She's 'in love' with me, but marrying him! [long]

[steffany]

Love is stickier

 

We can never know what is really going on in another's mind. We can never know their true feelings and intents.

 

If someone is going to exchange vows of love and trust with another....it pretty much paints a clearer picture of this person for you.

 

 

Just be glad that we have free will and can walk away from such people while some of our pride is still intact.

 

And be even gladder we are human and have the capibilities to love many many times.

 

I wish you the strength to except this womans choice and the luck to find true love in your life!

[toots307]

That was really nicely said steffany - I'll remember you when I need to hear some wise words.

[seattlesad]

Our final conversation was the call I made to her one last time to tell her how I truly felt. I put all the cards on the table and told her,"I have accepted the fact that I've lost you forever, but in no way does it change the fact that I am completely and utterly in love with you.......I find that to be such a beautiful thing."

 

I told her to not do what was right for me and not do what was right for her fiancee....but for once in her life, do it for her. Right before we said our goodbyes, she told me that she loved me for the very 'first' and 'final' time. It was in a way that I know she really meant it. It's hard to explain, but there was so much behind the way she said it. It was like I could hear compassion, respect, sincerity, thanks, fear, guilt, loss, and gain all in the way she said it to me.

 

Out of all people she said to me,"As a friend...Do you think I am making the right decision?" She sounded extremely perplexed.

 

I said follow your heart and follow your gut. One thing that was interesting was she said she's had this undeniable pain in her spine ever since she left Seattle. To me, that sounds like 'the gut' trying to tell her something.

 

Upon ending the conversation, we had that tone in our voices that implied 'this is it', and she said,"I can't." I hushed a beautiful phrase in Italian that I once saw in a chapel in Italy. Then I put the phone down for the last time.

 

It has been months, but it was like only yesterday when I heard that warm, inviting laugh, was held in captivity by those deep mysterious gray eyes, and put my hand over my heart while embracing that intoxicating, illuminating smile.

 

As Casanova once put it,"The only true way to find happiness....to reminisce..."

[jmargel]

Well i'm sure she is still thinking about the what ifs. You could always goto the wedding and when they ask if anyone objects you can speak up if you wish.

 

My question is, if you two love each other then why are you sitting on your ass reminicing & wondering? Not too be out of line here, but do you expect her to come running towards you? This girl is confused, and by you just sitting by you are watching her make a mistake.

 

I guess everyone is different but if I were in your shoes, I would be getting her a plane ticket to my place and talking face to face, not on the phone about what she truly wants. Not what is expected of her. That quote if 'Right people, wrong time' is BS in my opinion. YOU have control over your own destiny so its upto you whether or not you want her bad enough to pursue this a little more.

 

Call her up and talk to her. Don't call to ask questions right away, just to talk. IMO you were selfish to just let her go and not even be a friend to her. This isn't about YOU! This is about her needing someone in her life that she feels compassion for. And when she finally does that guy up & leaves.

 

You need to give it some time man. Before my gf left her ex for me, it was a full year. Letting someone go & hoping they will come back is such non-sense. If I did that, I wouldn't have Brandy in my life, and all of her love & joy that goes with being with her.

 

One side note.. My mom was engaged to a guy before she met my dad. If my dad would've given up like you have, I would never be here right now.

 

Just a thought..

[jmargel]

Seattle, I sent you a PM.

 

-Jeff

[xalysabethh]

my situaton is sort of familar but i;ll post it briefly it also is alot more complicaterd but still i'll post it. No flames either please

 

Ok i've been with my husband since we were 15 about 9 year we've been married for 1 1/2 years. we have two small children. 4 years and 6 months. well we've had tons of problems in the past 9 years. his lying, his drugs, him leaving like 11 times. it was a mess well about 3 years ago we decided toe ither work things out or leave. we worked through a lot on our own. got married were happy for the past 3 years then i got pregenet again (planned) well.. when i was 8 months pregent he started talking to some girl from work allt he time sneaking outside to talk to her etc. i found phone bills and messages.. i was devestated he pulledt he same crap that he doesnt know what he wants we split up and wentback and forth from like may- july (our daughter was born in june) finnanly he said he wanted to work things out. so the whole motnh of august we were supposely working on our mrraige during that time i found a card he sent this girl telling her they were destinaly ment to be together. and then i found aletter he wrote her telling he does love her and is serious with her . he swore he wasnt calling her etc on the 1st of october the phone bill came.. he had been calling her multiple times every day still. so i kicked him out. i had never turned him away or kicked him out before. he has been gone since then. he wanted to be wtih her we hardly talked excpet when he comes to see the kids and planned on getting a divorce after our income taxes so we can afford it.

 

Well in the meantime i met this Great guy. he is my soulmate we have th most chemistry etc. we totally belong with each other and i love him. We started out as friends took things real slow and now i have decicded i definatatly want to be with him. well my soon to be ex husband found out iw as talking to this new guy and now all of a sudden hes quit calling that girl wants to go to counclsing the whole deal..

 

i'm in a tough sittuation i'm trying to hold my ground and not go back to my husband i have a history of him leaving me hurting me etc. and i'm totally in love with this new guy. But there are lots of moments ( like last night) when i'm on the brink of having a break down LOL. b/c i just dont know what to do. i have such a history with him and we had all our future plans , our kids etc...

 

i'm sorry i dont have any real advice just to let you know that i can see where she feels the way she does b/c of there history BUT she has made her choice i think you need to stick by your choice of not contunioing on with her. i wish i had better advice or ideas.

 

xalsyabeth

[seattlesad]

Once again, I thank EVERYONE for their support. Don't hesitate to write if you have something to say. Regards, Josh

[jmargel]

Xal,

 

If your ex husband has a history of coming back & then leaving again what will make this any different? Stay strong, and if this other guy is as good as you say he is, why would you even want to consider to go back?

[xalysabethh]

jmargel

 

Thanks for your post i know what you mean about our history that is what is keeping me strong, is thinking about all the hurt he has caused. Also i would say 90 percnet of the time i know i;d never go back but sometimes he starts with the guilt trips or the crying it gets harder. but im hanging in Thanks

xalysabeth

[seattlesad]

Hey to everyone,

 

Thank you for all your help through this perplexing time in my life. I made one more attempt in mid-December to tell her my 'true' feelings. She was very emotional and admitted that she had settled for him due to the 'security factor'. One thing she said when I was attempting to make her look at what she was getting herself into was,"How long before 'WE' are like any other couple?" Of course I thought that statement to be foolish, because you never know until you take a chance. We weren't sure of the future, but we were sure we had a strong love and connection for each other.

 

In her head, she thinks back to the way she felt when she first dated her boyfriend. (Visions of white picket fences and children) I believe after 4 1/2 years of not being treated with affection, affirmation and her loss of trust in him, it was causing her to give up on her dream of marriage [to him]. So when he proposed, all the feelings came rushing back. I showed her a new way to love, with everything that true love should contain. I honestly didn't expect for her to fall in love with me. I can honestly tell you it would've been easier for me if she said,"Josh, I really like you, but I love my boyfriend and THATS why I chose to marry him."

 

It wasn't like that at all and that's what made it hard. She DID say though,"Although he hasn't been very good to me at times, he has been my best friend and I do love him." It sounds more like an obligation issue to me. She said they never had that passionate spark when they met and she wasn't very attracted to him. It was a love that grew, but he was caught in some sticky situations throughout their courtship, so she said she will never have full trust for him.

 

I know I shouldn't excuse her behavior (or mine) for spending the weekend of her birthday with me, and NOT wearing her engagement ring, and spending the night in my arms, not letting her fiancee know she was going to see another man that she loved, etc., but people seem to overlook things when they are in love. Still....no excuse, but we are only human.

 

When he found out about our friendship in March of '03, that is when he started gathering up his money for the ring. He proposed to her two weeks before she came up to see me. I'm sure it was bittersweet for her, but the funny thing was her mind was engulfed with 'me' from the moment she was engaged 'til about 2 months after she returned to New Mexico. She didn't speak to her fiancee even ONCE during her weekend with me. She had mentioned to me a week after she returned that she felt guilty for spending time with her fiancee and she couldn't believe this herself. I thought to myself,"Of course you feel guilty! You just spent the weekend with a 'mystery man', when you are engaged to be married!"

 

What I found out in our final conversation in mid-December was that she meant she felt guilty for spending time with him and she said she felt as if SHE was cheating on ME! I was dumbfounded by this! Although our emotional and physical connection was quite unique, we only spent a total amount of 5 days together in our entire lives! And she felt guilty being with her fiancee after being with him for nearly 5 years! That does and always will blow my mind. Maybe you ladies could identify with that much better than I can.

 

It was a very honest final conversation and she did tell me that although I was obsessively in her thoughts from the moment she was proposed to 'til about 2 months after she returned to her home; her obsessive thoughts of me have subsided a bit. I guess it is the extremely limited contact and the "out of sight, out of mind" factor. She said she was "in too deep" and all the wedding plans were already in progress. She had scheduled her wedding being ultimately confused, but the thought of security and raising a family overpowered the love I could've given her. I wonder if she'll ever regret her decision. And I wonder was this harder on me given the fact I was left with no one. [she, at least had someone to go back to]

 

Towards the end of the conversation, she had told me for the second time in our 1 1/2 year friendship/love affair that she loved me. When the tone in our voices indicated that it would be the last time we would ever talk, in a very emotional way, she said,"I can't" (meaning to say good-bye). I hushed a few words to her in an ancient romance language and shut the phone down. She has been married for almost a month now and it is like living in the twilight zone knowing that only 4 weeks before she exchanged her vows, she said to me,"I Love You."

 

The pain comes and goes like a rollercoaster, but I know true in my heart that the future is bright and I will be happy again one day. That chapter is over in my life and I have to move on. Many people say that one day she will try to find me...whether it is just to see how I am doing or if she is divorced and hoping I am not taken. Of course, the probability will be that I WILL be taken. I can't worry about that anymore. I just have to look forward to the future.

 

This is my last post, as I feel that I have done everything I could to cope with this situation and I couldn't've done it without the help of my closest friends, my mentor, Rachel, and the wonderful members of loveshack.org. (And best of luck to JMargel....people like him keep the dream of true love alive)

 

I wish you all the best and appreciate all the support you have given me...

 

Best Wishes to All,

Joshua David Willington

 

P.S.> Feel free to leave some last thoughts...

[jmargel]

Thanks for the kind words Josh, I've relied on this board quite a bit myself. It's probably saved me from doing some damage in my relationship by not overreacting to things.

 

Personally I don't think her relationship is going to last with him, what I envision is her being unhappy (after the novelity of the wedding, etc..) wears off, and she'll find herself roaming around to some degree, trying to fill in the voids that her & her husband have with each other. I imagine with those thoughts of her, her wedding day was probably filled more with guilt then love.

 

There are alot of women out there and yeah you might run into a few yet that might end up not being worth your time, but in the end you'll find your soulmate. I know the search can be frustrating at times, but it's so well worth it in the end.

[sara78]

Originally posted by seattlesad

Hello All,

 

Here is gist of it all. I met a woman almost 3 years ago at my job in Seattle. She was a contractor working there for only a week and I had the chance to work with her. As soon as we met it was like the earth stood still and we were instantly attracted to each other. The chemistry, sparks, etc. were all there. During that week, her boyfriend of 2 years came to visit her, so I met him briefly. They met in college and had an "on again, off again" relationship. He had broken off their relationship early on so he can see other people, then came rushing back to her. They both are from New Mexico and while she was working in Washington for 6 months, she found out a girl who was "supposedly" her friend was getting it on with her boyfriend.

 

Anyway, we flirted that entire week and since I knew she was already taken; I didn't wan't to ever lose touch with this girl. I asked for her e-mail address and she gave it to me. Not too soon after 9-11 occurred and she moved back to New Mexico to the town her boyfriend was from. We lost touch for about 9 months and one day I was doing some spring cleaning and found her e-mail address in my closet. I contacted her and for 5 or 6 months we sent each other nice e-mails about once a month. It wasn't until Fall of '02 she left me her phone number. I called her a few days later and the chemistry was still there. She was having major rif's in her relationship and seemed like she was about to leave him. At that time I was seeing someone, so the thought of getting with the New Mexico girl didn't even cross my mind. Time passed, and we became more and more fond of each other finding we had so many similarities, interests and passions in life.

 

In the beginning of '03, we were really falling for each other, but she was still in a relationship with this guy. She made phone calls to Seattle to try and get her job back. She was really considering leaving him to be with me. Her family, co-workers, friends and relatives all knew about me. Everyone saw how she acted while talking about me and even her own family encouraged her to come see me. I was on her mind all the time, even times she was with "him." In April of this year I sent her a gift to her apartment and her boyfriend caught wind of it. He started acting even more distant to her and it was causing problems. She told him she would stop talking to me, but never did. He figured I was out of the picture.

 

As time went by the feelings became so intense we had to see each other. She called me one day and I asked her when she is coming up to see me. She said she really wanted to but she didn't know what to tell her boyfriend. I thought to myself this was a good girl and I shouldn't be tangled in this web. I told her right then and there it was best we make this our last conversation because there will be a day that comes that one of us will have to say goodbye to the other, because an event (such as marriage) will change everything. She was in shock, but agreed. For days she would try and regain contact with me. She was heartbroken and I guess that fueled her to buy plane tickets.

 

I went on a business trip to Chicago for a week and when I returned I found a message on my machine that said "we have to talk." What I found out was while I was on my trip, her boyfriend got on his knee and proposed to her with a beautiful diamond ring. With a million different things going through her head, she panicked and accepted. When she broke the news to me, she was in tears and didn't eat for days. I figured that was it and was prepared to say my farewells. She said she still wanted to come up and see me.

 

She did come up. She didn't wear her engagement ring. She looked totally and completely head-over-heals for me. We held hands. We cuddled. We watched movies, went out into the city. She stayed in my bed with me and was completely vulnerable. You would've never thought she had a fiancee! I respected her and loved her so I didn't do anything she would've resented me for one day. She said that it was the best weekend of her entire life.

I told her once she gets on that plane, we have to say good-bye for good because she is starting a new chapter of her life. During that weekend, she said things like "I feel like I'm marching to my doom tomorrow" and she actually thought about ripping her return ticket up.

 

When she returned to New Mexico, she called me soon after and said she actually felt guilty at first for spending time with her fiancee. I thought she meant guilty towards him for having come up and see me. She meant guilty for being with him after just leaving me! And the thing is, she is still going through with it! She scheduled the wedding for Jan. '04. Only 4 month after getting engaged! He had her for almost 5 years and had to wait until the point where he thought he might lose her to propose. She said she doesn't want to hurt him and says she is marrying him because they have a history and albeit he hasn't always been the greatest to her, she does have love for him because he's been her best friend for a while. She said she's had an intense pain in her back ever since she left Seattle and she still wants to reveal her true feelings for me, but she must go through with this marriage because "she's in too deep". She even asked me if she is making the right decision! This girl is trying to make herself think everything will be fine if she goes through with this marriage. That all the old visions she once had will still come true even though her and her fiancee lack passion and communication.

 

Are they really marrying for the right reasons? Will she really start to get knots in her stomach as the day draws near? Will this marriage really last? I almost wish she would've said she never had much feelings for me!

 

Any input would be helpful, so maybe I can find my way out of the Twilight Zone. Thanx