I am childfree and dating someone with kids and am losing my mind!

[texaslonghorn31]

I just found this site and am hoping that there are some people out there that have been in my situation and can offer some advice. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year now and things had been going very well. That is until his children starting coming around. The kids had been with the mom mainly and he would see them several times a week but then he would always take them back to their mom's at night. He and I live together and for most of the relationship the kids were not an issue because I was not around them. When he would go get thrm for their time together, I always had time to myself or to take care of the things I needed to (errands, cleaning house, relaxation time, etc.). It worked well because I had my time with him, he had his time with the kids, and I had my time alone (I do not have children and lived alone before he moved in).

 

Anyway, he decided it was time for me to meet the kids...fine...I am thinking dinner or roller skating or something for an hour or so here and there. Nooooo....that means they are now coming over to where I live for days on end. When I moved into the apartment where I currently live, it was just me, so I got a one-bedroom place. Then he moved in, still a bit cramped but not too bad, now he is bringing TWO children here. They are girls aged 3 and 6. So now, starting every Saturday at 3 PM until Monday night at like 8 PM, I am in my own home with him, 5 cats and two children. I hate being here and feel like when they are here I have to sit in my own home, anxious and nervous, having to entertain them the entire time and playing Betty Crocker (making dinner, picking up after them, etc.). When they go to bed (they are at the moment having to sleep on the living room floor) I have to go to my room and shut the door because I can't be anywhere else in the house or they might wake up. I have told my BF that I feel overrun and dumped on and that it isn't fair to me. I never really wanted kids (I am 32 years old) and while I don't mind them around sometimes, I am not their mommy and have no desire to be. He is a great father and doesn't understand why I am not just thrilled everytime they come over.

 

I dread the weekends because they are so stressful. I work in a very high stress job full time and now I don't even have a home to come home to and relax. When he and I are with the kids, I am essentailly ignored because their needs come first and nothing I say or need matters. Had I realized it would be like this when I first met him, I probably wouldn't have become involved with him because of the kids. When they are not here we argue about when they will be here. I love him and in all other respects we used to have a good relationship and were very compatible. I try very hard to be good to the kids because it isn't their fault really, they are just kids and they are pretty well behaved most of the time. I just don't know how I can intergrate myself or change myself to accept them as part of my life. My BF and I have made an appointment to start seeing a family counselor, but the soonest they can get us in is still over a month away and I fear we will fall apart before then.

 

Any advice with how to deal with this would be helpful. I have many friends but they have never been in this situation. I (and my friends) are a group of girls who are all highly educated (minimum of bachelor's degrees if not master's degrees), work full time and support ourselves, mostly single and all child free. They all think I am crazy for getting involved with someone with kids in the first place.

 

Thanks....

[moimeme]

and that it isn't fair to me.

 

I am not their mommy and have no desire to be.

 

When he and I are with the kids, I am essentailly ignored because their needs come first and nothing I say or need matters.

 

Please, remove yourself from these people's lives. Children need the care of unselfish, loving people. You do not appear to be such a person, nor do you appear to understand how to deal with children.

 

I was part-time stepmom to four kids, which included having them stay with us for a month at a time. I enjoyed being Betty Crocker, as well as everything else that came along with it - and I was rewarded with their affection. Yes, it was hectic at times, but you need to understand that love is about giving, not getting. Since you seem very immersed in what you need and want, you are really not suited to deal with kids and, since this man's children need him in their life, you should really leave and let him find a woman who will accept and love them.

[texaslonghorn31]

You know, you are probably right. Thank you for taking the time to offer your opinion.

[yes]

hm, tell him u need a 2 bedroom place!

 

i can see why you want some peace n quiet on the weekends - can't he have the kids over for only one of sat/sun?

 

i mean i'm assuming you had told him a long time ago that u'r generally not into kids, and while you don't mind short get-togethers, you don't want to live with kids, ever.

 

to moimeme:

 

some ppl just don't do kids. they should stay childless, and there's no problem! i think these two girls can be just fine, living with their mom, seeing their dad, and having a shallow yet friendly relationship with the stepmom. it's great that you were a very involved stepmom, but i don't think everybody needs to be.

 

good luck,

-yes

[texaslonghorn31]

Yes.... we are working on the bigger place thing which may help. He is buying some land in the country and is going to put a house on it. He wanted me to move in but I am thinking it would be better if we each have our own place. That way, I will still have my own quiet haven to go to and he will have a home for the kids when he has them.

 

Thanks to those of you that has responded. It allows me to see different perspectives which is helpful!

[moimeme]

very involved stepmom, but i don't think everybody needs to be

 

It had nothing to do with me. Those kids loved their father to bits and needed to spend lots of time with him. My role was to facilitate that and to help them all relate well to each other and to ensure that it went well when we were all together.

 

In these cases, it is NOT about the adults, yes. It's about the kids and what they need - and kids NEED to spend time with their fathers and not be considered nuisances to be tolerated for short periods of time.

[yes]

i don't know - perhaps i'd feel differently if i was actually involved in a particular situation like this one, but it seems to me right now that the man can arrange to have a good r/s with his kids and the lady AND keep the two separate, without her facilitating anything.

 

i mean - if i had a stressful job and had to put up with two small kids in a small apartment every weekend, all weekend long, i think i'd be losing my mind, too, no matter how good the kids are.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

The point, yes, is that where children are involved, adults have to make sacrifices for the sake of the children. If a person isn't prepared to put someone else's needs before his or her own, that person isn't really good relationship material. It's not as if they are going to have the kids 24/7 every day all the time. They are children and children need and deserve time and attention. Adults understand this and have to make those sacrifices. Children aren't dolls or pets to be played with only when convenient.

[yes]

i disagree that "adults have to make sacrifices", i think "PARENTS have to make sacrifices" - so the man should spend lots of time with the kids and make his sacrifices, but it doesn't mean his lady has to (aside from seeing him less, which should be fine).

 

the kids, - they do need and deserve time with him; however, it doesn't have to happen at a small apartment, and it doesn't have to be sat-mon every time.

 

i think it'd all work out if they had a bigger place - i mean, 2 adults + 2 kids + 5 cats in a 1-bedroom has gotta be madness.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

If she is living with a man with children, she is taking on a parental role - the role of step-parent, which is every bit as important as that of parent. Bottom line, if she doesn't want to deal with the whole package, including the kids, she should let him find a woman who will since those kids deserve to not feel as though they are a nuisance to ANYBODY.

 

This board is filled with screwed up people, many of whom had bad childhood experiences. The way to avoid making more screwed up people is to try to be sure that kids get the best care possible from EVERYBODY in their lives. Certainly the woman who lives with their father is more than just a 'date'.!!!!!!

[yes]

then according to you, somebody who doesn't want kids and doesn't want others' kids staying in their home, should never marry somebody who already has kids?! well, we won't agree on this one, moimeme ... but again, i've never been in such a situation myself so perhaps i'd change my mind.

 

mind you, it's diff't if the kids don't have a mother - then i agree with you, the woman has to take on a parent responsibility, kids need a mom. but these girls DO have a mother and a father, they don't NEED another parent - all they need is quality time with each parent.

 

moreover, i agree that it's terrible if kids ever feel like they're a nuisance - that's why the father has to spend time with them separately from his new lady, if she's not a kids-type. mind you, this lady IS willing to hang out with the kids, just not ALL weekend, EVERY weekend - so i don't see how she's in the wrong here.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

yes - I'm not going to discuss this with you until my fingers fall off. Have you known anybody with step-parents? Do you understand that all adults in a child's life are VERY important to that child, and the fact of biological parentage isn't really the issue? I suggest you do some reading on child development, and particularly on step-parenting to get a more in-depth awareness of the issues involved. Suffice it to say I've heard a judge expound on the subject of the relationships that the parents had with new partners and the importance of that on the kids. It IS a BIG deal, trust me on this.

 

The people I've known in life who were most screwed up were the ones whose step-parents were unloving and neglectful to them.

[Fancy]

Texaslonghorn, I can TOTALLY relate to how you feel. I am your age, have no children, and have no desire whatsoever to have any. I find kids annoying, loud, dirty and obnoxious. I'm sure I'll get flamed for that statement, but it's how I feel and I make no apologies for that.

 

But enough about me. You have every right to feel the way you do and I think it's wise that you've had no children of your own. The problem is, though, that your boyfriend will have his girls in his life from now on. Yes, they'll grow up, but being ages 3 and 6, you've got a looooooong road ahead of you. Unless you're willing and able to share your home, time and love with his girls, there's going to be a large rift between you two from now on.............and it could very possibly split you two up. He's a package deal, period. There's no getting around that. You really need to do some soul searching and decide if he's worth this sacrifice you're going to have to make. If his girls were 16 and 19 I'd say stick it out. But 3 and 6? Yikes!

 

If you don't want to deal with Easy Bake ovens, shoes all over the house, ball games, plays, school events, etc. you need to be honest with your boyfriend and let him know. It might be in everyone's best interest that you two part ways before things get ugly. Please don't scar innocent kids with the hostility I can tell you're already feeling.

 

Good luck to you.

[texaslonghorn31]

Let me see if I can clarify some things.....

 

One of the things my BF states that he likes about me is that I am independant, self-supporting, have a strong group of friends, have strong ties to a good family, have strong career goals, etc. This is very different from the mother of the kids who has was married to for almost 10 years. She rarely worked and only would when he would make her. She wanted to stay at home but the second he hit the door she would take off and leave him with the kids. He paid for her to get a college education but she never wanted to do anything with it. Since they split, she has relied on her parents to support her (she is 31) and just recently got a job where she and the kids have a cottage at the place she works. She still tries to get money ouyt of the BF and will not do things like buy the kids clothes or school supplies which he ends up doing because he will not let them go without. She also does not always keep with the scheduled visits because she will call and tell him to come and get the kids whenever and if he doesn't then she will take them to her parents (which he now refuses to do since he found out that they are hitting the kids....not anything bad enough to be considered abuse but still, no child should ever be hit). I get put in a situation where he calls to tell me the kids are coming over with him NOW because he can't allow them to go to her folks. We can't use his parents to ever watch them as his father abused his 6 year old and isn't allowed around her (and his mother supports his father). Because of the abuse suffered by his 6 year old, he doesn't trust sitters or people he doesn't know. When he calls and says he is on his way over with the kids, I can't exactly say NO. I may not like the kids here all the time but I sure can't let them be abused or hurt.

 

My BF says that he wants his kids to see that women can be strong and have their own life and that they don't have to rely on a man to supprot them or take care of them. Yet, when the kids are here I am the one who has to cook and clean up after them and such which to me just fuels the whole WOMAN ROLE thing. I have known many stepmothers in my life, even had one that I thought was great when I was a teen. And they were all different. Some were VERY involved and some were not. I choose to not be as involved and I do not know how to make my BF understand that I do not get that warm fuzzy feeling when the kids are here that he does.

 

We are going to start seeing a counselor but the earliest they can get us in is Febraury. He has bought some land and plans to put a house on it in January. I do not think I can move out there with them which is what he wants. I think maybe it will be better if I maintain my own place and my own hobbies and spend time with him alone sometimes and spend time with him and the kids sometimes. Maybe in time it will be better. It seems that part of the problem is that we went from the kids NEVER being here to them being here half the time. I have been on my own for a long time and an used to my own place, my own space and having time to myself. He tries to do what he can to take the kids out during the day hours and do things with them and not bring them here till bedtime (that and they are bored here...there is nothing for them to do but watch TV).

 

I don't mean to get people in arguments on here. I just want to see different perspectives that the ones I have been exposed to so far. I may not always agree with what everyone may say, but I appreciate the time taken to offer an opinion.

[texaslonghorn31]

Fancy....

 

Thanks for the words of advice. You make many valid points that I really need to consider.

 

The question that I can't seem to answer though is this...

How do you know what you can and can't handle BEFORE you are exposed to it? I mean, it is all well and good for me to say that I can deal with certain things but then when I get in the situation I may not be able to! I guess that is life though....

[Fancy]

I think we were posting at the same time. I just wanted to add to my prior reply.......I think you two should definitely see the counselor. This may not be something you two can work out on your own. Having a non-biased third party would be very beneficial.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by texaslonghorn31

The question that I can't seem to answer though is this...

How do you know what you can and can't handle BEFORE you are exposed to it?

 

There's no way you can. We all like to think we'd handle a situation a certain way, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, things don't always turn out the way we anticipate.

 

The fact is, you're in the situation now and I can clearly tell you're not enjoying it one bit. This is why you need to be completely honest with yourself and your boyfriend. If you're this unhappy right now, picture yourself 6 months or a year from now. You'll end up taking this out on someone........be it the girls, your boyfriend, a coworker, or even yourself. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're not mother (or stepmother) material. Better to be honest than get into something you'll all regret later.

[ziggue]

You should have never moved in with him. I could never live with a guy with kids. I stress very easily. I would

 

probably go physco. Lol. .

 

I have no kids but I am casually dating a guy with two kids. I know it could never be serious though.

 

The kids are great kids but. 5 and 6. The guy I am seeing (he is 26) says they totally dig me. The kids even told me last time I visited they like me. We get along like a house on fire. I am like a big kid myself when I hang out with them. They probably don't feel threatened by me that's probably why they like me. .

 

Right now I can deal with the situation because I only visit like every second or third weekend. If it was every day that would be a different story.

 

I would rather just hang out with their dad though.

 

He even has the kids more then the mother does. Still don't know what the deal is there. It's usually the other way around. He has them during the week and every second weekend.

 

I guess I am just gonna have to visit him every second weekend in the meantime. Lol. .

 

I get along with all kids fine. They love me to death. I am only good with them when I am in the mood to be but!

[ziggue]

If you dred weekends. Hang out with your boyfriend during the week.

 

Have some alone time on the weekends. That always relaxes me when I am stressed. Time out.

 

Or hang out with friends as well.

[AllyKat]

What is the problem? Did you not realize this man had kids when you got involved with him?

 

Its funny really, you want the parents to raise them, yet you have chosen to be in HIS life which will automatically put you in his kids lives. I really cant understand why you would date someone with kids if you cant handle kids?

 

Do you need a bigger place? Yes, but I doubt you will have the time you still feel you need.

 

I think if you cant try to change how you are thinking, you need to get out now. These kids are still young, the will look to you are a parental role when their mother is not around. How can they not? They cannot cook for themselves, bathe themselves, etc.

 

I have a child who is 5yrs old, if I were dating someone like you, I would stop. In my opinion, you needed to choose someone who doesnt have children. There, solves your problem.

[jenny]

my 1.33 cents:

 

i think there are different functioning roles available. it seems to me the problem here is that your bf is not giving you a consistent message on the way he would like you to interact as a parent model. on one hand, he is valuing your independent, intellectual, and self-sufficient side, but then his actions suggest he would like you to be making the sacrifices that someone who has chosen to be a mother would make.

 

this, i imagine would be very confusing, especially if you are looking to please everyone.

 

you need to talk to him about this, for sure. and hold your ground, if need be. i think the detached independent female figure can be a powerful influence in a child's life - i had a woman who was dating my divorced uncle who i saw once a week who brought me books, talked to me as though i was an adult, and really listened to things i had to say. she was the only woman who had no interest in cuddling me or controlling me - and i think she is the only reason i went to university.

 

bottom line: you must set the ground rules for your role. if you do not, you will be subsumed by his and society's default expectations. right now it sounds like you are drowning in them, and that is not fair to anyone.

 

and i do think there is room to negotiate. but if expects you to become a domestic, and you are not willing, then break it off for everybody's sake. different family dynamics are always available, but tension and resentment are always negative.

[texaslonghorn31]

Thanks for your advice Jenny and to all of you who took the time to offer suggestions.

We talked last night after the kids went to bed and are going to try to work out a schedule with the kids mom so that we do not have the kids every single weekend. Going to try to make it so that they are here Sat- Mon every other week and Sun-Tues on alternate weekends. They will still always be here on Thursday also. This way the BF and I can still plan some things for just us as Saturday night is the only night we can ever go out as he works at 7 AM on Sat so that rules out Friday night.

 

Now if only the kids mom will agree to it as she tends to dump the kids off on other family members most of the time which isn't fair to them either!

 

And Jenny, I grew up with a mom who wasn't too into baking cookies or being domestic, but she is a great lawyer who blaxed the trail for many women behind her at her law firm and taught me to be strong, get an education and stand on your own two feet. Becuase of her I got a MAster's Degree and plan to go after a doctorate at some point in time! Sure is different than my sister-in-law who only went to college to find a husband and quit as soon as she married my brother so she could have kids, stay at home, and refuse to work!

[cdn]

If your desire is to remain childless, then this is the wrong man for you to get serious with. He has children and his involvement in their lives will only increase as they get older. I don't see a way for the two of you to live together in any arrangement that will be fair to you, to him and to his daughters. Something (someone) is going to have to give.

 

There's nothing wrong with not wanting children and there's nothing wrong with wanting them. But I think the odds of happily-ever-after for two people who have such diametrically opposed views of what a relationship with children should consist of is very slim. As to your issue that what your bf admires about you is your independence but yet he expects you to be "Betty Crocker" when his daughters visit, you can hardly blame him if he has bought into the notion that women can have and do it all. And, in fact, it is possible for women to have careers and be financially independent and still be warm and nurturing parents or step-parents. That this is not your cup of tea is fine, but you've picked the wrong guy. Your guy has kids and is interested in being an involved parent. This is good news for his daughters but doesn't reconcile with your vision of who you are or what your relationship with your bf should be.

 

I agree with the poster who recommends that you date the father without living with him. I think you will be doing everyone involved -- yourself included -- an injustice if you stay in this relationship under the current conditions.

[barrelgal]

I am 31 , never married, no kids and don't want any. I have been dating my boyfriend going on five years and he is divorced w/ 2 boys 12 and9. He didn't see them much at first it seemed or maybe I wasn't around him all the time but he gets to missing them and wants to see them more on our time and then wonders why I don't miss them. This is the only thing we fight about too and I am wondering if you are still with your boyfriend. I love mine but if we ever break up I don't think I will ever date a man w/ kids again.

[Stone]

If you loved him you would love his children to.

 

You should be happy that he is active in his childrens lives Would you rather he was a deadbeat? I also think you should leave this relationship but don't blame the children for gods sake. it's not their fault.