Ex GF coming to visit me. Why?

[PACT]

My ex gf is coming to visit me this weekend and I have no idea how to act or read into this. Some real quick background: we broke up in March of 2009 after a year long relationship. She did some things she regrets in May i.e. sleeping with her ex and also this guy who just used her. So June rolls around and we are both interning in DC, her for the whole summer, myself for the first 6 weeks. We are both seniors in college. It starts slow but pretty soon we are kissing all the time, she's sleeping over, going out to dinner together, etc. At one point about 5 weeks into it she says maybe we should consider getting back together in the fall. I tried to sound positive yet somewhat indifferent about it.

 

The 6 weeks of me working there ends, and I head home. A week later we are talking on the phone and she says that she thinks the past 6 weeks were kind of a mistake and all that kind of stuff. She then gets an offer later that summer to stay and work in DC instead of going back to our college, so she takes the offer. So long story short, I end up semi-dating this kind of girl I worked with in DC over the summer and I date her through the fall. Problem is, she has to leave the country because her visa is up (she is British/Australian) and has no idea if she'll be back or when etc. so we have since broken up. My ex finds out about this like 3-4 weeks ago and all the sudden within the past 2 weeks she is calling me after work and at night all the time, texting me a bunch, and asked if she could come visit me at home over this weekend since I'm on college winter break. We also had a big convo a couple days ago about the girl just dated and the summer as a whole in which I felt we really didn't establish anything.

 

So now she is coming to see me on Saturday until Monday and I have no idea how to read into this or how to act around her. I feel like there is the possibility that she is just pulling the typical ex thing where they want you to be hung up on them, especially once they found out you dated someone(s) since them. But I also don't know if she might be genuinely interested in me? I feel like it's a pretty accurate assumption that this all began when she found out about my most recent girlfriend, but idk what her intentions are with all the sudden wanting to come see me.

[Enema]

I'd say she's tried a bunch of fresh sausage since you guys broke up in March and since you finished your internship - but she got burned.

 

So, now she knows you're single, she wants to go back to old faithful until someone really cool comes along.

 

Just my guess. Ex's should stay Ex's.

[LovelyDaze]

So now she is coming to see me on Saturday until Monday and I have no idea how to read into this or how to act around her. I feel like there is the possibility that she is just pulling the typical ex thing where they want you to be hung up on them, especially once they found out you dated someone(s) since them. But I also don't know if she might be genuinely interested in me? I feel like it's a pretty accurate assumption that this all began when she found out about my most recent girlfriend, but idk what her intentions are with all the sudden wanting to come see me.

 

 

You are absolutely right. By what you told us, she is one of MANY exes who went back out in the dating pool, found it scary, jumped back out, and now wants to hang at the bar with you until she feels like swimming for more fish. Typical ex(dumper) behavior.

 

I wish there was a way you can cancel this sad little visit but I am guessing you can't. What you do is be hospitable but observe her motives with a keen eye and super magnifying glasses. I can bet that after she returns home she will be suddenly unavailable to you when YOU need her.

 

I will advise to go NC as soon as she leaves and don't look back. You are worth more in this world then to be used in this way.

[norajane]

Whatever.

 

No, really. What does it matter?

 

You made zero mention of how you feel about her, so you probably don't really give a sh*t about her. So why do you care that she's coming to visit? What do you want from her? Why did you tell her yeah, come see me?

 

You'll likely get a roll in the hay, if you want. She isn't coming to visit for no reason, so you'll get that.

 

But so what? Do you care about her? Doesn't sound like it.

[PACT]

Norajane, I apologize for not elaborating on my feelings about her. I was attempting to keep my post as brief as possible given that my experience on most message boards is that a lot of people will not read a post that is too long.

 

I will elaborate about her and I. She was, and still is, one of the girls I truly care deeply for in my life. She is not the only girlfriend that I have ever felt true feelings for, but I'd say she is the one who I felt the most for. I have done a lot for this girl because of the way I feel about her. Including wake up at midnight and go be with her in the hospital all night this past summer when she was admitted for an evening, even though I had to be up at 6:30 and at the office before the markets opened. Anytime she has needed me I have been there, if she is having personal or emotional problems, or just plain life problems.

 

It was pretty devastating when I got the call all the sudden that the whole summer had been a mistake. I do care about her a lot, but I have been trying to stay away for the past couple of months and not become the ex that is always calling and appears "clingy" so to speak. As I said, I care about her a lot and would definitely consider dating her again if she were interested. But that's the thing I have no idea what she wants right now or why she is suddenly seemingly interested in me again in some manner.

 

Oh, and thank you to everyone for the replies so far.

[norajane]

Well, that's different. I'd say guard your heart and don't get your hopes up and don't just "slip" into a relationship with her - talk about it.

 

Tell her that you're wary about getting involved with her again because of how things ended and because you don't understand why she's suddenly so interested.

 

Might as well be honest with her upfront. Hold back on jumping into anything until you are comfortable that you understand everything you need to understand. Ask all the questions you have.

[PACT]

Yeah I mean, I don't even know if she is even going to try to get involved in any way. And if she doesn't then I am really going to be confused by the visit. I guess I'm leaning more and more towards assuming that she is coming just to try and keep me re hung up on her and such since she found out I'd been seeing someone up until a couple weeks ago

[norajane]

Respect yourself. You can't go wrong if you do that. If you're uneasy by anything she's saying or doing, or she's confusing, just respect your feelings and step back and be objective. I know that's hard to do when you care for her, but if you don't respect yourself and your feelings, she won't either.

[Jeff1962]

Sounds to me like neither one of you know what you want or where you are headed in life. This is ok. Live your life. Take your time and enjoy the journey.

 

Take her at face value. I would not get my head into this gal if I were you. Sounds to me more of like a temporary hook up. Enjoy the sex but keep your head out of it.

[LovelyDaze]

Keep us posted on how your weekend went. Stay strong and don't fall for any dangling carrots and crumbs.

[Talldude]

Im in the exact same situation as you my friend. We went out for a year and broke up, she done the breaking and I said some things I shouldnt have. Thought she was gone forever and two years later and I get a message, her saying that its a shame there is no contact and we are not in touch. We live in different cities too and I went to see her and now shes coming to see me. We text and talk every few days but speak nothing of our personal lives. Im sorry and this might sound a little one sided but a girl needs to tell you she has feelings for you before you tell her, we havent made moves on each other and its drawing us closer. My best advise is to expect nothing otherwise its going to drive you crazy and more than likely her too. Let it happen naturally.

[DenverBachelor]

Im in the exact same situation as you my friend. We went out for a year and broke up, she done the breaking and I said some things I shouldnt have. Thought she was gone forever and two years later and I get a message, her saying that its a shame there is no contact and we are not in touch.

 

It's like being your own rebound.

[DenverBachelor]

Enjoy the sex but keep your head out of it.

 

Isn't that the definition of sex?

[PACT]

well, I kind of got saved but also screwed. She totally bailed. Got a call around 11 am-noon, this morning saying she had food poisoning from bad seafood and had been up since 4 am throwing up. Said she was going to try and be on the road by 5 pm, I acted indifferent about the whole situation.

 

Called her at 630, nothing. Then I gota text at 830, not a phone call mind you, a text, saying, omg my alarm didn't go off. I'm feeling like this is obviously complete BS and also I cannot help feeling like I fell for something here.

[DenverBachelor]

well, i kind of got saved but also screwed. She totally bailed. Got a call around 11 am-noon, this morning saying she had food poisoning from bad seafood and had been up since 4 am throwing up. Said she was going to try and be on the road by 5 pm, i acted indifferent about the whole situation.

 

Called her at 630, nothing. Then i gota text at 830, not a phone call mind you, a text, saying, omg my alarm didn't go off. I'm feeling like this is obviously complete bs and also i cannot help feeling like i fell for something here.

 

... Nc ...

[HLP234]

Dude she is definitely blowing it off now. She is making this stuff up because she is having second thoughts or doubts. Don't worry about it now and don't let it get to you. Go NC, don't reply anymore and just forget her.

 

I hate when people do that, make excuses when they are the ones who initiated wanting to hang out. Its immature and pointless, but you should be indifferent about it and not care. If she tries to reschedule with you, tell her you are busy, or just don't answer.

[Talldude]

The more attention you pay to her the worse its going to make you feel especially when shes making excuses you know are completley transparent. You need to be completley indifferent. You obviously care about her but you will be surprised how it changes when you call the shots. Its human nature to want what you cant have.

[PACT]

Thanks, I won't be too worried about hber trying to reschedule as of right now, I'm 5 hours away from her. But when I get back to college I'll only be like 2 and a half so we'll see what happens.

 

I do need to go nc again, while we were never both completely NC for the past few months it was somewhat close to being complete NC. And I'm pissed that I broke it for this and no longer am the one in control of the situation.

[HLP234]

You can always continue going NC, just make sure next time you don't break it. If she texts and your phone lets you delete it before you can read it, do that.

 

Otherwise, just ignore her. After a few weeks while also keeping yourself busy, you will not think about her as much. It takes a lot of time to get over someone that has hurt you..there is no specified time frame.