is recast your expectations. Expect her to behave this way. Then negotiate based on your new expectation. Can you use a different rationale to persuade her to change? Can you work out straight exchanges of time rather than appealing to fairness? I once attended a workshop about dealing with difficult people. One of the strategies suggested was to 'put on a cloak' - which meant, basically, understand what you're about to deal with and go into it prepared, rather than leaving yourself open to upset and disappointment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Author Share Posted December 27, 2003 Thanks moimeme, I was hoping you were out there still. Actually I do expect her reactions to be this way already. We were together for 5 years. It seems like I have tried various rationales, but all seem to result in the same reaction from her. Yes, we do have straight time exchanges, a "visits plan" etc., but I don't mind fudging the line at all to accomodate things like her family being larger than mine and she just needs our daughter more to make to her family's events etc. I like the "put on a cloak" suggestion. And I mean I'm ready to expect anything from her. It could be that she is just immature in dealing with things and I just have a different attitude about. Miles away from hers. Anyway, thanks all...sometimes you get surprised when things grab ya when you don't expect it! Link to post Share on other sites
Quixotic_Dancer Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Originally posted by mjk Her reply was "Quit acting like a baby!" Ouch! Boy, was *that* uncalled for! And so original, too (sarcasm, obviously, intended). You sound right on the money when you call this woman immature. Since you'll have to maintain a relationship with her, because of your daughter, I think you're right in taking the high road. Otherwise you'll just sink to her level, and end up having dialogues like this: "No, you're the baby!" "No, you are !" And what kind of an example would that be for your daughter. Moimeme's advice to protect yourself with a "cloak" is great, and to keep your discussions on a business-like level. How unfortunate that you have to have such close relations with someone so unpredictable, volatile, and insensitive. (But can I interest you in a voodoo doll?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author mjk Posted December 27, 2003 Author Share Posted December 27, 2003 Hey Quixotic-Dancer, Thanks again today!!!! I appreciate your input. I guess I just neded to vent and I get way more out of LS'rs input than calling a buddy... This is also the first time in my life that I have had an "ongoing relationship" with someone after a break-up only because of our daughter. And just when you think the bitterness on her part is gone...Poof!...here I am again! And it wasn't me who ended the relationship!! How unfortunate that you have to have such close relations with someone so unpredictable, volatile, and insensitive. You don't know her do you!!! lol! Oh Yeah,...about that doll................................................. Link to post Share on other sites
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