I don't really like my bf's kids......

[AppleGirl]

We have lived together for 2 years and are engaged. We both have children and we have been trying to have a child together for the past year.

 

The problem is, that over the past couple of years, I have come to dread the weekly visits of his children.

 

Child #1 is female and very intelligent....and knows it. She is a show off and is very manipulative. But I can tolerate her.

 

Child #2 is female and one of the most manipulative children I have ever met. She really gets under my skin. She cries and screams ALL the damn time to get what she wants. It is her "go to move" for everything, whether she's in trouble, whether she wants something, etc. Drives me crazy. She is also a tattletale who cannot get along with any of the other children(including child #1), so she spends her entire visit hanging out with me and her father instead of playing with the other kids. It is annoying and gets on my nerves. I mean, why can't she get along with the other kids????

 

Both these kids are LAZY to the ninth degree. They are both overweight with big potbellies and you have to shove them out the door to go play. I bought both of them bicycles last year so that they could play outside with my kids, but they NEVER used them.

 

My children are just so different from them. They love to play outside and they never whine or cry, it is just not tolerated by me because there are better ways to convey your needs and wants.

 

My kids wear play clothes, while my bf's kids are extremely spoiled and always wear the best brand names out there. Seriously, everything matches...the socks, the bootie cut underwear (which in my mind is totally unsuitable for kids in elementary school), the low rise jeans (again, totally unacceptable to me), the shirt, the sweater, the hair bows, the necklace. It gets on my nerves. It's like they're little fashion models instead of children. They also have a complete fit if they get dirty...I'm talking crying, screaming fit here.

 

I just don't know what to do because these kids are only in elementary school. What's going to happen when they're teenagers...because they're both already little tyrant drama queen fashion models now.

 

I want to like them, but they just get on my nerves so bad that I can't wait for the weekend to end and for them to go back to their mother's place.

[hidyho]

Wow, you sound like the future step mom from hell. Honestly, you need to grow up. Wow, what a shocker that one of his daughters wants to spend time with him while she's visiting?? Maybe they both act miserable while they're visiting because of the way you treat them or they can sense how you really feel? I don't know what kind of advice you were expecting to get here. Kids will be kids and not all kids are as "perfect" as yours. I'm disgusted you would make comments about their weight or clothing. I really hope your boyfriend realizes how you really are.

[AppleGirl]

So, you think that children who whine and cry hysterically for EVERYTHING is okay?

 

And you are also in agreement with young children wearing bootie cut underwear and low rise jeans? These are not teenagers...these are elementary school kids.

 

Also, being obese as a child is never good. It opens up a world of disease, right from the beginning of your life.

[TaraMaiden]

 

AppleGirl, I would suggest you ignore posts you don't feel like responding to..... ok?

 

I know exactly what you mean, but the person responsible for this behaviour primarily, is their mother (I would assume she has primary custody). But their father also needs to take a firm hand and try to improve their quality of life....

You don't mention their ages, but it smacks of adolescence, and kids will always push their boundaries during this period.

They'll often try to play adults off against one another, and rebel - particularly if you're not their biological parent.

You need to sit down and discuss this frankly, with your partner, because things need to change.

Children have no authority of their own, and have no control or say in their circumstances, So they'll try to exert control in other ways, in order to be put first. it's an instinct and mechanism which gets them noticed, and they'll use it in any way they can.

But because you have no direct authority over them, then legally, all you can do is bite your tongue. Your partner needs to lay boundaries for them to declare what is - and is not - acceptable.

And you need to present a united front, because otherwise, they'll do what they can to drive you two guys apart. Even if they don't mean that as an obvious objective....

[hidyho]

You are not their mother though so it's not really your business how they are dressed. You just happen to be dating their father. Yes, obesity is an issue but when you just point out how they have "pot bellies" or whatever you said it didn't come off like your reason for saying so was out of concern for their health......you were just being hateful. It sounds like you have some kind of jealousy issues or something, why else would you be making comments about the children dressing like little fashion models? There are obviously some deeper issues as to why they cry and whine but calling them fat and making fun of the way they dress is not going to solve it.

[TaraMaiden]

Wow, you sound like the future step mom from hell. Honestly, you need to grow up.

Funny, I was going to say the same to you... for a first post, you're sticking your neck out....

wow, what a shocker that one of his daughters wants to spend time with him while she's visiting?? Maybe they both act miserable while they're visiting because of the way you treat them or they can sense how you really feel? I don't know what kind of advice you were expecting to get here... Kids will be kids and not all kids are as "perfect" as yours. I'm disgusted you would make comments about their weight or clothing. I really hope your boyfriend realizes how you really are.

 

You're not the daughter are you?

because you sound terribly bitter and resentful...What the heck is your problem?

This is your first post...

I'd modify your tone, really I would, because you're not going to cultivate many supporters here with that kind of manner....

[TaraMaiden]

You are not their mother though so it's not really your business how they are dressed. You just happen to be dating their father. Yes, obesity is an issue but when you just point out how they have "pot bellies" or whatever you said it didn't come off like your reason for saying so was out of concern for their health......you were just being hateful. It sounds like you have some kind of jealousy issues or something, why else would you be making comments about the children dressing like little fashion models? There are obviously some deeper issues as to why they cry and whine but calling them fat and making fun of the way they dress is not going to solve it.

Yup.

It's his daughter......!

[hidyho]

 

AppleGirl, I would suggest you ignore posts you don't feel like responding to..... ok?

 

 

So, basically ignore any opinion that isn't the same as her own? That's constructive advice.

[hidyho]

Funny, I was going to say the same to you... for a first post, you're sticking your neck out....

 

 

You're not the daughter are you?

because you sound terribly bitter and resentful...What the heck is your problem?

This is your first post...

I'd modify your tone, really I would, because you're not going to cultivate many supporters here with that kind of manner....

 

I'm not here to try to cultivate supporters. She is posting in a public forum for advice, not every reply is going to be favorable. I was giving my honest opinion.....if you don't want honesty, don't ask strangers online for advice. It's okay for her to make snide comments about her bf's daughters pot bellies and clothing but it's not okay for me to disagree with that? It just rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel bad for his kids. If his kids bother her that much she should have a talk with her bf about the way they act, I agree on that point.

[donnamaybe]

So, basically ignore any opinion that isn't the same as her own? That's constructive advice.

 

All you've offered is FAR from constructive advice. All you've done is insult the OP.

 

I, too, would take issue that elementary school kids IN MY HOME were allowed to wear clothes that portray them as little hookers whether they were MY kids or my BF's.

 

I would also take issue with the manipulation tactics that are allowed. I mean, kids are kids and they ARE going to try that, but dad should NOT be allowing it. OP, you may want to rethink this relationship unless you and he can sit down without ANY of the kids present and discuss what will be allowed or not where ALL the kids are concerned. Also, why spend that kind of money on expensive clothes? It's wasteful and could be better spent on household items or even fun events you could all share together.

[hidyho]

The OP's post was full of unnecessary insults towards elementary school age kids, I think she can handle some criticism.

[Angel1111]

I have a friend who was nuts about me for years and wanted to date me. But I couldn't stand his kids. Three boys from hell. To this day, I can't stand to be in the same room with them. They whine and moan about everything, even now that they're grown. I absolutely counld not see myself with someone who had kids like this. While, like you, my son was very normal, happy-go-lucky, with very minimal behavior problems. These kids belonged in a psycho ward. My son couldn't stand these kids, either, so I couldn't see myself putting him in the same house with them. Well, my friend dated a few women and all of them broke up with him because of his kids. I'm happy that I just stayed friends with him, but I lost a lot of respect for him because of the way he let his kids act.

 

You're in a tough situation because you live with your guy and you're engaged to him. Have you ever discussed this with him? What does he do when the kids act like this? It doesn't matter what his kids do at their mom's house, they can be made to understand that they have a different set of rules when they're at dad's house. If your fiance can't get this across to them, then you're going to have serious problems.

 

Other possible ways to deal with this is that when the girl hangs around the two of you all day, give her something to do. Make a pizza with her, get her to help with cooking dinner, something like that. Get them some play clothes and let them know they're there if they don't want to get their other clothes dirty. The problem with the clothes is that they've been taught to cherish them and they can pretend it deflects from their out-of-shape bodies. These kids do need to some serious discipline but you and your fiance are going to have to get on the same page before their behavior improves.

[AppleGirl]

The problem with their weight is that it causes arguments between my bf and I.

 

My children are all really thin and I allow them to have snacks during the day, as well as their meals and snacks before bed (ie a bowl of cereal or toast). I am frankly just glad that they eat something because they are all so active and I worry that they don't eat enough.

 

My bf's children are overweight. They were overweight before I even came into the picture. I'm sorry if that sounds mean but it is a fact. Child #2 weighs as much as a child twice her age.

 

My bf doesn't like it when they eat all the time when they are at our house. As soon as they see someone with something to eat...then they have to eat too. When they see my kids eating...they want to eat too. And then my bf says "No" and then there's the big crying freak out from his kids. My bf doesn't think I should allow my kids to eat so often in front of his because then they want to eat too. And I understand it, they are just kids. But why should my kids be forced to not get adequate daily calories for their activity level just because his kids are overweight and do not engage in any activity at all????

 

As for the inappropriate clothing, they do have "normal" clothing at our house, but refuse to wear it for the most part. Child #1 has said of her booty cut panties, when my bf said he didn't like her wearing them, "No, but, I LOVE them"....and then cue the crying fit. How can a 7 year old LOVE booty cut panties???? And the low rise jeans? I mean, their ass crack is hanging out all the time. It's just so inappropriate.

 

I try and do family activities all the time, but his kids are largely resistant. I arranged a family sliding party a few weeks ago. My kids were thrilled and couldn't wait to go. But we had to almost push his kids into the car. And they only ended up staying for 10 mins. My bf took them home because of all the whining and crying.

 

It's just ridiculous.

[KikiW]

I can understand the OPs frustration... as I mentioned in another post I too am concerned about my SO's daughter's weight, as well as experienced the whining. The difference seems to be that his daughter is with a flighty mother who doesn't consistently parent very well, and dad is out of the area so he cannot compensate for it as often.

 

I really think you and your fiance need to have a frank discussion about this. If you have, how does HE feel about it? Does he do anything to stop the behavior or does he simply let them do what they want? You definitely need to be on the same page, otherwise your children, your future children with him, and his children will all have a difference set of rules to live by and I can guarantee that will make everyone miserable.

 

Sounds to me like Dad needs to get those girls into some counseling and get them to a doctor to get a checkup. They are exhibiting signs of behavioral problems that will only get worse. If he has to go to court to get court-ordered counseling because Mom prefers to put her head in the sand and cover her kids with expensive clothes, then he needs to look into that.

 

As for hidyho, the only "insults" the OP may have made in her post were that the kids were lazy, manipulative and "tyrant drama queen fashion models" - all descriptions which were backed up by examples. You got upset because she mentioned their weight and described them as having potbellies? It's hard not to notice when her kids go out and get regular exercise and these two do not and the results are obvious. You act like the OP sits there are openly mocks these kids to their faces or something. You have a right to your opinion and a right to express it, but there are plenty of ways you could have expressed it without resorting to calling the OP names and making assumptions about her.

[donnamaybe]

The OP's post was full of unnecessary insults towards elementary school age kids, I think she can handle some criticism.

 

Much of what she was was necessary to describe the situation and was not directed AT the kids, so they certainly didn't SEE any of it. Yours, however, seemed borne out of pure animosity for some reason and directed RIGHT at the OP.

[KikiW]

Just read your latest post, AppleGirl - Dad is dropping the ball. The example you gave of going to the sliding party... Dad should have looked those girls in the eye and told them very simply, plainly but FIRMLY that any continued whining and crying would result in the loss of "insert favorite toy/game/article of clothing". And then he needs to DO IT. IMMEDIATELY. And then if they continue, they are told again that they would lose the NEXT favorite item. AND THEN DO IT. And so on and so on until they get the message.

 

I swear that works BRILLIANTLY for my daughter. When she was younger she liked to sleep in her bed with about 15-20 different stuffed animals. Only twice in her entire life has she slept without any stuffed animals in her bed (and we didn't do one-at-a-time, we did her favorite, then 3, then the rest). She hasn't misbehaved like that in YEARS, and all I need to do is ask her if she wants me to take away her "whatever's IN today" because I will not put up with whining and she corrects herself.

 

THE KEY IS CONSISTENCY. Dad can't go half-a$$ed with it. He has GOT to say it and MEAN IT. And he CANNOT allow himself to be manipulated by whining and crying. He is not doing them any favors at ALL by letting them get away with it. He is harming their chances of a happy social life with friends (who wants to be friends with whiney girls who cry when they don't get their way?), a happy home life (inconsistency causes confusion and jealousy), and a happy future life (how much money is spent of weight loss products every year?).

 

You MUST talk to your fiance about this.

[Angel1111]

Then you're probably not going to be able to fix any of this since the dad won't discipline his kids. They're totally running his life - and yours. It now just comes down to whether or not you choose to live with this, and if you really think the two of you should get married.

 

You're talking about years of this kind of intense frustration. Even when they grow up, you'll still have to deal with them. And, believe me, they won't get any better over the years. You're also putting your daughters in the middle of this mess. Is that fair to them? You just need to decide what you want to do. If I were you, I'd have a talk with my fiance and let him know the seriousness of this. The problem is, he's going to have this same problem with any woman he's with. He just needs to be realistic and understand that this is effecting you negatively, and he's not doing his kids any favors, either.

Edited January 14, 2010 by Angel1111

[Lizzie60]

been there.. my last ex had 3 girls.. from 13 to 6 (when we moved together)... I was the step mom for 18 years.

 

this is not easy... but think about these girls.. for them, YOU and YOUR kids took their place with their father.. this is extremely hard for children to accept...

 

They are young.. so do not expect them to think, analyse and act like adults.. (you seem to think so)...

 

How they dress and the kind of clothes they wear is none of your business... there is absolutely nothing you can do about this... it's their parents' responsibilities.. not yours.

 

From your OP (I haven't read the thread)... your children are 'angels'.. well disciplined.. well behaved... but not those girls..

 

Pease do NOT have another child.. it will get even worst...

 

You are obviously immature (I know I was at first but I was 26)... I don't know how old you are .. but it sounds like you're older... it took me a little while to get used to my new role.. but I did a lot of compromises.. I already had a daughter .. and she was perfect too (like yours).. but by the time I had my son... the girlsl were much older and they adored me.. still are...

 

Your relationship will NOT work.. mark my words.. if YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE towards these children... simple as that..

 

Put some water in your 'whine'

[Angel1111]

You are not their mother though so it's not really your business how they are dressed. You just happen to be dating their father. Yes, obesity is an issue but when you just point out how they have "pot bellies" or whatever you said it didn't come off like your reason for saying so was out of concern for their health......you were just being hateful. It sounds like you have some kind of jealousy issues or something, why else would you be making comments about the children dressing like little fashion models? There are obviously some deeper issues as to why they cry and whine but calling them fat and making fun of the way they dress is not going to solve it.

 

It's appalling to me the number of overweight kids I see these days. Aside from the 1% that may have medical problems, there is no excuse for this. She wasn't making fun of the girls - just pointing out the obvious. Children with weight issues usually have another immediate issue - self-esteem. And that can come out in a thousand different ways. These kids have zero self-esteem, which is why they're constantly vying for attention in every negative way they can. Both of their parents should be ashamed of themselves for letting their girls act and be this way.

[Clep]

We have lived together for 2 years and are engaged. We both have children and we have been trying to have a child together for the past year.

 

She is also a tattletale who cannot get along with any of the other children(including child #1), so she spends her entire visit hanging out with me and her father instead of playing with the other kids. It is annoying and gets on my nerves. I mean, why can't she get along with the other kids????

 

Both these kids are LAZY to the ninth degree. They are both overweight with big potbellies and you have to shove them out the door to go play. I bought both of them bicycles last year so that they could play outside with my kids, but they NEVER used them.

 

My children are just so different from them. They love to play outside and they never whine or cry, it is just not tolerated by me because there are better ways to convey your needs and wants.

 

My kids wear play clothes, while my bf's kids are extremely spoiled and always wear the best brand names out there. Seriously, everything matches...the socks, the bootie cut underwear (which in my mind is totally unsuitable for kids in elementary school), the low rise jeans (again, totally unacceptable to me), the shirt, the sweater, the hair bows, the necklace. It gets on my nerves. It's like they're little fashion models instead of children. They also have a complete fit if they get dirty...I'm talking crying, screaming fit here.

 

I just don't know what to do because these kids are only in elementary school. What's going to happen when they're teenagers...because they're both already little tyrant drama queen fashion models now.

 

I want to like them, but they just get on my nerves so bad that I can't wait for the weekend to end and for them to go back to their mother's place.

 

It sounds to me like there is lots going on. Have you brought up these issues in the last two years with your fiancé and how was it received if you have?

 

Does dad agree with the way the children are being raised, and are he and the mom co-parenting successfully and agreeing together with the very little boundaries the children seem to have?

 

I am a little confused as to why you would want to have a child with him if you already do not agree with the way he is with his own children?

 

It sounds like buying them bikes you are trying to get them involved with other children and get some exercise at the same time. Nice to see you trying to make a move in the right direction.

 

I completely agree that it is vital children learn to convey their needs and wants in a positive manner. It is also important for them to be taught the difference between a need and a want which seems to be lacking with your guys children based upon your post.

 

I think the problem is not the children at all but the parents. They are just kids and will do what is allowed and will test boundaries at will. That is one of the aspects of growing up.

 

I would be deeply concerned about the way they are encouraged to dress. I say encouraged as they don't buy their own clothes so if mom or dad is forking the bill for these types of clothes the girls are encouraged in my opinion.

 

Has dad taken any parenting courses, or mom for that matter. It would appear to me that boundaries are not present with mom or dad, or they would be present with the children.

 

I would take up my concerns as diplomatically as I can with dad. Does he see a difference between the behaviors of your children and his? This really is the parents lacking here, not the children at all from my humble opinion. How is child rearing going to look when you share a child?

[Clep]

The problem with their weight is that it causes arguments between my bf and I.

 

My children are all really thin and I allow them to have snacks during the day, as well as their meals and snacks before bed (ie a bowl of cereal or toast). I am frankly just glad that they eat something because they are all so active and I worry that they don't eat enough.

 

My bf's children are overweight. They were overweight before I even came into the picture. I'm sorry if that sounds mean but it is a fact. Child #2 weighs as much as a child twice her age.

 

My bf doesn't like it when they eat all the time when they are at our house. As soon as they see someone with something to eat...then they have to eat too. When they see my kids eating...they want to eat too. And then my bf says "No" and then there's the big crying freak out from his kids. My bf doesn't think I should allow my kids to eat so often in front of his because then they want to eat too. And I understand it, they are just kids. But why should my kids be forced to not get adequate daily calories for their activity level just because his kids are overweight and do not engage in any activity at all????

 

As for the inappropriate clothing, they do have "normal" clothing at our house, but refuse to wear it for the most part. Child #1 has said of her booty cut panties, when my bf said he didn't like her wearing them, "No, but, I LOVE them"....and then cue the crying fit. How can a 7 year old LOVE booty cut panties???? And the low rise jeans? I mean, their ass crack is hanging out all the time. It's just so inappropriate.

 

I try and do family activities all the time, but his kids are largely resistant. I arranged a family sliding party a few weeks ago. My kids were thrilled and couldn't wait to go. But we had to almost push his kids into the car. And they only ended up staying for 10 mins. My bf took them home because of all the whining and crying.

 

It's just ridiculous.

 

Well this post says it all. Sorry I didn't read this before responding to you. Dad seems to be incapable or unwilling to be the parent here. I have a twenty year old daughter who has the same type of father. I am much more like you are. My daughter went to live with her father when she was nineteen as she runs the show there and she can't at my house. My daughter is an intelligent wonderful person, but one would never know as the beauty she is has been clouded by manipulation and selfishness. Her father has done her a great injustice. I would think if you had a child with this man the two of you would be fighting all the time. I'm surprised you aren't now.

 

I see the route these parents are taking with their children and they are doing nothing more than enabling selfish, poor behavior with these kids. You are right, when they grow up...watch out.

 

BTW the learning time for children is up to about twelve. Not that people can't learn past then, but those are the learning years, and the values we teach are vital at that time.

 

If I were in your position I would be deeply concerned about the negative influence your guy and his children have on my children.

[hidyho]

Like I said before, her initial post didn't make it seem like she was saying it out of concern for their health. Yes, that's unfortunate that they are overweight but if the girls aren't there the majority of the time there's only so much her and her boyfriend can do about that. The girls probably don't understand why your children can have a snack and they can't at a certain time, they probably interpret that as you being mean. I can see why your boyfriend gets mad that you feed your kids right in front of his. Try to see it through their eyes. There's obviously some deeper issues here as to why his daughter's act the way they do but it's not entirely their fault, it's how they were raised. They're never going to be just like your kids so stop expecting them to be that way.

[Maxxx]

We have lived together for 2 years and are engaged. We both have children and we have been trying to have a child together for the past year.

 

The problem is,

 

 

I stopped reading this because there are so many issues with in these first few lines........ Engaged BUT NOT married and already trying to have your own child???? WTF why are you trying to have another child with this guy when you don't like the kids he already has? Its a total package honey........... If you don't like his kids you can't have him...... It would be different if you didn't like his mother or something you are not going to be charged with talking care of her......

 

So in short the problem while his kids may have issues you are the problem.. grow up and get out of the relationship and stop having kids would be he first round of business for you

[tigereyes1428]

ok here is my thoughts - these are children you are talking about and the children of the man you love. do you get on with their mother? - this really is your mans problem to sort out but you need to remember that those chlildren are prob very hurt - i feel its unfair to compare them to your own kids and to complain about their clothing . your partner needs to implement some discipline like time out or naughty step for inappropriate behaviour like tantrums and yelling - these rules should be the same for all the kids involved - i am not saying that its easy but simple things can provide solutions - does your partner spend time alone with his kids without you an your kids - perhaps all they want is some one on one daddy time - do you show them affection ? do you treat your own kids differently? they sound like they are crying out for attention in any way they can get it . do you suspect that they are aware that you dont like them?

[Angel1111]

ok here is my thoughts - these are children you are talking about and the children of the man you love. do you get on with their mother? - this really is your mans problem to sort out but you need to remember that those chlildren are prob very hurt - i feel its unfair to compare them to your own kids and to complain about their clothing . your partner needs to implement some discipline like time out or naughty step for inappropriate behaviour like tantrums and yelling - these rules should be the same for all the kids involved - i am not saying that its easy but simple things can provide solutions - does your partner spend time alone with his kids without you an your kids - perhaps all they want is some one on one daddy time - do you show them affection ? do you treat your own kids differently? they sound like they are crying out for attention in any way they can get it . do you suspect that they are aware that you dont like them?

 

The problem is that the parents won't act like parents, and the kids are out of control - which means AppleGirl has to live with the chaos. Whether it's the kids fault or not isn't the point, all she's saying is that they're difficult to be around and no one is in control - except the kids. This makes for a very disruptive home life. AppleGirl, on the other hand, has full control of her kids, so why should she pay the price for being around ill-mannered kids? This would be a totally unacceptable to me. I simply could not live with it.