Inferior

[nama]

I come from a family where we are pressured to do well (academically). My dad seems to want to live through his four daughters. I am the eldest. I disappointed my father. I never did well as I 'should have'. I did well in theory - but not enough for him to say that. I am intelliegent but not academic. I am now a high school teacher - still unsure what I want to do with my life. I am 28. My sister younger than me is very academic and went to a very prestigious university and is thinking of doing a PhD.

I want to be proud of her and happy that she has done well but I feel jealous. Its not even that she went to a great university and that she is going for a PhD, its the fact that I am considered to be stupid and therefore inferior. I struggle with this because I am being compared. I know she is academically better than me - I accept that. I don't know how to deal with the attitudes of others. And I suppose the fact that I still don't know where I am going in life in terms of career.

Has anyone been through somethine similar?

Thanks xx

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, nama.

Your dad was/is wrong to put all his lost dreams and unrealistic expectations on you and your sisters.

It is one of his limitations (human flaws) that he cannot feel or articulate that he is proud of you, and that he cannot just love and accept each of you for your unique-individual gifts, talents and choices.

 

You do not have to follow his bad example. You do not have to compare yourself to your sister(s). You do not have to use your dad's unreal/idealized "measuring stick" to assess how well you have accomplished your adult, self-determined goals. You can love yourself and be proud of yourself for your unique qualities and those achievements that you worked hard to gain. And you can forgive yourself for your own limitations; for being human.

 

And you can do all of that for your sisters and your dad, as well -- love and admire the many things in each of them that can be loved and admired, and forgive their human flaws. You don't have to expect perfection from yourself or from them just because your dad appears to be expecting that.

 

In my opinion, it's perfectly fine that you don't know where you are going to end up in life. If, within yourself, you are happy and at peace with where you are right now...well, you can love and admire yourself for that!

 

Very best of luck.