Feel like I've given her an ultimatum...

[mark1210]

Hello,

 

I need some advice, I met my fiance about 6 months ago and about a month before meeting me she took a promotion that required her to travel about 2 to 3 weeks every month. Since then, things have progressed, she is pregnant and we are slated to become married in March. Before becoming engaged to her and after knowing she was pregnant, I raised a concern about her quantity of travel. She told me she discussed it with her boss and that she expressed that she only wanted to travel no more than 1 week per month. Her boss told her that was fine. After such, we became engaged and moved forward with wedding preparations. Fast forward to yesterday...her boss tells her a special meeting has been set up to disuss post pregnancy leave and requirements of her job. The 1 week per month is no longer going to work.

 

I told my fiance that I appreciate her telling me this but I cannot sign up for a lifetime of seldom seeing my wife, raising a child alone and taking care of her two dogs. It's asking a lot of me. She became upset with me, I told her she may want to explore taking her old job back that required no travel or perhaps trying to find a new job during the time she is on leave. I told her that our lives have changed, you were single, unmarried and not pregnant when you took that position and that I was ok with you travelling 2 or 3 weeks out of the month but now with marriage, a pending pregnancy I'm no longer ok with it and couldn't proceed marrying someone that I seldom saw. I don't think it would make for a happy or secure marriage not to mention the impacts on the child and that I only want to be married once.

 

She told me she understood my concerns and said she had to go. I'm concerned that I upset her..but the flipside would have been keeping it bottled up and marrying someone only to later tell her my concerns. Her parents have paid for a lot of things and invitations have gone out. I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed. We are meeting with the pastor on Monday after work...the same day she the meeting was scheduled with her boss coincidentally.

 

Should I have kept my concerns to myself? Am I being unreasonable?

Edited January 13, 2010 by mark1210

[2sure]

No, you are not being unreasonable. She is being unrealistic. Children change your life. Thats what they do. So does marriage, but children are what changes everything. For her to expect to continue her life exactly as is , even though she is a mother, is insane. For her to expect only YOUR life to change with this child is a breathtaking example of selfishness and immaturity.

 

So no, it was right to bring it up. To continue with the marriage simply because money has been spent and invitations sent ...really those things are ultimately meaningless. BUT, the child is still coming, you are still the father and she is still the mother. Married or not, those things wont change.

 

Loving her and taking care of your family does not necessarily include enabling her. Know what I mean?

[mark1210]

Thanks 2Sure...but I can't explain the feeling that has come over me...makes me want to cry to be quite honest. I feel like i've let her down, the one person she is supposed to be able to count on.

 

I'm concerned she is so upset that I will be getting a call from her parents. I suppose I should just express the same feelings towards them. How will they react?

 

I really should have kept my mouth shut...dunno what I was thinking...maybe 2 or 3 weeks of her being gone wouldn't have been that bad....I love my fiance to death but it almost seems like her career is more important than her soon to be family or me. I feel selfish and controlling by expressing my concerns.

[stillafool]

Your fiance has no clue how her life is going to change after marriage and having a baby. I agree that she isn't being realistic. She may not want to give up her career and take on the job as a full time mother and wife.

[Kizzyfur]

What's so wrong with the wife having the career and the husband being the stay at home "mom"??

 

How many couples are there in which the husband is gone and you don't hear the wife complaining that he's not home enough? Is he not being a father to his children and a husband to his wife just because he travels a lot for work? My neighbor sees her husband 10 days out of the month. Yeah she complains she doesn't get to see him much, but she's not going to make him quit his job over it. And yes, they do have a 6 month old child who needs caring for. I also had a friend who's husband worked on the communication towers. He was home maybe once a week for a day or two. They had four kids. She never complained that he was gone.

 

So what is so wrong if roles are reversed and it's the woman with the career? Especially since she had this job BEFORE you came into the picture. I don't think she is in any way being selfish.

[O'Malley]

 

I told my fiance that I appreciate her telling me this but I cannot sign up for a lifetime of seldom seeing my wife, raising a child alone and taking care of her two dogs. It's asking a lot of me.

 

You shouldn't have kept quiet about your feelings and she is being unrealistic about how your child will change both your lives. Keep in mind that her boss sprang this new schedule upon her and it's not always a matter of simply asking for an old job back, especially when your expenses are going to increase in the next few months.

 

What were your previous plans as far as childcare and work? Are you fine (and fiscally able) with cutting down on your work and providing more of the childcare, while she works in another position that doesn't require as much travel? You both need to sit down, discuss this throroughly and come to some hard compromises before even thinking about going through with the marriage.

[mark1210]

Kizzyfur:

 

There is nothing wrong with it for some people, for me I make more financially and this concern has been present for awhile. It was discussed and supposedly resolved (with a compromise of 1 week per month that her boss agreed to at that time)...if it would have been more I would have delayed proposing to her until such time as her schedule is ready. I understand and realize she had the position before she met me. Why am I expected to change my life while she makes no changes? She has a mom and dad, I have a mom and dad but if this progresses the child will only have a dad and a part-time mom. Being gone for an extended period of time every month isn't a healthy marriage or good for the child. Those are just my personal feelings...to each their own I suppose.

 

O'Mailley,

 

Thanks - I suppose it's a good thing I aired them out now. The loss of her money (taking the demotion) wouldn't be too significant..it's something I can cover. My suggestion to her was not to lose her job over this...tell the boss you will work the 2 or 3 weeks but that you will also be looking for something internally as it will not work in the long term. She hates confrontation and doesnt' seem to want to do that.

 

All:

 

I discussed the topic in detail with her last night and the conversation went downhill fast and with her being upset and having to let me get off the phone. This morning I contacted her mom and voiced my concerns to her. Her mom told me she agrees with my concerns 200% and that her daughter just simply doesn't seem to understand that her life will change significantly and that she needs to maintain her work boundary with her boss and take demotion back to what she was doing or look elsewhere. Her mom feels that being a mother should come first and that traveling that much will lead to resentment and an unhappy marriage and finally becoming another statistic. And yes, I told her mom if things remain 2 or 3 weeks worth of traveling that I could not move forward (go through with the wedding). She understood and felt that was appropriate and she will be talking to her daughter today. I get the feeling her mom is going to tell her daughter that she needs to realize things are going to change and that I may have one foot out the door so to speak. Just a guess on my part...no idea what a mom would tell their daughter in this situation...do you?

Edited January 14, 2010 by mark1210

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’d hate to think of all the compromises to her traveling and career she’d have to make if she were forced to raise your child as a single parent. If the only person she could turn to for help was her own mother, it’s doubtful even she would be eager to take on raising another child full-time considering it would be 24/7, three weeks out of every month. This isn’t your typical 9 to 5 daycare or babysitter situation.

 

Since she isn’t the soul provider financially, then there’s no reason why you should be left with the lion’s share of the burden on top of working 9 to 5 on your own. Not to mention finding yourself alone in a marriage with someone you hardly get to see. Some married couples can do it. Some married couples do it because financial retrains have left them no choice, while others even prefer this sort of arrangement because they don’t get along very well. But like you, I personally couldn’t see the logic behind getting married to someone who was seldom around unless I was dependant on them financially. Or what’s worse, becoming a parent to a child who I was willing absent from for a majority of it’s formidable years because my own career aspirations took precedence. Then expecting not to eventually become a stranger within my own home and family on those rare and brief occasions when I was home long enough to play house.

 

She has a very important choice to make, as do you. And I’m glad to see that at least one responsible adult in this relationship is doing the thinking for all three of you.

 

Good luck, and I hope she eventually comes to her senses!

[mem11363]

Mark,

What is your job like?

Who is the primary breadwinner?

 

If you both have high salaries get a nanny.

 

And as for taking a strong stand - ok - except with her being pregnant and in a disadvantaged state it feels like you are pulling the muscle card from the deck. FYI - I am the primary breadwinner in our family and like you male.

 

Why are you not taking a different approach which is: OK - I will support you - lets try this out for a while - 6 to 12 months and see how it goes. I realize the job market is very difficult at the moment and that interviewing while pregnant is not an easy thing.

 

It is ok to say - "I am concerned about this but willing to try it. Just promise me that if it turns out to be bad for "US" that we can re-evaluate in the future."

 

Part of the reason I love my wife so much is she walked softly where my job was concerned.

 

 

Thanks 2Sure...but I can't explain the feeling that has come over me...makes me want to cry to be quite honest. I feel like i've let her down, the one person she is supposed to be able to count on.

 

I'm concerned she is so upset that I will be getting a call from her parents. I suppose I should just express the same feelings towards them. How will they react?

 

I really should have kept my mouth shut...dunno what I was thinking...maybe 2 or 3 weeks of her being gone wouldn't have been that bad....I love my fiance to death but it almost seems like her career is more important than her soon to be family or me. I feel selfish and controlling by expressing my concerns.

Edited January 14, 2010 by mem11363

[mark1210]

mem:

 

We don't make enough to have a nanny at all times - I'm afraid to sign up for a marriage knowing that this situation is there and that it may not change soon or ever. I don't want to end up in divorce with alimony, splitting of good, etc when I know thats where we will be headed with that kind of work schedule.

 

I simply know it doesn't work for me personally, perhaps it doesn't bother her being gone so much but it does for me. Its bad enough that she is gone already for 2 or 3 weeks...can't imagine how much harder it will be with a child and the commitment of marriage.

 

It worries me more that it doesn't concern her...its almost like in her mind she knows i will just suck it up and take on the addtional burden. I don't want a part-time wife and mother to the child and thats exactly what it would be.

[mem11363]

Mark,

I get it.

 

Initially I was sympathetic to her plight because I traveled full time when I was first married but that was different. My wife strongly wanted to be a SAHM, and she was willing to accept that to live on one salary she needed to let me travel. With me traveling she did not need to work outside the home at all. But if she had had a full time job it would not have really been workable. We also could not have quite afforded a live in nanny and she would have burned out from stress doing the full workday plus being a mom afterwards. I think your 1 week/month is a good compromise. I also think you are setting a good precedent here which is that you will compromise up to a point. And beyond that point you will walk.

 

Do you know why she is "digging in" so strongly on this issue?

 

 

mem:

 

We don't make enough to have a nanny at all times - I'm afraid to sign up for a marriage knowing that this situation is there and that it may not change soon or ever. I don't want to end up in divorce with alimony, splitting of good, etc when I know thats where we will be headed with that kind of work schedule.

 

I simply know it doesn't work for me personally, perhaps it doesn't bother her being gone so much but it does for me. Its bad enough that she is gone already for 2 or 3 weeks...can't imagine how much harder it will be with a child and the commitment of marriage.

 

It worries me more that it doesn't concern her...its almost like in her mind she knows i will just suck it up and take on the addtional burden. I don't want a part-time wife and mother to the child and thats exactly what it would be.

[stillafool]

What's so wrong with the wife having the career and the husband being the stay at home "mom"??

 

How many couples are there in which the husband is gone and you don't hear the wife complaining that he's not home enough? Is he not being a father to his children and a husband to his wife just because he travels a lot for work? My neighbor sees her husband 10 days out of the month. Yeah she complains she doesn't get to see him much, but she's not going to make him quit his job over it. And yes, they do have a 6 month old child who needs caring for. I also had a friend who's husband worked on the communication towers. He was home maybe once a week for a day or two. They had four kids. She never complained that he was gone.

 

So what is so wrong if roles are reversed and it's the woman with the career? Especially since she had this job BEFORE you came into the picture. I don't think she is in any way being selfish.

 

 

You do have a point here. Mark your fiance probably loves working and having a career. I bet you being a SAHM isn't going to quite cut it for her. She may miss being in the working world too much. If so, with two salaries (and her not having to travel so much) would you object to a nanny so she can still have her career?

[ella23]

I can't imagine any normal mom wanting to be separated from their newborn infant for any length of time anyway. The biological pull is just too strong.

Not necessarily. I know several women who are good moms, and they went back to work after the maternity leave was over.

Having said that, if a job requires too much travel, then obviously it becomes tough to take care of a baby at the same time. The OP's fiancee should take up a less demanding job perhaps, especially if you cannot afford a nanny.

[Crazy Magnet]

This is obviously a tough decision. I realize I do not know the entire situation, but it appears as though your version of compromise on this issue is "It's my way, or no way at all." That's not very fair to your future wife. From what I can see, it was not her choice to travel 2 to 3 weeks out of the month for her job, so why are you punishing her for it?

 

I know you envision married life a certain way, but marriage is about compromising. It's not all about you. (That said, it's not all about her either.) While you may not be walking into the fairytale you want, you have a responsibility that you must live up to, you are going to be more than a husband. You will be a father as well.

 

It takes two people to create a baby and provide the best possible life for that child. I know you want your fiance to do what you think is right for the baby, but maybe you should also be looking at ways that YOU need to change to make things right for this baby. Since you are getting married with a child on the way, your priorities will never be each other, but always the child.

 

Yes, I think your expectations are reasonable, but you seem rather selfish in your demands. She also seems selfish in her resistance to give her up job, but I would too if my fiance tried to force me to give up my career. Surely you have noticed the job market stinks right now. Are you prepared to shoulder the ENTIRE financial burden if she asks for her old job back and gets fired/laid off?

[tigereyes1428]

your not being unreasonable at all your spot on... I am not sure why she is not understanding this - but tell her from someone who knows - every day she misses with her baby will one day kill her.

i have three kids, one 12 one 6 and a 9 month old baby, first and second time i went back to work full time after 4 weeks ( yes i left my 4 week old kids in nursery) first time i was young and thought the money would make life better - 2 nd time my partner left me in lots of debt - this time i am not going back for 18 months and it bliss - and i am not as well off but i have broke my heart several times now i realise i have a child who is almost a teenager and i missed everyone of his 1st things walking crawling, teeth, its soul destroying and i treasure every day of my Maternity leave this time - they grow up far too fast - please make sure she thinks this through as she will never get those moments back and it will haunt her one day.