gracielou Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 I got engaged this past Halloween and have had very few bumps in planning, which is surprising since I'm a graduate student in california and my wedding will be held back in upstate New York. As a grad student i don't have time to fly back to NY to have a bridal shower... and I don't want one actually. When I was back for christmas, I expressed my lack of desire to have a shower to my mom and she nearly fell out of her chair and looked at me like i was crazy. None of my girlfriends live around the area anymore, my bridesmaids live from boston to maryland and my maid of honor is moving out to Arizona. My extended family isn't even that local. What is the purpose of the shower? is it really necessary? or is it just another way to get gifts. If its about the gifts then I don't have a preference and would rather ppl save their money and just come to the wedding. Thoughts? Ideas? tips? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Congrats on your engagement! If its about the gifts then I don't have a preference and would rather ppl save their money and just come to the wedding. I think that is delightful of you! I'd suggest that you start telling everyone you know how you feel and what you value -- their presence not their presents -- so that nobody starts having any urges to try to throw you what sounds like would be an impossible-to-organize shower. Ask your mom to respect your wishes and your choice to not be bound by ancient traditions that no longer make sense in our modern society. Let her know that YOU will not feel unloved or slighted in the least if there is no shower held in your honour. Remind her that she can honour you most by not making a big deal out of something that is not a big deal to you. Wishing you and your betrothed a long, healthy and happy life together Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 If your mom is insistent, and you don't feel like fighting it to the death, what about suggesting a no-gifts gathering the week of the wedding (when people will already be coming to town for the celebration)? My girlfriend had her shower a few days before the wedding. Worked out great. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 Showers aren't necessary. If your mother keeps insisting, just tell her that if there's a shower thrown for you, you won't attend and neither will your bridal party. Explain the same to your bridal party and suggest they also not show. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 I got engaged this past Halloween and have had very few bumps in planning, which is surprising since I'm a graduate student in california and my wedding will be held back in upstate New York. As a grad student i don't have time to fly back to NY to have a bridal shower... and I don't want one actually. When I was back for christmas, I expressed my lack of desire to have a shower to my mom and she nearly fell out of her chair and looked at me like i was crazy. None of my girlfriends live around the area anymore, my bridesmaids live from boston to maryland and my maid of honor is moving out to Arizona. My extended family isn't even that local. What is the purpose of the shower? is it really necessary? or is it just another way to get gifts. If its about the gifts then I don't have a preference and would rather ppl save their money and just come to the wedding. Thoughts? Ideas? tips? sounds like my mother!!! she actually came to my work and basically accussed me of NOT wanting to get married because in her eyes i wasn't acting the "right way".... AKA- spending hours and hours planning my wedding and picking gifts froma registry.... i do know some brides that have 2 or more showers..... i do not get it. there was one shower that was held for my husband and i, but it was in another state and it included my older relatives who would not be able to make it to the wedding... it was ok- but not my type at thing at all. i think original purpose was to give gifts... but that has been blown up by the wedding machine to increase the money the wedding vendors make. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 just tell her that if there's a shower thrown for you, you won't attend That is what I did. I said to everyone, well in advance, "You can have it in the middle of nowhere and even if you somehow get me there under false pretenses...I will just start walking towards the nearest highway or train/bus station. Trust me. I will do that." (I heard later that my MoH still got pressured to throw a shower...not by my mom, though...but my MoH convinced others that I was NOT kidding about any of it.) I told my bridal party that they could do whatever they wanted if they got invites to a shower in my name...but I was sure as aint gonna be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 i do know some brides that have 2 or more showers..... i do not get it. I will be having 2 showers, that's just circumstances though. My future MIL wants to throw me one, however she lives across the state, as does future SIL (one of my bridesmaids). So they (MIL and SIL) will be throwing me one in her hometown and my other bridesmaids will be throwing me one in my city. I have already told everyone that it is not neccessary to get me gifts, I would just enjoy their company. I guess it's a nice gesture on the part of the people who care for me, so I am not completely opposed to it. I do not view it as an easy way to get gifts though, just to do something nice for me since I am honoring them in my wedding. My advice to you though is to let them have some kind of "get together" as sunshinegrl has suggested. Make it a "no gift thing" just ladies having lunch the week of the wedding. I mean really, they just want to do something nice for you since you are the bride! Don't make them feel bad!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracielou Posted January 16, 2010 Author Share Posted January 16, 2010 I haven't talked to my mom again about it since the first day...since its not a pressing issue at the moment. Right now we seem to be having differences about the actual ceremony being just a marriage rite and not a mass... but thats another story (tho i think ive convinced her that it still makes my marriage valid in the eyes of the RCC) My fiance and I have pretty much adapted the slogan "Its our wedding and We do what we WANT!" Although we don't want people to feel bad, there is just a few traditions that seem out dated and dont fit us as a couple. We are doing away will a traditional rehearsal dinner, having a junior bridesmaid and no flower girl, my bridesmaids are in black dresses and get to pick out what dress they want... idk i need to talk to my mom again about it and gently show her my reasons behind the no shower i guess. Thanks all for the advice! i just wanted to make sure i wasn't breaking serious etiquette protocol. Link to post Share on other sites
greatgirlfriend Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 If I ever get married, I'd do the engagement party instead, or at least a coed bridal shower. Women only showers are outdated. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 I got engaged this past Halloween and have had very few bumps in planning, which is surprising since I'm a graduate student in california and my wedding will be held back in upstate New York. As a grad student i don't have time to fly back to NY to have a bridal shower... and I don't want one actually. When I was back for christmas, I expressed my lack of desire to have a shower to my mom and she nearly fell out of her chair and looked at me like i was crazy. None of my girlfriends live around the area anymore, my bridesmaids live from boston to maryland and my maid of honor is moving out to Arizona. My extended family isn't even that local. What is the purpose of the shower? is it really necessary? or is it just another way to get gifts. If its about the gifts then I don't have a preference and would rather ppl save their money and just come to the wedding. Thoughts? Ideas? tips? Good for you for not wanting a shower... I absolutely HATE all kinds of showers.. they are 'beggar's party' IMO... Most people will give you a gift so.. to have a shower is like asking for another gift.. which is IMO.. not very classy. My daughter had 2 children.. and we didn't have baby showers... she also is against it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Good for you for not wanting a shower... I absolutely HATE all kinds of showers.. they are 'beggar's party' IMO... Most people will give you a gift so.. to have a shower is like asking for another gift.. which is IMO.. not very classy. My daughter had 2 children.. and we didn't have baby showers... she also is against it.. Beggars party? I'm having two showers, one in my fiance's hometown that his mother and sister are throwing and one in my hometown that my bridesmaids are throwing me. I told my fiance's mother to tell people they aren't obligated to get me a present in order to come to the party. I personally like showers because it is a chance to have fun and have the people who love you do something nice for you. It's not always about presents, it's about celebrating. Not everyone is as selfish as you think they are Lizzie... Link to post Share on other sites
weddingbands Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Diamond rings are also a delightful gift for a loved one. Link to post Share on other sites
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