Am I Over Reacting?

[waitingfordecember]

Ahhh, my first post.

 

I guess you could say, over the past few months I've been an unregistered "lurker," skimming over the posts and archives.

 

I have a wee bit of a problem in my current and young (it's almost at the three month mark) relationship.

 

Firstly, I'm a bisexual male. This is one of my only really serious relationships with another male.

 

In September, I met Tim - an incredibly awesome, beautiful, intelligent guy. I had my reservations about getting into a relationship. My career is starting to take flight and I didn't know if I could squeeze a significant other into the mix.

 

But Tim asked to make it official after a few dates, and since I liked him so much, I gladly agreed.

 

Now it's almost at the three month mark (as previously mentionned) and we've gotten along well - through the stresses of my production schedule and his rigerous University timetable.

 

The chemistry is great. And we're at that mark now where the shields are being lowered so-to-speak, and we are really starting to connect. He's more affectionate, senitmental and caring then before in the relationship, much to my delight.

 

Now, the problem gets lodged in:

 

Although things are going smoothly in terms of our connection, and whatever - I feel totally taken for granted and at times even lonely.

 

I'm always the one doing those romantic little gestures: roses, cards, little trinkets. He is affectionate (i.e. He's always "I miss you," "You are so beautiful" or what have you) but doesn't even send a romantic e-mail or whatever to express his thoughts. It's not about the material possesions with me at all.

 

He calls me but he gives me what I call "courtesy calls", when he's on his way to work or on his break. Times when he has little time. We're talking 5 or 10 minutes max. After we talk he always says he'll call me back at night or whatever, but without fail rarely does. I call him a lot and he usually never picks up (which isn't necessairly his fault, and it's not personal - he doesn't have caller ID) and I leave a message that never gets returned unless I sound angry, or alas, he's on his way to work.

 

I don't expect chit chat every night - but I'd like it sometimes. How else are we going to get to know eachother on a deeper level?

 

And my latest disappointment is that he hasn't got me a Christmas gift yet, which he admits to. He says he feels bad, but what good does that do? I bought him a great one, and I've seen him show me everything he got for his close friends. But I haven't even got a virtual card yet from him yet. Once again, it's not about the material gain but about what it represents. I'm totally upset.

 

Things on a connection level are great, but I feel taken for granted and like I'm a convience to him. An asset that will make him not feel lonely. I know I deserve better. I also know that he cares for me a lot.

 

Lately I haven't been myself in the relationship - I usually always call, and the past 3 days I really haven't. I turned my cell phone on "Silent" and I'm not answering it. He's called (you know, those courtesy calls) and left messages.

 

I did pick up the phone yesterday when he called on his break, we talked briefly and he wants to spend some time with me Sunday night. I don't know if I should go out with him, or kind of leave him dangling and spend a DVD night at home or with a couple friends.

 

My question is: What the heck should a boy do?

[Tony T]

Tell him precisely how you feel about things...but don't expect changes. People who are selfish and into themselves usually don't much understand and they seldom change. You are clearly being taken for granted. People like this will do the absolute minimum to keep you on a string and nothing more. Once you have a talk and see that any minor changes are only temporary, move on. You're getting a lot of hints here...what more do you want...do you want him to draw illustrations for you???

 

Frankly, I'd be willing to bet you big time that there's somebody else lurking in this picture....just a gut feeling.

[texaslonghorn31]

First of all, have you tried talking to him about any of this? If you haven't then I would suggest letting him know that you NEED him to do more than he is doing. Some guys (straight, bi or gay) I have found do not always function the same as we may. My BF did some of the same things in the beginning. He wouldn't always call when he said he would, he wouldn't really retrun emails, and he really didn't do things I considered romantic. Finally, I figured out that the hints I was dropping were not getting through his head. I sat him down and told him that while they may seem like little things to him, getting phone calls, little things, etc. meant a LOT to me. He said that he wasn't picking up on the hints I was dropping and needed me to just straight out tell him what I needed. He got better after that. He still sucks at email because he isn't really ever on it but he does call and send me text messages daily when we are apart. He said that some of the things that were a big deal to me were never things he considered a big deal, but when I told him what I needed he tries to do things that mean something to me, even if he still doesn't get why it is so important to me.

 

Good luck!

[waitingfordecember]

Thanks Tony & Texas.

 

I'm 95% sure he isn't cheating on me. Highly unlikely. I've been in that situation before, more then once, and things just don't match up.

 

I know I need to talk to him. I just need some distance to gather my forces so I don't really want to talk to him in the meantime.

 

I'm just looking for possible answers as to why this is happening. How he could be so crazy for me (and I know he is) but I'm left feeling lonely and taken for granted.

[midori]

I think you've got good advice from both Tony and texaslonghorn. In your shoes I think I'd say something like, "I feel like there's an imbalance in how we interact. I'm operating as I'm naturally inclined to, and I assume you are too; unfortunately it kind of looks like we've got different ideas about how to express ourselves and relate to each other. I'm not at all materialistic but I'm hurt that it's three days after Christmas, and while you managed to get thoughtful gifts for your friends, I haven't received anything -- not even a card. It's not the gift, it's the thought that counts. I just feel like you don't put much thought into how you interact with me. I don't feel like you're really curious about me, that you're not really that eager to connect to me and get to know me better."

 

Or whatever it is that you're thinking. Just state it in a straightforward, non-accusatory fashion. Say what's troubling you and why. Don't ask him to change anything. And in your own mind, if he doesn't respond to your chat by changing his tune, you know that he's not going to and you should exit pronto, because staying would mean compromising yourself.

 

Many times people aren't aware that their behavior is sending negative signals. These things are very much open to interpretation, so as texaslonghorn suggests you should make him aware of how you're reacting. But don't let hope blind you to the possibility that he's just not that into you.

[AllyKat]

What you need to do is sit down and actually think about what YOU need out of relationship to make it fufilling for you. Do you need those things? Do you enjoy them? There are just some things I want in a relationship...or do not want. I will not settle, and neither should you. You may also want to talk to him, does he realize how you are feeling? Does it help if he knows? These are things you may

 

 

want to ask yourself. Some people are just not that way, I had a ex that never bought me a Christmas gift, I always had to take his money and buy my own from him! I hated that and will NOT do that again!

 

Look inside yourself, the answer is there.