'Arranged' dating/marriage

[paddington bear]

I watched this old British reality tv show called 'Arrange Me a Marriage' where an Asian marriage maker uses the same principles to find singletons a potential husband or wife.

 

"Mrs Rahman (presenter) believes that the divorce rate in Britain would decline if more couples were matched up through class, education, family background, life goals and earnings"

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrange_Me_a_Marriage)

 

I watched two programmes (one success, one failure) and the whole method really struck me.

 

The presenter focused strongly on class and education. Saying that people tend to end up with people from the same background as them. So that even if you come from a poor background and are now filthy rich and a high-flyer, you are likely to bond better with someone who has the same starting background as you or vice versa.

 

What she also did was to get the single person's friends and family to ask around for available singles, the concept that these are the people who would know you best, but also might know you better than yourself.

 

I noticed one girl (the success story) was very resistant to a lot of things, saying 'I don't want someone like this or that' and so had closed herself off, whereas your nearest and dearest would perhaps be more open about what potential matches would be suitable for you and present you with the right person, but someone that you would, if choosing for yourself, write off immediately because they don't tick your list of what you think you need. (I have a cousin like this, he seemed 'unsure' of the girl he was seeing, but the rest of us could see they were so compatible and they ended up married, his brother said to me 'I hate to say that John doesn't know what's good for him, or who's right for him, but...he didn't, he couldn't see it' - again I think because he had a type he went for and this girl didn't fit that normal type.

 

Anyway, back to the programme, then without a photo, with just cold, hard facts such as what the earnings were, did they want kids or not, were they previously married, liked living in the city or not etc. the person had to choose, with no picture there to distract them. Again - it was much easier for the friends and family to get down to the nitty gritty and weed out unsuitables, so they weren't even in the running if their values didn't match up, whereas I think we all often let the 'big things' shared values, shared interests slide if there's an initial big attraction there (which can cause problems down the line).

 

What was also interesting was that the families of each single person had met and conversed with one another prior to the intended couple even meeting, so when the couple did meet and get on there was no worries about the families not bonding etc. Because as mentioned in the programme, when you marry you also marry into someone else's family and so they should be compatible too.

 

It's got me wondering about whether I should ask my friends what type of man they would see me with, to see if that alters substantially from what I think I want, because maybe they see what I need or be more compatible with more clearly than me.

[quankanne]

I don't know if I'd put it as baldly as "what kind of guy do you see me with," but more along the lines of asking them what they think my strong points are and what men would find attractive about me. Not physical qualities, but something deeper.

 

I'm a bit torn on the arranged marriage issue – on the one hand, because people are brought together because of common interests and backgrounds, there's a higher chance of successfully having a relationship. On the other hand, it doesn't completely take in love as a factor, and there are a lot of us who feel that if you're going to be yoked to someone the rest of your life, there needs to be a genuine love of and a like for that person!

 

hmmm ... though it's not the same as a marriage broker, I'm wondering if sites like eHarmony are more successful because they match up people based on more than just looks or superficial likes? A friend of mine told me she started filling out a questionnaire there, but then stopped because they were getting TOO deep, and she wasn't sure she was ready to be that open!

[DiscoChick]

People in my family are nutcase, myself included. I can find a man that is not normal enough all on my own. I would hate to be stuck with someone they like. We are two different types of crazy, and I would never want to date a man remotely similar to the crazy they are. I'd prefer being single for eternity.

[paddington bear]

me too with the 'never' regarding arranged marriages. I guess my point was that sometimes we are too blinkered and overlook things that are important to us, too blinded by attraction that we ignore red flags or ignore important values, whereas those closest too us might have a more open-minded and/or correct view as to what a good match would be.

[alphamale]

being indian i know lots of arrainged marriages that are successful even though many of them are held together artificially

[SadandConfusedWA]

Hmmm. I am gonig to ask my parents a couple of friends what type of man would be a good match for me. Not in looks but personality traits. Should be interesting!

[paddington bear]

being indian i know lots of arrainged marriages that are successful even though many of them are held together artificially

 

That's the thing, there are a lot of arranged marriages that are successful...but then there are those horrible stories you hear of, young girls being forced to marry some horrible man, tragic stories about people being torn apart from the one they love and having to marry someone else. But it was interesting to see this 'modern Asian arranged marriages' as they called it and how it was quite cut and dried in terms of finding out compatibility first, rather than meeting someone, falling into bed with them, seeing how it goes and then finding out you're incompatible down the line.

 

The thing is, the only thing I know the people around me would choose for me: my mother says 'I just want to see you settled and happy' (and years ago, after watching a tv interview with George Clooney where he was being his usual intelligent, charming self, she came running into the room, eyes a-glittering shouting 'oh my God! He'd be perfect for you!' ha haaa - a womanising, commitment-phobic actor...ok then)

 

Then a good female friend suggested this guy...who well, let's just say I wondered afterwards if this good friend knew me at all, he was arrogant and not attractive at all and was still in a relationship with someone else...then again, the same friend (upon meeting a good male friend of mine) said 'you need to meet someone like him, lively and friendly and polite and chatty', which I do agree with. S

[threebyfate]

It's a great idea, as long as the participants have freedom of choice, to accept or decline.

 

I strongly believe in compatibility of values and goals in life, before falling into bed with someone, regardless of the strength of physical attraction.

[tami-chan]

I think arranged marriages last longer because there is less deception and games....the parties know exactly why they are merging....and what it entails/requires for the partnership to be successful. Like, Alphamale, being Japanese, I know a lot of "successful" arranged marriages.

 

I think westerners have this idea of arranged marriage as this very, very young girl, who comes from a poor family being married off to an old(er), rich (and ugly) man....it's not that at all, most arranged marriages are between people of the similar economic, educational, cultural backgrounds, among others.

[alphamale]

I think westerners have this idea of arranged marriage as this very, very young girl, who comes from a poor family being married off to an old(er), rich (and ugly) man....it's not that at all, most arranged marriages are between people of the similar economic, educational, cultural backgrounds, among others.

indeed tami-chan