Caleb Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 So I'm going to try and make the last four years as short as possible so I can show yall what has led up to where I am today. Many years ago, in like middle school, I met this girl online. She lived up near Boston, and I'm a good ole country boy from down south. Over the years we started to talk on the phone and became really good friends who came to fall in love. We started dating when I was in high school. At that time I started to cheat on her, because I never thought the day would come to where we could actually be more than just online. So I started to be with this other girl that went to my highschool. Well my senior year of high school, she decided she would move down to the college I would be attending the next year. So she left her home state and came to the college I would be attending. I had aleady fell for this other girl, but there was no way I was going to tell her that. Eventually she found out, tried everything she could to get me back, but my heart just wasn't in it. She started to move on. When I got to college my freshmen year, I realized fast that I messed up big time and I loved her all along. I worked hard for four months to repair the trust she had lost in me and we started dating the next semester. Everything was going great and we were quickly rebuilding our relationship until the end of summer. At the end of the summer, one of my best friends died in a car wreck. I was confused, lost, alone, sad, mad, and every emotion in the book. I delt with these emotions within myself, which in turn pushed her away. Last sememster, while I was going through this, I blindly didn't see her slipping away and falling out of love with me. Over Christmas break, about two weeks ago, she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore and that we needed to break up. She also said she feels that we've been dating for so long, four years off and on, that she hasn't got to experience what else is out there. She wants me to move on. We hugged and cried with each other yesterday after she explained to me for the fifth time that she doesn't love me and wants to move on. This all upsets me because I thought she was the one. Things were going great until the tramatic event happened in my life and I slowly pushed her away. Now that I'm not depressed over the death of my best friend, I'm that guy I was who loves her and wants so bad to be with her. What can I do yall? I love this girl more than any word or anything can describe. I wanted to marry this girl. As of last night when I said my goodbyes, I haven't talked to her. Which is what I plan on doing. Because they say sometimes if you just pretend to move on, they will come back. I hope it'd be that easy. Any suggestions would be awesome yall. Is there a chance things with me and her could work out? If so what do I need to do. Please help me, I'm desperate for answers. Thanks, Caleb Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) First, you have had a series of traumatic events; we all feel for you and are here when you need to talk. Because they say sometimes if you just pretend to move on, they will come back. I hope it'd be that easy. It inst easy, nor should them coming back be your focus. The more you 'do' to make this happen, the less likely it will; even if you cant believe that now, know that it is the truth. If it ended well, and it sounds like it was indeed civil, keep it that way. Don't hurt yourself more by making the typical mistakes many of us have ("baby baby please" type stuff). Keep posting here, read the link in my signature, work on yourself: Gym, appearance, being with friends/make new friends.... It will hurt more before it gets better Caleb... But it will get better. When in doubt, ask us, we are always here. Edited January 13, 2010 by sean1970 Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Like he said^ And remember to be kind to yourself, do not beat yourself up. We all do the best we can and sometime we do it better the others. That is what it islike to be human. Welcome to the club. You can not change the past but what you can is learn and grow from it. I suspect you already started to. Read the Sean's link and follow his suggestions. It will make the process easier, not easier but easier. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 Thanks yall, I read the post you said for me to read. And I'm slowly trying to do all these things. The fact of the matter is, I want her back. Is that wrong of me? Will she ever be back? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Thanks yall, I read the post you said for me to read. And I'm slowly trying to do all these things. The fact of the matter is, I want her back. Is that wrong of me? Will she ever be back? No it is not wrong. Will she come back? who knows but right now the only thing you can know for sure is what your going to do. Doing the things in that link will have as much effect on your future with or with out her then anything else you do. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 "Now that I'm not depressed over the death of my best friend, I'm that guy I was who loves her and wants so bad to be with her." When you were sad you didnt love her and want to be with her? She probably wants someone who loves her all the time regardless of what life throws at you. First of all, i am sorry for the loss of your friend. That must have been devastating, but know that the people who love you most during those times will carry you and you have to be receptive of that, and learn to appreciate it. It is in lifes hardest moments that we find out what we truly want and who we truly are. Life doesnt pause. Your relationship with her was not on hold at this time, it should have grew, but it didnt. I think this could be a learning experience and a chance for you to look deeper into what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 I phrased that wrong SilverStar. I of course still loved her and cared for her. But when I would be depressed, instead of talking with her about my issues I held them inside because I didn't want to worry her with more than she was already having to deal with, such as her school work, internship, and job. So to her it may have seen I didn't care. I am her best friend, she told me last night and she would hate to loose that. But I told her I can't be around because God forbid she started dating someone else. She said she understands completely. Should I stick around as a friend and let her see I'm not that depressed guy? That I'm that same guy she was in love with before my friends death. This is so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) The fact of the matter is, I want her back. Is that wrong of me? Perfectly normal. Will she ever be back? It is not knowable... And the farther along you progress, the more you will see that this can not be the only positive outcome. When a couple breaks up over something other than infidelity or abuse, it is usually that one contracts "Grass is greener" disease (no known cure as of this writing). Some come back because, at some point, they see that all grass, regardless of hue, still needs to be mowed. From your OP, this sounds like something you were afflicted with yourself Caleb. Thinks about 2 things if she does indeed come back... What has Changed? If nothing has changed, what will make it last this time? You can't control her change, but you can control yours. While I'm not an advocate of the dumped using a possible reconciliation as the sole motivation for personal change, it is almost unavoidable that we do initially. We all hit the gym, buy new clothes, actually start to bathe regularly with hopes that the ex will see a new you. The reason I'm not entirely against this is, while it may not work out they way you hope initially, you have built habits and a life style that is conducive to attracting another mate. In other words, it should be viewed as "win win". You just need to maintain should it not work out with her. If she does wander back, be ready to ask her what has changed; "The last thing you told me was that you no longer loved me; how/why is that different now?" Caleb, as blinded by emotion as you surely are, there are things you did not like about her/the relationship. Crank down the lumens that her halo is kicking out in your head and really take a look at this ok... Second best: I'm going to wager that she will indeed contact you at some point; most do. Some dip their toes into the dating waters only to soon realize it is colder than they anticipated. This usually has the dumper firing up the breadcrumb machine aiming it squarely at the dumped (I think my ex actually took a part time job at Progresso to ensure an endless supply) But ask yourself, "How do I feel about being second best...? I was going through a tough time and she left me; do I want to settle for someone that would do that?" Just remember, as far as salvaging the relationship is concerned, it is infinitely more about what you don't do in front of her than what you think you need to. Working on yourself, not contacting her, will do far more Caleb. Edited January 13, 2010 by sean1970 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 So it is true that the dumper will usually contact the one who was dumped? And you hit the nail on the head... I believe she does think the grass is more green on the other side. How long will it take her to realize that it's not the case? And worse... what if I just suck and it is more green? I know that sounds selfish, but it's not meant to come off that way. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) So it is true that the dumper will usually contact the one who was dumped? Unfortunately, yes. And almost always when we are not yet ready for them to. Like where you are now... And you hit the nail on the head... I believe she does think the grass is more green on the other side. How long will it take her to realize that it's not the case? Wrong question... As much as I hate that this gives hope when it needs to be discouraged, the question should be, "Will I be ready when she does?" An even better question, "What do I need to do to attract a better mate?" And worse... what if I just suck and it is more green? Coulds, Denver, Lovely, Grup, HoH...huddle up... It appears we have our work cut out for us here... What's the plan..? Edited January 13, 2010 by sean1970 Link to post Share on other sites
broncosfrk83 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I got the same thing you got. She told me that she loved me but didnt know if she was IN love with me. It hurts and i want her back. But what if things are better for her without me? What if she does come back? Ill just feel like its becuase im her back up and she didnt find anything else. It sucks, im going through all of this now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 Haha Sean... you fellas do have your work cut out. I'm telling you, us southern guys fall hard. So Sean tell me man... I know you're going to hate it, but I had this idea of maybe next week sending her a text and seeing if she wants to do dinner to talk about things? Bc I feel like she won't contact me ever. And broncofreak, I'm sorry to hear that, I know what you're going through. My g/f just straight up told me she did not love me anymore. Rather she meant it or not, well that's another question. Do I think she meant it? Yes. Am I heartbroken? Obviously. But I tell you, I've already found a good group of guys on here that can really help you out. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Haha Sean... you fellas do have your work cut out. I'm telling you, us southern guys fall hard. So Sean tell me man... I know you're going to hate it, but I had this idea of maybe next week sending her a text and seeing if she wants to do dinner to talk about things? Bc I feel like she won't contact me ever. Caleb, if she told you that she does not love you any longer, how many other ways do you want to hear it? The dumper can smell 'needy' and 'desperate' a mile away and it does not wash off in a week. Save some dignity here. Remember, feelings are not a choice ; there has never been anyone ever... ever... talked into loving someone again. I'm not saying she really does not love you, or that she never will again, I'm just telling you, you wont be the one to make her realize it. Don't over think this, just know it's not possible. People want what it seems they cannot have. Right now you are totally available to her. Your mind is racing wondering what she is thinking... what she is doing... who she may be doing it with... You know what that feels like... Let her feel it to.. Let her wonder what you are doing... Give her an opportunity to miss you Caleb. That won't happen with you in her grill. Caleb, you need to realize this is not going to be 'fixed' (if there ever will be a fix) if some things do not change. You need to do some deep thinking about why this relationship failed and what your role was in it. You also need to understand that it wont be fixed in a week (again, if ever). People dont change that quickly. You are going to have to be more patient than you probably ever have been. When/if you do see her again, you had better have done something with yourself. Gym, clothes, job, salsa lessons.. something. Just make sure they are things that improve you regardless of the result with her.... Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Coulds, Denver, Lovely, Grup, HoH...huddle up... It appears we have our work cut out for us here... What's the plan..? bahahaha. but on serious note. the only thing i can say coming from a similar place is that, and i forgot who told me this once in one of my epically depressing and cyclical threads is , WHY DO U WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU? and thats ****ing harsh i know, but i have to tell myself. we are worth so much more. and then to be 2nd best, to be the guy they come back to when they realize they are lonely or the grass isnt greener well **** that. the best thing about love is feeling it back. if its one sided why do u even want to be there. im guessing you miss sex. and therein lies why 75% of ls'r here are men. what women carry between their legs is a powerful weapon. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) and i forgot who told me this once in one of my epically depressing and cyclical threads is WHY DO U WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU? . CaliGuy has exclusive rights to the phrase; you now owe him a quarter for using it... Edited January 13, 2010 by sean1970 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 Haha you fellas are great. Sean, I know that she doesn't want to be with me, but I mean people make mistakes I made when but she still ended up taking me back one year ago. That's why this is difficult. And Grupp, I ain't sure if it's all about the sex with me. I mean don't get me wrong, it was great, but when I think of her I miss her smile and the way she took care of me, and the way she made me feel inside, that's what I miss the most. Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 yeah i dumped my ex last year and she came running. literally knocking down my door, i want to be with you forever etc... then this year. "its over" but i was being extremely needy and the rationalized her decision by acting like a jerk post breakup. live and learn,,,, but i blame myself (still) anyho...keep it moving man, keep it moving Link to post Share on other sites
broncosfrk83 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 It has been two weeks from today we broke up. I have my good times and my bad times. I realized this chick wasnt right for me and that it would have never worked in the long run. Even though i really wish it would have. I hate this roller coaster of emotions im on. One minute im almost laughing at how bad she messed up, but then i go into depression mode. Us fellas gotta stick together! Theres tons of us going through the same thing so as long as we are all here to lean on one another then we got it easy. Trust me, going no contact is so hard but its a win win situation for us. If they come back then we win, but if not hey we still have or dignity plus we have been moving on. I cant wait till my girl realizes what she has lost. Wether she admits it or not, it will happen. Just listen to some good music, that helps me out. Plus start working out. It not only makes u feel better but also then when she sees u next she is like damnnnnn. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
broncosfrk83 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 the best thing about love is feeling it back. if its one sided why do u even want to be there. im guessing you miss sex. and therein lies why 75% of ls'r here are men. what women carry between their legs is a powerful weapon. Thats sooo true. Im in that phase where i do miss her, but i miss that. Plus most of the pain comes from me thinking about her sharing her "weapon" with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Sean, I know that she doesn't want to be with me, but I mean people make mistakes I made when but she still ended up taking me back one year ago. How many "Sorries" have you handed out over time? Im sure she heard you each time. That's why this is difficult. To manipulate a JFK quote to work here... "We choose to go NC, we choose to go work on ourselves... (interrupted by applause) we choose to think about our own future not because these things are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win." You just need to realize that your best opportunity to be back with her has nothing to do with her. Independent, confident, self sufficient people are naturally attractive. Get to work Caleb... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 And I will steal another copy righted line and say "The only way she can miss you if your not there" It is all about you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 Yall all make very good points, pretty sure without you guys I'd have already gave in. But guess what fellas? Day one of no contact is over! Hard as hell, but that's one day I don't have to relive. I know it's possible to go on without my day. Plus this weekend I'm going back home so I can be around my rents and friends from back home. It will A. Keep me away from her. and B. Keep me distracted better. I also talked to my cousin today, she's five years older than me, 25, and she was telling me to do the no contact as well. That yeah she might not come back, but we don't know that yet. And she says, "We'll see how she likes a week or two without you there." She says after two weeks if she hasn't broke the communication, then we have to go to second phase of what to do. And I'm sure you guys will help me out with that as well. Right now I feel pretty good. And you know what, I know that me and her had our rough spots, but the grass if more green, and when she finds that out, I hope to God I have the balls to say HELL NO! But if/when she comes back, and I decide to give her a chance, she has a lot to show me and work for. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Congratulations man it one day closer to a great new life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caleb Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 Thanks Gray! Haha but don't get me wrong, it's still hard as hell. But either she will come back... or I will move on and when she wants me back, I'll be gone. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Either way, your going to be a stronger and better person. And likely you will discover you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
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