I don't really like my bf's kids......

[tigereyes1428]

its not easy but when you love someone you have to be prepared to make compromises and think outside the box - i feel heartbrokenly sorry for the step kids its awful to think they may pick up on the vibe that daddys new woman does not like them

please do not have another child with this man - his kids will be destroyed by this

[AppleGirl]

MY bf and I are going back to counselling for this whole issue. Otherwise, things are just not going to work out. Blending families is a very difficult task. You have two different parents with a different set of values and parenting skills. And then you have the kids, who are all different personalities and come with their own set of challenges.

 

I suspect that those of you who answered this post in an angry and accusing manner, were either children of divorce, an overweight child or are currently overweight. It really surprised me that some people could take this so personally.

 

Anyway, who knows if this will all ultimately work out. I have been on Loveshack since last fall, looking for help with a variety of problems that have plagued our relationship. I was very easygoing in the beginning of our relationship and was very loving and involved in his children's lives.

 

This issue of feeling like I don't "like them very much" has only come up in the last 4-5 months (since we have been having quite a few problems, which are unrelated to the kids).

 

I really only started focusing on the negative things that I disliked about his kids, primarily because in the past, I had always been really nice towards his kids and my bf was pretty rotten towards mine. He was always very aggressive, yelling, etc with them and it pissed me off that my kids got the ****ty end of the stick...while I was so nice to his. So, I decided that it was only fair that his kids got the same treatment as mine....and now I can't seem to see anything BUT the bad things about them.

 

So, we obviously need counselling....again.

[Angel1111]

MY bf and I are going back to counselling for this whole issue. Otherwise, things are just not going to work out. Blending families is a very difficult task. You have two different parents with a different set of values and parenting skills. And then you have the kids, who are all different personalities and come with their own set of challenges.

I really only started focusing on the negative things that I disliked about his kids, primarily because in the past, I had always been really nice towards his kids and my bf was pretty rotten towards mine. He was always very aggressive, yelling, etc with them and it pissed me off that my kids got the ****ty end of the stick...while I was so nice to his. So, I decided that it was only fair that his kids got the same treatment as mine....and now I can't seem to see anything BUT the bad things about them.

 

So, we obviously need counselling....again.

 

These aren't good signs for your relationship. Don't let any man ever treat your children badly - and that even means treating them with indifference. If you find yourself continually needing to go to counseling with this guy, I think that alone spells trouble.

 

I can totally see why these kids are annoying and it truly is a dealbreaker. I don't know why everyone took your comments in the way that they did. But this situation would bother me a lot, too.

[Maxxx]

MY bf and I are going back to counselling for this whole issue. Otherwise, things are just not going to work out. Blending families is a very difficult task. You have two different parents with a different set of values and parenting skills. And then you have the kids, who are all different personalities and come with their own set of challenges.

 

I suspect that those of you who answered this post in an angry and accusing manner, were either children of divorce, an overweight child or are currently overweight. It really surprised me that some people could take this so personally.

 

Anyway, who knows if this will all ultimately work out. I have been on Loveshack since last fall, looking for help with a variety of problems that have plagued our relationship. I was very easygoing in the beginning of our relationship and was very loving and involved in his children's lives.

 

This issue of feeling like I don't "like them very much" has only come up in the last 4-5 months (since we have been having quite a few problems, which are unrelated to the kids).

 

I really only started focusing on the negative things that I disliked about his kids, primarily because in the past, I had always been really nice towards his kids and my bf was pretty rotten towards mine. He was always very aggressive, yelling, etc with them and it pissed me off that my kids got the ****ty end of the stick...while I was so nice to his. So, I decided that it was only fair that his kids got the same treatment as mine....and now I can't seem to see anything BUT the bad things about them.

 

So, we obviously need counselling....again.

 

 

My only question and issue with this whole thing is this........ Why in the world (as you said in your first post) If you are having all these issues now are you trying to have MORE KIDS? ie. one with this guy....... That is just crazy if you are having relationship issues you don't try to have more kids to fix it.

[GAchasen]

LMAO!!!!!!

When you marry someone with kids, you are receiving the full package!

[Angel1111]

LMAO!!!!!!

When you marry someone with kids, you are receiving the full package!

 

What part of this is so funny? You're saying that the package includes ill-mannered children? People make it sound like bratty children who run the house is to be expected when it comes to kids. It's complete nonsense. Our society is SO lacking in the most basic skills; what I call the Big 3: money, relationships, and raising kids.

[AppleGirl]

I do realize that when you marry someone who has children, that they are part of the package. But I do not agree with children being allowed to dress like little hookers, scream and cry for everything they want and eat constantly from the moment they walk in the door until the time they go home but do zero physical activity to burn it off.

 

I don't tolerate this kind of crap from my own kids, so why is it to be tolerated from his kids?

 

Also, we are not trying to have a baby right now. We have enough problems as it is without adding another child to the mix.

 

Maybe this relationship is not for me. I have felt very unhappy for the past few months but hold on because both sets of kids have already been through divorce and upheaval. I don't want to put them through that again. And so I am trying my best to deal with things.

[GAchasen]

What part of this is so funny? You're saying that the package includes ill-mannered children? People make it sound like bratty children who run the house is to be expected when it comes to kids. It's complete nonsense. Our society is SO lacking in the most basic skills; what I call the Big 3: money, relationships, and raising kids.

 

 

It is funny...I think it is funny because she has been with him for a few years and it is just now an issue? I think it is funny because I have been in those shoes....So yeah....I do:)

 

And I wasn't referring to the fact about the bratty kids....I was mainly laughing at the situation. I have a right to my opinion just because you think it's nonsense, doesn't mean it is.

[GAchasen]

I do realize that when you marry someone who has children, that they are part of the package. But I do not agree with children being allowed to dress like little hookers, scream and cry for everything they want and eat constantly from the moment they walk in the door until the time they go home but do zero physical activity to burn it off.

 

I don't tolerate this kind of crap from my own kids, so why is it to be tolerated from his kids?

 

Also, we are not trying to have a baby right now. We have enough problems as it is without adding another child to the mix.

 

Maybe this relationship is not for me. I have felt very unhappy for the past few months but hold on because both sets of kids have already been through divorce and upheaval. I don't want to put them through that again. And so I am trying my best to deal with things.

 

I agree...but what is the father doing to change it? It starts very young....when children think they can get away with things early, then they will assume they can do the same thing later.

 

Also, did either of you talk about your beliefs, views, or whatever on raising children.

 

I made that comment earlier because I was recently dating a full time father and he was horrible with his children. I could not see myself with him and his lack of assertivness. That is a huge deal breaker for me, when I see how a man acts towards his children.

[RedDevil66]

Well this is a subject I know about VERY well!

I've posted about this same topic (I think on LS) and another board and got the same reactions/replies as you are Apple

 

I've been with my BF for 4 yrs now. I met his kids when were together 6 months. On that very first meeting, I knew his kids were not "normal"

But I chalked it up to maybe they were nervous or whatever

Well it never got better.

My Bf's kids are spoiled, dramatic, emotionally stunted and MAJOR manipulators.

Though my Bf and his ex come from wealth and status, they are both addicts (him a recoverying alcoholic and her a active druggie).

They don't address or acknowledge their issues.

 

I hate to say this, but I can't stand my BF's son either. It takes ALL of me to be in the same room as this kid

BUT, with therapy I learned, it's not the kids faults, they are the victims to bad parenting.

They just do what they are told.

I took it out on his kids by acting cold and indifferent.

Now when I see them, I try to be as warm as possible and really let them know I am there for them

 

These kids have no ZERO boundaries and cannot fend for themselves if their lives depended on it.

They are 15 and 13 and don't even know how to use a microwave nor are they allowed to play outside alone.

 

THe BIGGEST issues and fights with my BF have been about his kids.

His son scares me, and I finally convinced by BF to get his son into therapy

He did (the ex wife was totally against it) and the dr said this boy was paranoid and emotionally unstable.

They took him out of therapy after 4 times (said he didn't need it)

 

I also need to mention, his daughter is very overweight. No one stops her from eating and my BF's family focuses on FOOD all the time. Every event is around food.

 

In any case, my BF comes from a highly dysfunctional family as does his ex wife.

My BF is working hard in AA on recovery and is now seeing his kids need help

 

There was (and still is) no discussing this issue with my BF so it's simple, his kids are not allowed in my home anymore and I will only see them once and a while.

When the kids are well behave and my BF starts to make changes, then I can open up to them more.

 

Sure it sucks, because i love my BF and have 4 yrs with him and thought maybe these kids would grow out of their "oddness', but it seems to be only getting worse.

 

If your BF is willing to get therapy with you to talk about it, hang in there. But it's VERY hard for a parent to acknowledge that maybe they are not good parents.

 

I'm in therapy with my BF but not really come to the "kids' part yet and suspect my BF will never accept his kids are a mess.

 

I sympathize with your situation and for those who say "he's a full package", yeah he sure is, but you DO NOT have to accept this kids bad behaviors nor do you have to throw away your BF because of it, but I would suggest not living with him until the issues are solved or until the kids or grown and to have another baby would make this TOTALLY worse.

 

It's a tough spot, I know!

Edited January 18, 2010 by RedDevil66

[Maxxx]

I do realize that when you marry someone who has children, that they are part of the package. But I do not agree with children being allowed to dress like little hookers, scream and cry for everything they want and eat constantly from the moment they walk in the door until the time they go home but do zero physical activity to burn it off.

 

I don't tolerate this kind of crap from my own kids, so why is it to be tolerated from his kids?

 

Also, we are not trying to have a baby right now. We have enough problems as it is without adding another child to the mix.

Maybe this relationship is not for me. I have felt very unhappy for the past few months but hold on because both sets of kids have already been through divorce and upheaval. I don't want to put them through that again. And so I am trying my best to deal with things.

 

 

 

If I may your own words from the first post :

 

We have lived together for 2 years and are engaged. We both have children and we have been trying to have a child together for the past year.

 

Now are you or are you not trying to bring another child into this mess?

[Maxxx]

Our society is SO lacking in the most basic skills; what I call the Big 3: money, relationships, and raising kids.

 

 

Oh I would agree with this statement

[silverfish]

Just to add my few pennies worth....I am a child of divorce, and also divorced myself with 2 kids. I posted before when there was a similar situation on LS..

 

I think its easier for adults / parents who have been through divorce in a way to see things from the kids point of view. Its admirable that you want to work on this with your b/f because you don't want to put all these kids through more heartache.

 

However, I'll say the same to you as I've said before...his kids want to see their dad. Not you, not your daughters, not the neighbours or their kids. They are selfish, as all children are. They were rejected once when their parents split up, and they are feeling rejection again when they visit him...however much you try and hide it from them they will feel it.

 

I understand that their behaviour, way they dress, eat, etc gets on your nerves, but you'll never get anywhere with this until you give them the space with their dad that they need when they visit. They must feel like 2nd best in your home anyway - your kids live with your b/f right? Any idea how much that must hurt?

 

Why dont you take your kids out somewhere when they visit - I expect you'd like the space and time on your own with them too sometimes, and they'd like you to themselves as well. Don't forget, this situation is not what any of these kids really want right now. It could work in the future if you all pull together and make them ALL feel like they are part of the family though

[AppleGirl]

So why not take them shopping and buy them some clothes you think are more appropriate?

 

As I said in one of my previous posts in this thread, they DO have normal children's clothing at our house but their mother sends them clothing over with them for the weekend and they refuse to wear our clothing that we have bought for them.

 

The seven yr old (and I quote) "LOVES her booty cut panties and low rise jeans". You can see both their ass cracks hanging out all the time. We have had company over at the house several times who have also commented on how the kids were dressed...so I know it must be inappropriate for other people to bother to comment on it.

 

No, this is not an exit strategy on my part. This relationship has many "issues", this issue with the children being just one of them and I am simply seeking advice on how to deal with it.

[AppleGirl]

 

However, I'll say the same to you as I've said before...his kids want to see their dad. Not you, not your daughters, not the neighbours or their kids. They are selfish, as all children are. They were rejected once when their parents split up, and they are feeling rejection again when they visit him...however much you try and hide it from them they will feel it.

 

I understand that their behaviour, way they dress, eat, etc gets on your nerves, but you'll never get anywhere with this until you give them the space with their dad that they need when they visit. They must feel like 2nd best in your home anyway - your kids live with your b/f right? Any idea how much that must hurt?

 

I understand that they want to see their dad, I really do. I have encouraged him repeatedly to get more involved in their lives. I have suggested that he call them daily (as my ex husband does). I have suggested that we take them more often over the summer. I have suggested that we take them every week on Friday, Sat, Sun (instead of just Sat night to Sun night)...but he has been resistant and we have been together long enough for me to know when my input is not wanted.

 

My children do not live with us full time. They are with their father several days out of every week, so every second weekend my bf's kids are at my house and my children are not there and I am working the entire weekend. So, they have their father all to themselves.

 

Why dont you take your kids out somewhere when they visit - I expect you'd like the space and time on your own with them too sometimes, and they'd like you to themselves as well. Don't forget, this situation is not what any of these kids really want right now. It could work in the future if you all pull together and make them ALL feel like they are part of the family though

 

I must say that I don't really like the idea of having to leave and take my kids out when my bf's kids visit. Why should I have to leave and spend money to take my kids out somewhere just because they are there? It's MY house for pete's sake, not my bf's house. He lives with me, it is not a house that we bought together.

 

I realize that this situation is not what his kids want, but I did not create it. It was their mother that kicked him out of the house. It was their mother that wanted a divorce. It was their mother that continually searched for her ex boyfriend online while she was married...and is now with that man.

 

I must say that I appreciate your input more than anyone else's here because you have been through this yourself as a child of divorce.

[silverfish]

I understand that they want to see their dad, I really do. I have encouraged him repeatedly to get more involved in their lives. I have suggested that he call them daily (as my ex husband does). I have suggested that we take them more often over the summer. I have suggested that we take them every week on Friday, Sat, Sun (instead of just Sat night to Sun night)...but he has been resistant and we have been together long enough for me to know when my input is not wanted.

 

My children do not live with us full time. They are with their father several days out of every week, so every second weekend my bf's kids are at my house and my children are not there and I am working the entire weekend. So, they have their father all to themselves.

 

 

 

I must say that I don't really like the idea of having to leave and take my kids out when my bf's kids visit. Why should I have to leave and spend money to take my kids out somewhere just because they are there? It's MY house for pete's sake, not my bf's house. He lives with me, it is not a house that we bought together.

 

I realize that this situation is not what his kids want, but I did not create it. It was their mother that kicked him out of the house. It was their mother that wanted a divorce. It was their mother that continually searched for her ex boyfriend online while she was married...and is now with that man.

 

I must say that I appreciate your input more than anyone else's here because you have been through this yourself as a child of divorce.

 

The bolded part makes me wonder then whether you have the same values as parents. If he's not prepared to put the effort in with them and do these things, then how & why would anything change with their behaviour or the way they dress etc.

 

There often seems to be a dynamic between step parents and step children whereby the children get it in the neck for the shortcomings of the parents or the ex...this happened with my step brother and my mum, and it also happened with my step mum and me and my sister. I'm not saying thats what IS happening here, but it could be part of it.

 

All I can say is that kids are extremely sensitive to this. Imagine how you feel if you are meeting, say, your b/f's mother for the 1st time, and you just get that 'vibe' that she doesnt like you...women are very good at this! When you are a kid its like that times 100...except you don't really know WHY you are getting the 'vibe'

 

Kids always play up when there is tension, and it sounds like his kids have been through a lot. I don't really know what to suggest, except that you do feels right to you...

[Norman Bates]

Answer is simple. Leave him. Find someone else before you do have kids and then you are bounded to him forever. You, him and his ex have issues. If you care even in the slightest for your own children, put them first and do whats right for them.

 

First thing would be to not have children with this guy because then your kids have no choice but to put up with your boyfriends crap plus his kids crap.

 

You mentioned that you didnt like the way he treated your children? well have a child with this man and see how he treats him/her. Before, you could tell him off because he is not your kids father but this time, he is. He will eventually get used to you and your kids and treat you the same way as he did his ex.