hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 So I'm feeling a little angry tonight, maybe because my heart is still broken and I need to vent or maybe because xMM is still talking bull****!! It's been obvious to me over the last month that xMM has protected himself and his family. He has promised his W he will do all he can to work on their M and he is I'm sure but he forgot to tell her he is still in contact with me(still lying). I have no problem believing he is filling her with the words (he's very good at words) she needs to hear but he is also saying to me he needs to know I'm ok.....bless.....such a nice guy, isn't he?? He has asked me if him contacting me is stopping me getting over him, if it is then he will stop but TBH every word that comes out of his mouth is helping me get over him.....I do love him and I always will but every day that passes I loose a little bit more respect for him....the crap that comes out of his mouth is unreal sometimes. I know he will be exactly where he is right now in 10, 20, 30 yrs time, he'll still be making excuses and he'll still be 'making do' with his life. Sorry if this sounds confusing but isn't that what LS is all about....It was in my head and I needed to vent...... Be kind Link to post Share on other sites
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 My WS is doing the same with her xOM. Although, in my case, she tells me when she contacts him. Kind of sick ain't it? What I'd like to know, is when they tell you (the x) it is over, that they are working hard on their marriage, attending counseling, etc., why the f*** don't you have some self respect and tell them to get lost, that you don't need their comfort? It sure would help alot of us get to the point of true NC, not that any ex's really care about us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 My WS is doing the same with her xOM. Although, in my case, she tells me when she contacts him. Kind of sick ain't it? What I'd like to know, is when they tell you (the x) it is over, that they are working hard on their marriage, attending counseling, etc., why the f*** don't you have some self respect and tell them to get lost, that you don't need their comfort? It sure would help alot of us get to the point of true NC, not that any ex's really care about us. I don't want to sound harsh but I can't be responsible for my xMM. He will do what he wants to do because he is selfish, he thinks about himself. He tells himself he is doing what is right by me and his W but its all about him and it always will be. I know he says he loves me and thats why its so hard for him, he loves his W but he still lies...... He contacts me, I've not contacted him since DDay except to ask for an explanation. I'm sorry you are hurting and I understand you want to lash out but no situation is the same. Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) My WS is doing the same with her xOM. Although, in my case, she tells me when she contacts him. Kind of sick ain't it? What I'd like to know, is when they tell you (the x) it is over, that they are working hard on their marriage, attending counseling, etc., why the f*** don't you have some self respect and tell them to get lost, that you don't need their comfort? It sure would help alot of us get to the point of true NC, not that any ex's really care about us. Err well... with a response like that I'd be surprised if H4U comes back. [edited later: oh she already did] We all know affairs suck. A d-day is utterly devastating for all parties but worst (IMO) for the BS. Many OW/M don't have much compassion for the BS - you can see a number of threads going on this topic right now. For that matter most BSs don't have compassion for a OW/M who has been thrown under the bus. To answer your question it's not about self respect at d-day - that often temporarily disappears on d-day as all parties scramble to make sense of the situation. It's hard to let go of someone you love(d) whether you be WS, BS or OW/M. That is why the affair and/or contact often continues even after d-day and often why the BS doesn't end the marriage either. Edited January 13, 2010 by moaningmyrtle Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 Err well... with a response like that I'd be surprised if H4U comes back. [edited later: oh she already did] We all know affairs suck. A d-day is utterly devastating for all parties but worst (IMO) for the BS. Many OW/M don't have much compassion for the BS - you can see a number of threads going on this topic right now. For that matter most BSs don't have compassion for a OW/M who has been thrown under the bus. To answer your question it's not about self respect at d-day - that often temporarily disappears on d-day as all parties scramble to make sense of the situation. It's hard to let go of someone you love(d) whether you be WS, BS or OW/M. That is why the affair and/or contact often continues even after d-day and often why the BS doesn't end the marriage either. Its a really hard place to be. I know deep down what comes out of his mouth is to make him feel better, I also know he is telling his W that he has not been in contact with me so I can't help thinking that he is already lying to her....WTF does that make him?? He has said that he only rings me because he feels its the right thing to do and he wants to know I'm ok. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but I do know its working for us right now. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I think in some cases, prior to dday and even sometimes after a dday, the MM has successfully cast himself to the OW as this great guy who is just so confused and caught in a difficult situation. The MM complains to the OW about the W and M and the OW is supportive. The MM talks about how committed to his children and this sounds like the hallmark of a great guy. I have seen OW post here actually angry at how unfair/unloving the wife is because based on the OW's view of this man, she believes he deserves better. I think that for some MM they way they see themselves, as seen through the OW's eyes is a powerful thing. After dday, even if they have thrown the OW under the bus they don't want to mess that up. They still want to believe that to you (OW) they are this fantastic guy. My H's FOW told me there were things he said about me that she knew were unfair, but she didn't tell HIM that. She let her silence signal agreement. In his mind, she always took his side. MM doesn't want to give that up. So he breaks NC (in part) because in his mind he thinks that you still think he is great, even though he threw you under the bus. AND Yes. the WS always takes care of themselves after dday. That might mean immediate NC and a quick toss under the bus with AP to save his/her butt and the M. OR that might mean gaslighting the BS into oblivion and continuing the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 H4U, I don't intend this to be mean, I really don't. When you're in pain like this, it doesn't matter which point of the triangle you are, it hurts. I know this. That said, the truth about your MM is more likely this, he's not making sure you're ok, he's making sure you're still there, waiting on him, just in case.... in case he can't make his M work, in case his W kicks him out, in case he changes his mind, in case his wife trusts him too easily and he can go right back to the way things were.... just in case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wheelwright Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I can only say this is a horrible situation. Say very nicely he needs to work through this and then find out where he is and go NC. You are both in a mess. I would not respect a man who remains in contact after DDay unless they are leaving the M. It is the utmost in deceit and hypocrisy, not making him a bad person, but making him v v lost. At DDay, it's one or the other. People may not like their choice, but they have to live with it and work on the resolutions possible. Remaining in the A is not one of them, if the BS is in any way hurt. It's about what is humane. Whether the BS was hurt or not was to some degree an unknown before. In your situation, isn't it something you can take as read? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Oh and, you addressed this thread to WS, but unfortunately, they are extremely rare here. This forum is mostly populated by BS, just like the other is almost entirely OP. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 He has asked me if him contacting me is stopping me getting over him, if it is then he will stop but TBH every word that comes out of his mouth is helping me get over him.....I do love him and I always will but every day that passes I loose a little bit more respect for him....the crap that comes out of his mouth is unreal sometimes. I know he will be exactly where he is right now in 10, 20, 30 yrs time, he'll still be making excuses and he'll still be 'making do' with his life. Sorry if this sounds confusing but isn't that what LS is all about....It was in my head and I needed to vent...... Be kind You have the last bit wrong I'm afraid. HE'S doing exactly what he wants to do, its everyone else who's "making do". Whether the same players are in HIS life in 10 or more years is up to them. No doubt he'll still be living his life for himself though. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts