I just got dumped. My ex keeps texting to find out if I am okay. Respond?

[doubleo]

Before Christmas, I spoke to my long-distance ex (together 8 months) and said she had been distant since she went home for Christmas. I told her as things were I was seriously considering cancelling my trip out to see her in January. She said she wanted me there and thought it would be good for us to get some time together. So I went to visit her for 6 days last week and all was great. The night before I left we went to bed she dropped the bomb. She said she wasn't sure her heart was totally in it. Said she wanted to split. Reasons listed were everything from heart not in it enough to do long distance, her dad's recent bout with cancer, trying to determine med school rotations next year, and what type of medical career she wanted to pursue. Her response was the whole my life is so grey right now. Anyway, I was speechless. Got upset that she strung me along all week and started to pack my stuff to leave immediately. She told me to stay. I started to sleep on the couch by my choice and lasted 30 seconds before realizing that I had to get out of there immediately and leave on my terms. So I packed my stuff, didn't say a word, the whole time she is asking where I am going, and she followed me out to the elevator. Stood in the doorway. Then got out when I asked politely to "get out of the door please". She did. I left. Her roommate text me within 20 minutes to offer a ride or whatever. She text me in an hour to let her know I was safe. Then she sent an email at 2:30am to "get all of my thoughts expressed to you in words". She said a lot of nice things about me, us, whatever, but at face value it reads more like someone trying to let me down easy. Even signed it Love Always. Since then she has texted twice and sent my roommate who she has never met a Facebook message wanting to know I am home and safe.

 

I don't know what to do now when she calls or how long I should go no contact. Do I want it to work? Short answer, yes. I take it very hard that she hasn't called. Just texts/emails. I have not responded to anything. I feel like all she wants to do is speak her peace and clear her conscious and I want to give her time to determine if she made a mistake and really wants to be with me.

 

Is the only way I can get her back is by no contact and hope she comes back? Should I move on? How do I get her back? Cut off all communication? Let her go to let her come back on her own?

 

Appreciate your advise as to what to do next.

 

Also, no other guy is involved. She is not cheating. So rule that out totally.

[HLP234]

Hey man at least she let you know that she is not into it anymore. She is going to a tough time but that should not have anything to do with you. She should be coming to you during this time, not leaving you.

 

You made the right decision by leaving, I would not have stayed there. I think that its pretty much done with and you should do NC and just move on.

 

It is unlikely what she wants to do, but if she wanted you back, you would have to be weary about what she says. Unless she specifically says she wants to work things out, just ignore anything else she says.

 

By her checking if you are ok, she is just playing nice and she does care, but this way it removes her of any guilt. You need to heal and move on with yourself.

 

I would be happy if my ex actually told me it was over instead of pulling me along with a "break" and then leaving me all of a sudden without a word! I was the last to find out she had someone else, and what pisses me off the most was the way she went about it, just never saying anything to conclude what she started.

[EYECANDY000]

It seems like she has every excuse to end it. If you truely believe that all the texts and emails are to clear. Her conscience then just reply that you are home safe and that's it.

[dazzle22]

Someone whom you think loves you, has secretly been carrying a gun in her purse for one week, just not sure when she should shoot you in the heart. She decides to let you unsuspectingly have a great Xmas with her before she does the "mercy killing". You survive, crawl away, but not before she tries to stop you from going into a bush by yourself so you can have some dignity as you "bleed out". So then she sends out her minions to see if you are "ok" after the shooting.....did I get that right???

[carhill]

Yeah, the black widow is infinitely more compassionate, since she eats her mate right after sex

 

OP, don't respond. There's nothing to say.

[D-Lish]

I think your best way of seeing this through is to cut off contact with her.

Its the only real way for her to figure out if she misses you. Someone can't figure out if they miss you if you are still available to them.

 

I suspect that the initial concern is born out of guilt. Once that subsides a little, she can have that opportunity to really figure things out.

 

In the meantime, I think you have to go silent on her.

[gaudi]

I think your best way of seeing this through is to cut off contact with her.

Its the only real way for her to figure out if she misses you. Someone can't figure out if they miss you if you are still available to them.

 

I suspect that the initial concern is born out of guilt. Once that subsides a little, she can have that opportunity to really figure things out.

 

In the meantime, I think you have to go silent on her.

 

This is exactly what I wanted to post. This popped up in a little thought bubble above my head and D-Lish seen it and typed it up before I even had a chance !!!

 

But yeah, you have said you want to make it work.OK.

 

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants,not OK.

 

NC is the way, this will be one way for her to decide if you should be in her life or not, if not, then you're making it easier on yourself by moving on already.

[LovelyDaze]

You said it best: I feel like all she wants to do is speak her peace and clear her conscious

 

Yep. Pretty much...like most exes like to do. Since it seems a little one sided I would not respond. Keep your integrity and try producing some boundaries for yourself. You can't allow her( or anyone else for that matter) to just contact you when she feels up to it and when it is convenient for her. You are not getting a relationship out of that person, just crumbs and crumbs suck.

 

Try it for a week. Just 7 days and see how strong you will start to feel. If you MUST respond to her, judge her initial reaction to you contacting her and how she responds. It will give you the answer you need because if you feel bad STILL, then you know you need to move on 100% without her.

[doubleo]

Thanks for all the advice. This week has been tough, but she did call from a work phone hoping to catch me not screening all my calls. Didn't leave a message but something is definitely on her mind. Just not sure if after a week it is worth trying to contact her back?

 

I kind of want to show her I am not an aweful person who just walked out without a word. That way she knows I am not just angry, have feelings, and won't be messed with. But I also ruin any no contact advantage I have.

 

What do you all think?

[LovelyDaze]

Thanks for all the advice. This week has been tough, but she did call from a work phone hoping to catch me not screening all my calls. Didn't leave a message but something is definitely on her mind. Just not sure if after a week it is worth trying to contact her back?

 

I kind of want to show her I am not an aweful person who just walked out without a word. That way she knows I am not just angry, have feelings, and won't be messed with. But I also ruin any no contact advantage I have.

 

What do you all think?

 

Doesn't matter if she feels you are mad or not. She no longer has a right to know how you feel anymore. Just continue NC. Trust me, if you go completely NC and even make THEM mad, the ex will still find some way to get in touch with you some how some way.

 

It happened to me and many others. I flat out told one ex( a long time ago) that I didn't want him to call anymore if we weren't getting back together..that worked all of us 4 months and what do you know? He was leaving messages at my job for me to return his call and shoot the breeze!

 

Your integrity is at stake. Keep moving on to a better, healthier, and happier life.

[dazzle22]

You want to show HER you are not an awful person??...she is the one who strung you along all Xmas week and then dumped you at the end!.

 

Just read an EXTREMELY interesting post by a guy named Mem11363 about men finding a balance of alpha and beta traits. This woman is a med student. So she is very alpha (I know because I am a woman doctor too). You don't have a chance with a woman like this if you don't "alpha up" in a good way. Read his post..

[SoleMate]

No, do NOT respond to her! That does not help YOU in ANY way!!!!

[doubleo]

Dazzle22, can you send me the link to the post? Mem11363 has a bunch. Thanks!

[dazzle22]

Dazzle22, can you send me the link to the post? Mem11363 has a bunch. Thanks!

 

 

Well, I don't know how to do that. Not sophisticated enough on the computer... It is a post dated Jan 14, 2010, and it is the #10 in a thread called "Can I save my marriage" by flash654. Well worth the search in my opinion.!

[dazzle22]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2598342&postcount=10 I think this is the post about alpha/beta. Not sure if it will come through...

[jerbear]

With LDR's there is no reason to respond back to her.

 

Since you two met and she is "trying" to lessen her guilt. Maybe after a week or two, which is coming up, ONLY IF SHE IS STILL contacting you: "Thank you for your concerned texts, however I am no longer an concern of yours. Good luck and I wish you the best."

 

After this, put her on a blocked list and move on. Only if she is trying to contact you, you don't care, and you feel her contacts are getting annoying. If she no longer contacts you, then let it be, no point creating drama. If she continues to contact you; you'll have to put her back in her place; the dumpster.

[doubleo]

Good read. As of Sunday, the first week of no contact is still in tact. It's gets tougher each day. I have noticed that she has logged in between facebook and gmail chat and stays on as she sees that I am on. (Is she expecting/hoping that I will message her???? or just testing me???) Would say it is unrelated, but she logged on yesterday after me. I was on for about 30 minutes or so then logged off then I got back on almost immediately to send another email and she just logged off.

 

Dazzle22 or others, what do you feel is the next alpha decision/move? Continue the no contact or go about it different? Someone mentioned contact her after a week!?! Good idea or no? Knowing her, my instinct says if we are going to talk or do anything to work this out I will have to make the contact. Mostly, knowing her she has convinced herself that I walked out that Sunday night when we talked, so she has convinced herself the ball is in my court to call/talk. I am operating in unknown waters here being this is my first long-distance relationship.

 

Sidenote: a buddy told me today that no contact is BS. He says do what you want. You want to call...call. He just said ask questions, make her do all the talking/effort. Any thoughts?

[Exit]

No Contact is subjective, it depends on the situation. It's not "BS" nor is it written in stone that you must follow it. It depends on what you want. Would you feel any better to respond to one of her comments? Would you feel any better after having a conversation with her? If so, by all means, do it. But REALLY ask yourself if you will feel better. Not the type of "feeling better" that makes you feel good for about 5 minutes that you were able to hear her voice, and then 10 minutes later you're completely regretting that you gave in.

 

I agree 100% with what someone else said already, during these difficult times, she should have been coming to you for support, not dumping you, so it shows what she thinks of you. Similar to the girl who just dumped me, she's on her last strike at her job and if she's late one more day she gets fired, she just got into a car wreck so now her roommates have to drive her places, she has surgery at the end of this month, and I tried to see that at a good reason why she might have left me, but I'm a really supportive person and I could have been there to help her through all that.

 

I would just leave it alone. From what you've said, it seems like her only concern is making sure that you haven't gone and killed yourself or something, so she won't feel guilty. She hasn't said a single word about wanting to reconsider things or get back together.

 

I'm in your shoes too. I just got dumped so maybe I'm being arrogant that I expect this girl to text me in less than a week, but I'm pretty sure she will, and unless she mentions wanting to work this out, I'm not going to answer.

 

Like someone already said, when she dumped you she lost the privelage of knowing "how you're doing".

[DenverBachelor]

Also, no other guy is involved. She is not cheating. So rule that out totally.

 

Oh we never rule that out. In fact, it is the basis from which to understand their changes and actions when the breakup occurs. Just because you can't see him or know about him doesn't mean he is not there in the background.

[dazzle22]

Good read. As of Sunday, the first week of no contact is still in tact. It's gets tougher each day. I have noticed that she has logged in between facebook and gmail chat and stays on as she sees that I am on. (Is she expecting/hoping that I will message her???? or just testing me???) Would say it is unrelated, but she logged on yesterday after me. I was on for about 30 minutes or so then logged off then I got back on almost immediately to send another email and she just logged off.

 

Dazzle22 or others, what do you feel is the next alpha decision/move? Continue the no contact or go about it different? Someone mentioned contact her after a week!?! Good idea or no? Knowing her, my instinct says if we are going to talk or do anything to work this out I will have to make the contact. Mostly, knowing her she has convinced herself that I walked out that Sunday night when we talked, so she has convinced herself the ball is in my court to call/talk. I am operating in unknown waters here being this is my first long-distance relationship.

 

Sidenote: a buddy told me today that no contact is BS. He says do what you want. You want to call...call. He just said ask questions, make her do all the talking/effort. Any thoughts?

 

 

You walked out because SHE HAD JUST DUMPED YOU AFTER LEADING YOU ON ALL OF XMAS WEEK, so, no, not the same as if you were the DUMPER walking out. You are right, there are no set rules, except that in this situation, it is like saying, "my buddy drove his car directly into a brick wall and didn't get hurt." Well, bully for him, but the odds of such a move aren't good. Any way you slice this, because she dropped you, you are in the "one down position". Calling first moves you even one rung lower. Very BETA. Start dating others and take your mind off her. She was a HAG to you.