Re: Need new perspective, maybe!?!

[Angel]

I have posted a message here before asking for advice as to what I should do as I found out that one of my best friend's who I'd known for a number of years liked me. And I kind of have more than 'just friends' feeling for him too! but I have a boyfriend. Against all the advice I received, even though I did find it all very relevant and helpful, I stayed with my boyfriend for a number of reasons. All of which I don't really have the time to explain. But this really has nothing to do with anything. Today I am writing in to ask yet another question. Here is the situation:

 

I began seeing my now boyfriend about a year and a bit ago now. When we first began seeing each other I was adamant not to have a boyfriend. I was 18 at the time and just thought I was too young to become involved in a relationship and I was having lots of fun just going out, whereas he was 21 and had previously had a couple of serious relationships. Naturally we talked about this and he was very open about his feelings towards me which were very strong pretty much right from the start. I explained to him how I felt and as much as he liked me he said he understood and was happy to have things stay as they were. Things were like so, we called each other often, saw each other quite a bit and he would often meet me out at Pubs and Clubs, during which time we would kiss. Anyway I suppose we had been seeing each other for about a month when I was out one night I kissed someone else. I didn't tell him at the time and about a month after that we had a big discussion and decided to try having a relationship together. Well it was then a few months after we had been going out that it came out that I had kissed someone else at that time. He didn't seem too upset at the time but then later on in our relationship when we started having some problems (and still now) he continually beings it up, saying that I cheated on him. Now I don't know if I am wrong or not on this one. In my opinion, I was seeing him, but was not committed to him, therefore it wasn't really cheating. I am not saying I was right to do it and not tell him at the time (I don't know about that) but I don't think I cheated.

 

From the moment we had our big conversation and decided to try a relationship I was totally committed and would never, ever kiss someone else or anything like that. I was just wondering what other people had to say about this as I don't know if I am wrong, as it seems to really be causing big problems. He says that because of this incident he can't trust me. And this causes some big problems because I have numerous male friends, pretty much all of which he insists are interested in me in more than a 'just friends' way. I find this very difficult to believe as I am a firm believer in the existence of platonic friendships. And besides I have known most of these 'potential threats' (I'm guessing he thinks they are) for a while now and they would have surely told me how they feel by this time, if they felt anything, right? This is really a big problem because he feels he cannot trust me to see these males whilst he is not present, but they are my friends and it is not always possible for him to be there. Besides I find it insulting and embarrassing that I can't be trusted to see my friends by myself. I hope I don't sound vain and/or conceited in any way, but as much as I don't consider myself to be, others consider me to be quite attractive, and this just makes things worse. My boyfriend hates it when we go out because quite often guys try to pick me up and I am not the type to just snob people off so even though I tell these guys that I do have a boyfriend, I will often continue to talk to them. I only do this on the proviso that they are nice enough, not behaving offensively or anything and we are just chatting. I thought I was just being polite, but my boyfriend reckons that I am leading them on and flirting with them, and that they will think that I am interested in them. He says that I am very flirtacious, but I don't mean to be, as I know it hurts him. I just don't quite understand when he says that I am flirting if I keep eye contact with someone when talking to them. The way I was brought up that is not flirting, just manners! He also says that because I laugh and smile a lot that is also flirting. I am just a naturally happy person (well not so much of late) and laugh and smile a lot no matter who I am talking to. I am really trying to be understanding and fix problems as I care about him a lot. I just wanted some other opinions on these matters so anything whatsoever that you can offer me would be greatly appreciated. I am keen to get rid of these problems as they are causing a lot of conflict and it really brings out the worst in him. He is a really sweet guy but in the midst of a fight (which are usually pretty one-sided as I am not a fighter, and just very docile) he can become very cruel. He has said some awful (almost beyond belief!) things to me and sometimes I wonder whether I am wasting my time trying to fix things and should move on, which was what the responses to my last message suggested. I just remember when I first met him, you couldn't find a sweeter guy, he was great. Do you think I am wasting my time? Do you think I am a real bitch and he should be the one to get rid of me because it was cheating, what I did? Do you think he could go back to the way he was, or was it just an act? (I don't believe it was but&.) Please if you have anything to say, anything at all, please respond. I'm still pretty young, 19 actually and I'm just not sure what to do! Thanks for listening!

Ok girl, here's my opinion. First of all, I'm not sure if what you did way back when was cheating. If you two were just seeing each other then the kissing the other guy thing wasn't cheating. But if he thought that you two were exclusive, then maybe you mislead him a little and it was cheating. It's not cheating when both parties understand and accept the rules. If both parties are not clear as to what the rules are, then it may be cheating.

 

Now, as for the "he used to be the sweetest guy you could find," no offense to anyone, but we are all very sweet when we first enter a relationship. Once we get what we want, we don't have to be so sweet anymore. That's just the way it is. It's very rare for two people to remain the same exact people that they were in the beginning. And I don't just mean men, women are no different.

 

About the whole arguing thing: first of all, when you kissed this other guy, you should've told your boyfriend right away. Like I said, it's cheating if both parties are not clear as to what the situation and the rules are. and if you really thought it was acceptable, you probably would've told him right after it happened and not a month or so later. As for him saying he was ok with the matter, if he said he was ok with it, then it shouldn't be an issue now. You need to tell him that. If he had a problem with it, he shoul've told you when the issue first came to pass.

 

He can't say that he's ok with it and then months or years later have a problem. Tell him that he was Ok with it then, and he has to be ok with it now.

 

And my personal policy on arguing...........well, it's ok to argue and quite normal at that. If someone tells you they never argue, they're lying! We all do it, we all need to do it. It's a good way to clear the air, get things off of your chest and release some of that negative energy. But, you can argue without getting out of control. When the name calling and mud slinging start, it's out of control. Arguing is ok, but going for the throat when you argue is not. When the argument is all over and the issue is resolved, you're still going to remember how badly your feelings were hurt. And you're still going to remember how horribly he spoke to you and how disrespectful he was.

 

This is just my opinion, and I'm no expert, but I think that you should get rid of this guy. Reason is, it's not only the arguing, or the disrespect. He's trying to make you someone that you're not. He sounds like he's trying to control you. Not allowing or accepting that you have other friends and all of those things. If you were that way before you met him and he accepted it then, then he needs to understand that that's who you are. And if he is trying to change you, then he doesn't love you for who you are, he loves you for what he's trying to make you. Love is supposed to be unconditional. And if you really love someone, you accept them for who and what they are. You don't try to change them or their lifestyle. Unless of course they are putting themselves in danger, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

 

As for the best friend, follow your heart. But make sure if you are considering persuing a "more than just friends relationship," you are willing to allow the whole relationship to change.

 

I guess I've said enough for now. Good luck to you. Hope it helped.

[magicklady]

This guy sounds like a control freak... You are to young to be going through all of this.. when a relationship is this young and having this many problems it is really time to Get out! You can try all you want to but you will never make him happy or Earn Back HIS TRUST.... and you will be miserable with him trying to run your life.. I remember my ex telling me I wasn't going to call my friends anymore because he didn't know them.. and that was when I decided that He wasn't the one.. life is to short to be unhappy for even a moment.. I know that you are committed to this relationship and If you don't leave that is your choice.. but you might want to take a step back and make sure you really love this guy or if you have just gotten comfortable with him.. If you stay with someone who is trying to control you at such a young age you will lose your identity and then it will take years to get it back again.. Good luck and let me know what happens with this....