What now?

[gabrielle]

Hi, I'm new to this, I hope this is the right section to post this in.

 

I'll try to keep this concise. I don't know where to start.

 

I met my ex when I was 15, and we dated for eight years throughout high school and afterwards. He left me five years ago, and I made the mistake of not going NC right away. This is what happens when you do not do NC.

 

I hung around and continued to sleep with him hoping he would take me back. We did everything as a couple, yet he would not give me the commitment I wanted. This went on for three years. In hindsight, I can now say that he was only using me when it was convinient for him, but anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about. I tried to date other people because I thought it would help me move on, but I ended up cheating on them with my ex when we were trying to be "friends". Every time I tried to date other people, the ex came back to me promising he would give me what I wanted from him. It made it difficult for me to let him go completely so that happened and it was a mess every time it happened.

 

The two guys I dated never found out (at least I don't think they did because they never said anything) and they were the ones who ended it. Strangely enough, I didn't get as upset and I went back to doing what I was doing with the ex. I can safely say now, I didn't like/love the guys I were with enough, and it was for the best we didn't continue to date, looking back on it now. Still, I was miserable and I just wanted out. I was at the point where I was starting to talk to my mom and my friends about leaving him for good. Everyone knew my history with the ex, and were telling me to leave him for my own sake, that it had gone on for long enough. Even his own mother was telling me to do that. I was finally starting to share the same sentiments and were working my courage up to just leave.

 

This was almost 2 years ago. I had started talking to a man online through POF and we started exchanging emails for several months since he lived in another city. It was strictly friends- he knew I was in a relationship, although I never told him the ugly history with my ex. He finally moved to my city and we continued to email one another, starting to text each other a bit on the phone. I found myself looking forward to his emails all the time. We were friends online for a few months until we finally met. I never told my ex what I was doing over the months how I had been talking to someone else online etc, because as far as I was concerned, we weren't together and I wasn't obligated to tell him, even as we were still sleeping together.

 

I ended up sleeping with the new friend and a week later, I told my ex I was done, but we had "break up" sex together. I didn't know what the hell I was doing- I was so happy I finally ended everything with the ex, but I was sad because I lost so much. I started seeing the friend with low expectations and I didn't expect to fall in love with the friend and we ended up dating. It was wonderful- I never saw this coming my way. This is where the story begins that brings me here.

 

My ex now (the friend) we'll call him J. He asked me shortly after we hooked up if I had slept with anyone else and I said no. I think I said no because I didn't want him to know that I had break up sex with the ex after I hooked up with J and started seeing him afterwards. We became exclusive a couple months later. In the mean time, the ex was calling me, emailing me- coming to my house to talk to me to try to convince me to get back together. I never told my ex I was seeing someone already, out of fear that he would try harder like the last times I tried to date other people and I really didn't want to go through that again. I finally told the ex I was dating someone new when I became exclusive with J. I had stopped telling the ex I loved him, I withdrew my affections, and deliberately distanced myself from him. But at the same time, I wanted to see if we could just be friends, actually, just be friends.

 

So I saw him for coffee once in a while, we went for lunch sometimes (although it wasn't often that we saw each other). I never told J that I was still in contact with the ex, because I didn't want to ruin what we had going on. Thinking back on it, I should have. I ended up cheating on J with the ex and I felt horrible about it afterwards. I told the ex I didn't want to be friends anymore and stopped contacting him afterwards. He continued to contact me after I asked him to leave me alone. He even went as far as to threaten me to tell J that we had been hanging out and that I cheated on J with him but said he wouldn't, because he knew that if he did that, I would never come back to him (not that I would have in the first place anyway.).

 

I wanted to let him go and move on with J, but it was so hard for me to do that completely since we shared so many mutual friends and there were so much history- nearly ten years. I told J I loved him and I was so, so happy with him- we did so much together and we were starting to talk about getting married, having kids. I'm in school now and we were even talking about moving back to his home city together after I graduated or if I could transfer to another university. I had everything I could have ever asked for in a man with J- he was my best friend, my lover and my everything.

 

He found out last summer one night after I had gone to a friend's wedding. I can't even remember how it started. At first, I only told him about the break up sex with the ex, and left out how we were seeing each other for coffee occasionally and how I had cheated on him once. I was so, so afraid- in fact, I was terrified, because I had moved on already and just wanted to leave the past where it belonged and forget about everything. He told me that he only wanted the truth from me, so we could work together on it and move on together. He even went as far to offer me immunity and gave me his word that he would not leave me. I still could not tell him everything all at once, and it took about four months of terrible fights for the entire truth to get out. Oh, we had good times together, but the fights we had put us both through hell, simply because I could not tell him the simple truth. I have not had any contact with the ex at all since September and I don't intend to get back in touch with him ever again.

 

I had lied about things and it made it difficult for him to believe me when I was actually telling him the truth- it led him to believe that I had slept with my ex more than the 2 times that I did it. I told him everything about my past, how I had cheated on everyone I ever dated with my ex. I told him every single bad thing I ever did. And now? I don't know what to do now that we've broken up. We broke up 2 months ago back at the end of November- I haven't been able to take the ring I bought for J back to the store yet. I was going to ask him to marry me over the christmas break.

 

We're still in contact- both our facebook statuses are still posted as being in relationships. He saw someone for a short time after we broke up but it didn't work out. He told me he doesn't talk to any of his exes the way he does with me, because he thinks I'm special. Oh, god, this is just a long... messy story. The last few times I saw him after the break up, he would come hug me, and kiss me, he told me he missed me. He wrote me an email saying that he needed time to himself to work his issues out, to get himself right. He said that if we got back together right now, it wouldn't work out for the right reasons, and we both would regret it. I miss him so much. I wish I never lied to him about anything. I tried to move on with J, and didn't know how to do it properly because I had never broken up with anyone before. I don't know what to do- I've backed off a lot on him by leaving the contacts up to him mostly and when we see each other, I leave the lead to him. I've apologized repeatedly and tried to , you know, make it up to him.

 

I suppose, my question is- what should I be doing right now? He told me he loves me so much, and just needs time to himself. He's been distant and I'm confused as to what he wants me to do. I know that he doesn't talk to any of the exes like he does with me, and he has never felt the way he does about me with anyone else. I feel the same way- I feel so frustrated because I messed up big time. I've been doing okay on my own, but at the same time, I'm scared because I don't know what's going to happen. I feel awful for what I put him through- I hurt him badly. I want him to be okay again. Should I be telling him I miss him, that I love him? Or play it by ear and give him his space? I've only seen him probably 3 times since befor new years eve. So sorry for the long story. There's more information, so feel free to ask if needed.

[Space Ritual]

Well sadly you just need to leave him alone completely. I am sorry but he is obviously hurt by all of your lies, so because you couldn't be honest with him in the first place on top of cheating on him, chances are he will never ever trust you. I mean he even offered you immunity and you continued to lie to him???

 

Jeeze I am sorry if this seems harsh but you need to hear this and stop feeling sorry for yourself.If I were you I'd simply move on and learn from this that you need to be honest with not only others but mostly yourself. He needs to be left alone and i would suggest you delete yourself from his life.

 

The lesson you need to learn is that when you had a chance to come clean completely and still lied that at that point any integrity you had in his eyes was dissolved. Please do the guy a favor and let him find somebody who will give him the love and respect he deserves. I am afraid that person is not you.

[mansquito]

What Space Ritual said. You've completely destroyed any chance of him ever trusting you again, and even if he does end coming back to you, it'll never be the same.

 

Breaking it off completely is probably the kindest thing you can do for him.

[lkjh]

You cheated and lied multiple time, on top of all that you have cheated with every guy you have been with since the ex. Its over and you need to clear the first ex out of your life before you move on with anyone

[O'Malley]

You will only be able to move on successfully when you acknowledge why you chose to let your ex sucker you back in time and again. Every future relationship you have will end like this until you choose to stop the lying and cheating. This is the time to focus on your problems and not worry about regaining J's love.

 

The only way to purge your other ex from your mind and heart is to have absolute no contact with him. Change your number/email, respond to none of his contacts (and he will try, once he realizes he's lost your attention.) You have to follow this through or else you'll be stuck in the same quagmire you've put yourself in before.

 

As far as the future, you can't be merely 'friends' with either your ex or J, and as painful as it sounds, you need to go no contact with J if he decides not to be in a relationship with you again.