She's 'in love' with me, but marrying him! [long]

[seattlesad]

Hello All,

 

Here is gist of it all. I met a woman almost 3 years ago at my job in Seattle. She was a contractor working there for only a week and I had the chance to work with her. As soon as we met it was like the earth stood still and we were instantly attracted to each other. The chemistry, sparks, etc. were all there. During that week, her boyfriend of 2 years came to visit her, so I met him briefly. They met in college and had an "on again, off again" relationship. He had broken off their relationship early on so he can see other people, then came rushing back to her. They both are from New Mexico and while she was working in Washington for 6 months, she found out a girl who was "supposedly" her friend was getting it on with her boyfriend.

 

Anyway, we flirted that entire week and since I knew she was already taken; I didn't wan't to ever lose touch with this girl. I asked for her e-mail address and she gave it to me. Not too soon after 9-11 occurred and she moved back to New Mexico to the town her boyfriend was from. We lost touch for about 9 months and one day I was doing some spring cleaning and found her e-mail address in my closet. I contacted her and for 5 or 6 months we sent each other nice e-mails about once a month. It wasn't until Fall of '02 she left me her phone number. I called her a few days later and the chemistry was still there. She was having major rif's in her relationship and seemed like she was about to leave him. At that time I was seeing someone, so the thought of getting with the New Mexico girl didn't even cross my mind. Time passed, and we became more and more fond of each other finding we had so many similarities, interests and passions in life.

 

In the beginning of '03, we were really falling for each other, but she was still in a relationship with this guy. She made phone calls to Seattle to try and get her job back. She was really considering leaving him to be with me. Her family, co-workers, friends and relatives all knew about me. Everyone saw how she acted while talking about me and even her own family encouraged her to come see me. I was on her mind all the time, even times she was with "him." In April of this year I sent her a gift to her apartment and her boyfriend caught wind of it. He started acting even more distant to her and it was causing problems. She told him she would stop talking to me, but never did. He figured I was out of the picture.

 

As time went by the feelings became so intense we had to see each other. She called me one day and I asked her when she is coming up to see me. She said she really wanted to but she didn't know what to tell her boyfriend. I thought to myself this was a good girl and I shouldn't be tangled in this web. I told her right then and there it was best we make this our last conversation because there will be a day that comes that one of us will have to say goodbye to the other, because an event (such as marriage) will change everything. She was in shock, but agreed. For days she would try and regain contact with me. She was heartbroken and I guess that fueled her to buy plane tickets.

 

I went on a business trip to Chicago for a week and when I returned I found a message on my machine that said "we have to talk." What I found out was while I was on my trip, her boyfriend got on his knee and proposed to her with a beautiful diamond ring. With a million different things going through her head, she panicked and accepted. When she broke the news to me, she was in tears and didn't eat for days. I figured that was it and was prepared to say my farewells. She said she still wanted to come up and see me.

 

She did come up. She didn't wear her engagement ring. She looked totally and completely head-over-heals for me. We held hands. We cuddled. We watched movies, went out into the city. She stayed in my bed with me and was completely vulnerable. You would've never thought she had a fiancee! I respected her and loved her so I didn't do anything she would've resented me for one day. She said that it was the best weekend of her entire life.

I told her once she gets on that plane, we have to say good-bye for good because she is starting a new chapter of her life. During that weekend, she said things like "I feel like I'm marching to my doom tomorrow" and she actually thought about ripping her return ticket up.

 

When she returned to New Mexico, she called me soon after and said she actually felt guilty at first for spending time with her fiancee. I thought she meant guilty towards him for having come up and see me. She meant guilty for being with him after just leaving me! And the thing is, she is still going through with it! She scheduled the wedding for Jan. '04. Only 4 month after getting engaged! He had her for almost 5 years and had to wait until the point where he thought he might lose her to propose. She said she doesn't want to hurt him and says she is marrying him because they have a history and albeit he hasn't always been the greatest to her, she does have love for him because he's been her best friend for a while. She said she's had an intense pain in her back ever since she left Seattle and she still wants to reveal her true feelings for me, but she must go through with this marriage because "she's in too deep". She even asked me if she is making the right decision! This girl is trying to make herself think everything will be fine if she goes through with this marriage. That all the old visions she once had will still come true even though her and her fiancee lack passion and communication.

 

Are they really marrying for the right reasons? Will she really start to get knots in her stomach as the day draws near? Will this marriage really last? I almost wish she would've said she never had much feelings for me!

 

Any input would be helpful, so maybe I can find my way out of the Twilight Zone. Thanx

[AllyKat]

If anything, this girl needs alone time. She has NO clue what she wants other than eating her cake and having it too! She is cheating on a guy for you?! How can you

 

 

you trust her? (sorry technical difficulties)

 

She is confused, so it seems. But, she never really DID dump this guy, huh? Amazing really...wonder what she tells him about you?

 

If anything even if she dumps him now, leave her alone. You cant date someone when the dont know what the heck they want? If she dumps him, goes with you, dont you wonder if shed take him back?

 

So, she took the ring, and panicked? Yeah, likely. IF she ever loved you, she would have said no. But, she took the ring, then had the balls to betray this guy yet again and NOT wear it around you?! Wow, doesnt that make you want to shell out money and give this girl a ring? I would back off for a bit.

[seattlesad]

Hey Allykat,

 

Thanks for your input.

 

She really doesn't know what the heck she wants. All I can tell you is that she has a younger sister that is married and has 4 children. She seems to have some urgency to walk down the aisle as if her uterus will pack it's bags and leave if she doesn't do it soon.

 

I'm sure she has love for her fiancee if she's put up with his crap for almost 5 years. Also, I think moving to Seattle, leaving her pets (that they bought together), her family, her job and her friends all for me to start all over again is too risky for her. She is 28 years old and thinks if she doesn't start a family now, she'll be an old maid the rest of her life. She is about to be married in 4 weeks. I said my farewells about a month ago and vanished without a trace. I figured the best way to get over her would be to sever all contact.

 

It really sucks that I've waited almost 30 years to feel this 'in love' about a person and it all came crashing down. But like I've been told many times...sometimes the biggest disappointments are a blessing in disguise! Someone as wishy-washy as her would be difficult to trust in the long run.

[amerikajin]

Damn. That's some really heavy stuff, Seattle.

 

It's easy for me to say what you should do, but I think you already know that. The heart makes it really hard sometimes.

 

Objectively, I think what you have to realize is that, however bad her decisions are, she's made them...and everyone has to accept them (including you). She's made the decision to be married to this guy, and unless things change in four weeks, they will be husband and wife. I think you've made the right decisions in leaving them alone, though I know it hasn't been easy for you.

 

Whether the marriage succeeds is, by the looks of things, rather uncertain. If she's getting cozy with you only months before her marriage, that's not a good sign. If she marries him because she's confused, that's not a good sign. Two very bad signs before they've even tied the knot. If I were a bettin man, I wouldn't throw so much as a dollar on the table on this one.

 

Unfortunately, it's not for any of us to judge. Married couples deserve support. I think the right thing to do is to do what you've done. Wish her well and move on. It sucks, I know.

 

I don't believe that there's only one soul mate in our lives, but I do believe that each of us meets a handful of people who touch us in certain ways. We don't meet these people everyday, maybe once every few years. Sometimes they're married, sometimes they're in serious relationships....it's tough to find one who isn't in some way involved with someone else. At least that's my experience.

 

The tough part is, we do have to understand that there's more than just ourselves involved. It's easy to get caught up in all of the emotions we feel, but we have to respect the feelings of the other people involved - the woman you're in love with, her husband/fiancee, and their families who support their union. My guess is she's not making the right move, and the inevitable divorce will ensue. Hopefully, she will come to her senses and avoid the heartbreak and you'll still be available for each other.

[seattlesad]

Thanks Amerikajin.

 

Those are words of wisdom from a very intuitive person. I guess part of true love is the lengths you go to let it go. The hardest decisions are made with the heart. Sometimes in life the things you love the most will run the furthest they possibly can from you, but if it is meant to happen, it will. It is what you take from the learning experience that will set you up to be stronger for the next challenge. Thanks again.

[seattlesad]

If anyone else has any comments, advice, opinions or input....please go right ahead. I would like to learn alot from this experience by people who have gone through situations similar to this or anyone who has gotten married when they had a large part of their heart and mind on someone else.

[Errol]

Damn!

 

My first response is to say Congrats to you for severing ties with her and moving on, and to send silent sympathy for the poor guy who is marrying her. The woman sounds really messed up and very, very weak.

 

enjoy your memories of her and remember that when you find a woman who is honest and worthy of your trust and you two fall in love with each other -- it will make you wonder how you could ever have thought you were in love with this woman.

 

She'll be available again sooner or later -- when her new husband realized how she really is.

[jgiovanna]

I have an extremely close friend in the same situation as she is. She had been dating a guy exclusively for more than 6 years with no marriage proposal. Although he sometimes demonstrated love, he never said I love you and many times acted aloof toward her. She broke up with him and immediately fell in love with a wonderful man. Her biggest fear was to have to go back to her old situation. The old boyfriend was showing up everywhere she was and coming to her home and office unannounced. He was distraught and self destructing so she suggested he see a counselor. Something strange happened when he went to see the counselor.

 

He changed and was no longer unkind and aloof. He was everything she had wished he was when she was with him before. He begged her to marry him. So, she impulsively left the new man she was dating, even though their feelings toward each other were incredibly strong and ran back to boyfriend number 1. He immediately proposed again and she said yes. For a couple of days she thought she was happy,but just could not forget the passion and love she shared with the new man. She tried to stay away but could't'. They started contacting each other by phone and now she is involved with both. Boyfriend number one knows she is having problems getting back the feeling she had for him and realizes she is struggling with the feelings she has for boyfriend number 2. He is aware she was involved with someone else when they broke up and that she continued to speak to boyfriend 2 for sometime after they got back together. He is not aware that they still speak, and that she could not severe the ties to boyfriend number 2 completely. She loved him way too much. Now, she's gone too far.

 

Tragic. She is now involved with both and has to make a decision. She is a good person unselfish in a bad situation. Either way she loses. Either way one man or both men lose. Just tragic.

Nobody wins here.

[seattlesad]

I tend to wonder if the fact that I was not "the chosen one", does and will that always make me the "what if" guy for her or "the one that got away." I also wonder since she did reveal she had many fantasies about me, but we never went forth with them; will she wake up one day and say,"What the hell did I do?" Will the unfulfilled desires drive her crazy one day? I am curious to know if the last person a woman has feelings for before they get married is the one they always wonder "what if?" I wonder this because I believe at the present time, I am the one with the most agony because of the fact that I am left with no one and right back to square one. Right now, she has so many things flooding her mind such as planning for the wedding and the holidays, it's curious to me that all her emotions will return after the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared. She has always been a person needing affirmation among all things. I was told I was the only guy who ever gave her that affirmation. Her fiancee is strong in the area of "acts of service." If something's wrong with her car, he will get if fixed, no questions asked. As far as romantic affection goes with them both, it's very minimal at best. She also told me she initially was never that attracted to him. That it started as a friendship and grew, but as soon as it hit one year, it was mostly downhill from there because of his cheating. I figure if two people fulfill each others needs, there is no reason to seek outside the relationship. It looks like both of them have, but they have made the choice to spend the rest of their lives together. My question is, if it's been a bumpy road the last 2-5 years, what's 40 or 50 going to be like?

[seattlesad]

Hey everyone,

 

I am curious to know what feelings she might be going through right now as she has love for two men and is about to walk down the aisle in a matter of weeks. Anyone been through this? Please feel free to reply...

[befuddled11]

She's not a kid. She's not just fresh out of highschool and new to relationships. She's 28 yrs old. She *claims* to have panicked and accepted her now-fiance's proposal? She's either lying through her teeth, or really very stunned, and has no concept of what marriage or that kind of commitment is about. Either way, she's a dud.

 

Shame on her, for being engaged to him and having snuck off to spend time with you....that's the epitome of dishonest and tacky. I feel sorry for the guy she's marrying because he obviously doesn't know how untrustworthy she is.

 

I understand you've had, and have, feelings for her...but you really need to sit back and take a look at how you're excusing her bad behavior. Is this a woman who's demonstrated morals and values and the ability to be loyal and trusted? No, not at all.

 

Is this a woman who's demonstrated an understanding of making a lifetime commitment to someone? Not in the least. This is the kind of woman men should run far away from.

 

She will marry him, and likely end up divorcing him within the next couple of years...totally breaking his heart....and if she's all worried about being an old maid and not getting on with starting a family, you can rest assured that she'll likely want to start having a family with him fairly soon (because that's what an immature woman would do in a situation like this)....and then she'll be divorced with a kid or two.....and she'll be calling you up, feeding you a lot of BS, professing that you're her "soulmate" and that it wasn't until she married him that she realized you were "the one." This kind of person is as predictable as they come.

 

And not only that, if she could betray him like she did, she will do that to you as well. People who lack morals and principles and integrity don't care much about "boundaries."

 

Thank your lucky stars that the situation isn't reversed, and it's not you she's marrying.

 

Be proud of yourself for breaking off contact with her...and keep it that way.

[amerikajin]

I agree with the previous poster up to a point. I do think she's a person of questionable maturity and stability - no doubt about that. But I don't necessarily think she's a person of poor character. I am not - nor would I - excuse her behavior, but I think character as a whole is different and apart from one's process in choosing a partner. Some people just don't know what the hell they want out of life.

 

I would agree, though: she's a live wire at this point. Don't touch her. Move on before you get shocked.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by amerikajin

....But I don't necessarily think she's a person of poor character. I am not - nor would I - excuse her behavior, but I think character as a whole is different and apart from one's process in choosing a partner. Some people just don't know what the hell they want out of life.

 

Well if her disloyal and deceitful behavior isn't an indicator of her character (or lackthereof), I don't know what is.

 

This isn't a poor gal who can't figure out which guy she wants......this is someone who's basically been having an affair of sorts, for a long period of time, with this poster...behind her now-fiance's back....even going so far as to sneak around to visit him shortly after she's accepted her bf's marriage proposal. You call that the behavior of someone with decent character?

 

If she had good character, she'd have refrained from stringing along, the poster.......she wanted to have her cake and eat it too.

 

And unless you're a bumbling idiot, you don't "panick" and accept someone's marriage proposal...well, unless of course they have a gun to your head. She obviously knew what she was doing. I'd be very inclined to think that she simply enjoys the attention of 2 men. And remember, we are only hearing her side of the story that she's relayed to the poster (Seattle)......I wonder what version her now-fiance would give? Maybe nothing negative she's said about him is even remotely true...but she dogged on him to Mr Seattle, in a lame attempt to justify her sneaking around with him.

 

A person of character doesn't carry on like she has, for so long. Yes, we all make mistakes and have lapses in judgment, but she far exceeded that.

[seattlesad]

I think when a person (such as myself) is suffering, they tend to look at the bigger picture here. It is like on one end, my mind is saying everything you guys are saying to me, but the hurt side is trying to compromise. It was the fact also that for the past year and a half, she always 'tried' to be wary of how she expressed her feelings for me. Many times she would use the word "friend" whether she was trying to make herself not feel guilty by having a longtime boyfriend and then having someone else she had strong feelings for. She said that there were a number of times she had wanted to express her feelings for me, but refrained due to the timing and situation. It was that time when she called and I had first told her it should be our last conversation that she finally revealed that she loved me and her mind would be on me sometimes while spending time with him.

 

I know the mature thing to do is what I did and sever her from my life, but I guess there's a selfish part of me that I'm sure we all have that will take satisfaction in knowing that one day she'll want me back and I will be taken. That even if she stays in a miserable marriage, I will always have been the greener side. Maybe I think that right now because it is the only comforting factor that gets me through the suffering. I was building a vision of what "could be" with this woman, basically keeping myself arms length from women just for the 'idea' of being with the girl I felt I was 'in love' with. As time goes by and my somewhat mundane life changes, I will be like a person in a boat drifting away from the island...only really seeing the 'bigger picture' the further I sail away from it.

 

The input I've been getting are helpful and welcomed. Please feel free to add. Thank you all.

[seattlesad]

I think when a person (such as myself) is suffering, they tend not to look at the bigger picture here. It is like on one end, my mind is saying everything that you guys are saying to me, but the hurt side is trying to compromise. It was the fact also that for the past year and a half, she always 'tried' to be wary of how she expressed her feelings for me. Many times she would use the word "friend" whether she was trying to make herself not feel guilty by having a longtime boyfriend and then having someone else she had strong feelings for. She said that there were a number of times she had wanted to express her feelings for me, but refrained due to the timing and situation. It was that time when she called and I had first told her it should be our last conversation that she finally revealed that she loved me and her mind would be on me many times while spending while being with him.

 

I know the mature thing to do is what I did and sever her from my life, but I guess there's a selfish part of me (that I'm sure we all have) that will take satisfaction in knowing that one day she'll want me back and I will be taken. That even if she stays in a miserable marriage, I will always have been the greener side. Maybe I think that right now because it is the only comforting factor that gets me through the suffering. I was building a vision of what "could be" with this woman, basically keeping myself arms length from other women just for the 'idea' of being with the girl that I felt I was 'in love' with. Even though she didn't try to kiss me or have sex with me, did she still cheat on him. I mean, I know she was sneaky and dishonest, but she even told me before she came that she wouldn't've cheated on him. Upon the last time I talked to her, I found out she might've gave into me if I would've made a move. What is considered 'cheating'? I know you guys are right and in the long-term I will be better off without her, I just hope I don't fill a void by jumping into a relationship to quick. How will I know that I'm ready?

 

As time goes by and my somewhat mundane life changes, I will be like a person in a boat drifting away from the island...only really seeing the 'bigger picture' the further I sail away from it.

 

The input I've been getting are helpful and welcomed. Please feel free to add. Thank you all.

[GoingCrazy]

OK, I have to jump in here. Please don't attack me for this post, but I'm in a similiar situation. I've been with my fiance for almost 3 years. I'm 28, he's 38. We've been engaged for 6 months with the date set for August 2004. We started out as friends. I met him while travelling for business. We emailed and began talking on the phone. He was a nice guy and it was fun to have someone to show me around town. I kept being sent out there for work and a relationship began. We dated long distance for the first year and a half and have been living together since. He's an incredible man. Loves me unconditionally, respects me, we share similiar interests, just overall a great guy, everything a girl would want. Occasionally, I've wondered if we were the best 'fit' for each other though. He's an introvert; I'm an extrovert. Sometimes, I see him as a quiet, shy little boy who never grew into himself. He was a very short child who got picked on a lot, but turned out to be an incredibly handsome, well built, 6'1 great looking man. Unfortunately, he doesn't see himself that way today. Anyway, I thought I was OK with our differences. As we all know, no one is perfect. So what if he's the quiet shy type and a little insecure, he loves and respects me more than I could imagine.

 

Enter Family Friend. I originally met him two years ago at my cousins wedding. We immediately hit it off. Definite chemistry, but he was recently out of a relationship and I had just decided to move to see how things would go with now FI. We didn't pursue anything. Recently, FI and I go back to visit some family just before Thanksgiving. I mentioned the Family Friend to FI because I thought we might run into him. I basically told him that this guys parents loved me and would have loved for us to have gotten together and left it at that. Of course, we do see him. As soon as I turned the corner and saw him, well, I can't describe the feeling. We talked all night. I couldn't stop smiling. I introduced him to FI as 'the man I would be marrying if I wasn't engaged to you'. Occasionally, I looked around to see where FI was that evening, if he was ok, but I don't think I really cared. All I cared about was spending as much time as possible with Family Friend. The chemistry I felt toward him was something I never felt with FI. The rest of the weekend, I was almost obsessed with seeing him again. I had left my purse that evening (complete accident) and I knew he had it, but my mom ended up picking it up for me. When I woke up the next morning, next to FI, it was like I knew I shouldn't be next to FI, but Family Friend. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I woke up thinking about him and I fell asleep thinking about him. When we got home and I went back to work, I knew I still had his email from 2 years ago, so I email him thanking him for taking care of my purse and telling him I think I have a crush on him. He responds and agrees that we have a chemistry between us he's never felt before. He goes on to remind me I'm engaged to be married, make sure I'm confident with that decision and says oftentimes two people don't get second chances and this likely would be our last. He left me his numbers and said to call if I wanted to talk. I called him a few days later. We've been speaking periodically since Thanksgiving. He wanted to come see me, or for me to go see him, but both agreed that isn't the best thing to do right now. I have a lot to think about. I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man who would make a great husband and father. Any girl would be lucky to have him. I'm just not sure if he's the right man for me. I love him. It's just that I've never had an overwheling passion or chemistry with him. I know the grass isn't greener and all that. It just scares me that I'm having these feelings for someone else 7 months before I'm supposed to be getting married. Luckily, the past week or so, I'm not as obsessed about Family Friend as I have been. Thankfully, he lives 800 miles away and I can't see him. Have I been asking myself I wonder if, absolutely. Am I scared to death, yes. I want to be true to myself and my FI. He knows I'm having doubts, but I haven't mentioned Family Friend. I go for my second counseling session on Thurday. This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to make.

[SoleMate]

Hello seattlesad -

 

All I can offer you is my sympathy on your loss. And it is a loss.

 

Will she think of you? Of course. You will be in her mind for years. She may even call you up every now and then, or try to get together. If you wanted, you might even be able to have a tempestuous affair with her at some point. But it sounds like you are the kind of guy who will not settle for sloppy seconds, you want the whole woman, heart and soul and body.

 

You may be quite right that she will not be happy with this other fellow. But the fact is, she has chosen him. Whatever she tells you about their relationship, take with a grain of salt. It would be expecting too much for her to be honest with you about why she really loves him and what binds her to him.

 

I was building a vision of what "could be" with this woman, basically keeping myself arms length from other women just for the 'idea' of being with the girl that I felt I was 'in love' with.

Uh huh. The ideal fantasy woman. And yet you know you will only be satisfied with a woman who is honest and loyal, right?

 

Even though she didn't try to kiss me or have sex with me, did she still cheat on him. I mean, I know she was sneaky and dishonest, but she even told me before she came that she wouldn't've cheated on him. Upon the last time I talked to her, I found out she might've gave into me if I would've made a move.

Yes, she would have had sex with you if you had made the slightest move. Generally 28 year old women don't spend the night in bed with men to whom they are not available sexually.

 

What is considered 'cheating'?

Cheating is anything you do with a member of the opposite sex that you decide not to tell your partner about.

 

I know you guys are right and in the long-term I will be better off without her, I just hope I don't fill a void by jumping into a relationship to quick. How will I know that I'm ready?

 

When you realize that you really do want and deserve a loving, committed woman who thinks you're fantastic and that the lady of whom you have written is not she.

 

Hey, seattle, this is just my opinion, but you look incredibly attractive and I can tell from your posts that you are a caring, intelligent, ethical man. Many MANY women (note I'm not NECESSARILY saying myself) would love to be at your side and tell the world that you belong to one another. I'm talking women who won't be cuddling other men in bed while planning their wedding with you. It bugs the heck out of me when a desirable guy like you ends up with a less than worthy female specimen. Give other women a chance to make you a happy, happy man.

 

Good luck!

[seattlesad]

The New Mexico girl came up EXACTLY one week from her engagement. She had purchased the airline tickets before he popped the question and I suppose she wasn't going to let them go to waste. She came up with a friend of hers and they stayed at my house. I tried to be a total gentleman and respect my boundaries. She had even mentioned that I "froze-up" when she first tried to hug me. While her friend went to sleep in the guest room, me and the girl watched one of our favorite movies,"The Breakfast Club." I went to the recliner, but she made a gesture to sit next to her. I gave her a comforter and we cuddled while watching the movie. The whole weekend she couldn't get her hands off me. It wasn't anything sexual, although many of my friends could tell and relayed to me," she looked like a female dog in heat!" It was basically like she was MY woman for the weekend. No ring on her finger. I think she did that because she didn't want my friends to know she got engaged after the length of time they knew I was talking to her. In any case, many people would say that's not a good sign. On the final night she was with me, she was very touchy-feely and ended up sleeping in my bed. It was more sensual than sexual. A lot of finger touching, cuddling, spooning, she liked feeling on my chest, but no kissing or sex of any kind. She told me weeks after she returned to New Mexico that she felt like kissing me when we were cuddling and watching the movie. A female friend of mine that was with us said she looked like she wanted to 'jump my bones' all weekend.

 

Now...what is your opinion on if she was CHEATING or not? Many would say she DID cheat because of the 2 years that her boyfriend had not known about me; Emotional is just as strong as physical, sometimes even stronger. Some might say because there was no kissing or sex involved, she DIDN'T cheat. Some might say this marriage might not even last a year; But I figure if I am 'out of the picture' so-to-say (it was my doing to sever the friendship/emotional relationship), wont she just forget about me and fall back 'in love' with her fiancee/new husband?

 

What are your thoughts?

[SoleMate]

she was very touchy-feely...ended up sleeping in my bed...a lot of finger touching, cuddling, spooning, she liked feeling on my chest...she felt like kissing me when we were cuddling and watching the movie....

Now...what is your opinion on if she was CHEATING or not?

 

Ummmm...(cough cough)...well, would she have done the same if her boyfriend was in the room with you two? Would she have called him up and told him what you were doing? DID she call him? If you can honestly say yes, then it wasn't cheating. Finally...if she were your girl and was doing this with another guy, would you call it cheating? 99% of the population would say, "Trust has been broken".

 

Also...if it "wasn't anything sexual", how come everyone else watching felt that the air was heavy with sex? Why are you trying to deny that you two were engaged in highly pleasurable pre-sex play the whole weekend, and every single spectator interpreted it that way?

[amerikajin]

>>OK, I have to jump in here. Please don't attack me for this post, but I'm in a similiar situation.<<<

 

I know that you're having doubts, and that by itself isn't a crime. It's good to ask these questions and deal with them before you make the final commitment.

 

But I have to be honest and tell you that I feel for your fiancee. You should not have said "the man I would be marrying if I wasn't engaged to you". That's incredibly disrespectful to show him up like that in front of someone you have a crush on. The guy already suffers from a lack of confidence and you didn't exactly help his cause.

 

If your current man has issues, you need to discuss them. Maybe he doesn't have issues at all; maybe you do. Maybe you both do. Again, talk - don't assume. One thing I can tell you is that the issues - whatever they are - won't go away on their own. If you've got doubts, he's probably not going to be the one to make the call to end the relationship. In fact, from the looks of it, he'll probably do just the opposite. He'll probably cling to you and beg you to stay. Deep inside I think you know this. You're just trying to spare your own feelings because you like the guy as a person and you don't want to see him hurt. I understand that. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you no longer find the guy attractive - at least not as a mate. Your situation won't be resolved by cutting off all contact with your option B (something you should do if you're serious about option A). No, it's only going to be delayed. Sooner or later, someone else will enter your life, and you will be incredibly attracted to them just as you are attracted to the family friend...only this time, he may be only a few blocks away or even down the hall from your office. Then what?

[jmargel]

Seattlesad, I had a similar experience as you & tell you some about my story & what I did. I met this gorgeous woman back in Nov. '02. I was 28 & she was 25. She was in a on/off again relationship with a guy for the past 8 years. We started going out as friends, and she soon confided in me alot of things. One being her bf neglected her, in the terms of love. He saw her as a trophy, only to show her off to his friends. And that they argued about everything and couldn't agree on nothing. A couple of times during the year she told me should was going to end it, but it was like a vicious circle. He would know how far to push her, only to reel her back in. During the spring time my feelings were growing for her, since we spent like every weekend together. My family loved her, and she made me feel on cloud nine all the time. The only time we would argue would be about him. At first I wanted those two to work things out but saw that no matter what she did, it continued to be the same.

 

During the summer, I told her I was in love with her. That I didn't expect her to say it in return but that she needed to know that I do truly love her. We would kiss, hold hands, cuddle, do all the stuff couples do, yet Ishe wasn't mine. Anyway the frustration was getting to be too much and I talked to her and told her that I don't think I could see you again. At first she thought I was joking, but after seeing I was serious she got very upset. I then told her I had alot to think about over the weekend, which I did. I came back and talked to her and said that I would be to selfish to just walk away from what we have, and she did on her part push back from me, in terms of not showing as much affection, etc..

 

Well two months later, we went to a fair with her dad. She told me not too show her any affection around him, because he didnt know me, and he knew her bf well. I was surprised when she was the one showing a great amount of affection & then stated 'I wish you were my bf'. Needless to say we became a couple that week, and she ended it with her ex. Its been over 4 months now we have been together.

 

Now since telling you my story, this is what you probably should be prepared for. Its obvious she has some sort of feelings for you, and she is not sure about marrying this guy. I think what you did by breaking all ties with her was a wrong idea. She valued you for a number of things, one which was friendship. Best friends make the best lovers. She was coming to you for advice and you turned her away!

 

My advice would be to start talking to her again, and tell her that she needs to do with whatever makes her happy. Either being with him, you or being single. Let her know that there are decisions out there, and she doesn't need to feel guilty about any of them. As far as her 'cheating' with you that is a gray area. If they are having problems now, then marriage won't solve anything. She's reaching out to you for the things she is lacking in her current relationship.

 

Tell her you will be there for her, and that you would like to see her. Get her to open up alot. But if she continues to sway towards her current bf, then don't get upset. A few weeks later just mention you went out with someone else and had a really nice time. She'll get the hint that you won't always be around as a safetly net.

 

She obviously needs time to sort things out and by you giving her an ultamatium is just being very selfish.

 

Now, if she decides to end it with him and be with you, be prepared for ALOT of things. You will be having to deal with an ex-bf who now has nothing to lose, and will try anything to get her back. Remember this guy knows how to pull her heart strings, so you need to deal with that. Also you have to realize she won't cut off all feelings for him, even if she's with you all at once. She'll still care about him, and you have to be prepared when she might get that feeling now and then of possibily going back to him, either out of guilt, etc..

 

My best advice on that is, tell her that you are trusting her on letting her deal with the situation. And then do it. She'll love ya up for it. Set some minor ground rules, but don't tell her 'You can't talk to him again, etc..' Because that'll just push her in the opposite direction you want her in. I'm still dealing with that now and its hard. But I know my girlfriend loves me, so our trust with each other is very strong. These kinds of situations puts your insecurities to the test.

[seattlesad]

Hey jmargel,

 

I see where you're coming from and I appreciate your input. However, the two biggest factors in this is that it is more serious in the sense that she will be walking down the aisle in 3 weeks. The other big factor is she lives pretty far away.

 

She already made the decision to marry this guy and I have to respect her decision. To keep her in my life would be too distracting in order for me to move on. If I were to stay in her life, that would be extremely difficult in her marriage knowing she loves two men and has to live her life with one. Sometimes the greatest test in 'true love' is giving it up for the sake of their happiness. Will she be happy in this marriage? Only time will tell.

 

You got to understand too that our time together in those three years only equaled 10 days in all that we actually were in each others presence. Falling in love hits you like a ton of bricks. You don't even realize the impact it has on you until you've lost it completely. There were things about her that weren't perfect. No one is. It was just the fact that we thought we were perfect for each other. Timing is everything sometimes and I guess you can say this was a case of "The right people, the wrong time." We ended things over a month ago very amicably. I bet if our final conversation would have been a movie, there wouldn't've been a dry eye in the theatre. I really DID love this girl despite her imperfections.

 

As much hurt and anger I feel, I just have to thank her for what she's given me. The ability to open myself up, to learn new things about myself and others; to be more creative and romantic; to be happy knowing the other person was happy; to see the good in things, and most importantly, how to let go what you want and love so much. Self sacrifice is one of the toughest tests there is because it shows what you are willing to give up for another ones choices or happiness.

 

If she wasn't getting married in 3 weeks, I might've taken an alternate approach. In this case I went with my gut and although I am suffering right now, I know I will be alright one day.

 

"I gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise.......who knows what the tide'll bring"

[toots307]

Seattle,

 

Sounds to me like you're on the right track. Time heals all wounds. Someday a girl will come along that really is perfect for you - someone that isn't already involved and someone that you can trust to be faithful to you. You're a good looking guy and you sound like a pretty sweet, level-headed person too. Things WILL get better and day by day the pain will subside.

[GoingCrazy]

Hi Seattlesad,

 

I'm sorry for what your going through. This situation is extremely difficult, but you sound like you're dealing fairly well. You obviously have a lot of respect for yourself as well as the New Mexico woman. Part of me wants to tell you to contact her one last time before she walks down the aisle and tell her exactly how you feel, but it sounds as though she's made her choice and you're going to respect that. It's a very honorable thing to do and shows a lot of integrity on your part.

 

In my opinion, for whatever that's worth, I think she's going to regret her decision. It sounds as though she's marrying for all the wrong reasons. I'm surprised she scheduled the wedding only 4 months after the engagement, especially with all the emotions you two were experiencing. Maybe she thought the excitement of planning a wedding would take her mind off you and she would be able to focus on the future with her fiance. As the planning progressed, she probably began to feel overwhelmed with the thought of all the hurt, embarrassment and financial obligations involved with calling off the wedding and it ceased to be an option. Of course, that's no reason to go through with it, but it's also easier said then done. It takes a strong person with respect for themselves and the other person to look deep inside and try to discover what will truly make them happy. As we all know, we are the only one responsible for our happiness. Unfortunately for her, the wedding is one day and as soon as the honeymoon is over and every day life begins, I think she'll open her eyes and wonder where she is.

 

You're trusting your gut. Good for you, that's more than half the battle. Good luck!

 

Amerikajin,

 

I feel for my fiance too. I've said some hurtful things I wish I hadn't. When I introduced him to family friend as the one I'd be marrying if not for you, it was because I already described family friend as the guy whose parents would love for me to marry. I didn't set out for it to be as cruel as it sounded.

 

I think we both have issues. I feel extremely guilty for questioning things at this point. I'm very scared. I've never been at such a decisive point in my life. I'm still attracted to him, but yes, I question if it's enough to commit a lifetime to. I didn't feel the instant chemistry and passion with my fiance that I recently felt with family friend and I'm not sure what to do about it.

 

Seattle, sorry for hijacking your post

[toots307]

To Going Crazy,

 

Just a thought here: you said you dated your fiancee long distance for about a year and a half - that's really something - you have gotten past a big hurdle with this guy and still came out of it together. Life throws us all kinds of challenges every day and relationships are HARD WORK!! So what if you didn't start out with that 'instant chemistry' with your fiancee that you seem to be feeling for the family friend - ask yourself this; Is my fiancee the kind of man that will always work to make himself the best he can be?, does my fiancee have the same morals and values that I do?, how has my fiancee responded to times of conflict?, can I count on him?, will he be a good father etc. etc. - these are all more important things than 'do I get butterflies when he walks in the room.' You have a bond with the fiancee - you are in love with each other. Perhaps the feelings you are having for the family friend have something to do with anxiety - I know lots of people that just start panicking once the reality of marriage hits them. Or perhaps you aren't feeling all that great about yourself right now so new attention makes you feel good. Take some time for YOU. Really think things through. It would be really terrible to get married if you truly aren't ready. Also, the fact that you and your fiancee have different personalites isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes an introvert needs an extrovert to help them out of their shell a bit and sometimes an extrovert needs an introvert to keep them grounded a bit - just an example of how diff. personalites can be perfect for each other. I read a really book by Barbara DeAngelis called 'Are You the One for Me.' It really opened my eyes to some things about myself and perhaps it could help you. Good luck, warm wishes.