New here and my life just got turned upside down

[MARINE_ONE]

Hi. This is my first post here. I am 38 years old and I have 4 wonderful children, over a 12 year marriage. Granted my wife brought 3 of the children into the marriage and I was able to adopt one of them.(although all four are mine, I have raised the oldest from the age of 3)

 

Over the last several months my wife has asked for a divorce 3 times and then eventually changed her mind. She always changed her mind within in one week.

 

Last week she asked for divorce and is not going to change her mind. She has moved out, got a new cellphone and seems to be completely content with never coming back to me. She has been talking with old high school boyfriends and men on the internet.

 

We already are filing for divorce. It is moving very, very quickly. In fact, she is suppose to sign the papers on Friday and the divorce may be finalized in as little as 30 days and a maximum of 90 days.

 

This whole thing is killing me. I am still in love with my wife even though she doesn't love me anymore. I still want my kids!! I want my family!!! Although, I don't see how that will ever be a possibility again.

 

I am giving her everything. All our personal property that we acquired together, and I am taking on all the bills. I am giving him her more CS than is required and the alimony she asked for. I am doing this cuz I want her to be happy (I am afraid I will regret feeling this way), and I want my kids to have everything they need.

 

I don't know how to get through this. I feel like I am dying inside and that my life will never be the same again. I don't feel like I will ever be happy again. Someone please tell me this isn't true. How long will I feel this way? Please help!!

[silic0ntoad]

Dude. Don't give her anything. She is a cheating slob! You need to make sure you go to your attorney and have the STATE decide what will be given and split and how. Don't give her anything! You have already given her everything for all those years, and now what?

 

She cheats on you, and yet you still give! Don't give her a damned thing.

[Elizabrary]

I am giving her everything. All our personal property that we acquired together, and I am taking on all the bills. I am giving him her more CS than is required and the alimony she asked for. I am doing this cuz I want her to be happy (I am afraid I will regret feeling this way), and I want my kids to have everything they need.

 

 

DO NOT DO THIS! I completely understand how terrible you feel- I am in the midst of it myself. But you have to look out for yourself. If you do this you will regret it in the future. This is not in your best interest, and probably a way of you trying to show her how much you love her to win her back. Go get a lawyer immediately. You need someone objective and clearheaded to watch out for you. If you do nothing else, do this. I understand how you feel, I really do, but as an outsider, I can tell you that you will regret this.

[quankanne]

I am sorry for your loss, M1, but at this point, find it hard to say anything other than if someone has decided they want out of a relationship, there's nothing you can do to make them want to be there. Sorry ...

 

that said, it's very generous of you to be so supportive by giving her more than asked for. One thing you might consider is to purchase precisely what the children need (new clothes, etc) to ensure that they're getting what they need. One drawback to just forking over money is the temptation by the other "responsible party" to "borrow" from those funds with intentions to replace them, but then justify not doing so. In other words, make sure the kids get what they need by providing those items, not the money and trusting someone to use it wisely.

[TaraMaiden]

MARINE, you have to stop what you're doing, in its tracks, right now.

You are working form a purely emotional base, which is dangerous, reckless, foolhardy and extremely stupid.

Because all decisions made from an emotional standpoint are unsound, and almost always self-defeating.

You have to - absolutely have to - make legal provisions for your children, and also to safeguard your own future financial security.

It's vital you do this, because if you let yourself be overwhelmed by the situation, much as you might be working from a point of good intention, you might ultimately deprive your children of future security.

You must do this from a logical, reasonable, thought-out LEGAL standpoint.

 

This is not the way to get her back.

This is playing into her hands, and rolling over like a submissive helpless puppy and letting her kick you to death.

You have to get a grip, and do this part properly. if you let yourself be financially castrated, stripped and hung out to dry, you will be completely and totally drained of any self-worth, self-respect and any ability to stand up and do whatever is needed for the good of your kids.

 

Please - listen to us.

Call a lawyer, and get this worked out properly.

At least, if this is being dealt with as it should be, the rest will unfold as it should. not as she wants.....

[MARINE_ONE]

Thank you all for responding. The reason I am giving her everything is that I don't want to fight. I don't want my kids to go through that. I am also a bit afraid the judge could give her more alimony than what I am offering.

 

I have an attorney. I am giving proper CS.(600 each child) And then offering her 1300.00 alimony a month for two years, which is really in the ballpark of what she deserves. We worked so hard together for 12 years. It does suck that for the next two years I won't have a lot of money, but I don't want this to drag out and hurt the kids, or her, or me.

 

I am also not sure if I want any of our personal property because it would just remind me of what I have lost.

[MARINE_ONE]

I need to add the only personal property we have is the stuff we have in the house we rent. (we were bad with money. mostly because she is bi-polar and we only found out 6 months ago)

 

I have not investments or 401K's of the sort, so I assume she won't be able to touch ones I create after the divorce.

[silic0ntoad]

You need to stop this defeatist attitude. You haven't "lost" anything. If anything, this is the greenlight from god to end the marriage, because your spouse is a CHEATING WHORE.

 

Bit difference between marital problems and infidelity. DO NOT CRUCIFY YOURSELF.

 

You will need that money for new hobbies and expenditures to BETTER YOURSELF.

 

Martyrs prove nothing but the human body is capable of self destruction. Don't martyr yourself in this instance. Your kids will be affected regardless of how this ends, either amicably or otherwise. It doesn't matter if it is quiet or a long drawn out slug fest. They will only be thinking "Why isn't daddy home?" And that's that. DON'T ROLL OVER.

 

Don't let her beat you.

[nobmagnet]

Im sorry you are going thro this cr*p. Bi-polar is an awful illness for not just the sufferer but to the partner, children and other family members. Living in a parallel work means you cannot influecnce her thoughts. To her they are real.

 

I would question if she is taking her medication or in such early diagnosis if she is on the correct medication.

 

Please keep an eye out for behavior patterns. You kids are obviously important to you and its going to be up to you to ensure thay are in a safe stable enviroment. I am not saying get custody but if her Bi-polaris sever and untreated they could be at risk.

 

My cousin is bi-polar. Its so sad and confusing for the ones who love them. I send my very best wishes and a massive ((hug))

 

Nob xx

[MARINE_ONE]

Im sorry you are going thro this cr*p. Bi-polar is an awful illness for not just the sufferer but to the partner, children and other family members. Living in a parallel work means you cannot influecnce her thoughts. To her they are real.

 

I would question if she is taking her medication or in such early diagnosis if she is on the correct medication.

 

Please keep an eye out for behavior patterns. You kids are obviously important to you and its going to be up to you to ensure thay are in a safe stable enviroment. I am not saying get custody but if her Bi-polaris sever and untreated they could be at risk.

 

My cousin is bi-polar. Its so sad and confusing for the ones who love them. I send my very best wishes and a massive ((hug))

 

Nob xx

 

I truly believe it is the illness/medication. This all started when she started taking the meds. But you're right. I can't convince her that she isn't acting normal. Even though she is acting completely different than she has in the other 11 years of our marriage.

 

I know there is no chance to get her back because 90% of people with bi-polar get divorced. That's if she is bi-polar. The quack she saw diagnosed her in 40 minutes and put her on meds that have completely changed her. I talk to the doctor and she said to go to a marriage counselor instead of changing meds, but my wife wouldn't go.

 

Maybe I am a fool though and she has just planned this from the day I met her. Maybe she saw how I was and knew she was 19 with three kids and didn't have even a high school diploma, so she used me. I don't know.

 

I am very emotional right now. But I am talking to an attorney and friends to find out if I am doing right. No one close to me is telling to fight any of this. My brother has been a member on this message board for years and he thinks i should just get away easily. (he has been with me at attorney meetings)

 

I really am confused, and don't mean to have a defeatist attitude. I just didn't want to lose my life and need to move on quickly or I will never get over this.

[imagine]

Delay the divorce. You are not ready to take up the challenge.

 

Find out whether there is an OM. Fix this first. Expose once you have proof.

[mark982]

damn,where's gunny when you need him??? you're a marine,you've been trained for tough times. this is one of them. a marine NEVER backs down from a fight, and this is exactly what it is. step back,slow down and rethink everything. your thinkings way off right now,gottaa find out WHY she's in a hellfire hurry to get divorced. and for gods sake get a lawyer before you do something you'll really regret later.

[MARINE_ONE]

damn,where's gunny when you need him??? you're a marine,you've been trained for tough times. this is one of them. a marine NEVER backs down from a fight, and this is exactly what it is. step back,slow down and rethink everything. your thinkings way off right now,gottaa find out WHY she's in a hellfire hurry to get divorced. and for gods sake get a lawyer before you do something you'll really regret later.

 

I am trying to be a Marine for my kids. I am jumping out of this damn foxhole and charging ahead and giving her the divorce. Someone always has to run point or carry that radio on their back.

 

I know it sounds like I am giving in, but I want this over so I don't make the mistake of taking her back. Taking her back would be huge mistake, because she would just do this again a few months down the road. I am NOT gonna let her yoyo the kids like that or ME!!

[LisaUk]

I am trying to be a Marine for my kids. I am jumping out of this damn foxhole and charging ahead and giving her the divorce. Someone always has to run point or carry that radio on their back.

 

I know it sounds like I am giving in, but I want this over so I don't make the mistake of taking her back. Taking her back would be huge mistake, because she would just do this again a few months down the road. I am NOT gonna let her yoyo the kids like that or ME!!

 

OK, first try to calm down, easier said than done I know, but I can literally feel your stress in your posts. Please listen to those of us here who have been where you are right now (myself 10 months ago). Right now you are acting and making decisions based on emotion, fro your children etc, STOP! BREATHE! Don't do anything yet. If you are worried about the children seek an interim custody hearing and finance hearing, you do not need to rush to divorce to make sure your children are settled. Talk again with your lawyer.

 

Your wife is unwell, her condition may well be the reason for all this. That alone should be grounds to put a hold on the divorce (hopefully, see your lawyer).

 

Your property. Don't give her everything, money payments all of that, STOP! This is most efinately something you will regret later. When my ex left I made it all real easy for him, why? B/c I was terrified to P**s him off, I wanted him back.

 

Just for now, don't do anything other than make arrangements regarding your children on a temporary basis, making rash decisions now that are permanant could be a huge mistake and end up causing more problems than you could ever have forseen at this point.

 

I'm sorry fro what has happened and what you are going through, I know how much it hurts when they leave. Keep posting, the people here really helped to pull me through this.

[mimidarlin]

Bipolar/Depression is difficult. I have a constant risk of depression. I was in deep in 2006 but fortunately got treated. When I thought they might take me off the meds I was told I had to stay on them or risk worse depressive episodes. Man...that saved my life.

 

This last year had three important people passing away..one was my father...and now a separation. If I hadn't been taking my meds I don't think I would be alive.

 

If your wife is bipolar who did the diagnosis? Was it a psychiatrist? If so you should have it added into custody papers that she must continue treatment and evaluation. You don't want to think that your children are at risk but I knew a person not talking her meds with bipolar and she went into la la land. Seriously close to schizophrenic. Knowing about her makes me stick to my meds. Terrifying.

[Gunny376]

The first thing you need to do is to climb your happy @zz down off of that Lover's Cross MARINE!

 

I've got some news you could use? What your doing and the way your going about doing it is going to throw your butt into a serious hurt locker for years and years to come.

 

Your about to take the first step down a trail you seriously don''t want to go down. Its laden with all kinds of mines, ambushes and booby traps your mind cannot even begin to phantom.

 

The reason I know this is because back in the day twenty years ago, I did exactly what your about to do. And in many ways I still haven't recovered.

 

I gave the XHEX everything from a twelve year marriage! I keep a wooden clothes hamper, an artificial fern, the CDs and cassettes, and a magazine wagon that I had made from a wooden Coke Cola crate, gave her the federal and state tax deduction for the DD10 and DS6. And she complained that I kept what little I kept!

 

I also took all the bills from the marriage, (more about that later) to include her car payment. I paid 25% of my net income in child support. She didn't want alimony (she couldn't have gotten in Alabama at the time) primarily because she was leaving me to marry some joker she had known less than six months.

 

Over the course of a twelve year period while I was married and on active duty I grossed somewhere between $400,000 from 1979 through 1990. I spent every dime on my then wife, step daughter, and DD and DS.

 

The XHEX threw me under the bus, the year we were separated. (I was in Saudi and Iraq during the First Gulf War).

 

After being the 'Sand Box" for a year, I flew home to the little city where her and the children were. I was on leave for thirty days. I had to walk outside the terminal to make sure I had landed in the right city?

 

It took me two weeks driving around in a rental car to find them. This despite all of the XHEX's sisters and brother telling me they didn't know where they were. (She only got seven of them)

 

She was living in my Uncles little house, but he hadn't seen them in months, (She was shacked up with Billy Bubba at his trailer.) I hadn't seen her in a year, and the first time I see her she hands me divorce papers, (that her boyfriend had paid for). Oh she was stiffing him for the rent because I "wasn't paying her any CS!" Until I showed him all of the canceled checks.

 

I signed them and gave her all of the above. I did this for my then young children. I figured that with my being a career Marine with four hash marks on my sleeve (means I had sixteen years good service) that I didn't have a snowballs chance in Hell of getting custody of my children.

 

When I reported into Lejeune, I settled into the SNCO barracks, (for those of you not in the know ~ its the equivalent of moving into a motel room for four years.

 

I figured I could live there for four years without any "housing bills" other than a phone and cable bill. Eat in the chow hall. Yada~yada. I just had to suck it up and pay off the bills from the marriage.

 

Funny thing about being single and alone after 12 years of marriage. Sitting in a "motel" room night after night? It starts working on you.

 

Relationships? Easy to get into, can be difficult to maintain, and even harder to get out of? That's right? I screwed up and went got myself into one, and its was a bitch to get out of?

 

While I was across the pound, the XHEX sent me "Married Claiming Four" After I got them all squared with the Combat Zone tax exclusion? I mailed them.

 

I get to CL, and I got a nasty gram from the IRS telling me that I owed several thousands in back and unpaid taxes? I'm like WTF?

 

Un-beknost to me? The XHEX filed "Head of Household claiming Two. Hers got to Atlanta first, she got the refund, I got the shaft. (BTW never go "Gunny" or DI and cuss out an IRS agent ~ its apparently against the law, and you can find yourself {In my best Ron White imitational voice} with "additiOnal fines. penalties, and interests.

 

This force me into bankruptcy.

 

So unless you want to spend the next ten or twenty years living in a 20 year old single wide rental trailer (Think "Urban Cowboy type out back of Gilley's type), eating Ramen, Oddles of Noodles, SPAM & bologna, driving a POS 74 Ford Maverick held together with bailing wire, duck tape and a whole lot of prayer with a seat cushion spring poking in your back?

 

I'd take an old fool of a Gunny's advice and re-think a damn again.

 

Your making short term decisions with some serious long term consequences that your going to be paying out both the nose and @zz for a long long, and I do mean long time!

 

I know this seems long and drawn out?

 

But the truth of the matter is? You've not heard the half of it. You think your hurting now? My Brother of Brothers? You've not seen nothing yet!

 

Stop the divorce proceedings, pull back and re-group!

 

Look up the word "serendipity" because that's the Alice In Wonderland rabbit hole your about to descend into.

 

"Get in, shut up, grab a hold, hang on and get ready to 'white-knuckle' this bitch to the bottom!" "We're going for a ride Lady!" (Ref: Indiana Jones)

 

SemperFi

 

Gunny376

Edited January 14, 2010 by Gunny376

[Gunny376]

Your not going to believe this? But there's going to come a day when your dancing in the streets to Van Morrission's "Coming To Me" (played at end of John Travolta's movie "Michael") that your free of this woman. You can do it your way or you can "half-life" it and do it my way?

 

The choice is yours!

 

But what the Hell! Privates and Lt's never listen to Gunny's! What do we know? We've only been around for twenty or so years?

Edited January 14, 2010 by Gunny376

[MARINE_ONE]

Bipolar/Depression is difficult. I have a constant risk of depression. I was in deep in 2006 but fortunately got treated. When I thought they might take me off the meds I was told I had to stay on them or risk worse depressive episodes. Man...that saved my life.

 

This last year had three important people passing away..one was my father...and now a separation. If I hadn't been taking my meds I don't think I would be alive.

 

If your wife is bipolar who did the diagnosis? Was it a psychiatrist? If so you should have it added into custody papers that she must continue treatment and evaluation. You don't want to think that your children are at risk but I knew a person not talking her meds with bipolar and she went into la la land. Seriously close to schizophrenic. Knowing about her makes me stick to my meds. Terrifying.

 

Wow. That is a tough year. I am so sorry to hear. One of the things I have been thankful for the most is that my mother and brothers are still alive to talk to and help me through this.

 

The doctor that prescribed her the drugs was a quack. Would only let her come in and talk at most for 15 minutes and prescribed anti-psychotics and anti-depressants. I got to talk to her once and the woman said there was hardly any side effects with abilify, but when I question her further cause I had done research she backed off then question me on how much I knew about being bi-polar. When she realized I had read a lot she changed the subject again. Then she said that my wife also needed to talk to a therapist, which was good but my wife wouldn't do it.

 

She is hardly sleeping and having dreams of suicide.

 

Then she started asking my wife what dose of pills she wanted to be on? Did she want more or different kinds. Then told her if she wanted to lower the dose on some to just go ahead without even stair stepping down. I asked her; "Doesn't she need to ween to lower amounts?" and only then did she say well yeah that would be a good idea.

 

My wife wouldn't go to another doctor and I don't know why. My wife has changed before my eyes. Maybe I was blind, but I know she did not feel this way 6 months ago.

[MARINE_ONE]

Your not going to believe this? But there's going to come a day when your dancing in the streets to Van Morrission's "Coming To Me" (played at end of John Travolta's movie "Michael") that your free of this woman. You can do it your way or you can "half-life" it and do it my way?

 

The choice is yours!

 

But what the Hell! Privates and Lt's never listen to Gunny's! What do we know? We've only been around for twenty or so years?

 

I make close to 90,000 a year. Do you think alimony of 1300 for two years is really that bad? (She hasn't worked in years, and never really carried a long-term job) My attorney told me the judge could give her more for longer, that is why I am agreeing to this. I figured two years and all I would have left to do is pay CS for the following 5 years and I will be done. (1200.00 for 4 years and 600.00 for 1 year, which in the state I live in is what the judge would order because they use a formula)

 

The debt we have is around 30,000, but even if she took half the debt she could file bankruptcy after the divorce and leave me with it all anyway. So I am like what the hell, if I can get debt consolidation/relief maybe I can just get the stuff paid off.

 

As for the material items, I am taking some stuff that is important to me. My 55" plasma, stereo system, computer stuff, my clothes, and all my old Marine stuff, also I am getting a couple of pieces of furniture that she doesn't want or can't fit in her new house. I figure all the furniture and stuff was just stuff I can buy again.

 

I don't want her taking my future earnings!! So I am trying not to argue about possessions because I want the alimony to stop as soon as possible, and if she will agree to 2 years I think I am lucky.

 

I know everyone keeps telling me to slow down, but the longer I delay the divorce the longer I will be paying for her to live.

 

Am I making sense or am I crazy? I have two brothers that agree with me, but only one has been through a divorce and he didn't have kids.

 

Please let me know what you think!!

[Gunny376]

Am I making sense or am I crazy? I have two brothers that agree with me, but only one has been through a divorce and he didn't have kids.

 

Please let me know what you think!!

 

You are now. I assumed you earned the "mean" family income for OK, of around $35,000.

 

But we're still back to where you start out isn't where you necessarily where you end up.

 

How "recession" proof is your job?

 

The whole debt consolidation/relief thing you see on TV is for the most part of rip off (More about that later)

 

Read "DebtProof Living" by Helen Hunt. Google the same. Also "Complete Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. Google the same.

 

Essentially with the divorce agreement you've posted? Your paying back a ransom to get your Life back. As posted? I would say your getting a bargin.

[MARINE_ONE]

You are now. I assumed you earned the "mean" family income for OK, of around $35,000.

 

But we're still back to where you start out isn't where you necessarily where you end up.

 

How "recession" proof is your job?

 

The whole debt consolidation/relief thing you see on TV is for the most part of rip off (More about that later)

 

Read "DebtProof Living" by Helen Hunt. Google the same. Also "Complete Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. Google the same.

 

Essentially with the divorce agreement you've posted? Your paying back a ransom to get your Life back. As posted? I would say your getting a bargin.

 

That is what I thought. When I am done with the alimony I can spend that money directly on my kids.(whether for necessities, college, savings or whatever)

 

As for my job being recession proof. I am not sure any job really is, but I feel pretty secure right now. However, that could change any day. As long as I can keep my head straight and get my work done I think I will be okay on that front. I know the company I consult for has enough work for another 2, 3 or more years.

 

Thanks for all the info Gunny!!

[Gunny376]

At the very least make sure you get the tax deduction for at least one of the children if not both.

 

Remember your going from "Married Claiming one" to "Single Claiming One"

 

I literally have to "sky out the door" So I'll post more about debt consildation. You don't need those @zzholes, they're a rip off.

[Gunny376]

In so far as the debt consolidation companies, you have "for profit" and "non-profit. You would want to go with one of the non-profits, (their operations are funded by the people, the banks, the businesses that you owe money.

 

You could do what they're going to do yourself. Come up wit a bare bones survival budget. Maximize income, minimize living expenses, eradicate debt, and then maximize savings.

 

Don't make the mistake of not budgeting a minimum of 10 % for savings. Sooner or later something is going to come up. Its only a question of when.

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can "borrow your way out of debt.

 

You then take your bills one by one, add them up to come up a total and then divide the sum total owed to each creditor to come of with a percentage of debt.

 

This percentage is the amount you allocate to that particular creditor.

 

Some creditors are going to be fixed such as car payments and such. And you may not be able to negotiate with them. Credit Card companies, especially these days are more open to negotiation.

 

Document, document, document. Get a loose leave notebook and record the day, date, time, and name of the person you spoke with.

 

I crunched some numbers based upon what you posted, and I would say you could be out from the burden of it all within two years with maximum effort. Three on the outside.

 

This is factoring in child support, alimony, and the maximum federal tax rate. Its does not factor in such "wild card" variables as to tax deductions for the children, etc.

 

Your FICO will take a bigger hit if you go through a debt consolidation, but if you do go that route, as I said use a non -profit one, as some "for profit" have been know just to pocket the debtors money, fold up shop and move on. (Such as the one that advertise on tv)

 

If you do decided to go it solo? Call weekly, or bi-weekly, or at least once a month. You want to be calling them at least four or five days before you bill is due.

 

Its so rare, that they'll be more willing to work with you on what you owe, how you can pay it back, lowering the interst rates, etc?

 

Gunny

[sumdude]

A couple other ideas.

 

Look at all your credit statements. If you're lucky and have one good credit company you might find an offer like this.

 

5% until you pay it off.

 

Transfer everything to that card and pay the most you can per month to it.

 

Ignore 0% until some month in the future.

 

There's always a 3% fee anyway so you still pay and then have to transfer again when the thing jumps back up to 18%.

[Gunny376]

Book recomentations ~ "Deal With Your Debt" and "Debt Proof Living"