Breaking up -am I being materialistic and how to do it??

[pinkpanther083]

I've come to the decision that I am unhappy in my relationship, but none of the reasons seem to justify me ending it. I'm pretty sure I'd be happier out of the relationship, and probably better off too.

 

My partner has a lot of debt, plus two children from his marriage to support. We've been together 2 and a half years, living together for 2. Initially he moved in with me and my friends, but I still paid rent. Then after 6 months we moved in with my sister and each paid a miniscule £90 rent a month. Since living in our own house (owned by my dad who has knocked £400 off the rent for us), money just seems to dissolve. after paying his debts and giving his ex maintanance money my partner doe snot have a lot left, and I am continually footing the bill for things - even my own birthday 'present' when he said he's take me to London for a couple days. He made the effort to call my boss and arrange time off for me, and he sorted out the trains and found a hotel. Except when we got to tht hotel I paid for it, I pad £40 of the £60 meal we had, and I paid for myself to go on the London eye and to the dungeon (he has a season ticket so didn't need to pay). Needless to say I felt very let down, I asked him when we were there is he'd give the money for the room back to me, he said he would, but I know I'll never see it again.

 

This month, we have absolutely no money, I gave my dad my half of the rent but my partner doesn't have it, all our bills have bounced, we don't even have money for food, well I have about £30 left from what I was given for Chrismas, so we can buy food for now.

 

My partner has also not been to work for 2 months because he has been signed off, he said he isn't enjoying his job, but hasn't done anything to improve his situation, he spends all day at home watching TV. He doesn't even do the house work, maybe one or two loads of laundry. I clean the house when I get in or at the weekend. If I mention it to him he gets agitated and starts to tidy or clean but acts like I have just asked him to sell a kidney or something. My sister thinks he is depressed, but I have lived with him long enough to know him (better than she does anyway) and he isn't depressed, he is lazy, always has been! But this time off work is taking the mick a bit.

 

His children are sweet girls, quite rightly they come first, however I'm begining to feel frustrated with the situation. They stay round every weekend for the night and most of one of the days. They are due to be staying round Tuesday and Thursday nights as well (at the moment their dad goes to their house and looks after them while his ex goes out, he gets home around 11pm). I don't want them to stay over any more, i feel trapped by them, and to be honest I'm not ready for this sort or lifestyle, for the past year I have had doubts about the relationship and broken up with him, only to come back twice. I think maybe I've gotten used to it, so I think it's acceptable as "better the devil you know". I used to enjoy the childrens company, but now it feels that is all our lives are about. We never go out, we never do anything, even when we lived at my sisters (May 2008-Aug 2009). I don't see my friends, mainly because I don't have use of the car on Tuesaday and Thursday nights (it is my car, not our car) as he needs it to go see his children. But then if it's a night when I coild use the car he complains about me going out, and lays on the guilt trip. Last time he made a quip I said "Come on how often do I see my friends" he replied more than he does, I said if he chooses not to see them then that's his choice but I.m choosing to see mine, his response was "Oh so you're saying I stop you from seeing your friends" I gave up on the conversation after that.

 

To make things easier, so he could get around and visit his children I bought him a motor bike and paid for his bike test a total of £1600 (compensation money form a car accident) in August 2008, but he hasn't got it on the road yet, he has tinkered around with it a bit, but I've given up on that too. I'm fed up to be honest.

 

I'm 26, all I want is to be able to see my friends, to go out, to have a life - instead I feel like I have a life sentance. Living together makes it much more difficult to end it all. In the past when I have done it, it turns in to an argument and he just gets nasty. Then he'll calm down and try to talk it over. He never just leaves, he alwasy hangs around for a few hours like he is getting me to change my mind.

 

I feel trapped, emotionally, financially and even mentally! I can't think straight anymore, I aly awake at night with my mind racing. I want out but I don't know how to approach the subject. When I did it last time he said "oh out of the blue" why are you just dropping this on me, you should have spoken to me and given me a few days warning" - How am I suppsed to do that??? What can I say to ease into the conversation?! If I say I'm not happy then the conversation which follows would be about breaking up or working on it - I don't want to to work on it anymore, so the only option would be break up. I just don't know what he expects from me.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to be firm, because all this prevarication and pussyfooting is basically letting him know that you don't mean it, and that he can persuade/talk you out of it....

tell your father you want to break up with your BF and that you want him to move out, and you tell him why. he gave you both the house to rent, and I'm sure when he finds out that you are basically Miss Piggy Bank, he will not be impressed.

Secondly, you tell him - you don't ask, you don't discuss, you don't reason.

You tell him that you are going out for one hour. When you get back, you expect him to be gone. You don't care where, but he's got to go, and that you will be back, precisely an hour *from now* with your dad, to make sure he leaves, because right now, you're struggling to cope and he's doing absolutely nothing to lighten the load.

so he please, has to leave.

And tell him to leave the key if he wants, but your dad's coming round to change the locks.

Have your coat on already, when you say this, and leave, immediately, without turning back.

presumably you have a car.

get in it, leave and be as good as your word.

 

I remember reading somewhere (could even have been on here) that a woman had a hell of a job convincing her BF to leave. She told him time and time again, that it was over, but the jerk wouldn't go, he wouldn't leave, her refused to believe her. He thought she was kidding, and he frankly had it cushy.

Until one morning, he sat down to breakfast with her, and casually asked if she'd slept well.

"No" she replied, "I'm not sleeping well at the moment at all."

"Why?"

"Because I lie awake at night, desperately fighting to resist the almost overwhelming urge to come into this kitchen, pick up *that* knife (points to sharp and lethal looking knife on side)and come into your room and stab you while you're sleeping."

And she just carried on drinking her coffee.

He left that same afternoon.

 

if all else fails.....

[pinkpanther083]

Hi Taramaiden,

 

Your advice is sound, my only concern was that I know he would not be able to get all his stuff together in an hour, and he may not be able to get a lift sorted out. I also worry that it would be cruel, despite everything I know he is a good person. However saying that, going out while he packed was a tactic I wanted to emply last time, but whn I went to leave he just shuted at me and said "Oh so you're running away, what happened to talking?" I suppose if that happened again, I'd just shut the door and go.

 

My dad knows about the situation, I told him the extent of it a couple of day ago, at my request he didn't say anything to my partner. But I know he is very upset about the situation and furious with my partner. My dad has said for me to set some time aside so we can go through things properly. I just worry that involving my dad would be wrong, like me having a weapon to use against my partner. I don't know, maybe this is just guilt talking. I keep thinking how traumatic it will be for him, losing his home and all. I'd be taking it all away. But then I think about it and I'm not prepared to sacrifce my life.

[TaraMaiden]

Listen to me very carefully:

 

You have to distinguish between doing things because ultimately, they are good for (both of you) and doing things because ultimately, they're good for him, and you feel sorry for him.

You can have as much sympathy for him as you like.

If he's not making the effort to help himself and get his life in gear, It's not worth diddly-squat.

It's what we (in Buddhism) call "idiot Compassion".

 

I'm not preaching at you. I'm just telling you, there's a name for it.

 

Enabling somebody's negative behaviour because you think it's helping them, supporting them, and easing their load, is good for nothing, if it deprives them of the opportunity of standing on their own two feet, and they take it for granted that it's what you'll always do anyway.

 

But it's also draining for you, because your energy, effort, kindness and generosity - your compassion - is going unrecognised, unacknowledged and above all, unappreciated.

So it's not working, is it?

there comes a point, when you have to stop beating your head against the brick wall and permit your head to heal, because without a sound head on your shoulders, you devalue yourself, and what you're worth.

 

I understand you don't want to "use your father as a weapon" but I think you need moral support, and as I predicted - he's not happy this is happening to his daughter. but you let it continue, and he's going to get a bit pissy that you're letting it happen, too.....

 

I still believe asking him to leave, and broaching no argument is your best bet to get something happening....

In which case, by all means give him a longer-period ultimatum...Simply because I said "an hour" doesn't mean it has to be an hour!

 

And his use of emotional poking, making remarks about your walking out, wouldn't happen if you had moral support there with you.

 

Besides, his barbed comment can easily be riposted with:

 

"Talking only does any good if people follow up their words with actions. you never have. I've invested a lot in you, and so far, I've not seen you do anything to use that investment in any way.

So I'll tell you what happened to talking.

I'm done talking.

I prefer actions."

 

Actions have always spoken louder than words.

From what you say, he's said little and done even less....

[Enema]

Good post Tara.

 

I agree completely. You're doing damage to yourself because you're afraid of damaging him.

 

This will continue forever unless you grow a backbone. It will be unpleasant, but it has to be done.

[Art_Critic]

I agree with the other posters and would add that you need to sell the motor bike.

If he isn't able to pay his rent then the bike should be sold..

 

I think he is going to take you into deep financial issues if you let this continue.. time to act.

[alphamale]

i agree with A_C

[pinkpanther083]

Hi Everyone, thanks for your input, especially Taramaiden - I can't thank you enough for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I spent last night talking with my family and they are all behind me and say he is no good for me, even my older sister who usually fights in his corner said she wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire.

 

I finish work at 14.30 today and am going home to tell him it's finished. I'm no longer worried about the prospect of doing this, but I am welcoming it and actually excited as it will mean I will have my life back. Of course I feel bad that he will be hurt, and the children also, but I'm not being his doormat anymore.

 

I'll let you know how it goes!

[sweetbaby23]

i hope you the best.