I am childfree and dating someone with kids and am losing my mind!

[SilverWing]

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TexasLongHorn

 

I am 26 and in a very familiar realtionship, Only I am married. My husband has two kids from different marriages. Recently , we just got full time custody of the 7 yr old boy. I never thought this would happen. We did just see the kids by weekly weekends and it was great. I want to say run get out before it is too late.

 

My husband and I lived together for sometime, then we broke up and went our separate ways. After 5months I realized I loved him more than I knew. Now we are married and I love him still and there are good times but there are some bad in it too. I have a hard time with the kids. I am not bonded with them like he wants but I can not say I did not try.

 

There are days when they are around I just want to pack all my stuff and run. Only good side is there are times when I am with my husband alone and it is wonderful and it seems worth t.

 

My advice is if you are not comfortable with the kids now, leave now because you will never be number one. I hate to bear the bad advice but, it is not easy and never is there a moment of peace with Kids.

 

Sorry So Bad,

 

SilverWing

[2SidestoStories]

Tx:

 

First, let me give you props for agreeing to attempt family counseling in this situation. It is admirable that you have the desire to be as responsible as you know how to be, especially considering the fact that you were not interested in being a mother. However, I think the point that keeps getting near-hits but is being missed here is this: children are people, too! I have read through all of the responses here, and have to say that while I agree with some of the points that have been made, this particular bit has been alluded to but not stated bluntly.

 

I have no problems whatsoever with your personal choices regarding a career, and pursuing your education to the fullest. In fact, I find that outright admirable. I am personally on a track to doing the same for myself and my kids at this point, and hope that I will actually be able to accomplish it all.

 

I will ask you to consider these points, and apologize if they sound like repetition of prior questions/comments, since they might!

 

1.) What are the most important aspects of your relationship with your boyfriend? By this, I mean what do you value most highly in him as a person? What do you love about him? What do you get out of the relationship? What does your bf get out of the relationship? Have you had a thorough talk with him about expectations and boundaries? There needs to be mutual respect here, if this is to work on any level. What do you want out of the relationship? Are you willing to make sacrifices? Is he? What would be the required sacrifices each of you would make, and do they suit the best interests of the children? This is valid because your bf has a responsibility to see that the needs of his kids are being met, above those of his relationship with you.

 

2.) Another poster mentioned that

you will never be number one

First, I would like to point out that this oughtn't be your M.O. even in a relationship with a man who does not have children - it's not healthy, in my opinion. (flame away, those who may disagree!) Please, for the sake of those kiddos, do not ever put any of you in the position of having to 'choose.' Rather than seeing this as a complete invasion of your personal space, consider it a possibility to enrich the lives of two up-and-coming amazing little girls who whether you like it or not will be looking up to you as a role model. Children emulate those adults around them, as you pointed out with regard to your own mother. Realize that they will see your behavior, whether it is good, bad, or otherwise, and they will be prone to imitate it. It does not matter whether you want to be their surrogate mom or not; you are around their father, and they will observe and learn from you. It is up to you, and your boyfriend, what they learn from this experience.

 

3.) This is a point that has been made on more than one occasion in this thread: The relationship that you have currently with your bf is apparently not productive for you and he, which will certainly have a detrimental (as mentioned before!) effect on the kids as well. You are an intelligent woman; you seem to be able to communicate well, at least in written form. As fancy said, BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF! If the living situation is too much for you to handle, then you must make that clear to your bf, and fast. You may be judged harshly, but ask yourself if it is worth it to you, him, and the children to stay involved on a level you are not comfortable with, and what you're willing to do to make changes in the dynamic that is not functioning.

 

I hope I'm not coming off as contradictory. My main points are that you did understand that he has children, and that he is choosing to be involved in their lives. You can expect as they grow older that his involvement will only increase (one would hope) because there will begin to be more activities that the kids are involved with, including school if that's not already part of the package, and their needs will increase: transportation to and from activities on days that they are staying with you and your bf, more food to be consumed as they grow, phone time as they get older, and so forth. You must be absolutely bluntly honest with yourself with regard to what you want out of the relationship, and you need to be able to fully communicate that to your bf. If your desires cannot be met due to his commitment to being a father, you must end the relationship quickly, and must make it as amenable as possible for the sake of the kids. If you are willing to make changes that will be positive (and let me absolutely emphasize positive for ALL of you then there is more likely a future to be had. The counseling will likely be one of the best tools you have in this regard. In the month or so it takes to get to the session, you may have come to the conclusion that this is not the right situation for you anyway, and that is in no way wrong. Trust your heart; you already know whatever it is you desire to do, and you have the ability to make that choice now.

 

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose.

[primrose29]

Hello,

I am separated from my husband of 5 years and we are in the final stages of getting a divorce. We didn't have any children together (thank god) as it would have made this all harder than it already is. I have a professional career, support myself and I am very independent. I work long hours and take great interest in my career and work hard to get what I want and need. I am very close to and involved with my family and have a lot of friends, hobbies and interests. My life is what some would call "full" or at least that's what I thought.

 

Recently I started dating again... and my first date was the end of my search - I never thought it would happen but it has. I had prepared myself for a lot of really bad dates but I met someone very special in February and we have been seeing each other ever since. From even before we met the first time he told me he had children, two kids ages 7 & 10. He stressed over and over that dating him was a package deal. I knew what I was getting into (or so I thought) and as scared as I was about all of this I was able to have open honest discussions with him about it and I was willing to see where this adventure would take us. It's all still very new and there are daily challanges but here is what I have learned....

 

I don't have kids of my own, but being almost 30 and single again I had convinced myself that I didn't want any and would be happy single or at least having no kids. I told myself that I could be happy being the "aunt" and "favorite friend" to all the other children in my life. At the very start of this relationship, we decided that we would wait before introducing me to the kids. However, as all good plans this one blew up on us...I was running a trade show event one day at the local mall not long after we had met and without realizing it he was there with the kids and we litterally ran into each other. Without realizing it he called me by my name and the kids knew then I was the one dad was dating. The rest of the relationship has gone much the same way - from meeting family and friends to our involvement in each others lives. And every minute of it has been wonderful, scarry but wonderful My initial fear of the kids not liking me (you know the evil step scenario) has long diminished as the kids love me and look forward to when they will see me again however every now and then I do get overwhelmed with it all.

 

The kids love me and even go home to "mom" and tell her about everything they do with me and us. We spend a lot of time the four of us when he has the kids which is about 50-60% of the time and when he dosne't have the kids I am his first priority. I consider myself blessed and so very lucky to have found such a great man who is so devoted to his children and to me. Growing up in a home with an abusive and absent father figure and marrying the same type of man (I am just lucky I realized and got out when I did) has made me realize what I now have in my life, which I have never had before. I watch him with his children and I am in awe of him and know in my heart that someday this is the sort of man I want to spend the rest of my life with and have my children with. I have never met a more devoted and loving dad. We have had long discussions about every aspect of our relationship and how having his kids 50-60% of the time will effect things.

 

My time with him and his kids brings something into my life that I never thought I needed or wanted... I am so glad that I was given this chance to realize what a gift I would have been missing if I never had children. His kids love me and ask when they will see me again. They know that I work (which their mother never did but does now) and that I think education is important. At the end of the day even if I am tired, stressed about work or just plain ready to run away, I make an effort to meet them for dinner or to watch them play at the park - and every time is more rewarding than the last. I know most people would say I am crazy, but I feel as if I am the luckiest women in the world. My life is so much happier now and full....of love, laughter and happiness. Their dad treats me like a queen and adores the ground I walk on. I have my career, my friends, family and this whole new part of my life that has made it complete. The time I have with just him is magical and as important to him as it is to me. We are busy making plans for the summer for our weekends alone and with the kids.

 

I never thought I would be able to accept and love somoene elses kids so easily and have them love me. But I have realized that in life some tings are just meant to be.

 

I read what you have all written and think about how every life, relationship and situation is different. I also know that it is sooo easy to fall in love and be in love, but it takes a greater strength to love someone who has children in their lives. It is challenging, and there are days when I think life would be easier as it was before...but I know I wouldn't trade any of this to go back to before. It sounds to me as if many of you out there do not feel the same way, I caution you to think hard, the children have been through enough - don't be only a partial part of their lives with children it's all or nothing wether you are the mother or not. Every adult in a childs life is a role model and should show them love, respect and be an example to them.

 

Good luck and I urge you to search your heart... and remember your decision effects not just two lives but also those of the children.

[miz_barby]

Okay I think that if this poster did not want kids and knew that she should have NEVER became involved with a man who has TWO YOUNG children.

 

These kids will be in his life at least another 12 and 15 years until they are 18. They deserve to be able to spend every weekend all weekend long with their father and NO woman has the right to come between them and him.

 

It is sad that this poster sounds so feelingless towards these two helpless children who didn't ask to be here but were clearly here BEFORE she came into this man's life!

I agree she needs to get out and let him find someone who will love the kids as much as she loves him!

When this poster said they had no desire to be their "mommy" I'm sure no one asked you to be but being a positive part of the children's life since you're with their father should be something you would want to do!

[Kristine]

[color=indigo]I just read your post and not the responses but I need to say what may have already been said. LEAVE HIM! You marry him you become a step-mom to those children. Like it or not they are part of the package. If you don't want to be a mom then get out. If you just don't want to be a mom to those kids, then get out. DO NOT MARRY A MAN WITH CHILDREN IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO ACCEPT AND PARENT THOSE CHILDREN. The cruelest thing you can do is join his family and then exclude those children. You have a choice, they don't. You don't want to participate then leave. [/color]

[ziggue]

I don't know about your situation. I couldn't do it. I used to be in a similar situation with a guy I used to go out with. He had two kids who were 5 and 6 plus he lived like over an hour away from me.

 

Everytime I would go over for a visit. I would feel like a baby sitter/ house wife for him. I got a long with the kids very well but I only just wanted to spend time with their father.

 

Not only that but on weekdays their mother would come over and help them get ready for school. I remember having to leave at around 5am in the morning after staying over on a weekday just so I could avoid running into tthe guy's (my Ex) Ex girlfriend. The mother of his kids.

 

The last time I went and visited the guy about 4, 5 months ago I turned up. The mother was there helping out with the Fruit Shop (with a (girl) friend) he had at the front of the house. I had no warning of that. She left about half an hour later. She was nice to me but I could see her glaring at me out of the corner of my eye when she saw how well I got on with her kids. Got the ****s the rest of the day. Then the next day got stuck babysitting his kids while him and his mate went out to the pub. Had no choice got stuck doing it.

 

After that weekend I thought stuff it. This is not what I want to be doing on the weekends. Traveling for like an hour and a half just to end up being a babysitter/housemaid. For this guy. After that visit I haven't gone back since. It's just wasn't what I wanted and broke off contact with him.

 

About a month later I met a really great guy. Been with him for 3 months. No kids either. Asked him that the first night we met! Lol. .

 

A relationship is just more relaxing and stress free when you don't have to worry about those kind of things. . Also no worry about becoming a step mum/dad either if marraige is in the works.

[Karlise13]

Hi

 

Well, this is not an easy situation.

 

I am childfree myself and believe me, I thought long and hard about why I wanted to remain childfree.

 

To put it succinctly, I don't like anything about the parenting lifestyle. I don't like the schedule, the demands, the financial responsibility, the loss of freedom, etc.

I too have a masters' degree, a demanding career, hobbies and friends I like the freedom to spend time on. I like peace and quiet when I come home. I like to play with my dogs, read a lot, cook, talk on the phone and scribble stories. That to me is heaven on earth.

 

I would be hard pressed to sacrifice any of that for someone's children.

 

That said, I would never ask a PARENT to please change their life around so that they could better accomodate ME.

 

When you date a parent, you are involved with someone who is RESPONSIBLE for childrens' lives. They really don't have much choice in the matter if they are going to be successful parents.

This is a huge undertaking and they are on the job 24/7 (good parents are, anyway)

 

Certainly, there are measures you can take to make your relationship with this man more comfortable (i.e. don't live together, etc)

but if you are truly to be part of his life, you will occasionally be inconvenienced by his children.

 

I feel for you. It sounds like you both care for each other very much, but I'd speak very frankly and honestly to him about the degree to which you don't care to spend time with his kids.

 

I tried dating childed people. Really didn't work for me. I am bored to death by kids. I don't find them charming (unless they are older). I don't like holding babies or playing with them. I find kid-centered activities excrutiating. It's just not for me.

 

Maybe you have a higher tolerance than I did for kids.

In which case, things might work out fine if you only have them in small doses.

 

Myself, things turned out much better when I met a childfree man.

[befuddled11]

I know this post is several months old ... and hopefully TX has things worked out in a way that's good for her, whatever she chose.

 

First off, to the person who accused her of not really loving this guy because she didn't love his children, that's absurd.....and I'm not even going to dignify that remark with an explanation of its insanity.

 

Secondly...to anyone in the original poster's postion.....really, you should seriously not bother getting involved with someone who has children if you yourself know you don't ever want to have children/be a step-parent, or have your partner's children in your life. Just because the kids might not be "in the picture" in the beginning, that doesn't mean they won't be in the future. Logically, if something happens to the biological Mom, those kids are going to end up with their Dad....and if you're dating Dad, or living with him, what do you expect?

 

Now in the original poster's situation, I DO think it was rude and presumptuous of her boyfriend to expect that this 180 degree change in her life was going to be a smooth transition for her. At best, he should have offered immediately, to get them into a larger place to live.......for his girlfriend, and so that his children had their own bedroom and didn't have to sleep on the living floor for God's sake. He sounded like a bit of a loser in that regard. It doesn't even sound like he was trying to make this an easy transition for his girlfriend.

 

I have been in 3 serious relationships with guys who had kids....2 of these, we lived together.

 

In the first relationship, the kids were 8 and 14 yr old girls. Having always wanted children myself, I was thrilled to find such a "SEEMINGLY" wonderful guy who was always a SEEMINGLY great father. But the honeymoon ended not long after we moved in together. He quickly stopped pulling his weight in the home/relationship. Suddenly it was totally up to me to run the home, drive the kids to school, pick them up, do ALL the housework/cooking/cleaning/helping kids with homework, assigning reasonable chores, etc. I got the very short end of the stick. Being in a relationship with me only enhanced his life...being with him made my life horribly chaotic and stressful. What was supposed to be a "partnernship" turned out to be a farce. I also had a full time job and I was just exhausted, but I took my responsibility of "step mom" seriously. But it became unbearable.

 

The second relationship..he had 2 little girls, ages 3 and 5. They were angels. But he was an a**h***, which I didn't realize until after we moved in together. Again, everything in the home was left up to me. And to top it off, he would often rudely throw it in my face, "well you've never had kids, so what do you know." He would expect me to spend the odd "day off" I had, babysitting the kids..while he went out golfing all day...and when I tried to explain that I didn't like being taken advantage of, he would throw in my face, "well none of my ex girlfriends had a problem with spending time with my children." I would have gladly cared for his girls if he had to work.....but for him to p*ss off and drink and golf all day, and EXPECT me to be babysitter, no way.

 

The last guy...he had 2 boys....ages 7 and 10. I gave it one more shot, dating a guy who had kids..this time deciding I would NEVER live with a guy again...and thinking things might be different because these were boys. The boys were holy terrors.....foul mouthed, disrespectful, mouthy, violent, undisciplined......they would come over to my house to visit.....and I the boys would be jumping my furniture, going into my bedroom and going through my drawers and closets, they would go into my fridge and root around in there looking for pop (these were well fed kids, so no, it wasn't that they were starving and looking for food)....they would terrorize my cats (deliberately).....and you know, I never blamed the kids...I blamed their parents..my (then) BF and his ex wife..for doing such a p*ss poor job of raising children. But I realized right then and there that I was beginning to resent these boys...the minute I knew they were coming over to visit, I would cringe. I knew these kids would be in his life for a long time, understandably, and I lost respect for him as a man and parent..because he wasn't doing his job of a parent: teaching them rules, respect and boundaries.

 

After 3 attempts at relationships with men who had kids, I have solemnly vowed to myself that I will never go down this road again. I very much want children of my own one day (if it's meant to be)....but I don't EVER want to deal with the baggage and crap and BS that goes along with someone else's children. I recognize how strongly I feel about this, and because of that, I will not even go for coffee with a guy who's got kids....because I see no point. A guy in that position deserves to date a woman who would be very open to all that goes along with that kind of situation.

 

In my first 2 relationships (these mostly as we all "lived together" and they were with us for a lot of the time), I grew to deeply care about these kids. Did I LOVE THEM? No. Did I care a lot about them? Of course I did. But I just didn't ever feel the special bond that can really only be there between a parent and child. Does that make me a bad person because I didn't "love" their children? No way. At least I'm being honest. Though I didn't love them, I surely was there to bandage skinned knees and let into my bed when they had a bad dream, or to ensure they got to their dentist appt on time...or to take them clothes shopping with my own money.....or attending their Christmas concert even *after* I'd broken up with their Dad.....I always ensured they had clean clothes, a clean bed, good nutritious food, lots of affection, a million bedtime stories, a hug for no reason and the knowledge that they could always come to me.

[lnichols]

I think that having a transition period between never seeing his kids and seeing them all weekend would have been a good idea. Maybe before you two moved in together. Since it is too late for that now. I, too suggest a bigger place. I have two kids, and I never could understand how a man with no kids would accept them. But it has never been a problem. I am having issues with a step child now, so I can relate, except that he is 17 and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Also, think of it from their mom's point of view. I love my boys, but by the time their father's weekend rolls around, I am really ready for time away. That is probably how the mother of those girls feels, too.

 

Look at the bright side, he could have custody. Love him, love his girls. Be firm and set some rules for your place so that they aren't running around like striped asses. Dont be so firm that they hate you, but talk to your BF and tell him that the two of you need to work out some strategy for the weekends. Then work as a team. And get a bigger place. Size, in this case, REALLY does matter!

[andrea19873]

go to http://www.childlessstepmoms.org a non-profit for support & info

[lostpoke]

I having been dating the same man for almost a year now. He has a 7 year old boy who is well mannered, fun and extremely cute. It took me awhile to get used to the whole situation in the beginning, as I have never dated anyone with a child before, but have grown to enjoy spending time with both of them. We recently have talked about moving in together. My question is: What is OK to say to the child and what is not OK? The child spends his weekdays with his mother who is remarried with 2 more children and every other weekend with my BF. During the summer, my BF gets to keep him for a week or two at a time. I have never met his mother and have complete respect for the child and would never say anything derogatory about her. But sometimes when we have alone time together, he says things about his mom that make me think she is not a very intelligent person. Will it ever be OK for me to discipline him? Sometimes I feel like I am just spoiling him rotten because I do not know what my boundaries are. His father as well as I want him to grow up with good values and good parents, but I feel his mother will not guide him in the right direction. Does anyone have any advice?

[lnichols]

You need to talk to your BF and ask him how he feels about that. I am remarried and my sons are 9 and 16. My husband will redirect the kids if needed, but heavier things, such as doling out punishments is my job. By all means, set limits for this boy, as 7 year olds need and want boundaries, but make sure that your ideas on parenting and your BF's are on the same page.

[lostpoke]

Thank you for replying. I agree I need to talk to him about that. I would never feel comfortable dishing out a punishment and do not think it is my place. I just want the child to grow up on the right track with morals and common sense. If his father, my BF, had full custody of him, I feel that he would grow up to be a great man. I just feel like a lot of the time he spends with his mother, stepfather and their new children is corrupting him. There is nothing I can do about this situation so I am kind of stuck..

[lnichols]

What you can do is make a good impression on this child and give him a good role model. Children remember! He'll appreciate it later, believe me. You can make a huge difference in his life during the short amount of time you spend with him. It sounds like you have a good relationship and he is a sweet child. Build on this!

[shastablanca17]

okay Moiemme

 

you may be a great stepmom chic, but kids arent for everyone which is why she's thirty two and childFREE - some people choose to USE their lives and intelligence to study, work, make a real, good impact on society instead of a negative impact on their freedom. Yes, children need to be loved and doted on and this and that, but that's not HER responsibility, that's the mom and dad's responsibility - she wasn't in the bed when they were made she is aware that she just isn't good parenting material which good for her is why she never brought an unwanted child here in the first place. So, dont go blasting her just because she's not Ms. Betty Crocker like you Ms. Moeimme or whatever - she has better things going on right now like her LIFE instead of wiping some screaming kids' asses that arent even hers. And yes youre probably right, she needs to find a more convenient relationship that suits her lifestyle. As for you, I bet you were an aggravating ass kid weren't you??

[crickets]

The kids are your boyfriend's life, And they are partly the reason why he is the kind of man he is today. There is a saying that when you are marrying someone, you are marrying the whole family. That goes with when you are having a relationship with someone, you are having a relationship with his whole family.

 

maybe you should move on, since it is taking a toll on you.

Also, The father should be feeding them and putting the kids in bed instead of you. He need to spend time with them, not you.

[Kizzyfur]

KIDS FIRST AND FOREMOST!!!!

 

If you don't want to deal with someones kids, DON'T DATE A MAN/WOMAN WHO HAS THEM!!!!

[shastablanca17]

OKAY ALLYCAT

 

kids aren't for everyone which is why she never brought an unwanted one here in the first place good for her. WHY does everybody freaking act like your're a bad person or not normal if you don't want kids? That's the problem with society. Everyone still has taht old white man frame of mind where women are only good for rearing retards. Untrue. The kids are his problem, not hers and she didn't say she didn't want them in her life at all. but she works hard every day and she doesn't need to be taking care of them, he does. It ALWAYS seems to be the same damned issue - girl dates guy he has kids but "oh, it's okay they live with they're mom." Well GET READY CHILDFREE LADIES cuz it never fails as soon as you start to love the man and want him to stay in your life here come his little hoodlum assed kids eating you out of house and freakin home, stinkin up the bathroom and ruining the carpet. YOUR carpet. She wasn't in the bed when they were conceived okay. PArents act like Everyone has to deal with their little retards and everyone has to like them. Well, I got news for ya. Everyone doesn't. and we're not the ones with the problem. You are. And they're called KIDS.

 

Is it just me or do people get stupider after having kids??

[Kizzyfur]

I don't think everyone is saying that all women are good for is raising kids. I know I didn't. It's true that not everyone wants kids and that's all well and good. All I'm saying is you shouldn't get hooked up with anyone who has kids and expect that the kids won't be part of your life as well. If you know the person your dating has kids and you want nothing to do with them, get out of the relationship, like, NOW. Let the other person go so he/she can find someone who will love and cherish him/her as well as his/her children. Yes, the kids are the "problem" of the parent. But if you're going to get involved with someone who has them, be prepared to accept the kids as well.

 

Yes he should be responsible for his own kids. But if she intends to stay with this guy, she needs to accept the kids and be involved in their lives too. She can't expect him to have nothing to do with his own children just because she never wanted any of her own.

[lnichols]

Hey, Shastablanca! Although I do agree with you that choosing not to have children is up to every individual, I have to say that your attack of parenthood is every bit as distasteful to me as assuming that all women want children is to you. Quite to the contrary, I became MORE intelligent after I became a parent because I wanted to raise intelligent children. No matter how anyone feels about the issue of whether or not to have children, the fact remains that if you choose to be with someone who is a parent, you will end up sharing this responsibility whether you like it or not, if you choose to remain in the relationship. Note that I stressed choice here. You can choose not to be with someone who has children.

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

And any person who puts a relationship (read "sex") above their children is NOT a good parent and does not need to have their children on a consistent basis. Parenthood is a career in and of itself. Everything you do has to be done with the interests of the children at heart.

 

Can you imagine being a child and knowing that daddy or mommy puts some boyfriend/girlfriend person over you? How loved would that make you feel? How secure?

 

Love him, love, or at least like, his kids. If you don't like kids, find another boyfriend. Don't ever think that you are so special that you can come between a parent and child. It is a bond that cannot be broken. At least not for me.

[shastablanca17]

HI INCHOLS!,

 

Look, everyone is right that she should probably find someone without kids that would suit her lifestyle better. I'm not saying your wrong there. What I was attacking was the fact that everyone's like "Oh wel she doesn't like kids she's a selfish person and should never have them. Everyone changes after they have kids. It's a biological fact. I have been in the same situation as Texaslonghorn - he was my first love and happened to be alot older than me at the time. about a week into out relationship I found some little photos by the pool of two small children about 7and 8 years old. They looked like him. I asked if they were his and he said yes. I asked him how he could "forget" to mention to me that he had kids. All the dumbass said over and over again was "I would never deny my kids to anybody. Im like, dude, youre not answering my question... Anyways, by then I really had feelings for him and the relationship continued for about 4 years. The kids always lived with they're mom and we would go visit alot - we even spent the night with them sometimes. Right after I graduated highschool and started getting ready for college, they both end up moving in with us. They're like both bi-polar and schitzophrenic and way to immature for their age and I tried for six months but I just couldn't deal with kids on a permanent basis. Especially retards. Now I LIKED them but it was impossible for me to LOVE them. Face it. We're not made to love other people's kids. For those who do, good for them. YOUR OWN kids to you I'm sure are a different story. We never had any. Anyway that was the end of it and yes it made me bitter because EVERYBODY KNOWS KIDS COME FIRST YATTAYATTAYATTA but they just came at the wrong ass time for me and got in the way. It's hard for a parent to understand that's why they're so judgemental, because all that they ever talk about, think about, and all they DO are KIDS. Most parents are ont he OTHER side of the story, they never gave THEMSELVES a chance to understand before having kids. It's just aggravating how everyone seems to have baggage, ya know. And it never fails to hit the fan until after you get attached.

 

Sincerely,

Tomi

[lnichols]

I understand where you are coming from on that. I can't imagine why he would not tell you that he had kids from the beginning. I can only come from the standpoint of a single parent. My kids and I were a package deal, and I stated that from the beginning. My husband was involved with a woman before he met me and her kids were what broke them up. The were not well behaved and she didn't attempt to communicate with then beyond yelling. My kids, if I do say so myself, are quiet, well behaved and entertain themselves. And they have learned over the years that when I am happy, their lives are happier. ("When mamma aint happy, nobody's happy") They also hit it off immediately with my husband and he with them. So it was good. I was involved with another man who liked my younger son, but not t he older one, and that man had to go!

 

On another subject, I realize that the term "retard" is thrown around a lot, and is coming back into vogue, but I happen to work with people with developmental disabilities, (retarded people), and I do not appreciate the label. Put labels on jars, not on people. I prefer not to label anyone based on physical traits. I actually prefer to call people by their names!!!

[shastablanca17]

Hi Inchols

 

I NEVER use the word retard with people who are really "special." I respect these people as God's children. However with these kids I call them retards because fo the way they act, it's more of a behavioral issue. Just to clear that up for ya. Thank you for your reply and God bless.

 

sincerely,

Tomi